Most men don't find charisma in the opposite sex as appealing as women do, why is that?

The other day this guy said something that rang so true: It's more appealing for a woman (than a man) to be short, just like it's more appealing for a man (than a woman) to be fat... But it's also more appealing for a man to be charismatic than a woman to be charismatic: meaning charismatic men get more dates than charismatic women. Why is this?
I've found this to be true in real life also... but why don't men really appreciate charisma as much (or at all) as women do?

P. S.
Charisma isn't the same as charm... don't confuse the two.

Updates:
http://www.dictionary.com/
-for those who need help
So many responses! Thank you for participating!

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Charisma translates into power and women WANT a powerful man while most men are threatened by a powerful woman.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm not sure that's true. i just think men aren't as good in telling apart physical attraction from emotional attraction.
    You often hear people say that men only care about looks, which is obviously not true. But part of the reason that stereotype persists I think is because men themselves are for the most part bad at quantifying what it is that they want (other than looks). If you ask them it's mostly something generic like being "fun" or being "pleasant" . Well another word for that is charisma

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 46

  • Being as picky as women was not a good male sexual strategy for most of evolution.

    To a large extent men took whatever sex they could get. Given options they'd prioritize physical health (looks) and fertility quite heavily (age and right body fat level). In terms of getting attached and contributing resources they prioritized the same factors plus sexual fidelity (so you don't raise another man's kids) and sweetness (good mother).

    Women benefitted more from being choosy on other factors while being less picky on age/fertility.

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    • It's not just a 'women care about personality and men don't' thing.

      Men value sweetness more than women do.

  • I think it's because men look for different things than women when it comes to mates.

    Charisma is a common trait for leadership.

    For women looking at a charismatic man is like looking at a leader of men. The top dog. The king. Good blood. So at a basic level, they are attracted to traits that can promote someone into leadership or generally leaders. It make these men attractive as mates as they provide both security and great genes.

    For men, it's different. Men looking at a charismatic man is like looking at a mercenary general (while they are potential recruits). Men aren't going to give their lives to a leader who can't get them wealth and glory. That means some men will try to test this potential leader by becoming confrontational or just generally testy. Others might just being sanguine about the whole thing and perform a sit and wait position because they are just independent. Some get jealous (esp 'leader' types) because the charismatic guy is a potential rival.

    That's why when you see a charismatic guy jumping out into the crowd trying to recruit people then you will see men tend to fall into 3 groups: The potential recruits would try to test this new leader, the rivals who would respond extremely aggressive and the guys who sits at his corner and doesn't say anything.

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  • what is your fascination on prying at men constantly? Just imagine this the other way around. There is a guy on this site, and he is constantly doing the equivalent to what you do. You are the female version of those guys. I already know your stance on this, as you were on another question saying that guys only care about looks for the most part. I dont think the problem here is men.

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    • I'd love it if your creepy ass stopped stalking me on here. Thanks.

    • WOW and you blocked me LOL. Im not stalking you, Its just that you are everywhere with your illogical post and everytime I see my live feed it is ANOTHER post with your sexist mytakes and I also see some crazy answers from you. That doesn't make me a creep to point out the fact that you are everywhere making sexist claims all day long. No need to block me this time, I will do you the favor and block you from my actual account so you can't talk here anymore

  • Women are drawn to it because they're drawn more to personality than guys are. A charismatic person has influence, confidence, and status; all things women like in guys. Guys don't really care too much about that stuff. We're more drawn to a women's looks and their feminine personality, which is largely incompatible with charisma.

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    • Uh, no. Most women don't care much about personality. They care about high status, which men who are charismatic usually possess.

    • @melissa_t did you not fucking read what I wrote? "A charismatic person has influence, confidence, and status; all things women like in guys."

      Get off my thread until you get some god damn reading comprehension.

  • Fat is fat and is disgusting despite gender, im more forgiving towards a slightly fat female because. 1. They store more fat 2 its harder to get rid of, 3 they give birth, 4 i like tits, 5 they aren't supposed to be able to defend their home. Men who aren't fit to fight are trash, no excuses, what are you if you can't protect what you love?
    The short thing i won't give a rebuttal.
    Charisma though, to me is intangible, something you can't pin point that draws you in. Its a combination of charm, aggression, guile, confidence and maneuverability mixed with unique unknown elements. Its god damn magic. Its irresistible in a male or female. Never really met a female with overwhelming charisma though i dont think.

