Was I conditioned to be a trophy wife? Materialistic? To please the male eye?


I'm writing this for my own peace of mind, I love writing and it helps me to think. Please post any comments, advice and questions thoughtfully.

I begun in a new form group and the girl who was next to me was a quiet girl very absorbed in her latin book. Her is extremely unkempt and frizzy, she dresses frumpily, does not remove body hair and lacked self confidence when I spoke to her. She barely spoke to me for a month, and each day I saw her with a new book on latin. Now I actually do know a great deal about Plato and I can read latin to an extent so I actually struck up a conversation with her. Once she warmed up to me I was surprised by her cynical humour and her quick wit, I would have been talked stupid I not been used to verbal sparring with my Grandfather who is a professor of literature. Anyway, we became unexpected friends.

Was I conditioned to be a trophy wife? Materialistic? To please the male eye?

I came to realise the her forgetting about her outward appearance and not caring was due to her being completely consumed by latin, the subject she is so passionate about.

And upon reflection, I realise how pretty and useless I am next to her. For as long as I can remember, appearance has mattered a great deal to me. I always had good self discipline with food and exercise, my skin is nice, my hands are pretty (useless). I dress well, I dress very elegantly. I like beauty treatments, like hair glosses and laser hair removal. Even my hobbies extend to things that are pretty.

Was I conditioned to be a trophy wife? Materialistic? To please the male eye?

My mother told me that it was really important to have talents, otherwise no man would want to marry you (that was the motivation for 5 year old girl). I dance ballet, to no meaningful level, I also play the piano, again I only maintain it because I have reached a grade too high to quit. Even while skiing, my absolute favourite sport, I've come to realise how pretty (useless) and expensive my ski clothes are compared to everyone else.

Was I conditioned to be a trophy wife? Materialistic? To please the male eye?

Even my studies feel like empty achievements. My Father told me that after my undergraduate degree I must study an MBA at a top university... because lots of wealthy marriageable men would be there, I was encouraged to study economics over medicine, because of the higher chance of rich men. (not in so many words).

Was I conditioned to be a trophy wife? Materialistic? To please the male eye?

I'm no modern feminist, but surely there's an issue when from a young age every aspect of my life was overtaken with the goal that I had to find my ideal man, and that my parents encouraged it. Yet, sometimes I appreciate what they have taught me since understand the realities of the world better than some. Maybe I'm just feeling insecure due to comparing myself to my new friend, whether it makes me feel tainted and shallow.

Was I conditioned to be a trophy wife? Materialistic? To please the male eye?

I have richer, older boyfriend, and we've been dating for a 8 months now. I don't want to cause myself to bitter towards him, simply because of my own insecurities and overthinking. But sometimes I just can't help it. He thinks I'm a pretty (useless) girl and he buys me a lot of pretty (useless) things. By god I sound like a bitch. I don't mean to be so ungrateful. He's the smartest person I've ever met and also very attractive. He's protective of me and he makes me feel loved. It does not matter to him whether I want to work or not, which I'm sure some girls would beg for. He's unconventional and a strong personality, we really enjoy arguing and debating and politics and things and can get pretty serious about it.

Was I conditioned to be a trophy wife? Materialistic? To please the male eye?

I brought up slight dilemmas I had with him, am I too materialistic or vain? He was reassuring and insisted that he thinks I'm cute when I shop and I'm cute when I stick my tongue out from concentrating on my nails. He thinks my grades are well deserved and that I do play the piano with passion.

Perhaps I'm overthinking, anyway there you have it. In the end I'm only 18, and I have long time ahead of me and despite all this negativity, my life really isn't that bad.

Was I conditioned to be a trophy wife? Materialistic? To please the male eye?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • 0112358
    Were you conditioned to be a trophy wife?

    no. You were conditioned to be a first wife. That’s actually a higher bar :p. In any case yes you’ve absolutely been molded to be perfect wife material for a rich man. Beyond the fact that you were put in the vicinity of rich men by studying what you did, pretty young women are not that rare in comparison with wealthy men, so they’re looking for more.

    Anyway, you’re feeling down because you feel useless. And why wouldn’t you? All you do right now is look pretty. However this isn’t because you’re a useless person. You’re clearly caps already, well rounded, decently hard working, thoughtful and well educated. You’re just not actually doing anything with those skills and abilities. But they’re -there-

    So the question for you is... what do you want to do with your abilities? Get married and have kids and be super mom? Actually pursue your own successful career more aggressively? Find work that you find fulfilling, maybe in the non profit or charitable world? Your skills and your charm would be very welcome there.

    As for your boyfriend, it’s natural he finds your behaviour cute. But I hope he can also appreciate you as someone who can DO things. Maybe he can - you say he at least tells you your marks are well deserved. But I think you need to feel more proud of what you do and see how he responds to that more mature version of yourself.
    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      Thank you, I hadn't thought about charity work before, it's a good idea.

