No word after 4th date / 4th base.

[Anonymous]

I met a man online - he e-mailed me first. We chatted on the phone several times before meeting and had the best conversations (chatting for over an hour each time) and really connected before even meeting. We had 3 very nice dates and were feeling the chemistry both physically and mentally (we're both in the same field and can relate to each other even if we aren't in the same profession). He seemed rather serious - by the 3rd date, asking if I would consider moving (he lives 70 mins away), if I wanted more kids etc. He did not seem to mind that I'm a single mother since he has dated another single mom before. Well on the 3rd date, we got to 3rd base and I told him I wasn't ready for 4th. By the 4th date, I felt very comfortable with him and we went to 4th base. The next morning Thursday, I told him I had to leave early for a play date for my son and he had to leave early for work (he had wanted me to stay so he could come back during his break). I texted him later saying I had a fun date and I felt bad that he was so tired (he's been working crazy hours). He texted back saying he would be okay and thanked me for driving all the way up to his place. The next morning, Friday, I texted him saying I hoped he would get some good R and R on his vacation (with his siblings and parents). I have not heard from him since and it's now Monday (4 days since he texted me). Should I be concerned? I have not contacted him since my friday text. I have not clicked like this with anyone in 2 years since my separation/divorce so it's a little discouraging after meeting so many men I don't click with.

Updates

+1 y

Thanks for all ur advice. I contacted him via e-mail and he called. We chatted for 2 hours. We're planning a date in The City - we both have to drive there. He had a rough family vacation leaving him wondering if marriage works and is v. busy at work

Updates

+1 y

We had a great date yesterday. We met halfway for dinner, walked around a park and had a good talk. I asked him about his intentions and that I did not want to be a booty call. He didn't call while on vacation because he was basically scared...

Updates

+1 y

So we had a really amazing 6th date. We met in the City, saw a show, had dinner with his friends, stayed in a hotel, had brunch with his friends the next day, walked around and talked... plans are to meet again within the week depending on work.

Updates

+1 y

So, I decided to move on from this guy. We had some fun dates but he was just too self-centered. We got to 7 dates and I ended it. Thanks to all for your advice. I learned a lot from this and I'm not in rush to find anyone.. good luck to you all!

[Anonymous]

Your dating experience with this guy went way too fast. Unfortunately as we get older (I am in my 40's) it is hard to find guys we click with, so when we do, we can make the tragic mistake of letting things move too quick. To have him going as far as he did on the 3rd date was a mistake. I can only imagine things were getting a bit hot and heavy on the 2nd date as well though he may not have covered as much territory.

So, live and learn. 1st, don't let a guy into your physical space quickly. 1st date, no kiss, just a hug. 2nd date, kissing is okay. Anything beyond kissing needs to wait a while.

2nd, his 3rd date questions that gave you the impression he was serious, those are panty dropping lines. No regular guy who is seriously interested is going to be ready on a 3rd date to talk about kids and you moving. The only guys who would ask that are players who know that women will mistake that for seriousness and have sex with them.

3rd, you don't drive out to have sex at his place. A guy who is serious will drive to see you and I am not a fan of trying to make things work with such a long drive because, well you end up feeling guilty and before you know it you are driving out to him and delivering your body at his doorstep. Sure, once you are in a serious relationship, you both should be making arrangements to see each other, but before then, no, you do not drive to see him.

4th, why are you initiating these texts? Maybe that was not the normal flow, but Thursday you did and then I can only assume you did not hear from him and decided to touch base Friday morning. And now this. A guy who is in to you, even on a trip, would find time to return your text. In fact, he would have been initiating the text to you. Texting is too easy. Unless he was vacationing in Timbuktu or one of the handful of exotic locales that have no cell reception, your romeo is sending you a clear message. The message is "Thanks for the sex, I'll let you know when I am ready for more later."

Hey, I hope I am wrong, but really, I have been down the path you are on and I know the difference between what a guy who is in to you does and what a guy who is lukewarm does. This guy is just along for the ride. I would expect so much more. Oh, and note for the future, don't have sex until AFTER you are in a relationship. I have found that works so much better and I don't want to be with any guy who would be scared off by me telling him that's my deal.

[Asker]

Thanks for the advice. The reason I drove out to his place is because I live with my parents and he has his own place. I see what you are saying and totally shooting myself for moving too quickly. Guess, it was too long.. 2 years since I've had any and my hormones got the better of me.. kind of resigning myself to single motherhood for a long time now... takes too much out of me playing this dating game.

[candlewax]

Agreed. I think the general rule of thumb is if the guy's behavior changes after sex, chances are, he was after sex and doesn't give a flying eff about you, really.

[palek]

This is really excellent advice, and well-stated.

