1 mo

Why men can't bring themselves to approach women anymore.

Anonymous
Why men cant bring themselves to approach women anymore.

I encourage women in particular to share their opinions here.

I often hear from my female classmates and family members how dismayed they are that no men are willing to ask them out or even approach them, and the few that do are mostly creeps and perverts.

When they discuss this among themselves, the overwhelming conclusion they reach is that men are just wimps and don't have confidence anymore.

Frankly, this is just a copout and is not the reason men are no longer willing to approach. I grow tired of having to do this, but I have had to explain it on many occasions.

The reason men won't approach women anymore is because they don't want to come across as creepy. Because men are expected by society to make the first move, a degree of assertive behaviour is needed from them to ask women out.

The problem is that nowadays, any kind of assertive behaviour by a man towards a woman is seen as morally abhorrent.

Unless a man is extremely good looking, and sometimes even if he is, any man who attempts to approach a woman will be viewed as a creep by default.

While it is extremely unlikely for a man to be falsely convicted of sexual harassment, or for harassment claims to involve any police or legal action at all, the mere accusation can be severely damaging to a man, especially if he is innocent.

But if this is so rare, why are so many men afraid of it, you might ask?

Mainly as a negative side effect of feminism and MeToo. Hold on a minute. Hear me out before you verbally try to kill me in comments...

I don't oppose female efforts for equality or exposing sexual harassment. I'm not a MGTOW member or an incel and I don't blame women for the problem of men not approaching.

However, I have to recognise that this is largely an unintended consequence of feminism. Men have increasingly been socially conditioned to feel guilty as a collective demographic for crimes like rape and sexual harassment. This is largely due to the sheer scale of the problem. 1 in 16 men are estimated to be sex offenders. That's a horrifying statistic. I confess openly that this statistic makes me feel guilty at the mere mention of it.

This guilt makes men fear they might say or do something inadvertently that might be misinterpreted as a deliberate attempt at sexual harassment.

A very good article on elevate (an organisation promoting gender equality in the workplace) covers this well: https://www.ellevatenetwork.com/articles/9666-dear-sir-don-t-let-metoo-make-you-afraid-of-me

This is more related to workplace behaviour, but the same principle applies.

Specifically, these 3 paragraphs:

Something troubling has been happening to me lately. Men appear to be afraid of me. A male superior at work asked, “Is it okay to say that?” after complimenting me on a new pair of “funky” boots. Another man apologized profusely after tapping my elbow. A male colleague called after a tense, but completely professional conversation to make sure that, “You are okay and don’t feel like I was rude.”

“Strangely, it’s men who aren’t doing anything wrong who are feeling needlessly nervous,” says Dr. Arin Reeves, a leading researcher in workplace leadership and president of employment advisory firm Nextions. “The men who are not nervous are probably the ones to worry about.”

We get why men are nervous. “We talk about what are wrong behaviors, but we never as a country, as a culture, talk about what the right behaviors are,” says Reeves. “Imagine if someone watched you eat for week, and pointed out all the stuff that was unhealthy, but never thought to tell you about what was healthy. You’d be nervous every time you picked up a fork.”

Because we constantly hear about these harassment cases and toxic behaviours around women, we are subconsciously being conditioned to think that everything we could say or do around a woman is toxic.

Hence, men have had their confidence shattered an we can't bring ourselves to approach women, if only because we want to respect their boundaries.

This has influenced my own behaviour.

I dare not talk to female classmates (all but 2 of my 20 or so classmates are female) about anything informal or non-class or non-assignment related.

I dare not come into any physical contact with a woman, even a handshake, unless she extends her hand first. Even then I feel guilty for touching her.

I always keep my hands in my pockets, behind my back, or otherwise as far away from women as possible at all times.

I don't know what the solution to all of this is, but it must be found soon, or the sexes will end up antagonising and hating each other even more.

Why men can't bring themselves to approach women anymore.
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Most Helpful Girl

  • MzAsh

    I think a healthy fear of women (respect) and consequences of wrong behavior towards women is necessary. One thing I’ve noticed is that men fear other men more than they fear women. Men respect men, but not many men respect women in the same way and they should. We want men to fear treating us badly. But we also want men to understand how to properly connect with women they are genuinely interested in getting to know. We don’t want men only interested in banging.

