I'm writing this for my own peace of mind, I love writing and it helps me to think. Please post any comments, advice and questions thoughtfully.
I begun in a new form group and the girl who was next to me was a quiet girl very absorbed in her latin book. Her is extremely unkempt and frizzy, she dresses frumpily, does not remove body hair and lacked self confidence when I spoke to her. She barely spoke to me for a month, and each day I saw her with a new book on latin. Now I actually do know a great deal about Plato and I can read latin to an extent so I actually struck up a conversation with her. Once she warmed up to me I was surprised by her cynical humour and her quick wit, I would have been talked stupid I not been used to verbal sparring with my Grandfather who is a professor of literature. Anyway, we became unexpected friends.
I came to realise the her forgetting about her outward appearance and not caring was due to her being completely consumed by latin, the subject she is so passionate about.
And upon reflection, I realise how pretty and useless I am next to her. For as long as I can remember, appearance has mattered a great deal to me. I always had good self discipline with food and exercise, my skin is nice, my hands are pretty (useless). I dress well, I dress very elegantly. I like beauty treatments, like hair glosses and laser hair removal. Even my hobbies extend to things that are pretty.
My mother told me that it was really important to have talents, otherwise no man would want to marry you (that was the motivation for 5 year old girl). I dance ballet, to no meaningful level, I also play the piano, again I only maintain it because I have reached a grade too high to quit. Even while skiing, my absolute favourite sport, I've come to realise how pretty (useless) and expensive my ski clothes are compared to everyone else.
Even my studies feel like empty achievements. My Father told me that after my undergraduate degree I must study an MBA at a top university... because lots of wealthy marriageable men would be there, I was encouraged to study economics over medicine, because of the higher chance of rich men. (not in so many words).
I'm no modern feminist, but surely there's an issue when from a young age every aspect of my life was overtaken with the goal that I had to find my ideal man, and that my parents encouraged it. Yet, sometimes I appreciate what they have taught me since understand the realities of the world better than some. Maybe I'm just feeling insecure due to comparing myself to my new friend, whether it makes me feel tainted and shallow.
I have richer, older boyfriend, and we've been dating for a 8 months now. I don't want to cause myself to bitter towards him, simply because of my own insecurities and overthinking. But sometimes I just can't help it. He thinks I'm a pretty (useless) girl and he buys me a lot of pretty (useless) things. By god I sound like a bitch. I don't mean to be so ungrateful. He's the smartest person I've ever met and also very attractive. He's protective of me and he makes me feel loved. It does not matter to him whether I want to work or not, which I'm sure some girls would beg for. He's unconventional and a strong personality, we really enjoy arguing and debating and politics and things and can get pretty serious about it.
I brought up slight dilemmas I had with him, am I too materialistic or vain? He was reassuring and insisted that he thinks I'm cute when I shop and I'm cute when I stick my tongue out from concentrating on my nails. He thinks my grades are well deserved and that I do play the piano with passion.
Perhaps I'm overthinking, anyway there you have it. In the end I'm only 18, and I have long time ahead of me and despite all this negativity, my life really isn't that bad.
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