Girls, I'm tall, handsome, honest and I don't go around chasing skirts. Still girls don't seem attracted. Am I doing this wrong?

[Anonymous]

So here's what I'm dealing with. I'm a good looking guy who works out, has an impressive if not we'll paying job and I've done extensive mental and emotional work on myself. When I'm around hot girls I don't hyper focus or eye fuck them, I engage them definitely sometimes the most of all the guys there sometimes minimally as I feel like it. Basically I just treat them like people. A lot of the times they continue talking with me and sometimes I even make them laugh. For some reason though I never seem to notice that spark of attraction, like they're eyeing me. I know what that looks like, it's happened before. Point is I think I've messed up. I may seem to genuinely interested in speaking to these women... like should I make it seem like I have an hidden motive so they notice? I thought you were supposed to act like you don't care... but not the stupid way where you ignore them, the real way where you are just talking to a person. Well I do that... in fact I kind of turn off my attractions and just make a mental note that I'm interested in her and should look for any signs of reciprocation. If I see any I turn em back on. Thing is, I feel like I'm too good at it. Like I have to try to look like I'm trying not to try... if that make sense. Otherwise perhaps they're just intimidated or... I don't know what even. I don't actively chase girls. I'm bad at that, I can't think quickly and tailor my words to a woman, if I just let the convo flow wherever then I'm able too but I've never been able to talk a woman into bed. Well long story short I'm 22, good looking and I haven't had sex in a year. Do I need more aggressive skirt chasing tactics. That's counter intuitive though. I see no women asking for that... ever but what they are asking for is getting me no results. Maybe I'm the guy they want to be more aggressive? Not sure though because during another dry spell I went aggressive and got a girl super attracted. But she thought I was a player and didn't trust me.

Updates

+1 y

Ah, never mind. I know what I'm doing wrong... this, all of this. I'm really concerned about walking the line and not pissing off women. Curiously years of ladies being pissed off at myself an other men has actually affected me and I'm trying so hard to walk this narrow line. Even if I am good looking and I can hold a conversation it's not going to matter all that much because I'm still trying very hard to stay within the lines. It's kind of obvious, i'm succeeding at it, being totally neutral.

[LittleSally]

Maybe you're handsome to yourself and to your friends, but girls don't see that?

Maybe girls always presume you're taken?

Maybe you give off the 'I'm not interested in you' vibe, 'but I like talking with you'... Also, it's entirely possible that after they start talking to you they decide you're not interesting/amusing/appealing to them enough and they are disinterested in being anything more than acquaintances...

If you really do look as great as you say, your personality and demeanor are the things that you should question > the factors that do not appeal to women you meet.

[Asker]

Possibly but after years of trying to be "cool" I stopped and I actually like myself now. I'm a good guy and I'm staying as I am. I don't know, it's just odd. People say just work on yourself and treat girls nicely and it'll happen but it doesn't. Even though I have female friends and even some dudes who have made a point of commenting on how attractive I am. I think this is a thing that just requires more information aka me trying more. I'll just approach more girls and get a better guage. Guess maybe I'll just look like a dick... can't really be helped.

[LittleSally]

'guage'?

I'd say you have to show interest (flirt) if you want something to happen.

[Asker]

Guage = measure

Alright well, help me out. What's it look like when a guy flirts with you the wrong way. When he's too aggressive. Can you gimmi a scenario. If I can go in and just avoid that I'll be fine being more aggressive

[LittleSally]

If he's getting too close to me - and putting his face too close to mine, if he's touching me, if even after I say 'no' he follows me or keeps trying to change my mind.
I'd say prolonged eye contact while talking, flirty innuendos, good sense of humor and when she laughs and seems to have warmed up to her then maybe try touching her shoulder or some other non sexual part of her. =)
I'd say you'll be safe with that.

[Asker]

Oh wow. That's the line? That's pretty obvious. That's basically "don't try to have sex with here right there on the spot" For some reason I thought subtler things were enough to piss a girl off. Guess they were back when I was fat lol, keep forgetting, for all intents and purposes everything I learned about women when I was younger doesn't apply because I was so much less attractive.

[LittleSally]

Well, I can tell you right now I've found numberous chubby guys pretty hot > Jack Black... one of the hottest people out there. =)

I don't know. Maybe it's different where you live. Maybe girls are bitchier, maybe they have shallower standards?
In Europe this is usually the way to go.

[Asker]

NYC, definitely way more guarded and shallow

[LittleSally]

I can believe that...