    HelpfulDisagree 5 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      A lot of men still fail to take women seriously. I hear a lot from some men that misogyny in the west is a thing from the 1960s and that feminism has out stayed its welcome, but take this as an example.

      This was from someone I know on Twitter. She and 3 female friends went on holiday to Italy. While there, they hired speed boat. The male owner of the service asked them where the man of the group was. When they said there wasn't one, he asked who would do the driving without one.

      In all honesty, if I'd walked in an heard that, I would have been tempted to punch him in the face.

      As for the last bit of your comment, that reminds me of something I forgot to mention. Another reason why I don't approach women is because of the stereotype that all men are obsessed with sex. I hate men that are like that and hate the prospect of women thinking I'm in that category. I find that this applies to a lot of other men as well.

      I think that stereotype has a lot to do with the fact that the modern concept of masculinity is heavily related to sex and especially having a sexual advantage over women. You may have read it, but if you haven't, I elaborated on this in a reply to a male opinion by Guy13, if you're interested.

    • "We don’t want men only interested in banging." The average woman prefers this if we judge her behaviors as opposed to her words. Or else why do they go to the club and go home with men? Why do they "netflix and chill" with a man known for being a playboy instead of going on a dinner date with just some normal man? They may say what you said but they purposely seek out casual sex at every opportunity. Lmao.

    • MzAsh

      Those women are either immature or they’re not looking for a relationship at that time. Women interested in a relationship aren’t going to hook up right away.

    • Show All

Most Helpful Guy

  • Slartybartfast

    “The men who are not nervous are probably the ones to worry about.”

    If he finds it easy to approach women, he's the last man you should ever date.

    The only way to find it easy is not to care, the only people who don't care what other think are literally the worst men. Think serial killer.

    LikeHelpful 2 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • Wrong. Any man who won't initiate is not ready for a relationship. He is a needy whiny bitch to put it politely.

    • Inbox

      @slartybartfast Yeah, I don't agree. I approach girls quite easily and quite a lot. Grab a few #s a week and go out with 2 - 3 new girls every month, but when I meet a great girl, I'm quite loyal to her - as my current girl knows.

    • @slartybartfast That's false reality is there are Alpha men like me that aren't afraid to approach a women. There is nothing inherently wrong about doing that so not sure why you're making it into such a big deal.

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What Girls & Guys Said

527
  • Blackcosmo

    Wow I would have never known this is what actually happens behind the scenes. You're right. Every guy is literally being associated with sexual harassment and it's hard to deal with that. I guess since women don't really know what's going on in men's heads, it's better to assume the negative and take protective measures. I'm sorry to all those who have gone through this.

    LikeHelpful 5 People
    Reply
    • Anonymous

      It's the stereotype of the sex obsessed man that exacerbates all the other things I mentioned. The automatic assumption when a man approaches a woman is that he wants to get in that woman's pants.

      This means that men who are probably fine, can't approach safely, so the only men doing the approaching are the worst types of men who can't keep their genitals in their pants, which only makes the stereotype worse.

    • Blackcosmo

      I agree and I'm sure it's really frustrating.

    • This is EXACTLY why I don't approach women. I don't want to make them uncomfortable knowing what women go through these days with creepy men. So I never know how to approach.

  • Chazmatazz269

    “While it is extremely unlikely for a man to be falsely convicted of sexual harassment, or for harassment claims to involve any police or legal action at all, the mere accusation can be severely damaging to a man, especially if he is innocent.”
    This is categorically false. There are dozens of high profile cases we can look to for evidence of women making false accusations and only by a miracle was the case broken. The idea that these cases represent 100% of all false accusation cases, or even a majority, is nothing short of willful ignorance. It’s literally the ONLY “crime” for which an investigation will proceed despite a complete absence of evidence and the complainant doesn’t have to participate beyond making the initial accusation! But i digress.
    So now that it’s a crime for a man to approach a woman and the women’s liberation movement did its job, it’s time for women to start approaching men as the norm. Problem solved! Isn’t it curious how giving women exactly what they wanted causes a “problem” to begin with?
    I actually have a belief that women will develop some other obtuse way to display that they’re “eligible”. Like a ring on a certain finger, or a bow in their hair. If you look at Bumble, an app designed to ensure women don’t have to engage with men they aren’t interested in by giving them the exclusive privilege of initial contact. The majority of women on that app don’t actually initiate a conversation unless a man spends money to “super like” them! To whatever limited extent people are still meeting in the “real world”, there will be something like that to flag boys to chase girls so females never have to risk rejection. This is “equality”! Ell oh ell!

