Are my friends jealous? [relationship, money]

[tallandsweet]

On my friends

I've mentioned this before and I'll say it again - I don't exactly have the greatest of friends (4 girls).

I won't go into details, but just know that we only really talk when I initiate a conversation. Also, we don't see each other right now because we're all away at college. I like them and I value their opinion. Most times, their advice has been extremely helpful for me.

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months now and they've met him via video call. They like him, say he's nice and handsome, but recently, one friend of mine mentioned that she didn't feel like he's been telling me the truth when it comes to his job.

The thing with his job

I never really mentioned anything about how my boyfriend makes money to my friends. There are several reasons for this, but I think the biggest for me is that I don't want them to think that he's trying to prove something to them/me.

I'm also embarrassed by the fact that I can't really tell them what it is that he does. All I can say is that he's self-employed.

He has multiple streams of income. When I told my friends about one of them recently, I tried bringing it across in a serious, respectful manner. Nonetheless, one of my friends said that she didn't believe this was a good way of making money.

[Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash]

We're from very traditional, well-off, privileged backgrounds and for some reason, I've always been more aware of what that entails than them. Also, I want to mention that neither of my 4 friends have ever had a job where they made money.

My boyfriend's parents are immigrants, he's much more creative and takes more risks than us I'd say. When he first told me about one of his jobs, I thought he was joking because it sounded like a hobby. Still, it pays the bills and I think that's the most important thing, right?

Their accusations

My friends suggested that my boyfriend makes money illegally, doesn't pay taxes and that he will get into trouble sooner or later. I took offense at that, mainly because it made me question how he actually made money.

I think their comments were very rude. I showed my boyfriend the texts I had exchanged with them and he said that they're probably jealous.

We then had a very long conversation about their accusations. I know that he wouldn't involve me in shady business, I always knew he paid his taxes religiously and we regularly talk about issues we have anyways, so this wasn't a big thing for me.

[Photo by Pro Church Media on Unsplash]

The friend who said the rude stuff about my boyfriend's job is the only one who currently has a boyfriend. However, he's still a student, so he probably can't afford to take her out more than twice a month. I don't even know, maybe her boyfriend's rich like her, so I don't get it.

Additional information

I think this all sounds confusing, so I'll tell you what my friends know.

Sometimes, my boyfriend goes to an ATM and gets some cash. He likes holding it and making money rain. This sounds really strange and it's behaviour I'm not at all used to.

He likes to say weird stuff about money and I don't understand what he's trying to tell me most of the time due to my autism.

I ignore a lot of this because I know we have this part handled as well as we can for now, I mean, we've only been together for 4 months.

I treat my boyfriend the same way he treats me. I don't have to prove myself either on here or with my friends, but I noticed that on my last post a number of men suggested I didn't treat my boyfriend well and this is simply not true.

[Photo by Joey Nicotra on Unsplash]

Do you think my friends are jealous or is there another reason for them to insult my boyfriend like that?

What would make her think my boyfriend would engage in criminal activity?

What do you suggest I tell my friends about their accusations?

[exitseven]

Your friends all come from affluent, traditional backgrounds. They do not know anything about what it is like to have to hustle to make a buck.
When I was right out of high school I had a job in the city that exposed me to some opportunities that were not outright dishonest but were maybe a little shady. My regular job paid minimum wage so I needed a side job to make some extra cash. The only dishonest thing about the side hustle was that I didn't pay taxes on it.

[tallandsweet]

Exactly, they don't know what it's like to have to work for being able to afford something.

Thank you for sharing your story. I would get very angry at my boyfriend if he didn't pay taxes, but he's very honest and pays taxes on all his streams of income.
This is very important in general and especially in Germany in my opinion.

[gmeext]

They're most likely really curious as you haven't shared that tidbit of information with them. Curiosity manifests in a lot of weird ways so your friends maybe are trying get you to share more by making certain remarks to elicit a response. Maybe they're concerned and are just looking out for you. You can usually identify jealousy more than concern or general interest.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for your response.
Given that my friends have met my ex, I feel like they're being overly critical of my current boyfriend.
My ex is a horrible person that cheated on me and was neither smart, funny or particularly nice to them.
My current boyfriend is nice, well-behaved, interested in what they have to say. I don't share nearly as much as I have in my previous relationship, mainly because I respect my and my boyfriend's privacy.

So I'm not sure why they would be concerned now when they didn't stand up for me back then in multiple situations.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Honestly, they should mind their business and not harp you about it.
Especially when it comes to money, family and friends think they are entitled to know, but actually it's not their business - "non si fanno i conti in tasca agli altri" - "you don't count in other people's pockets".
I keep most of my financial situation private with the exception of my fiancée, and she too doesn't know about the big stashes of money and resources I keep well hidden for myself.