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    • If you dont like it say something punk

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    • Fat women are repulsive as fuak, dont get any ideas ladies

    • @DudeBr0 right, 15% percent is okay though wouldn't you say?

  • Its good trait to have of course but its not something appealing, something that guys look for. Being intelligent, confident, assertive etc are qualities guys like, charming too. But why would we care how other people are drawn to her, many girls are popular. Status means nothing to us.

    Look at 'Queen Bees, many guys find them attractive. That's because they are confident and assertive (and attractive), but guys could care less if she is charismatic or not. Take confidence for example both genders find that attractive, it resonates with both genders. Contrasting it with charisma... whatever reason charisma resonates with girls, in reverse it does not have the same effect on guys.

    Lets call charisma magnetism or magnetic quality for simplicity. Justin Trudeau is charismatic, women are drawn to that appeal, how he connects with people, how people are not guarded around him and more warm. In reverse for men it has no effect on us positive or negative. It is good quality to have, it is valueble quality if you have to work with people, romantically its neautral. So she can draw people in, be more warm etc, it means nothing romantically.

    However being charming that is very appealing quality, you must've noticed how some girls can just have that effect, how they can hold guys attention, when she leaves she leaves an impression. But being charismatic, having magnetic personality means nothing. That just means she is friendly doesn't translate into being romantically attractive.

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    • Can you give me some examples of few women you think are charismatic.

  • I think we all looked it up at your dictionary site and read "a spiritual power or personal quality that gives an individual influence or authority over large numbers of people," which translates to us as "power," but women don't find Hitler hot... or do you?

    I think you're talking about the combination of influence and charm. Justin Trudeau looks a little like Hitler, now that you mention it.

    www.documentingreality.com/.../...itler-hitler.jpg

    instinctmagazine.com/.../justin%20trudeau.jpg

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    • So... I think we might need some charismatic women to really judge this one, right? And I KNOW I am going to need help naming some, because I don't watch much TV.

      But I can tell you that in my personal life, I have met some women who might fall short of physical perfection, but more than make up for it with their intelligence, humor and ability to make men open up and feel comfortable. And yes, I am hot for them.

      It is sad to consider how I have either never heard of most of these women, and the ones I am familiar with I don't necessarily find them charismatic. But they are hot.

      beautyguide.com.my/.../ten-powerful-women-under-30-who-inspire-us

    • Say whatever about Justin Trudeau but the guy does have charisma. I'm not even Canadian or have left wing views like him.

    • I would like to see a myTake of hot, charismatic famous women.

      I am trying to think of some. This is the closest I can get. Falls more than a bit short of "hot," but definitely has charisma.

      legalinsurrection.com/.../...t-is-the-new-sexy.jpg

  • Charisma fits right in with the other characteristics that make men attractive to women, which are all related directly or indirectly to being well equipped to be a good provider.

    Men, on the other hand, generally have no interest in a woman who would make a good provider. They are more interested in a good mother and wife.

    These are not things we are necessarily conscious of. They're innate male and female behavior.

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  • I would argue you mixed up your two first examples. I would say it's more appealing to women that men be tall and it's more appealing to men that women be thin. (or at least not fat) Flip it around and there's more leeway.

    As far as charisma goes, I would say women are more interested in being affected by charisma than being charismatic themselves.

    If they want to dabble in having a similar effect on men, they tend to focus more on being alluring or seductive.

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    • I said exactly that... man... Haha You read it wrong.

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    • Yes - it's more appealing for the women to be short than for the men - meaning short women appeal more men than short men (appeal more women)...

    • You worded that very poorly then. Again, I would argue height matters to women but not really men. It's mostly a one-sided thing. Although with weight, you could argue that neither side actively wants fatter people but women are a bit more tolerant of it.

      Also, not that this has anything to do with what I said, but charisma and charm are synonyms.

  • Whether we admit it or not, guys are territorial. Some so much so, that we sacrifice some of the things we find attractive in a mate, so we can be assured that less competitors will be interested in our mate.