    Like 1 Person
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    • Anonymous

      I must disagree with the claim about false harassment allegations. In the UK for example, Home Office studies have estimated that only 4% of harassment claims are false. Other studies in the US and EU have estimated rates of 2-6%.

      In addition, during September of 2021 only 1.3% of all reported instances of rape in the UK resulted in criminal charges. Far lower than the average rate for all crimes at 7.1%.

      Sources:

      www.open.ac.uk/.../false-accusations-sexual-violence

      https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-48095118.amp

  • Zeus_66

    Women deserve it many times. Many think they are too good for certain men. And when a good guy comes along, they have no interest. The reality is simple: marriage is decreasing because men literally don't get anything but pain and suffering out of the relationship if they marry a shallow, yet "empowered" woman. Women can shame me all they want. But the ones that shame will be the ones wondering why no men are asking to date them. TikTok this. You'll see.

    Like 3 People
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    • EarthRealm

      My Hope is that Dudes and chicks become Rivals and hate each other even more than they already do and that there rivalry Turns into such Hatred that All Desire to be with each other Ceases to exist and No babies are ever Created ever again

    • EarthRealm

      I’m looking forward to the extinction of the Human Race by That simple Explanation

    • Zeus_66

      Alrighty then.

    • Show All
  • globetrotter22

    One about the metoo and radical feminism crowd is they have this strong delusional belief that if they march, “protest”, scream, pass laws and educate boys to “not rape” then the real bad guys out there will somehow be guilt stricken and suddenly give a damn. It’s like believing a criminal or active shooter will suddenly think twice if he sees a “gun free zone” sticker in front of a school or building.

    The true bad guys do NOT care. They don’t give a rats ass about all the bs feminist commotion. The worst of them will sometimes parrot feminist crap. Harvey Weinstein was pushing pro feminist movies (Kill Bill), voting and supporting democrats and doing other woke crap to “talk the talk”. If he wasn’t a leftist movie producer his bs would of been called out much sooner.

    So what has all this feminist hoopla accomplishment. All it’s done is scare, intimidate and confuse well meaning guys who actually DO care about what women think. These guys wouldn’t do something abusive if their lives depended on it.

    But far leftists and feminists are just too stupid to understand that. They expect men to magically read women’s minds about whether they want to be approached or not.

    Helpful 1 Person
    Reply
  • BloodMoon25

    I had a lot of problems with men because barely any would approach me, and those who did were, more often than not, just trying to get in bed with me after one date. Really, guys?

    So I tried approaching the guys instead. A very good idea! Went on lots of dates with quite a few genuinely lovely guys. I actually have a longterm relationship with a shy but lovable and protective guy.

    Helpful 5 People
    Reply
  • WinterJoy49

    I can attest to the reality of this. I had the same problem of the guys I liked not approaching me, and if they interacted with me in a professional context, they were always hyper cautious. Those men who did approach me were mostly sex craving lunatics. My brother explained this exact experience to me and encouraged me to do the approaching instead. It was a bit discomforting at first, but, my god! My dating life improved so much!

    Now in a very happy relationship with a very good man!

    LikeHelpful 5 People
    Reply
  • JSmuve

    I completely agree with much of what you wrote.

    "I often hear from my female classmates and family members how dismayed they are that no men are willing to ask them out or even approach them, and the few that do are mostly creeps and perverts.

    When they discuss this among themselves, the overwhelming conclusion they reach is that men are just wimps and don't have confidence anymore."