[Guy13]

I do not know but do keep this in mind. Our friends see things about our relationship and partners that we do not. A friend that is not in this friend group for confirmation wold be good.

[Siren777]

Hi there,

Your acknowledgement that they're not the greatest of friends is sad. It's easy for people to say you need to get new friends as you may have had these friends for a while and run within the same social circles and that's not easy to detach from especially when you've been raised in an affluent family. As affluent families are usually traditional and stick to their own kind.
Growing up in affluent communities, you're surrounded by people and friends who have not experienced life outside of their comfortzones so its applicable to their judgements of others as they are usually not as open minded.

Now it's your choice to walk away from people who don't serve you in anyway and they should respect your relationship regardless of the type of upbringing you have and they need to mind their own business. As finance & your relationship should be kept between your partner. If he isn't into any shady business or he isn't harming anyone you shouldn't care how he makes his money. You said he pays his taxes and he treats you well. You shouldn't care what others think. Don't care too much what she thinks, it's her opinion and don't bother with private matters. As your relationship only involves you and your boyfriend not other people.

I totally get what you're saying, I've been surrounded by trust fund babies on my dads side of the family and family circles run in high societies so I know what it's like to be judged for it. Where as my mother family is highly educated and working class. So there has been contrast with judgement. Your friends could be judgmental and jealous of the way your guy treats you and that he makes you happy. Besides it doesn't really matter as long as you're happy. Don't ruin a good thing because of judgmental people and snooty types. Only you live your life. Some hustlers make loads of money, some successful people come from nothing and become very wealthy and it doesn't matter if they got wealthy in an unconventional way as long as he is truthful to you. Keep your relationship and what you discuss within your relationship between you and your boyfriend. Don't mention about him or things that goes on in your relationship should remain private.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for your amazing advice, it really hit close to home.
I've gotten to know my friends so well over the last years, and still, when I moved out, I realised that we don't have anything in common.

I shouldn't feel the need to surround myself with people who don't care about me (there's been multiple incidents where they didn't give one dime about me), even when they act like they do now (strangely).

[Siren777]

If that is the case then you should remove them from your life as this is causing problems.

[tallandsweet]

Yeah, that's probably right, I have felt like they're not exactly supportive of me anymore for a while. It's not like I'm the problem though, I'm always there for them.

[MrWolf]

Love those types. Really do.

That talk used to go for me before few years. i went through many different jobs. I worked oversees and all that stuff. Sure I've done thing's I ain't proud but was my own choice.

Then i used to go out with this girl and her friends where the same meddling like they know best. So in the end the girl listened to them and left me. Well her choice.

This days it's fun because it's payback time.
Now i run a huge company am happily married, have a kid. Life is booming and those sad girls who badmouthed me now work in my company. They fell bad about it and me i get to watch them feeling sorry how they treated me and to regret each word they said. But I ain't cruel they needed job i provided.

It's the end result that counts. Still it's fun.

[tallandsweet]

LOL, that's amazing, thanks so much for sharing. Karma is a b*tch I guess!

[MrWolf]

Your welcome. What goes around comes around.

[sheama_t]

Your friends seem ignorant. Tell them to work in a foreign run business. They’ll get to hear everyone’s different stories, understand the hustle, be educated, and maybe even inspired. Foreigners are very mature and smart, they know what they have to do, and they know how to manage their money. Your friends seem like they were more spoiled growing up, they probably know nothing about money. So they just seem ignorant.

[tallandsweet]

Exactly.
Agreed on all points!

[rjroy3]

- " I don't exactly have the greatest of friends (4 girls). "

- " I like them and I value their opinion. Most times, their advice has been extremely helpful for me. "

- " What do you suggest I tell my friends about their accusations? "

You lost me. So people you acknowledge are not good friends. That you don't see much either. But for some reason feel like you need to tell them the in and outs of your relationship regarding your man's finances...

Because... why exactly?

That's cool you've gotten helpful advice from the group before. That doesn't mean you need to tell them everything

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
They're the only people I can come to when I need advice. It's difficult to find new real life friends during this pandemic.

Still, as you're noticed, I feel pretty ambivalent about them.

[rjroy3]

Search around for groups of high quality women whom you respect that are both living lives you would want and have happy relationships.

Discuss your thoughts and feelings with them.

[Dinklex3]

People are so quick to assume someone is jealous just because they state their concerns.
I do not think your friends are "jealous ". I think they're being honest with you and are just telling you as a friend what they are thinking and what their concerns are because they care about you.
Tell your friends what you feel about their "accusations".

[tallandsweet]

Thank you very much for your advice!

[Unit1]

They're privileged, who never had to hustle and slave away almost 10 years to be self sustainable in life 🙄 the jealousy can be clearly seen. or it's their ignorance.

only when you hustle soooo much and work your ass off for so many years, that the only free time you have is sleeping, only then you'll understand, that you can't blame how people make their money and pay their bills and stay fed. And that's just to justify your mere existence.

