How to have a safe first date if you are a lady! (A good read for guys.

OlderAndWiser u
Off to a good start!
Off to a good start!

I recently posted an opinion on this topic and received great feedback so I thought I would expand the topic and elaborate on some of these issues.

If you have a first date with someone you have known for a while, these "rules" (suggestions) probably don't apply to you, because you should already know the guy well enough to know that he is trustworthy and not a psycho killer creep.

Think hes cute? Meet Ted Bundy, serial killer. Executed in 1989.
Think he's cute? Meet Ted Bundy, serial killer. Executed in 1989.

If you are doing online dating, you exchange a few messages and then you may suggest a face-to-face meeting without first talking on the phone. I have had a few ladies make that suggestion and I always agreed but, more often, we exchanged phone numbers and talked a few times. If a guy makes that suggestion, maybe he's not psycho but just desperate and lonely, but you should still be careful!

Even after talking a few times, you really don't KNOW if this guy is okay or psycho, but at a certain point, you say to yourself, 'he sounds okay so might as well go meet him and see what happens.'

He is probably a safe first date; most men are. The odds of him being a serial killer or serial rapist are exceedingly low, but if he is . . . the outcome could be catastrophic or even fatal. So, you must take precautions, NOT because he is probably a serial killer, but because, if he IS a serial killer, you won't get a second chance to correct your mistake.

So, how do you protect yourself? These suggestions are not exhaustive but they cover most of the possibilities. Maybe you don't need to do all of these suggestions, but think about doing a fair number of them.

1. Don't use your real name in any way when you create your online profile. JuliaWalthour1976, I'm gonna guess that your name is Julia Walthour and you were born in 1976. If your name is Sally Jones, maybe I won't find you but if it's Julia Walthour, it probably won't take me very long to find your home address if I want to find out more about you. (In my job, I occasionally need to find people for whom I don't have current contact info. With just a little bit of practice, it is relatively easy to find most people.)

I redacted the address but its there for anyone to see online.
I redacted the address but it's there for anyone to see online.

2. Don't tell the guy your real name when you exchange DMs or talk on the phone. And if you call him, make sure that your phone is set to block caller ID. I use my cell phone for business and I've had caller ID on my phone for years. About 4 years ago, I had a woman get quite irate because I knew her name after she called me. I'm not a stalker and I have a legitimate reason for having caller ID. If she doesn't want me to see her name, she should have caller ID blocked!

So her real name is Shannon!
So her real name is Shannon!

3. Don't tell the guy where you work. Do you want a stalker showing up at your place of employment embarrassing you? So you just say, "I work at a bank," instead of "I work at First Fidelity Credit Union downtown."

4. Same rule applies for where did you go to high school. If I know your age, your first name, and what high school you attended, I can find your high school yearbook online. If you have a first name like "Arlene," I can probably find you in your yearbook, then look for marriage licenses a few years after your graduation and find your married name. From there, I'll probably have your address quickly. It's amazing how easy it is to find people online.

5. When he suggests meeting up for dinner, suggest a place that you don't normally frequent. If you are hesitant at all, suggest a lunch meeting. There is far less likelihood of crazy stuff happening during the day.

6. You tell a friend, in advance, where you are meeting and you give them his picture and name. If his profile didn't have a picture . . . no date. And if you have any doubt at all, tell him, "Listen, the last time I did this, the guy showed up and didn't look at all like the picture on his profile. Can you humor me and send me a picture of your driver's license?"

How to have a safe first date if you are a lady! (A good read for guys.

7. YOU will drive yourself to dinner. He will NOT pick you up from your home, your work, or anywhere else. You do NOT get in a car to go anywhere with him on a first date. Even better, have a friend drive you to the meeting place and drop you off or do Uber/Lyft/etc. You don't want him to see your car and likely get your tag number.

8. Do no agree to meet him at a park or downtown for a walk or anywhere else where it will just be you and him. It is incredible how many profiles I have seen in which ladies said that the ideal first date would be a walk on the beach at night! How tremendously risky!

9. Your date begins and ends at the same location. You don't go anywhere with him.

10. Have the same friend call you about 15-30 minutes after you arrive for a safety check/rescue call. If it's going badly, you pretend there's a personal emergency and you need to leave now. If it is going well, you just laugh and tell him, "it was the obligatory rescue call in case it was going badly . . . but this isn't going badly!"

