I have shared here with many the experiences I have had with my partner of 10 years.
It's kind of boring talking about what he did over and over.
But when I look back at the responses some people gave me and the explanations. It was focused on tearing down his character. Don't get me wrong I wrote wholeheartedly what I experienced with him, and I wanted answers whether people thought he had a mental health issue or something. But I realise that was because I wanted to fix him so we could work.
It dawned on me the other day that he and I are just not compatible... We may have been for that first year. But his views on a softer woman are not great, he views my kindness as weakness and subjected me to things unnecessary so that I would be less 'nice'. Or only nice to him (he always wanted to make use of my generosity).
He saw that me being this way would always land me in the difficult situations I encountered by people that sought to take advantage of that.
I get that if he didn't like to see me hurt by others he wanted to teach me how to deal with things better, but he treated me really nasty. He refused to use his words.
He eventually became sexually aggressive and did things without my consent and bullied and intimidated me when I fought with him about the things he did and I didn't like.
For some reason he felt that I needed to toughen up and the only way was to become cold and callous...
I guess it was the 'can't beat them, join them' perspective.
For another woman this might work perfectly, she might tow the line or be as nasty to him as he was to me who knows. But his style of relationship was not what worked for me.
He only grew to dislike everything I stood for and anything I succeeded at because he believed I was weak.
That's his mindset and outlook on life.
I on the other hand realise and wish others helped me to smarten up, said to me earlier, "you're just not compatible" telling me, miss problem solver/fixer "just leave him" with no further explanation makes no sense to me.
It makes me feel like a child incapable of comprehending how you came to that conclusion.
And maybe you might say I am. But if that method worked there wouldn't be all these articles on narcassists and abusive partners, or how to spot red flags, etc which they themselves say is a guidance and with practice you will learn how to identify these traits.
I would have listened to my friends if they showed me the courtesy to consider just how emotionally invested I was in this person. Just leave him wasn't good enough for the love I had for him. Especially as so many along the way were quite disrespectful towards me about he and I ; apparently he was too good looking for me. Girls would approach him despite seeing I was with him.
Which I found all the more insulting.
I wish I had better guidance growing up but I will say this now, don't date because you're sick of being the single friend if they exclude you so be it they weren't your friends to begin with, don't date just anyone that comes along, and definitely don't compromise your values just to fit with that person.
I haven't met them yet, but I believe when we don't find the right one for a long time it's because you are both being prepared for each other.
Well so I hope. This is the end of an era for me in more ways than one.
We all deserve happiness don't let letting go hinder that. (note to self)