Incompatible partners

[lilyanony1]

I have shared here with many the experiences I have had with my partner of 10 years.

It's kind of boring talking about what he did over and over.

But when I look back at the responses some people gave me and the explanations. It was focused on tearing down his character. Don't get me wrong I wrote wholeheartedly what I experienced with him, and I wanted answers whether people thought he had a mental health issue or something. But I realise that was because I wanted to fix him so we could work.

It dawned on me the other day that he and I are just not compatible... We may have been for that first year. But his views on a softer woman are not great, he views my kindness as weakness and subjected me to things unnecessary so that I would be less 'nice'. Or only nice to him (he always wanted to make use of my generosity).

He saw that me being this way would always land me in the difficult situations I encountered by people that sought to take advantage of that.

I get that if he didn't like to see me hurt by others he wanted to teach me how to deal with things better, but he treated me really nasty. He refused to use his words.

He eventually became sexually aggressive and did things without my consent and bullied and intimidated me when I fought with him about the things he did and I didn't like.

For some reason he felt that I needed to toughen up and the only way was to become cold and callous...

I guess it was the 'can't beat them, join them' perspective.

For another woman this might work perfectly, she might tow the line or be as nasty to him as he was to me who knows. But his style of relationship was not what worked for me.

He only grew to dislike everything I stood for and anything I succeeded at because he believed I was weak.

That's his mindset and outlook on life.

I on the other hand realise and wish others helped me to smarten up, said to me earlier, "you're just not compatible" telling me, miss problem solver/fixer "just leave him" with no further explanation makes no sense to me.

It makes me feel like a child incapable of comprehending how you came to that conclusion.

And maybe you might say I am. But if that method worked there wouldn't be all these articles on narcassists and abusive partners, or how to spot red flags, etc which they themselves say is a guidance and with practice you will learn how to identify these traits.

I would have listened to my friends if they showed me the courtesy to consider just how emotionally invested I was in this person. Just leave him wasn't good enough for the love I had for him. Especially as so many along the way were quite disrespectful towards me about he and I ; apparently he was too good looking for me. Girls would approach him despite seeing I was with him.

Which I found all the more insulting.

I wish I had better guidance growing up but I will say this now, don't date because you're sick of being the single friend if they exclude you so be it they weren't your friends to begin with, don't date just anyone that comes along, and definitely don't compromise your values just to fit with that person.

I haven't met them yet, but I believe when we don't find the right one for a long time it's because you are both being prepared for each other.

Well so I hope. This is the end of an era for me in more ways than one.

We all deserve happiness don't let letting go hinder that. (note to self)

[AlwaysBelieving]

Yes. From what you write, you two are incompatible.

I hope for one hope you never lose your niceness and generosity. My mom told me once that "AB, you're too honest", to which I thought "yes I am, and I don't want to change." I think I've done a pretty good job at it. At first I come off as cold and distant. That's because I believe it takes time to get to know a person. I mean to REALLY know a person.

[lilyanony1]

I hear you.
I just found myself feeling really uncomfortable with him like he was competing with me.
I'll give you an example. Back In 2011 my grandparents had a 50th wedding anniversary abroad. I was saving to go with my mum. When I went and came back I showed him the trip photos. There was one photo of me with our personal waiter. He blew his lid.
I remember reassuring him nothing happened between us.
In 2017 we got back together after 6 months things went well but I felt a little stressed so we had some time away like 2 months we tried properly in 2018 I thought he was waiting for me to finish my degree and we were gonna aim to settle down once I was done from what he was saying.
I had to buy a new laptop and other resources for university.
Something felt off. He didn't tell me but he booked a trip to St Lucia. The night before he told me then came over the day he was going, on a last minute urgency claiming he couldn't shower at home as it was too far blah. When he put a few things back into his suitcase he casually showed me a few things. A fragrance In the men's version I had bought my mum years ago as a treat for her birthday, very pricey one. He had a tablet. And similar clothes items.
I realised there he was an enemy. He attached himself to me to learn how to be what he thought was rich. I am not rich. But we try to be careful with money and spend it wisely. He showed me that he felt inferior to me and was doing all he could to show me he could achieve the same. He was envious. Dating someone that was envious of me is dangerous. And highlighted our incompatibility. His emotions was coming from a place of feeling slighted when that was not my intentions at all. I was going on holiday, which he knew about if he felt I was flaunting it that was his insecurities. But he tried to evoke jealous emotions in me, because of how he felt. He is a child.