    It's funny how it never dawns on these girls that if they call all the guys that approach them "creeps and perverts", guys are going to clue in that if they approach them, they too are likely to be called "creeps and perverts". It becomes a simple logical statement: if you approach, you're creepy. So the answer is to not approach.

    These women are just creating their own problems by fostering a negative environment that shapes men's behavior and then blaming men for it. They don't even recognize how they're gaslighting an entire group of guys through their attitude. Your options as a guy are to either be a creep, pervert, or wimp.

    All I hear about on this site is don't approach here, don't approach there, wait for her to make the first move, don't do this, don't say that, all guys are creeps, guys only want one thing. It's like this whole perverse discourse is meant to subjugate men and discourage them from acting. Then you wind up with a whole generation of guys who are lonely and their only interaction with women is through social media.

    “The men who are not nervous are probably the ones to worry about.”

    See, I disagree here. The men who are not nervous are the ones who are most likely to be able to make a woman feel comfortable and at ease around him, thereby succeeding with her. A nervous guy will just make the girl nervous and uncomfortable and is more likely to be called a creep.

    Reply
  • Guy13

    Very well stated...
    The Feminists made their bed AND now they either lay alone in it... Lay with another girl in it... and/or lay beside the child that the missing sperm donor left her.

    This is the Leftist world where everything that is Good is tainted AND all that Is Right is made Wrong... AND All that is Wrong is made Right.

    Reply
    • Anonymous

      I don't talk about this with a left vs right perspective, but social justice has contributed to this and largely finds its roots in leftist academics. However, I don't think the Right's response has been very helpful, since it mostly just results in both sides playing the blame game.

      I think a lot of sexual violence against women is largely rooted in the relationship between masculinity and sexual dominance over women. This is most obvious in pornographic material. This creates a lot of pressure on men to conform to the resulting expectations. Men with severe insecurity about their masculinity almost always have some preexisting mental health problem. This may also explain why men who commit rape and sexual harassment usually have severe mental health problems. In other words, most men who commit these crimes do so out of desperation to prove their masculinity to themselves. The exceptions mainly being men in positions of power who abuse their privileges.

      I base my theory on the conditions in other cultures with different expectations for men and women. Like the Mosuo society in China, for example. For the Mosuo, sex and dominance over women is unrelated to masculinity. Men are not under any social pressure to have as much sex as possible. This coincides with the fact that rape is extremely rare among the Mosuo. So rare in fact that in their own native language, they don't even have a word for it.

      Maybe a there's a valuable lesson to be learned from the Mosuo.

  • Snakeyes7

    I have often heard an analogy that the dating game is that women are the board and the rules and men are merely the players. Thanks to metoo and the feminist movement in general the rules now don't make any sense anymore and the board is random and jagged, a minefield really.

    The entire conjecture of Patriarchy is designed to make the sexes afraid of each other. It is why we are seeing rhetoric like rape culture ("men need to be taught not to rape" especially), #believewomen, sexual objectification, that men are always the abusive ones and any woman acting violently is just defending herself (Duluth Model), and so on.

    Narratives like this distort how we see the world. Because there is so much cultural stigma into not falling for it, which is the false dichotomy of either being a feminist or a sexist, most of us did. Now, we as a culture cannot perceive men's vulnerability and instead preceive them as far more powerful than they actually are as well read bad intentions into everything they do.

    We also think of women conversely. We can't see women's bad intent or agency (hence the Women are Wonderful Effect) and the thought of them having power is an abstract concept to us. When women have power it was justified because of men's supposed greater power because all we can see is their vulnerability.

    If you hate what the situation this MyTaker describes as much as I do, fixing it will take a lot of cultural revolution in an effort to see each other as human beings.

    TLDR: The sexes are afraid of each other and it is not a good sign. The only way to change this is to undergo a massive cultural shift on how we see the interactions between men and women. Preferably that we see both sexes are human.

    Reply
  • Tomcat68

    Women should really learn how to approach guys. Guys know what it’s like to not only get rejected but to also be purposely embarrassed. I think because of this most guys are going to be considerate and avoid embarrassing them. The risk is much lower for women.

    Reply
  • Agagagagaga

    I’d encourage all men to stop looking at, checking out, hitting on, or speaking to all women. Most of them don’t want to be approached and in fact we’re doing nothing but bothering them with our attention. Start respecting women and leave them alone.