11. At a certain point, you will probably need to excuse yourself to go to the ladies' room. First, time your visit so that you finish whatever you are drinking before you go. When you go, take your purse with you. A creep could get a glance at your driver's license in the time you are gone to "powder your nose." Next, you order a fresh drink when you return. Don't give a creep a chance to slip a roofie in your drink.

How to have a safe first date if you are a lady! (A good read for guys.

10. And speaking of drinks, it's okay to have something alcoholic to drink, but know your limit and don't drink more than about 1/3 of what you might normally drink. All of the things you are doing to stay safe will be forgotten if you get too "relaxed."

11. If you did drive yourself to the date, don't allow him to walk you to your car after the meeting because he can find your home address by tracing your tag number. Tell him that a friend is picking you up and you two are going shopping together, so you say goodbye at the restaurant entrance, and you remain there waiting or your friend or Uber/Lyft.

12. Of course, if you feel wonderful about him and you want a goodnight kiss, let him walk you to your car and then let nature takes its course . . . but recognize that you are taking a calculated risk.

How to have a safe first date if you are a lady! (A good read for guys.

13. The most difficult part of the first date is trying protect yourself from getting raped and murdered and having fun at the same time. Don't be afraid to tell him that first dates always make you a bit apprehensive and you will probably loosen up and be much more fun on a second or third date.

14. Pay attention to how he responds to your efforts to protect yourself. Does he resent your actions? Are your efforts interfering with his plans (which were more likely to involve trying to convince you to get in bed with him rather than rape and murder)? Does he understand your concerns and is he respectful of your need to feel safe and secure? Is this the kind of guy who protect you or exploit you? That is very valuable information to get from this first date.

How to have a safe first date if you are a lady! (A good read for guys.

15. I realize that all of this may sound paranoid, but . . . Natalie Holloway might still be a live if she had been paranoid instead of too trusting. When you start sending that the guy is just a regular dude, respectful, the kind your father would approve . . . you can put away the loaded handgun, pack up the mace, and try to have fun!

GUYS: We don't worry about being raped or murdered on a first date but these are valid concerns for a lady. She's not being careful because she is convinced that you are a bad guy; she may think that you are a wonderfully charming guy but that is exactly how girls described Ted Bundy (the ones who survived meeting him.) She just wants to know you a little better before she lets her guard down. Show some sensitivity and respect for her concerns and you will score major points with her. Treat her like she is acting stupid and there probably won't be a second date.

How to have a safe first date if you are a lady! (A good read for guys.
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Most Helpful Girl

  • Anonymous

    Also, if the date is somewhere downtown where you may end up parking a few blocks from the restaurant, consider paying for valet at the restaurant itself. I NEVER valet my car, but I did when I went on my first online date. My thought process was, he might offer to walk me to my car, at which point, saying no would be a little awkward. Instead, I let him walk me to the valet (which never left the restaurant/crowds), and then the valet attendants were there. I was never left alone with the guy.

    LikeDisagree 3 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • But what he kills the valet?🤔

    • kkirk4442

      @micheal727jovanie Right.. He's going to kill the valet right in front of the restaurant with everyone watching. A valet sounds like a good idea for a first date. I also wonder if taking his picture and sending it to a friend would make you safer. If things start to go badly, let him know the picture was sent.

    • Anonymous

      @kkirk4442 exactly! It's FAR less likely that a guy would kill the valet in public than it is for him to rape or murder his date in private. Is it 100% fool proof? No, but nothing is. It's still a much better bet than taking our chances alone with a guy we just met.

      Great addition about taking a picture and sending it to a friend. I've done that after reading articles online about how to stay safe online dating. I've also texted a friend the address of the meeting place and downloaded a location-sharing app on my phone and shared my location with a friend.

    • Show All

Most Helpful Guy

  • msc545

    Good article, but with this level of suspicion, is the date really worth it?

    Like 4 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • Yes, because the odds are overwhelmingly in favor of the guy being a decent dude.

    • msc545

      I understand, but I am wondering about the effect on him if he knows about the many precautions. If someone did this to me, I would simply cancel the date.

    • I've had women exercise these kind of cautious maneuvers with me and, once you get past the first date, they relax.

    • Show All

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • coachTanthony

    Women 15 years ago would ask me how can I get a guy to ask me for my phone number? Now... they ask me how do I not give my phone number out to guys who may bother me if it doesn't work out.