[lilyanony1]

I can't apologise for being good with money or planning things with my family. Thats what we always did. If he didn't that was his life, doesn't make it bad just they did things differently. I now understand why he didn't want to meet my family. He felt inferior. Because he saw photos on my Facebook of us doing OK. It wasn't love for him. But I desperately loved him. Now I don't even know why, did i deep down pity him and want to help him upgrade his life? I don't think so. I thought I loved him for his drive and caring side the fact that he was intelligent but misunderstood perhaps for his language as English isn't his first language. 😳 I never thought he felt that way and in the end I realise who he was, angling for money, he was the modern day Robin Hood, he took from me to provide for his family.
I feel like those women conned by men overseas.

[allenwants2]

Even then I think it's a roll of the dice

[lilyanony1]

@allenwants2 roll of the dice? Can you explain a little more please?

[allenwants2]

Ok some times people that we think are going to be there with us fore ever don't and sometimes they do or to put it another way is there is no way to be sure of anything except birth and death

[lilyanony1]

I still have no idea what you're talking about. Alwaysbelieving said enough tbh

[Summeroflove]

Many people simply aren’t mean to be. Many people want to change fundamentally who someone is. When this isn’t healthy behavior. Especially if there is nothing wrong with someone. They just want to change them.

Many people don’t know when to walk away from unhealthy relationships that simply aren’t meant to be before they do serious damage to one another.

People want different things. People have different standards and preferences and this is okay. But some people get really frustrated and bitter and think everyone of the opposite sex should think and be a certain way. Because they can’t find a life partner. When really it is their sexist shitty behavior chasing anyone halfway decent or the other sex away, by the way this goes for both men and women.

Some people are also bad and toxic. You can’t change them either. I know some people have good hearts and think they can change someone and help someone.

Someone has to want the help. If someone don’t want your help or worse they start playing your sympathy and start using them to enable the other. Well now there is more serious problems. Again there is no gender in this.

I know a lot of sexist people have been abused and hurt by the opposite sex. But come on someone can’t help how they’re born.

But before I go off on a tangent. I will say. You’re 💯 right. Some people aren’t compatible and there isn’t anything wrong with either person. They’re just not meant to be.

For their partners sake as well as their own. They need to move on and find someone else. Because if the relationship is bad and only degenerating. It’s only gonna get worse.

With marriage I do believe people should try to make it work. They made vows to one another. Except in the cases of abuse and/or cheating. But also if someone’s just absolutely miserable I get it.

But people need to slow down before they get to that point when they’re stuck in marriage with someone, have kids with them, etc. And they aren’t even mean to be.

[AmandaYVR]

lily, I don't know you or your story at all but that was really beautifully written.
It sounds like you are definitely right - you and he are two very different people, and I can see from your sensitivity and tact in this writing that you probably are not compatible with someone who believes in the antithesis, a sort of 'tough love', at best.

Don't take it personally that others have failed to give reasons for why they give the advice they give. Honestly, we're living in a time of rampant, unmeasured, often uninformed opinions. They are everywhere, and quite frankly, they can be dangerous.

People are addicted to everything being customized and on-demand, not to to mention the internet, social media, and constant feedback. But most don't take the time to really listen, to really analyze. They throw out opinions like they are feeding pigeons some scraps. Don't live your life based on these; look for the gems, the well thought-out and considered ones. They exist too, they're just in much fewer supply.

Good luck to you.
And you're right, you can't rush finding the right one. You can do what you can to prepare and coax it along, but it is what it is. Being with the wrong one is worse.

[lilyanony1]

Thank you so much Amanda, I really appreciate your responses to me. One thing I've noticed you come across so calm that's soothing to someone like me, I feel like we get one another. I'm definitely taking my time. 😊

[AmandaYVR]

Yw, and that's so sweet, thank you 💐

[Guy13]

You are an interesting and insightful individual. I hope you are well and mostly happy with things. :)

[lilyanony1]

Thank you guy... I have been dating but like any hung it's really up and down.
The guy I was seeing were more compatible but his kindness allowed a friend in need to stay with him. What was 2 weeks has suddenly become over a month.
So we didn't see each other for that time. Last night was the first time.
It's not only been his friend issue but I've been sick and so has he. Its crazy really how life is but the arguments were just because of time apart.
If you celebrate Christmas did you have a nice day?

[Guy13]

Thank you for reply and yes traditional Christmas was good. That guy sounds like a first step see you again before starting the New year off with a Bang... Getting one's feet wet again...