    Charisma is one of those things. We understand that charisma is "supposed" to be an attractive trait, so we subconsciously convince ourselves that we don't personally find it attractive, in order to find a mate that is less desirable to our male peers.

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  • Because charisma is a trait of someone who is a leader and men like women who are more submissive because it's percieved as more feminine. Men are more often leaders and are better equipped naturally to lead. So basically it appears masculine to him and he doesn't like that.

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  • a charismatic man asks out a women he likes.

    a charismatic women doesn't ask a guy out on a date. she will show her ego and wait for him.

    I have seen this in real life. the girl who asked me out had a shy personality and out of nowhere she pulled out the question.

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    • *Shy doesn't disqualify person of having charisma... And nope... charisma has nothing to do with asking a person out or not...

    • I am not saying that shy qualifies as charisma.

      you said charismatic men go out on dates and charismatic women don't go out much on dates. the real is simply because they don't take action and expect the guy ask her out because of her charisma

    • No, I said they don't 'get' as many dates, meaning statistically if they both asked out people charismatic men would get more dates than the charismatic women. Why is it so difficult to read?

  • Part of it may be that the ones your thinking of maybe bossy instead may have less passion behind it and more instruction or patronization.

    Some women are charismatic and it does work ie hunger games , the divergent films, xena, daenerys targaryen and various female speakers giving talks.
    But a lot of other women have this instructional patronising element to there delivery for some reason maybe your just being more measured in your delivery which makes it come across this way?
    But there are definitly women who can be charismatic and it does work.

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  • They dont want somone who is more of a leader than they are :/

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    • Also they may come across as being more promiscuous

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    • I can tell you now that there is only one whore allowed in the relationship, and that whore is going to be me. No way will I choose a partner who has been around more than me because once men are like this, they are spoiled and are no longer capable of committing to a woman. Women are different though. They can have a slutty history, but are still fully capable of commitment.

    • @WBOTB
      Good to know 🙂

  • It makes sense from a dating point of view. Men ste usually the one who do the approaching when it comes to first dating. Being more charismatic will help attract the woman and help his chances by making himself seem more relatable and safer to be around. This isn't needed by women if it is the men who ate the ones to approach. It can actually be a turn off in some ways in women since the more charismatic they are the more friendly they seem to other people such as other guys. Not the guy associates her charisma to her being more likely to cheat.

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  • It has less function in male relationships so we don't value it.

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  • A woman's charisma just makes other guys hit on her more, which makes her that much more likely to end up cheating on, or at least leaving you for someone else.

    Works the same way for men, and then women wonder why all the super-hot, confident alpha males they date are always screwing around behind their back and dumping them and moving on to the next girl.

    A charismatic girl is just a female version of that guy.

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  • We absolutely DO appreciate charisma in women! I think what you're both observing is that relative to hotness, yeah--girls value charisma in guys more than guys do in girls.

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  • Maybe it's because we like modest, sweet girls and often girls with charisma do not meet that criterium.
    I say often, certainly not always!

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  • Because charisma shows sign of a healthy mind , a healthy mind means a good long term mate, for example a crazy guy would be volatile, and potentially a domestic abuser, or emotionally fragile... (think of an anxious guy and why he is so anxious)

    Fatness also shows good access to resources, a sign of a good man, who can look after himself and has an abundance to also look after his female,

    Women look for one long term mate, men look to pass on there genes and can have several, women choose security subconsciously, although when women have enough security they will go for 'bad boys'

    In Russia you will find women don't go for looks confidence or even charm, but a man who is a provider and will be a stable long term mate, this is because society is unstable there, In the UK/US/AUS you will find women don't seek security so much as they already have it.

    Hope this helps!

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  • Because charisma goes against being submissive, which is what most men want.

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  • Since men usually have to make the first move, a charismatic man has a much better chance than one who is cold or awkward. But since charisma doesn't show up from across the room, a charismatic girl who isn't attractive may never get a change to impress.

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  • Because men interpret charismatic women as being flirts and easy. They figure since she's so friendly and flirtatous she will be like that towards other men when her main guy isn't around.

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  • Because I just want you for your body

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  • No Charisma?
    No thanks!