    Like 1 Person
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  • DeltaCharlieEcho

    Why would we? We can be charged with sexual assault without even saying anything to a woman.

    Helpful 1 Person
    Reply
    • Xrynx

      Has it actually happend to you before?

    • @Xrynx it has happened to many men. I’ve had false claims leveraged against me in workplaces by people I don’t even interact with. Women are psychotic and we need to start institutionalizing them again and brow beat them into being normal.

    • Anonymous

      @Xrynx While, as it is rare (about 4% of cases in the UK) it does happen and I have met victims of false allegations as well as make harassment victims.

    • Show All
  • anon1903

    I understand.

    Is it okay if we approach you? That's something I've often done, not necessarily in a romantic context, but I wanna know if it annoys you if a woman were to ask you out.

    Reply
    • Xrynx

      I wouldn't be annoyed to to be asked out id be happy to know someone was interested in me to ask me out and i would be pleased to know they have confidence to do so.

    • anon1903

      @Xrynx you can count on us.

    • Xrynx

      i feel happy hearing you say that anon1903🤗

    • Show All
  • SenseiSeptred

    My teachings are not based on gender, they are based on the Code of Bushido, and the attainment of the state of nirvana, period. Live by the Code, die by the Code, remain as essence of the Code.

    Like 1 Person
    Reply
  • SJ1984

    This:
    "The problem is that nowadays, any kind of assertive behaviour by a man towards a woman is seen as morally abhorrent.
    Unless a man is extremely good looking, and sometimes even if he is, any man who attempts to approach a woman will be viewed as a creep by default."
    ... is just complete and utter garbage. You're just making up lame excuses when men like you whinge about women being too fussy, or that they see most men who approach them as being creepy, and it's nothing more than a handy excuse to not even try.
    I've never had any issues talking to women. Ever. Would you like to know why? It's because I've always treated them as human beings, I've always shown a genuine interest in what they had to say, and I didn't focus on the thought that I had to use some kind of trick to get them into bed. In other words, I never thought of them as being sex objects to be exploited, but far too many men seem to allow their dicks to do all the thinking for them.

    Disagree 2 People
    Reply
  • zagor

    LOL I guess you're not a math major. When I was in school maybe 1 in 20 of my post-general-ed classmates were female.

    Like 1 Person
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  • This_Is_My_Opinion8

    "When they discuss this among themselves, the overwhelming conclusion they reach is that men are just wimps and don't have confidence anymore."

    And where did you got this?

    Reply
    • Anonymous

      That is what I have legitimately heard from heard from far too many women over the years. My university is over 70% female. It is alarming how often I hear this kind of talk.

  • EarthRealm

    I don’t care What Females Think of me. And I sure as Hell ain’t gonna apologize for something.

    Like 1 Person
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  • Vegasrunner

    mzAsh Ironic again how important it is for you to just make something up so you can "feel" better. No one of the commentors mentioned anything about being seeking a relationship or being "single" but it was important for you to mention that to deflect from the fact that your strategy is to infect younger women w/ your bitterness and @mytakeowner shame on you for open up dialogue and then crying when people share an opinion which is literally what thos forum was designed to do.

    Reply
    • Anonymous

      Did you even read what I said? Leaving an opinion and having a civil disagreement and simply leaving it at that is one thing. A toxic argument that inundates my inbox and that lasts for days is another.

    • @mytakeowner That is a subjective words that you are using to adbidcate responsibility, while attempting to silence a civil debate. Please provide one example of any comment made by me in this conversation that includes foul language, or is harmful.

    • Anonymous

      To your credit, you didn't say anything particularly harmful. Albeit, I did find some of your claims somewhat arrogant, but so did I with everyone else in the chain. If you think the same of me, fair enough. I'm not going to drag out a depressing argument that inundates your inbox. My problem is that arguing with each other is not going to change your minds, so why do it? Just say "I disagree because..." and end it.

    • Show All
  • joeldalton

    If a guy didn't act like a puss and manned up, he'd probably be swimming in pussy since it's so rare.

    Reply
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