[Nadidarleen]

girls are intimidated by attractive guys and most of the time they feel like if you're that hot you probably have a gf or wouldn't find them attractive because they dont feel good enough. you're not necessarily doing anything wrong. just continue being charming and oh one more thing, be assertive; if you find a girl attractive (without a bf) go up to her and talk to her and ask for her number. if you're waiting for her to show you she's interested in you before you make a move, you'll be waiting for a while lol good luck

[Asker]

Hmm, years of hearing girls complain about being hit on kind of made me not wanna be that guy. If she's shown no interest, how do i make sure I don't piss her off? I don't actually really know why but that's really important to me, above all I don't wanna be that guy that's all confident... hits on her and then she gets mad. I've heard a girl say that she has no reason to nee to be nice to any guy that hits on her without knowing any thing but how she looks. I've also heard that if you go up to a girl because you think she's pretty, if that's all you know, then you're objectifying her. How do you balance this with blind confident approaching?

[Nadidarleen]

if she shows no interest then just walk away. it what it is. and i know you dont wanna be that guy that is super confident but are you the confident type or the shy type? which everone you are, you just need to find some type of balance. also, when you first hit on a girl, you have to be plain friendly and funny as if you have no intention of hitting on her so she doesn't feel like you're objectifying her or that you're just trying to have sex with her. another thing, flirt but not too much as though you're trying too hard. my point is, just be plain friendly to feel her vibe and if she's flirting with you back then thats you signal to show her you're into her as well

[Asker]

Alright now that's wrong, because I've definitely been told before that hiding your attraction is creepy and weird. Supposedly it makes you come across as hiding something and that can be sensed.

I don't get the middle ground, when do you switch from the first shy attraction to the all out style of flirting, I can't tell when I'm supposed to to it and I think I stay in the basic first stage you described long enough for the girl to think they misjudged and I'm just friendly or something.

[stuffhappens85]

Sounds to me like you're thinking too much about this. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow of things, have fun, be yourself and if someone interesting catches your eye then go talk to her.

I am often told that I am a beautiful, intimidating woman because I have a good job and I am very intelligent but I also make people laugh and am very friendly. I get hit on all the time and it does get old. But, when a guy approaches me with sincerity then I am not put off by him and I will actually consider him.

It also depends on what you are looking for. It kind of sounds like you might just want a fling but at the same time want a relationship? You should probably decide on one or the other. If I have learned anything in the past few years, it's that good looking people have no problems finding someone to hook up with but have problems finding someone to be in a relationship with.

[Asker]

I've always wanted relationships, I decided maybe I should go for flings but I think I approach it the same way, trying to get to know her and such. My flirting game is just... a bit neutral. As I said, I think I may be a bit to obsessed with "doing it right" being raised by a lot of women, I heard all the stories about terrible men and I don't want to be like that. Thing is, I think I may be too good at dodging all the pitfalls and women can't tell what I am... an accaintence, gay, not interested, too nice, oblivious. I think somehow I always stop just shy of actually flirting subconsciously. Again, my early years socialized me to not be an aggressive flirt because noone wants a fat guy flirting with them. I gotta break out of that.

[Ananchor]

Is it possible you're going for the wrong women, if you're going for the lots of showy clothes, lots of makeup/ hair, etc wanna be model hot girls, then they probably want someone to take care of them, so you can put all the effort in you want but it's not gonna get you very far. I don't really know what type you're going for but it could be that most girls don't want to meet a guy at a bar either or don't take those meetings seriously

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're not trying
Complaining that girls don't come to you? Lol
No offence but you won't find a quality girl that way... Only eventually a desperate one
To be blunt, if you're so confident with yourself why don't you man up and make the first move without overthinking it so much? Just put yourself out there more

[Asker]

Yea well I think i'I've found a way to talk to people and keep a conversation going without showing interest. So the jokes the conversation... it's just neutral. Or maybe I can't read any signs but the obvious ones and I'm just oblivious. The thing I'm trying to get across here is that it's not a problem of me not talking to them or not being able to hold a conversation. I'm also not in school anymore... maybe it just takes more. Most of these girls know nothing about me. Clearly my assesment of these things is wrong. I'm sounding like I think I'm perfect but these ladies just don't get it. That's not how I see it, but what I don't see is my mistake. I never feel like the ladies don't want to talk to me but like... they just don't ever seem to want to keep talking to me. Maybe I just don't ask for enough numbers but I never see anything that makes me think I should ask or anything to let me know that I should maybe touch them. I don't know I'm selectively blind probably. Maybe the ego clouds i

[Opinion Owner]

Look, personally if a guy doesn't make it obvious that he's interested, I assume he's not interested and is just being friendly
It's only confident guys who make a move who I seem to have anything happen with
If you're comfortable talking to them try to be more flirty and playful.
And obviously make sure you're talking about them and not just yourself

[Asker]

Well have you ever flipped out because a guy came on too strong?