    Times have changed. These are always good reminders. If women don't want to give away their phone number to some stranger they can always use alternative apps like whatsapp.

    LikeDisagree 21 People
    Reply
  • Brainsbeforebeauty

    Good advice that I hope people take... Just because someone seems harmless it's better to get to know them better before you put yourself at potential risk..

    LikeDisagree 4 People
    Reply
  • Lliam

    Great advice. But you just ruined my career as an ax murderer. LOL (teasing)

    I actually knew all of my girlfriends except two before we started going together. But one girlfriend and my wife did it all wrong.

    With the best girlfriend I ever had (the last one before I met my wife), we dined at a restaurant near her house. Afterward, I walked her to her door. She put the key in the latch, then turned, placed her hands on top of my shoulders, lifted herself on her tiptoes, and gave me a kiss. Her lips were so tender that my head actually spun. We went on one more date (the county fair), and when I dropped her off, she invited me inside, and treated me to the most amazing sex I had ever experienced. We wound up living together for over a year after that. The girl was a remarkable treasure in so many ways. I will love her to my dying day and will never forget her.

    When I met my (future) wife, we met at a restaurant. We got along incredibly well. Afterward, I walked her to her car in the parking lot. We stood there and talked for a long time. No one else was around. I could have thrown her in the trunk of my car. Fortunately, I'm not really an ax murderer. LOL

    LikeDisagree 3 People
    Reply

    • Sounds like the x took a scalpel to your heart. how did you resolve that with your wife?
      there's a story in why that didn't work. passion doesn't make up for everything else, and we all in the end... want some peace of mind, is that right?

    • Lliam

      @lightbulb27. We separated for reasons that are complicated. I can't explain it. I was 37 and she was 31. I guess we both had issues. We loved each other, though.

      When we separated, I felt like my guts had been kicked out, sometimes to the point of feeling nauseous. A while later, she tried to reconnect, but I was afraid that we would never work out as life-log partners, so I didn't go back. I honestly didn't think I could survive a second break up with her. It was like a alcohol or heroin addiction. It took me over a year to pull up my socks and resume my life.

      She wound up moving out of state to be near her teen age son and mother.

      20 years after we broke up, she found me on Facebook and reconnected. We even spoke on the phone a few times. She sound of her voice filled me with joy and longing. I was satisfied just to know that she was in the world, happy and pursuing her dreams.
      About five years after we reconnected, I read that she had passed away from a sudden medical problem. I was devastated. There is a hole in my heart that will never heal. If only I could hear her voice again. I still visit her Facebook page once in a while, as if visiting her graveside.

      I never mentioned her to my wife until years later. There was no reason to. The first time I mentioned her was to talk about some of our Facebook conversations because Petra had become so knowledgeable about things. She shared some really interesting information. At that point, I told my wife that we had been in a relationship long ago, but I didn't go into detail. I told my wife when Petra died because I had to share my sorrow with someone and my wife is my best friend. But I never talked about how important my relationship with Petra had been to me. I mean, I wouldn't want to hear stories about my wife's former lovers, either.

    • Sorry for the sadness in your life. You handled it wisely with respect to your wife.

    • Show All
  • blank_expression

    Yeah, I did have a date once that I sensed was always providing me contrived answers, names, and etc. First off, the trust level went to zero, bilaterally, and I began to think what does she have to hide? You do realize that just being out in public one can snare a stalker, serial killer, right? It doesn’t take a date. Anyways, if things are this f-ed up out there, then it is best to hide in the basement wearing a mask, by yourself, shivering.

    LikeDisagree 3 People
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    • You only need to show some respect and understanding and most women will soon become trusting.

  • 21browngirl

    I recently went on my first date after 2 years of single phase. The guy luckily turned out to be sweet and fun to talk to. We are definitely meeting again. The facts that I checked was, his facebook profile, his linkedin profile. He seemed genuine and was correct on whatever he said so I guess that gave me confidence. Although the first meet we had was over a coffee in a public area, and later a walk by harbour front.

    Like 1 Person
    Reply
  • A_Bell

    A guy would have to be a fool to send a photo of his driver's license to a stranger. Women are victimizers as frequently as men, it is often just different. This is a good way to get your identity stolen and if a girl asks you this guys, run away.