    • 0112358

      The skills you’ve been raised with would actually make you -fantastic- for a charity. Basically you have an MBA plus the ability to charm wealthy men. Those are both incredibly useful for a charity!

    • Anonymous

      Hey you're so right! I'm seriously going to look into this. Each week I spend a few hours keeping company with local dementia patients, I've been going to same place for years! I should host a fundraiser! Honest thank you for the great idea!

    • Show All
  • Anonymous
    So, let’s make a list of your problems.

    • You are rich, which obviously gives you more opportunities than most
    • You are an attractive woman, which also gives you uncommon opportunities
    • You have been afforded the opportunity to dress nicely and take care of yourself
    • You have been afforded the opportunity to do things like ski
    • Your parents encouraged and gave you opportunities to develop talents like piano and ballet
    • Your parents encouraged and gave you opportunities to go to college and now are encouraging you to get a masters degree.
    • You have a rich boyfriend who is smart, protective, loves you and treats you well

    In summary, you are among the top 0.001% luckiest people in the world, and yet you feel you have problems. Have I got that right?
    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      Yes, you're right I am very lucky. It's just that sometimes I look at all the reasons I've had since a young age, for doing anything, they've been so shallow and superficial.

    • Anonymous

      Also, (personal question) as a man, does it bother you that I was raised this way? Assuming I didn't come at you with all my stupid insecurities in real life, are you sure I don't appear very golddiggerish?

    • Anonymous

      None of the things you've said here make you sounds like a gold digger. That depends on what you want in a relationship / marriage and how you feel about your man.

      Actually, the fact you here asking this question tells me you're not a gold digger and your heart and head are in the right place. I think you are just going through some insecurities about your life and that is very normal.

    • Show All

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • dbr1987
    Listen to this.. i read your post and i will answer this for you because you are not ungreatfull but really wondering. So here you go... Your parents where conditioning you to be (In their eyes, in their terms) a succesfull ambitious women. They planned out your hobbies your future your carreerchoice and the guys you should date. You didn't get to make a single one of your choices. You know what the sad part is, they did it for theirselves. You are your parents visitationcard. Our daughter studied here, our daughter is with a very wealthy (don't know his profession). You are indeed conditioned to be a trophywife BUT your parents trophywife (daughter) they also set you up for a golden future ( in their eyes) Now you are getting older and you are getting kind of a identity crisis. You are conditioned to discuss politics. And like it. If you did not have such a high intellect your life would be perfect. Sadly you start to realise that you are not living your own life but a life that is created by someone else for you. You never had the option to see what your own passion is. Money can't buy you happyness and you already feel that at 18 years old. The only thing you did sofar in your life is live up to expectations. The reason why you had such a big reaction to that women with the latin book is maybe because you realized she was carefree of her expectationlevel. You should consider this take because it can change your Outlook on life. What you can do to change your life to make it more meaningfull to you: Find out what your own passion is, regardless of what people expect of you. This is going to hard because your life has been lived for you. Tell your parents that you regret not studying medicine because you actually don't care about economics. Ask them why they did not let you decide for your own. When you found out what you really want to do and how you feel about this whole controlled life talk with your boyfriend about this. You can do anything you want since you have the financial recources. Quit playing the piano. I studied NLP so i am going to disect this scentence. I actually don't want to play the piano anymore BUT i have reached a too high level to quit. So you are giving yourself a excuse to keep doing something you don't like. The word but is always used as an excuse Word. You should also quit the ballet because you don't like it anymore. With the skiing you feel like a outcast because of your expensive ski clothes. Solution: Go to a skiing shop where normal people go and buy the nicest affordable skiing clothes. Take some distance from your luxuary lavindish lifestyle and take a search for your true self. You will become more happy and starting to feel alive. Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy and you like a good girl. So take this advice and perspective because it is accurate and the way to solve this issue
    • Jessymjr

      I definitely agree with this statement/opinion

  • egarcia1360
    I think there are two main things you should take away from this situation:

    1. Being pretty does not automatically equate to being useless.

    2. You don't need to be entirely dependent on a man, financially or otherwise.

    First of all, don't undersell yourself and everything you can do. Just because you're not an expert at everything you do doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile. If you still feel that you lack substance and would like to be a more well-rounded person, then take up a new skill and see where it goes. There's nothing wrong with caring about your appearance, as long as you're not ignoring pursuits that would make you truly happy for the sake of vanity.

    Now, it seems like your family has instilled this idea in you have to marry rich, but you should consider whether that's what you really want for yourself. For example, why take the time to get an advanced degree if you're just going to let it go to waste as a housewife? That's not to say that there's anything wrong with marrying someone wealthy, as long as that isn't the reason why. It seems like your boyfriend makes you really happy, so there's no reason to sabotage that over your insecurities; if anything, talk to him about them so he can try to help.