[Opinion Owner]

I'm not sure what you mean by that
But every boyfriend I've had has been very confident and forward

[Asker]

Has a guy ever been too confident and forward for you, short of grabbing you or flat out insulting you. I thought there was a level of interest a guy could show even before that stuff that would really turn a woman away from him

[Asker]

That's what i've been afraid of doing. Like coming up and saying "hey you're really gorgeous and I can't seem to stop myself from glancing your way, so I thought I should just come over and introduce myself" I mean that sounds good on paper but I feel like it would be super cheesy in real life and a real woman would think I was just a player saying nice shit to get into her pants and then get really guarded. I don't want to put her on defence like that, I wanna ease into it so she doesn't feel threatened.

[BroadwayBabyGirl]

I believe that maybe you just haven't found someone that just, clicks. Girls are really confusing. I say continue being a gentleman. if the girls who talk to you don't appreciate it then one is bound to come by who does

[Asker]

Well that's been my plan but... it's been A YEAR lol. Am I not right to start having doubts at this point? I mean I am still a guy and going all in with a strategy like this really makes you start to expect a lot from whoever does bite after a while. I don't wanna start feeling like I'm owed something.

[SilenRose]

Congrats on self analyzing yourself. Hope it works out for you. If you need help ask one of the friends to be the wing man when you go out.

[pr3ttybr0wn]

You prob don't flirt. If u don't do that you'll miss out

[Asker]

I usually wait for a girl to show a tiny bit if interest so I'm not that guy who hits on girls and pisses em off. Do I just have to risk pissing women off or having them think I'm objectify in them. I know a bunch of guys who basically say it's a necessary evil, that if no girls have ever called you a creep or gotten pissed at your flirting then you're not doing it enough? Any truth to that, it just seems kinda hard to follow all the rules lol. Keep in mind I'm a nerd and was a loser b4. I'm better looking now but I don't wanna totally flip and become a douch "because I can"

[labellaprincesa]

If you're hot, you don't have to wait for a girl to show a tiny bit of interest. She will be interested once you start flirting with her. Be more courageous... girls are waiting for that (especially the nice and shy girls ;))
I would never start flirting with a guy unless he starts. With shy girls, if they are speaking with you and you make them laugh, that's already a good sign!

[abundantlyrich]

You don't have sex appeal. You sound aggressive passive.

[Asker]

I both don't know what that means and also think that might be right... somehow. Can you explain?

[abundantlyrich]

You don't know how to initiate eye fook. I reckon you sound awkward in real life.

[Asker]

Doubt it, I've been in several situations where I'm the life of the party. I just don't know how to move from interesting conversation too... making her consider banging me lol. Don't know how to transition. When I try that's where I either get too awkward or too aggressive.

[abundantlyrich]

Do you talk too much? If you really just want a root, say as little as possible and always look straight into her eyes.

[abundantlyrich]

Anyway the saying less bit and eye fuck business. That's from the dating coach James Marshall.

[Asker]

Well maybe i do talk too much, are you telling me that an absence of conversation will get me into bed with a girl? This is stating to reach the point where the dating advice becomes too strange to actually initiate properly. You're telling me to stare at a girls boobs and barely speak to get her to sleep with me lol. This seems soooo creepy, I'm gonna be this guy that stares from across the room, comes over, initiates conversation then just has one word answers while I make strong eye contact and eye fook her lol. Sounds like I have autism, there's no way I can do that properly lol

[abundantlyrich]

I did not say to stare st their boobs. All i said is look into their eyes.

Forget it.. You can't even understanding without steering off course. That's your answer there. Too sarcastic. Too annoying
you are just weird.

[Asker]

Meh, weird is such a nebulous concept anyway. Your advice didn't translate into something I could picture in real life. Clearly I don't understand. I though girls loved a sarcastic sense of humor though. This is why this will never yield any real results. Too many types of women saying too many things and in the end if you try to do everything... you're gonna fail. There are men who do everything right without trying. Have perfect posture, the best witty things to say and just exude that certain something. I doubt they learned all that online at girls ask guys. I can never tell if I'm trying too hard or not hard enough. Anyway, already know the value of a sarcastic personality so that stays. I will not be giving one word answers because I'm far too interesting for that and although I'm quite storming I am not the silent type unless the girl is horribly uninteresting. Also maybe that angry response you gave is a good thing, don't girls like the guy that needs to be taken down a peg?

[Asker]

Lol so many personalities and advice patturns exist, I've read em all. Maybe I switch too often and am bipolar. Maybe I don't match them with the right girls, it all points to the same thing. Chase more, try less hard. I'll know I've crossed the line when I get a drink in my face. I'm done trying to find the perfect man's handbook. It's exhausting... and my mobile data is through the roof lol.

[abundantlyrich]

You don't understand because you are too arrogant.