[Opinion Owner]

Q.A, another good reason NOT to drive to his place. I personally have a strong sex drive and pretty much cannot be trusted alone with a guy I am attracted to, so until I am in a relationship with a guy, I avoid any date that will put me in the danger zone, lol. I will not meet him at his place nor have him come over to mine. For you, even better, a guy from out of town can come and see you and take you out. He will have to get a hotel if he wants some. That will slow it all down.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh, and don't be surprised that he may very well call you. I have found guys that want sex have no problem calling again, and again, but leaving you high and dry in between. I would have some fun with him if he did call again. I would let him come out and see me for a date and I would not have sex. You owe him nothing and, further, he has behaved poorly, so it would be funny to see him squirm thinking he had a guarantee of sex when he doesn't. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

No offense but you slept with a man you met off the internet, who you hardly know, and you're surprised that you haven't heard from him?

3/4 dates is actually a very short amount of time. Yeah, you've gone out on dates and probably like him, but you DONT know him. For most guys 3/4 dates isn't serious at all. If you sleep with guys that quickly then you won't be able to weed out guys who are putting on an act, faking the funk, just looking for sex, or what his thoughts on sex are or how he really feels about women. What I mean by that last part is that there are a lot of guys who won't turn down sex, but won't take a woman seriously if she has sex with him too soon (and then it depends on his definition of "too soon"). The moral of the story is, you kind of played yourself on this one.

I saw the update and I'm glad he called you, but still learn from this one. I know you said that you hate game playing, but sex is not a game. If you're horny and you want a nut then cool, have sex with the guy but if you want to be sure about a relationship then don't sleep with him before you get what you want otherwise you end up vulnerable to whatever HE decides to do.

[toulouse]

If a guy can't respect a womanHE chooses to sleep with then he is not someone who is good for respectful relationships period. She should not worry that his opinion of her will be THAT dif because she does something he did too. I am not saying to sleep with someone quick, but if he looses respect for something he does , then what is point of being with the guy? That type will always scapegoat.

& Sex does not give one person the power everything on their terms-takes 2 to decide even that.

[mikesaracino]

^Best answer.

[Opinion Owner]

toulouse, I understand your point of view, but if she wants to protect herself, not get her feelings hurt and possibly heart broken, then she should worry about his opinion of her. frankly girls get emotionally invested when it comes to sex and guys don't. so she does need to keep the goodies on lock until she knows what kind of guy he is. yes sex does make women vulnerable, if the guy decides he got what he wanted, she can't do anything about it but be sad.

thank you mikesaracino

[bobblehead]

Just wait.. Not too long obviously. I would probably freak out if it was me but I'm silly about this stuff. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Someone said about "putting out" In all truths I really dnt think it matters how long you wait. If they are going to use you, theywill. You just go with what feels right. I say leave it for a full week. If he doesn't text back.Send him one asking him how he is bla bla bla and if you don get a response. No more.

[Tamikaze]

The reason you wait longer is that guys who just want something casual get tired and show their true colors after a bit. Not many have the stamina to date and date without getting to sex. Most would be able to wait 4 dates especially if the first couple of dates had a lot of heavy making out involved.

[Asker]

Thanks, great advice. I really hate all the game playing. I just feel at this stage, I'd hope men in their 40s are past all of the silly games. Sure some men want to be bachelors but I think a lot of men in their 40s and 50s want to start a family and don't necessarily want to have a gal who is 20-30 years younger. Which doesn't leave them much time to play around...

[bobblehead]

I dated a guy for 2 months. And he still used me. Trust me. If they wana use you. They will. YOu just need the smarts to see through their crap.

[Longshot]

He may be relationship phobic. Gets very close then runs away. Then comes back and then runs away again. Not sure if he's that type but if he hasn't been married before at age 42 perhaps he has a fear of getting too close.

I would text him and give it one more shot.

[Asker]

Thanks for the advice. I find it interesting that many of the answers from the men were more easy going than the women! Just shows how different we are. Anyway, I ended up contacting him after much thought and discussion with friends. We are both very busy people and he's under a lot of stress at work, so we are probably going to meet up in 2 weeks in The City for a fun night out. Neither of us live there, and I think it works for both of us to slow things down a bit.

[chadwickc2]

how old is this guy?

[Asker]

He's almost 42, I'm 36..

[chadwickc2]

Hmmm. Well it would be one thing if he was just a kid and looking for sex. However he should be a little more mature at this point. Has he been married before? When is the last time he had a serious relationship.

[Asker]

He has never been married. he's the oldest and both siblings have 2 kids each. His last relationship ended last November I believe but we never really delved into that. What do you think? He seemed so sincere...

[chadwickc2]

Hmm....I got a feeling he's kind of like me. He wants a real relationship but he has been programmed into thinking short term with women from years of hook ups/flings. Part of him got scared.

My advice is approach him as a friend still and try to build up something real with him. Wait for him to call you. If he doesn't contact you in 2 weeks then send him a friendly text.

I'm 28, so I'm not sure if there is generational difference. But I kind of know why he is acting this way.

[Phantom_operator]

I would let it roll. I am always a person that believes if someone REALLY REALLY cares about another, they will do anything and everything to make sure the person knows they are ok and at least contact them. It's the least anyone involved in a relationship can do.