    Like 1 Person
    Reply
    • You can redact your driver's license number before you send it.

    • A_Bell

      There is a lot more information than that. But then, you can simply photoshop a fake one.

    • And if he walks in and doesn't look like his driver's license photo, you immediately leave.

  • hydeorride34

    Make sure that your current date is weaker than your ex boyfriend. Secretly tell your ex you want to meet up and then the ex will get jealous and viciously attack him because he’s more than likely tougher and violent. If the ex is a football player or a badass martial artist he will be able to get an easy kill on the weaker guy. It’ll make him a bigger man. Who agrees?

    LikeDisagree 5 People
    Reply
    • And then he'll get hauled off to court for assault and spend the next 5 years getting analed in prison. Great idea, any other hot takes?

    • Unfortunately, in digital communications, it is extremely difficult to tell if someone is being serious or sarcastic.

    • Shihab91

      hahahahahahaha

    • Show All
  • Old_Golden

    As paranoid as I am I'd actually appreciate meeting someone who thought about all this stuff and was prepared in case things go sideways. And between the internet, social media, and "public" information the government records it's really scary how much you can find out about people

    Like 2 People
    Reply
  • WolfBaneGal

    Your article is all common sense. Particularly the last line about men who don't have the brainpower to realize that women have good reason to be cautious.

    But then, thankfully, they weed themselves out of the decent-people dating pool by their behavior and get stuck with the tramps by the majority.

    Like 3 People
    Reply
  • crazy8000

    If you would meet someone like Bundy you would most likely get good vibes and they are patient. No matter if it's a female or a male that are like that.

    A lot of needs to learn more how unpleasant people work and behave. also how to spot them ina early stage.

    Like 1 Person
    Reply
    • Yes, but most of what you can detect is done when you are physically together and not just exchanging texts

  • Scotte1us

    Tell someone that he also knows you are going out to date with him , only problem how can you know he has infections, unfortunetly these days its very dangerous to go out with strangers , women or man , i guess you must know eachother maybe through friends.

    Like 1 Person
    Reply
    • 1. "Tell someone that he also knows you are going out to date with him" If this is an internet date, she doesn't even know his last name. How would she know his friends?

      2. "Only problem how can you know he has infections?" We're talking about a first date, not a sexual encounter.

      3. "Unfortunately these days its very dangerous to go out with strangers, women or man." It is NOT very dangerous unless you are with the wrong person. Most of us are very safe first dates. Dating is the process of getting to know someone and then letting your guard down.

      4. "I guess you must know each other maybe through friends." Not if it's an internet date.

  • AdithyaR

    This is very good advice. Well written.

    It's sad that women have to take such precautions, so I'd be glad to do what I can to help them feel safer.

    LikeDisagree 4 People
    Reply
    • Make a woman feel safe, and she will start trusting you, become more comfortable, and want to see you again.

    • AdithyaR

      But of course this is only useful if I ever do go on a date 😅😅

  • yankees992012

    If your really that afraid then don't date. There are many guys out there that are safe. What you see in the news doesn't happen on daily basis. Get over it and have fun.

    LikeDisagree 3 People
    Reply
    • "If your really that afraid then don't date." Do you take precautions against other drivers when you leave home in your automobile, or are you simply too afraid and never leave home? You have oversimplified the issue.

      "There are many guys out there that are safe." And how does a woman KNOW that before she starts dating you?

    • It all comes down to what lifestyle you choose. If you hang out with people who are likewise not in the norms of the society then this is what you expect. If you are around with good people then your mindset may change. It quite safe to date and precautions defeats the purpose to get to know your date. As for women same reply to above, it all comes down what lifestyle you choose.

    • No your wrong there pal. Not getting over our Fear is the worst way you can live your life. Now you say at least maybe you get to live but that’s not a life I
      Would want for any price

    • Show All
  • Trainborn35

    Guys should be careful too. The worst thing that happened when I did an online date was that she stole my credit card and I didn’t realize it until I found charges from ritzy 5th Ave stores. But I have heard of a guy who got invited back to a girl’s house. He thought he was going to get lucky but on the way in he got jumped by three of her guy friends who stole his wallet and cell phone.

    Like 2 People
    Reply
  • CrotchRot

    I clicked on this because it's a guy trying to tell a woman how to be safe on a date.

    Please, tell us about all your experience being a woman, heading to a date!