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  • Well, I'm normally interested in girls who have charisma too.

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  • I'm not sure I'd say "as appealing", just women place greater importance on it I think.

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  • Atractive for me.
    Its nice to see her leading in life, talking around different stuff and move people.
    Also, it stimulates me to try to become a better person.
    For me it's a quality.

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  • I feel Charisma is percieved in current society as a more a masculine trait, and when men see women who are charismatic (or more charismatic than they are) , they are subconsciously intimidated/threatened and see the woman as more of a challenge than a someone they are attracted to. Charisma ties in with leadership (think "alphamale" - ability to influence and get what they want) and traditionally most leaders have been male, although this is starting to change.

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  • Evolution. The female needs to look healthy. She is guaranteed sex. A male is not guaranteed sex. He needs to impress the female in all kinds of ways. This is why the male looks for a good body, and the female looks for ten million qualities in a male. Women are not funny usually, they just need to recognize that a man is being funny. Being funny implies intelligence, and that is something women tend to want from a partner. And so on.

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  • More from Guys
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What Girls Said 13

  • Maybe men are intimidated by charismatic women.

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    • You wish, honey.

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    • @caveman_86 i wonder of being intimidated ultimately equates to be turned off. One and the same.

    • No, i doubt that is the case. I see women jumping to this conclusion far too easily.

  • I think for woman - attraction is based on many cultural variables and psychological variables that are patterned into her through her previous interactions with human beings and significant people in her life such as parents or employers or friends

    Men on the other hand - respond more based on their instinctive biological traits, and their ideological beliefs and their visual concerns about the world - so they are less likely to judge women based on how they conduct themselves in public - they focus on whether she fits the visual, ideological or biological agenda he has.

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  • May I disagree on this one?
    ... as member of many social clubs and in particular a dinner-dance (ballroom/C&W) one that resists this postulation

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    • Yes, of course... it would be nice you elaborated, though...

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    • That sounds more like charm than charisma to me... But fair enough.

    • Charisma is the ability to attract, charm, and influence the people around you. Charisma is often said to be a mysterious ineffable quality—you either have it or don't have it—but it's actually easy to break down many of the key factors that make someone charismatic.
      Charisma Psychology Today ?

  • compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others... I think it's in the definition. Can inspire devotion! Women are far more devoted than men typically, and the devoted men aren't usually devoted to charismatic women, rather they devote themselves to women who are difficult. I've never seen a more devoted boyfriend than mine and I have been extremely difficult with him. I'm unfair, irrational, and sometimes mean, not always of course, but I tell him he's too needy, I need space, will ignore his calls and never apologize, but flip out if he doesn't respond to me immediately. Accuse him of cheating with any girls he makes friends with and make him stop, but I have a ton of guy friends and I say the difference is I don't want to sleep with my friends and he does! He denies it but as long as I feel that way he has to respect my feelings, however if he says anything about my guy friends I claim that he's calling me a slut, and doesn't trust me. Honestly I do cheat on him sometimes, but he's totally devoted to me. My relationship is the exception though, women are good to men, and they get used and abused.

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  • I don't think this can be seen as a rule. I'm sure men appreciate charisma as well.

    Who wants to live alongside a dull woman?

    I think your guy friend is too small of a sample for you to conclude this. It's simply his opinion.

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  • Charism is for men and charm for women.

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    • What? I'm positive you got those terms confused... with something else.

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    • Shut you feminist mouth up.

    • @Mysterioustruth Who do you talk to?

  • Hmmm, I don't have enough male/female friends looking for love to really give a good answer on this.

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    • Wow, a lot of guys don't care-that's interesting : o

  • Possibly because 'charismatic" women are sort of annoying? Seems most likely.

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  • Probably because charismatic women seem more intimidating and difficult to approach?

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  • I'm pretty charming myself
    does anyone like dragons?
    does anyone like dragons?
    How about cats?
    does anyone like dragons?

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  • I am charismatic (or so I am told) and I get plenty of dates. Men love it.

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  • I'm not charismatic myself, so maybe that's why I'm still single, I don't know 🤷🏻‍♀️😆

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  • Most men are not as romantic as most women are.

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