[Asker]

Thank - that's what my mother said. If it's meant to be, it'll be. If he does call again, I'm going back to base 1 or 2... this last couple of days has just reminded me of the emotional toll my last relationship caused me and has me running scared.

[Boneless-skeletal]

Phantom, I hear what you say, but I think it there's is nothing wrong with not hearing from someone for even a week. Not all people are the same in this regard. In the asker's situation I think one must wait and let time decide.

[r_slizzle]

I agree with the others.. Leave it be, and he'll get at you if he wants to.

And keep your guard up in the future.. Asking if you'd move after only the third date seems like a red flag to me. Not necessarily a sign that he was looking for a one night stand (if that's what it was), but a red flag nonetheless..

[NotSoBad]

Let it go. He will contact you if he is serious. Give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe something happened. If he calls ask him what happened and give him the chance to explain. I mean I think if you two really did "click" its worth a little time.

[star709]

Not a good sign, but I'm not an expert in that department

It seems to me he was saying the right words, got what he wanted with if you wanted kids, definitely if you wanted to move.

But he might be busy, like Phantom said if he cared he will have text you

but I could see where you coming from going through it like you did never felt that why like you said since your last relationship

[apk89]

wowowo I know what your going thoure ... I like someone and he's reallly cute and smart and the thing is I know he cares about me and loves me but I'm thinking that he doesn't know how to move it to the next level with one night he was saying how he doesn't wanna lose me and that he's scared to lose me then about like 20 min he said the love word .

[2010atitagain]

Glad to hear that you two can communicate. Yeah, sometimes I don't call friends when I'm visiting family because I'm in a bad mood, haha. sometimes. And it sounds like he just wanted space to think about things.

Good Luck!

[DegenDen]

It sounds like he either lost interest or just got freaked out. Looking at the updates it sounds like its going better but I think overall he isn't feeling you that much...

[dtaylor31906]

try contacting him maybe he is waiting for you just like your waiting for him

[Asker]

So as a guy, you don't think men mind being chased by a woman? It just seems like all the advice out there encourages women to let the man chase because if you're too easy, they get bored and move on. In this case, I sent him a text last (the day he was leaving for vacation), so I feel like he should reply - no? I know he was going to be v. busy when he got back.. (he's the kind of guy who easily works 12 hours a day)..

[bobblehead]

Screw that crap about a guy chasing you. Its not the 1950s anymore. Grow some balls AND CHASE!

[dtaylor31906]

Well imma put it like this all men aren't chasers some men are to shy to chase some men are just to stpid to realize that they are missing out on something good and they don't chase the right women

so you can sit around and hope he chases you sooner or later or you can realize that if you want something you have to go get it

[bobblehead]

Couldnt agree more!! not all men are chasers. Too right.

[kak36]

I think this man does care about you but if he really is the only one you've clicked with maybe you should still see other people for a while and see if you connect with anyone else just so you don't get hurt

[Asker]

Well, I wish I had the time for it. Anyway, part of building a relationship means you have the chance of getting hurt. He could hurt me 3 months from now, 6 months from now etc... I see what you are saying, but I can't really focus on more than one person at once unless we are at the very beginning of dating. Things are thankfully going very well now and we had a really awesome 6th date.. thanks for the advice!

[catsmeownishi]

In my experience, even 1 month is too soon to have sex with someone. They do and say all the right things in the beginning, you sleep with them, and then... that's it... Moving forward I think I will try to wait 2 months.

[Anonymous]

it's sad that people are using online methods to meet casual hookups...i feel bad that you can't screen out people's motivations these days

[xBlossomx]

Troll.

[Asker]

Yes, agreed. I'm really sketched out with the whole online thing now. My sister met a total con-artist... he said he was a CEO... (of a one person company)... turns out he was bankrupt and married 4 times before (he told her once)! My friend married someone who seemed real good until they got married, then he started in on the alcohol and vicodins... Just remember to do a thorough background check on anyone you meet randomly as there are sharks out there.

[rickyvee]

there is no click here. let him go. if he was really interested, he'd be showing more interest.

[jenn33]

have you heard yet?

[Asker]

Nah. I think the other ladies might be right. However, I have ended up in 2 long term relationships in the past from sex the first night... not something I normally do, but maybe they sensed I was using them as much as they were using me...

[jenn33]

Hey I'm so glad to hear he called back :)

[Anonymous]

Get to 5th base yet?

[Asker]

Nah, I decided to move on from this guy... sometimes he was attentive, but other times he was way too self-centered. I know it would end up me being a nag, and him resenting me. I am looking for a PARTNER, not someone who needs me to put him up on a pedestal...

[Opinion Owner]

Feel kinda silly about worrying about him earlier then huh?

[Ryderx]

Wtf is 5th? I though there were only three

[Opinion Owner]

If you have to ask then you probably can't afford it....ya that insane