This My Take is written specifically in regards to people who connect online. This has nothing to do a people that you know in real life or had previous relationship with. I want to make that very clear because it's already assumed that when a person goes to an online dating website that they are looking to meet people.
The 9nly thing I disagree with in the video, is she says months of texting. I say week or more of texting and she won't make concrete plans. Like seriously you came on line to meet people... don't waste waste your or other people's time.
I have found three types of people online
1. The ones that want to just hook up
2. The ones that want a real commitment.
3. The ones that are not sure what they want, and are just seeing what's out there.
Again, in regards to this my take it's about those that seriously are looking for more than a hook up. If you read this post and default to thinking all this person wants is to hook up, then you got it wrong and your mindset is part of problem.
What's worse than someone who is just looking to hook up, are ones that are wasting people's time because they are not sure, not really looking, and just testing the waters a wasting your time while they are working through their process more then caring about anyone or anything else.
The ones that are looking to hook up, and those looking for commitment are being honest and genius of there desire to meet people and move forward. Those that are not looking to do those two things, are not truly respecting your time and effort.
Why does she get so nervous about the possibility of meeting for the first time? She will text for hours, call and talk but will not agree to meet you in person.
This is a real problem for a man. Let's be honest gentlemen, you can pull all that sensitive, loving, understanding man BS, but you know this gets you so frustrated. I am the type of guy who wants to meet my person in real life after week or more of chatting and talking, a cup of coffee date is honestly not that much to ask for.
She is nervous.
First dates can be anxiety provoking. We get it. But it's also an essential part of the dating process. So why is she so neverous?
Because she's been disappointed, let down, or hurt in the past? So she wants to take it slow and be cautious.
As a man, I can totally understand why she feels this way. I feel the same way... because I have been let down, felt lead on, hurt, and strung along in text... then weeks go by you meet and you feel completely deflated. Because you spent weeks talking, all building up to finally meeting, and there's no energy... you look her in eyes for the first and it's not there.
Texting for long periods time without meeting creates a whole other type of anxiety. Because over time you start to put more pressure on the initial date, exception grow. It goes from something that could of need a casual meet and greet, to this high level committed relationship situation after weeks of talking and chatting. Bottom line tentension builds wh3n you don't want the samebthings, and then the pressure and anxiety build as you talk more about meeting, and your not meeting, or making real plans to meet.
You have more time to stress about whether they are really going to like you. You become comfortable with texting and calling, and start to build a friendship over the phone that meeting my jeopardize. You feel valuable about meeting, and as days and weeks slide by, the pressure to meet builds.
PEOPLE LOSS INTERST. Don't fool yourself, the other person wasn't being disrespectful of you or your feelings. You just aren't ready to be dating yet, or you would be going on dates.
She want to get to know you first so she can feel comfortable meeting you.
Well again I totally understand how important this is. It's the most critical part of relationship building process, getting to know someone, building trust.
As a man, I feel the same way. I want to get to know you better, I want to feel comfortable with you. But after texting and calling and talking, which adds up to hours of time invested and she's still nervous about meeting... well I am feeling less and less comfortable about her.
Here the deal guy!
When you run into this issue, bottom Line she's just not ready to be dating or she's not interested enough in you. She has her pets, here job, her children, her hobbies, her friends. She has all these things, all this joy and happiness in her life. You represent a threat to that happiness. So wants you to commit weeks or months to seriously investing in getting to know her through text, so she feels safe emotionally in taking the next step of meeting in person. I stress emotionally, not physically safe. Because trust me if she thinks your physical threat, then she would not be calling or texting. It's a cup of coffee, people not sex.
Men and women like confident men an women.
If you go online and your not confident in meeting people within the first two weeks, then...
A. Your not confident in the online process and you don't belong on dating sites.
B. Your not seriously looking to, or ready to be dating.
Don't waste his or her time.
Meeting someone for the first time is important. Like it's most essential part of dating the process. If you want a person to text and call for weeks at time just to get to a place that your really willing to meet them... well it says more about you and where you are at and less about them. Its very simple, you're not looking to be dating. You ,a6be interested in possibility of dating someone eventually at some piont, but your not ready to be right now.
Yes it matters, its very important to make the time to meet the person.
Meeting makes it real.
Once you meet someone in person, it becomes real. This is no longer some person you text, or you met online. Once you sit down with them for cup of coffee, look them in the eyes and talk to them, they become a real person that you actually meet and know. It elevates the potential for a relationship.
We are all people of value
I get it. She's a woman of value. That's why I am texting and talking to her. I am interested in what she has to offer, what she can brings to the table. But she doesn't feel comfortable meeting in person. What's that say about my value as a person? Is a cup of coffee really that big of an ask?
When a man feels comfortable about asking you out and your answer is anything other than yes, then your really saying you don't place the proper value on this man. Yes, he thinks he's is a person of value as well. Like he honestly think he's worth the time to meet you in person. He's text you for two weeks, he's called you and he's talked with you several times. What value are you placing on him?
Is it rejection or conditioning?
I get that she is putting herself forward. She setting her boundaries. But where and when does this lead to compromise? It really doesn't until you actually meet a person in real life. It stagnates the process. You are rejecting his wishes and desires over your own fears and anxiety. This is not how a good and healthy relationship starts, when you reduce his wants to progress the relationship because you lack confidence in him or the process. It screams of insecurities and a lack of making yourself emotional and physically present in the process.
But the longer you string the process out, the more you feel safe and in control. So you are already conditioning him to accept your terms, your boundaries, your desires over his. Men who place value on themselves, who are self respecting, secure and confident in themselves are not going to invest so much of themselves and their time into someone who basically doesn't want to meet them... until they are come to their own terms about it at their own time and pace.
Ask your self if this something you ready need to be doing right now?
Honest truth people, you have all the time that you require off dating sites to work on yourself, to prepare yourself. That process does not start once you go online and start talking to a man, then want to drag him through your process with you. You came on line, you matched with him. You made those choices, and if you're not ready yet, then go off line and work on yourself. Ask yourself if this something you ready need to be doing right now, before try8ng to make someone else a part of your personal journey if your not ready to make those cchoices and take those steps.
It's a cup of coffee nothing more then a desire to get to know you better
Seriously, he just wants to get to know you better before investing a ton more time into something that you are already dismissive of. If he asks you out and you want to take more time in form of weeks of chatting, texts and phone calls.... you are essentially dismissing and rejecting him. The fact that you are saying your not comfortable yet, but lets keep talking ia a huge RED FLAG!
Even iif you want to keep talking to him... you literally just rejected him and devalued him. It's not that he can't handle rejection... but this guy just invested a lot time into texting and talking... and you are devaluing his time and efforts.