    Disagree 1 Person
    Reply
    • I don't generally engage in conversations with haughty people named Crotch Rot. Especially when they only engage in name calling instead of commenting on the merits of the subject.

    • DianaWest

      what's wrong with a man giving a woman advice on how to stay safe? his advice is very good. you should consider it. i will. maybe i won't do everything, but the whole fake name thing, i probably will do.

  • DWornock

    Don't worry about some guy becoming a stalker when he first meets you. Men don't become stalkers until after you have established at least a minimum relationship because there is no investment of time, effort, or money.

    The main thing is to have him meet your parents or if you meet him at a public place have a friend come with you and also meet him. Your parents or friend needs to know who he is and can positively identify him from a picture and/or other info. And, he needs to know your parents or friend knows that you were with him and that they know who he is and can identify him. Therefore, he knows, if anything happens to you, he is the prime suspect, and the police will be talking to him and investigating. Not even Jack the Ripper would have murdered any of the women if he knew the police knew they were together and who he was.

    Any man that made it adulthood that in theory would do such a thing, under those circumstances, is in prison or in a mental institution. If you want to imagine that it is possible that he might harm you, never get into a car with him or any car, because the odds or at least 10,000 times greater of your getting injured or killed in a car accident.

    Disagree 3 People
    Reply
  • DexWest

    I know I'll probably get a lot of flack for this, but this article has some good points (7, 8, 9) and part of 10; however, the rest is complete and utter garbage. Here is the reason why.
    In the first part about Ted Buddy, the probability of meeting a serial killer is somewhere around 1/600,000; however, the same argument can be said about women. Be careful when dating women because they could be the next Nannie Doss, Kristen Gilbert, or Aileen Wuornos. I have said repeatedly on this site that if you only look for the darkness, then that is all you're going to find.

    Regarding point 1, it's perfectly fine to make a fake account for social media, but you better manage to get your story straight before you meet anyone from online. Undercover agents with the CIA, NSA, FBI train for months to get their stories straight. It's not as simple as just making up some fake name and details because you're going to have to remember all of those details like they're your own, but more then likely, you'll slip up and mention something different.

    To put this bluntly, speaking from professional experience as a certified ethical hacker, anybody with a cursory knowledge of Kali Linux, and the tools included can bypass all your precautions. You're IP address holds a trove of information that most people don't realize. Information such as your device, device name, ISP, location of device, etc. If you trade pictures, even if the picture is one that you downloaded off the internet, I can get the following information from a single picture because your information replaces the original information.

    Device Make, Model Name, Owner's Name, Serial Number,
    Picture creation date and time
    Camera Settings such as zoom rate, exposure, white balance, saturation, etc
    GPS (latitude, longitude, altitude, image direction, date stamp, time stamp)

    Furthermore, to point 15, as a former Law Enforcement Officer, I can attest to the fact that the courts do not and will not take "I was nervous," or "I was scared" as a legal excuse for either pepper spraying, stabbing, or shooting someone. You WILL be arrested, sent to jail, and prosecuted for anything from assault up to and including murder.

    If you're nervous, scared, or getting bad vibes from someone online, then don't meet with them. It is that simple.

    Now, I will talk on a personal note, I value trust above everything else. If someone I met pulled this crap and built a relationship on a lie... It's over. I would automatically, without hesitation, end the relationship.

    LikeDisagree 2 People
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  • AzzaBlue

    I would've thought that all of these suggestion were common sense.

    Like 2 People
    Reply
    • They are, but common sense is not always commonly understood.

    • AzzaBlue

      That is sad but true.

    • True. I think some of it is also people not wanting to feel like they’re offending others too. I mean just look at some of the blue answers here - but then like you say common sense would tip you in the direction of avoiding those types.

  • PaynefulPleasures

    Awesome amazing great advice & thank you for sharing this information. I totally get everything you're saying, it's so truthful ✌️

    LikeDisagree 5 People
    Reply
  • SupremeWarlord

    Nice tips, it certainly makes dates for men harder, but it also makes the murderer's job harder, so it's worthy ;)

    Well, except the "hiding your name" bit, if I discover that a woman was lying to me about her name then I would be the one thinking I was about to be scammed or something. Well I might believe if they say "no that's just because dates for women might be dangerous, I promise I was not trying to deceive you" ┐( ̄∀ ̄)┌

    LikeDisagree 2 People
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