    Basically, you need to have some confidence in yourself that you are indeed an interesting person rather than listening to the voices (your own and your family's) telling you otherwise.
    • Anonymous

      Yes, exactly, I do not want to sabotage my relationship with my boyfriend. But I also don't want to be a needy brat. If everything I've ever been encouraged to do, from studying, looking good, taking up hobbies was all motivated from the purpose of pleasing a man, then he's my sole source of self worth and confidence. Is that not incredibly superficial? I have no integrity.

    • egarcia1360

      Just because you were only taught to do all those things to please a suitor doesn't mean that's all you're good for. Take those same accomplishments and use them for your own benefit and enjoyment! You're not going to magically gain full self-worth overnight, but you have to keep reassuring yourself that you really are your own person until you believe it.

    • Anonymous

      Thank you! I will try <3

  • Sheyhoney
    You sound smart and beautiful.
    many people wish they had your life, be confident in yourself, you aren’t useless.
    • Yes maybe foolish minds wish they had more money than they know what to do with.

  • fewqw
    Seems like you're parents are preparing you for your marriage since childhood. Where are you dreams and things you would love to do.
    You're 18 right. You still have time to forget about marriage and do what you would do. Would you also nurish your daughter like this?
    Idts. Please don't fall into this thing you can marry whenever you want don't hustle into it.
  • Primate
    Sounds like you’re conflicted that you’re living up to someone else’s expectations rather than your own. It also sounds like you have the means, and possibly intellect to apply yourself to any field you choose without risk of hardship.
    Unless I’m mistaken, you feel you could do more to achieve your potential?
    Go for it. Millions of people don’t get that chance, as they get trapped by economic or intellectual shortfalls.
    Be the change you want to see in the world.
  • Shamalien
    HaHAHAH trust me, you are one of the smart ones, otherwise you wouldn't even be thinking like this. All in all, your new friend is probably more jealous of you than you are of her. A girl doesn't need to do much more than she wants to so long as she can find a good man, this is how it's always been
    • Anonymous

      Okay, I don't feel the need to be independent, I'm happy to live my life alongside someone I love, but are you sure that as a man you feel no disgust directed towards me? You wouldn't prefer me to be different?

    • Shamalien

      Disgust? I mean I like a girl who can roll up her sleeves and be useful, but she doesn’t have to be. Girls are always viewed as kinda useless by men, when it comes to a lot of things, we don’t mind that though cause y'all r pretty soft n squishy lol

  • Jess5192
    lovely, I'm in a similar situation to yourself though 20 year of age. My partner is older, though i'm studying nursing and hoping to work for awhile and give back to others despite my partners intent to make me a stay at home wife in a few years. I do wish to conductive myself very much in the manner you display yourself.
    I would love to speak with you more and discuss our live styles x
  • Chase7777
    I don't know who "conditioned" you but since your 18 now, I think it's important to realize that you're responsible for yourself. You make your own choices.

    I don't understand why a man would want to sponsor a girl. Seems ridiculous to me, independence is attractive to me. Not like that way of living is wrong, I just think it's weird and outdated.
  • Wowgirl30q
    I was one just be ready to be viewed as a object and be lonely constantly. Trophies are put on a shelf to look at not interact with. I hope everything works out
  • madgoat
    It's a risky strategy to be reliant completely on a spouse, especially nowadays with high divorce. And there's a lot of competition for the top men.
  • taleets
    I can relate to this post a lot. However, we both have it pretty good.
  • nixon1509
    Hopefully you will find purpose, when you age and no longer have your beauty you may find it difficult to maintain a sense of self worth.
    • Anonymous

      Yes, you're right, even though I think having beauty is useless, I'm terrified of losing it. I'm afraid no one will like me if I'm not pretty.

  • colin77
    U over think a lot... and u put pressure on yourself senselessly, but that grows because of yr upbringing... stop live for p er people regardless if it's ye family, also remember they live there life already and is only u live feel th effects of everything that happens in yr life... don't compare yourself to anyone at any levels we are all human at th end of it all... money don't bring u happiness, but it's important to have... happiness comes from u because only u cud make u happy... when u are a materialistic person it blinds u from the truth, that's why u can't see th truth in yourself or anyone else
    • Anonymous

      You're right, maybe I should try to develop my own self confidence

    • colin77

      Yes you should it well help u better when it comes to reasoning... and from negative to positive out look

  • moriya
  • Anonymous
    Didn't read it all but it sounds like you are complaining about materialism. Not sure what to say but personally I grew up spoiled and materialist and now have become a person who in a sense is the opposite. I dislike having excess pysical items in my posession, and dislike flashy and expensive looking things.

    I have talked to rich men who seem to love money and chase it. I did not like that and do not want excess money. I want a simple life.

    You do not have to be a slave to materialism.