[tallandsweet]

I think their privilege and ignorance is the root of the issue here.

[Unit1]

In the future when you get to that topic again with your privileged friends, just say that it's off limits to a discussion. Nothing wrong with a bit of an attitude at the right moments.

[tallandsweet]

Yeah, that's good advice, thanks!

[nodnol32]

If you want to dig deep into why they said or felt that way when it came to what your boyfriend does for a living, i feel its best to ask them straight up about it. They don't have the full picture infront of them so numerous reasons could have triggered that response. As long as he's hard working and makes money legally, their opinion shouldn't give you headaches and sleepless nights. You're not answerable to them and as long as you and your boyfriend are happy, thats all that matters. Maybe they are jealous or maybe it could be because your boyfriend is from a different background and that could have triggered that response from them. If they really were your true friends and cared about you, they would have expressed concerns in a different and caring manner but based on your question its giving me the impression that they were just bashing you for dating him for perhaps invalid reasons.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you very much for your response.
I'm honestly not sure what happened with them, I just think that I'm really happy right now and since I'm still young and have a lot of other things on my mind, I won't let my friends determine my happiness. That's for sure.

[nodnol32]

You're welcome. Glad to hear you're happy and are looking at yourself and your situation in a positive light :)

[Lynx122]

Well you didn't tell us anything about his jobs so I can't judge if your friend is overreacting or if her reaction is justified.

[tallandsweet]

I guess that's true. Thanks for pointing that out.

[anylolone]

They are trying to sabotage your relationship.

I don't understand why you girls keep assuming jealousy, they could just want you single again, they might not like his personality and want him off, maybe they prefer you single, maybe they just want to down because there you are easier to manipulate.

I'd say find new friends and dump them.

[tallandsweet]

I'm not sure which of the above it is, but I've always been supportive of them or told them to their face when something seemed off for me.
It's odd that they don't return the favour...
They tell me they like him, but seize every opportunity to ridicule him and make fun of him.

[anylolone]

Since when people are contractually obligated by NATURE ITSELF to return the favor?
Sometimes we make friends with assholes because they are entertaining.
Well, that's usually the reason...

though technically you don't necessarily have to ditch them, you can always stomp your foot and say they went out of line.

[Adam1978]

If you need to hide how you earn money it is bound to be a shady unethical way of doing it. And clearly people will assume the worst and judge you for it. Sounds more like your trying to defend your boyfriend then actually clear the suspicion he get when you keep hiding it.

[Jjpayne]

I think you need to do you and let them do them. You are close with your boyfriend, they are not and you trust your boyfriend. I say leave it at that and don't entertain their thoughts about him. Listen but don't respond and change the subject when you can. It's something that I think should stay between you and your boyfriend

[tallandsweet]

I agree with that, thank you very much for your advice and reponse.

[Jjpayne]

You are welcome 😊

[StacyMeet]

I feel like people may sometimes react this way when they don't know something. This feeling of lacking information makes you wonder and make up stories and sometimes people's imagination just goes wild.

[tallandsweet]

I guess that may be right. Thanks for your response!

[rienna888]

Yeah they're probably jealous, just dont talk about your boyfriend to them so they won't talk more shit

[Jamie05rhs]

You never know. He may actually be a criminal. Have you ever looked into his background thoroughly?

[tallandsweet]

I have.

[Jamie05rhs]

Okay. That's good.

[Anonymous]

Meanwhile I’m single
busting my 🍑 working in a warehouse for 6 - 9 hours at 3 in the morning
Just to bring home a little over 300 bucks lol

Some people just have it better

[tallandsweet]

I'm so sorry you're in a situation like that right now.

[Anonymous]

You shared an interesting and useful information about jealous thanks for

[slimguyasks]

So what does he do. Why is it not openly said?

[tallandsweet]

Because there's no point in me revealing this information online.

[slimguyasks]

funny because it is reason why it's shady.

[msc545]

You definitely need new friends.

[tallandsweet]

It's difficult to find new friends, but I agree with you.
They're not supportive of my relationship.

[msc545]

Unfortunately, they don't seem to be. I'm sorry - that is miserable.

[tallandsweet]

Agreed, it's pretty unfortunate. I'm also no longer telling them stuff about our relationship (not that I did before).
Basically, what I can't tell my parents, I can't tell them.
My parents don't know about him yet, so there's that.

[msc545]

You have excellent judgment. I hope my comments were somewhat comforting.

[Jamie05rhs]

@tallandsweet I understand how you feel. But you shouldn't keep a boyfriend a secret from everyone. There should be at least one person that you keep informed. This is for safety reasons.