[TheAfrikan]

⚫Wow this was beautifuly written out well.
And you where really unfortunate to come across a dude who was a complete jerk to you, and a guy who never respected you at all.
So thank you for sharing the sweet words of guidance to other females on her and guys too.
Since most of the rush into relationships, just because there friends are in love.
BT the truth I really love takes time to come up no forcing it up, and that love knowboundaries.
All that we need to follow when falling for one, is not to go for the looks only but try to fall for the one who reasons, respectful and the one who will push you on to reach greatness.
All that I can say take care all.
@lilyanony1 thanks for the take.

[lilyanony1]

Aww thank you for taking the time to read this 'my take' I really appreciate that. And thank you for your kindness. I was a nice person and being with him changed me. I see that now. Falling out of love with him helped me see who I had become and was tolerating.
It was the biggest and best wake up call of my life.
All the best to you too 😊

[TheAfrikan]

@lilyanony1 you are welcome dear, and thax for the nice take for sure.
It was a nice move that you finally stepped out of that boat, since it would have even got harder to dock in that boat.
I know that you will find that person who wille able to relate to you.😊

[Jjpayne]

I think relationships help us to see important things in others and sometimes in ourselves that would at times have been harder to see before. Things that we can take into other relationships to make them more richer and healthy.

[lilyanony1]

Definitely I couldn't agree more. I want a man to lead openly. But I need him to stay in the light. If you get what I mean.
This experience taught me that I have a lot of love to give. But we weren't long term. I think I showed him love he had never been shown before and he showed me aggression frustration and aggression I didn't understand.
We were chalk and cheese.
He's slowly leaving my system.
Side note: I still think about him nearly every other day but it only hurts a quarter of the time.

[Jjpayne]

I'm sorry you still feel pain 😞

But I think it's a good test to make sure that the guy is putting in just as much as you are putting in. You need to know his commitment is there too

[iambae]

1. Where is your father?
2. Don't use the word "partner" it's a homosexual term.
3. Why have you formed a soul tie with this man?
4. Get away from him ASAP
5. If you aren't compatible it will never work.
6. How many kids do you have with him?

[lilyanony1]

My father passed away.
Partner is a normal term to use in the UK, alongside other half or significant other when a person feels boyfriend doesn't suit their relationship status.
I formed a soul tie because I was conned into forming one.
We're no longer together.
We weren't incompatible to begin with but I now know we're incompatible because he was learning about me through Facebook.
We don't have kids, I suffered miscarriages.

Does that satisfy your questioning?

[iambae]

I hope you heal, it sounds very difficult both emotionally and physically. We are only as strong as our support systems. Can you rely on family and friends for this?

[lilyanony1]

No I am dealing with things on my own and it seems to be a little better

[Rocco7070]

Partner is whoever your with,

[Rocco7070]

No, not boreing at all. Lifes like a rug, woven with many threads, all lengths, colors, tunes and lyrics. So, dont look at things like that.

[lilyanony1]

Thanks very wise for 17

[Rocco7070]

Maybe not wisdom but a lot of pain, and can I just say something? Despite my age I can feel so deeply that i try to walk and drag a ball and chain. and i listen to music and its not music anymore, its her voice, just her beautiful voice. And all this I could even handle if shed just come back, just let me breathe and let me laugh and I never minded being used. Useing me in the sweetest of deceptions, whispered elegant lies that my youth made me blind to. And whenever I can help Ill try, eventhough helping myself isn't there, helping some one else may be. Incompatible partners, more will come your way. I hope you'll be happy. Thanks for reading this.

[Rocco7070]

Do you get my posts all the way from South Africa?

[DiegoO]

Wow, 10 years. I believe I would be in the exact situation if I was to saw my LD girlfriend in person. It lasted 3 years, and their were little differences, in number, sadly in value, they were extremely important.

Differences in the family values sphere, often end resembling in the sexual sphere, and the sexual sphere is ususlly an indicator of how healthy a couple communicates with each other.

[allenwants2]

It took me 26 years to understand that people don't change it was the hardest thing I didn't know how to give up on somebody
I truley gave it all I had to keep it together almost cost me my life love but I can look back knowing when I turned my back to her and walked away it was time to

[UserL83]

I wish I could give you more than just one thumbs up. ⚘

[lilyanony1]

Oh, thank you thats kind of you

[Emmaward]

It is always hard to realize that your partner isn't right for you and even harder - that he will not change! But it is a necessary thing which I think will come naturally sooner or later. So what we need to do is try to understand if we are in an unhealthy relationship as soon as possible, and not wasting your time and energy if nothing can be changed. That's my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you can't turn a Rolls-Royce into a mini van 😉