My boyfriend's ex girlfriend "warned me" that he is an emotional abuser and selfish. Should I listen to her?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and his ex were together for four years, and they broke up in early 2015. They planned on getting married. I've been with him for 3 months.

According to my boyfriend she dumped him over text and slept with another guy two days after the split. She was also, according to my boyfriend, a demanding "princess" and she claimed he never loved her towards the end. I don't know this girl, but we share mutual friends on FB.

Anyway, I posted a pic up of me and my boyfriend saying how he makes me happy and that my mental health has improved, and she messaged me out of the blue to "warn me" about him. Apparently their relationship was very toxic: he fed her anxiety and caused her to have panic attacks. Everything had to be "his way" and he would get annoyed at little things she did.

Also, the "reason" she messaged me is because she didn't want anyone else who is battling a mental illness, to get as worse as she did. She's now married with a kid.

I haven't replied to her message, but it made me feel sick. It's true my boyfriend used to self harm, and his own mental health was really bad in the past, but he's now so much happier with life. He doesn't take medication as he's no longer depressed.

Obviously, there are two sides to every story. I feel awful saying it, but there might be some truth in what she put. My boyfriend likes his routine and he gets annoyed at small things, but it doesn't escalate. I don;t know if this is her way of revenge against him or if she's genuinely concerned. Should I listen to her?

[worldscolide]

Here is the rub. It is ultimately your choice. but i will tell you a story that you should take a food for thought. My ex, she was horribly violent to me, to the point where i needed stitches on my face and needed a restraining order. When i started seeing my wife, she did everything in her power to break us up, she told my wife that i was an abuser, and a pedophile, She called my wife's parents, She called my work, she tried to get me arrested, Eventually i got a restraining order on her. Its why if you try to search my social media, you will never find me.

Basically take a scorned ex with a grain of salt, she's only hurting and trying to get him back by proxy, by taking you away from him.

I could be wrong and ultimately its your choice. I hope i have helped.

[Kkaos]

Nope, you're better off seeing things for yourself. Now if you were contacted individually by all of his exes and they all said the same thing, then maybe you might want to listen. But you should never jeopardize your relationship because of one of his exes.

How does he make you feel, that's what matters. Just ignore her for now, she may be right, but there is also a very good chance she's just trying to make his life difficult after a bad breakup. So who's voice matters to you more, your boyfriend's... Or his ex's?

[Asker]

Thanks for the feedback. I agree that our relationship is the now, and theirs was in the past. I'm just confused why she messaged me. She has nothing to gain by destroying the relationship. She's married, happy and settled and she broke up with my boyfriend years ago. ... it just all so seems odd?

[Kkaos]

She may have moved on and be happy, however if she messaged you after you posted a picture with your boyfriend.. Perhaps that may have brought back bad memories for her and suddenly she felt jealous that you were happy with someone that she never managed to work out with and assuming perhaps she is a little manipulative and unstable, that may have even been enough to try and ruin your relationship. It's just a guess, but that's all we can do at this stage. Try not to worry about it, unless your boyfriend starts giving you big reasons to believe it's true.

[Hidden_P]

It's your choice.

Honestly, I can see her side. My ex was/is an abusive piece of crap. After he had finished pissing around with me, he mentally abused his next girlfriend who now speaks to me. He is with someone new who looks like me (but smacked in the teeth with a shovel). I thought about it, especially after the girlfriend before messaged me during her relationship with him showing signs she was being controlled, but I decided it was none of my business and leave her to it.

Every relationship is different but I think here the difference is I hate my ex, she clearly doesn't.

I would say keep an eye. You are seeing warning signs, so maybe just message her, honestly, that you don't know what to say and see how she replies.

[Livinglogical]

Just put it out of ur mind for now but ifit looks like he is going down a similar route again n he starts making u feel bad, don't give him too many second chances as he obviously makes a habit of it.

[lightingman]

I'd suggest that you tread carefully. If you have a chance to speak to other ex's find out more about their experiences. In the meantime set a line where anger turns to abuse for you. Talk to someone (friend) about your concerns and where your line is so they can be there to help pull you out if it does start to happen.

[404filenotfound]

If he was abusive, I'm sure that you'd have seen some red flags by now.

It's a relationship between you and him, whether she likes that or not, she's not a part of it and it's not about her anymore. Why let her opinion ruin it for you if you're happy?

To me, she sounds like a jealous attention whore.

[Anonymous]

If they were going to get married, I would definitely be inclined to at least consider this woman's advice. Maybe he's changed (honestly, I believe people rarely do), but maybe you just haven't reached a point where he feels confident enough that he could get away with being that way with you. I would just keep my eyes open for signs, but maybe talk with him about his relationship with his ex and encourage him to be honest with you.

[Anonymous]

You were perfectly happy with him. Why let some ex ruin your relationship when you were happy.
Bad people are very spiteful and like to hurt their ex as much as they can. My ex tried to mess me over too after I left her. Just block his ex and be happy with what you have.

[goaded]

I would take it on board, but I'd not bring up the subject and just be a bit wary. If you get a point where you want to say "I'm not your servant/slave", leave, because it's happening to you (and you won't change him).

[Walrus_au]

I share your split opinion on this one. The source must be considered, but just because she's an ex doesn't make her wrong.

I'd be inclined to keep my eyes open and set up firm boundaries for yourself in your relationship.

[Barrabus_the_Free]

It's just an ex trying to fuck with his life. Ignore anything and everything she says or writes.

[Anonymous]

all you need is to do something against him like
she said he likes things in his own ways.
if he gets like she said leave him.
better not live with him if you can't take what his mind is capable of.

[Robsinsf53]

Keep in your memory. If he ever starts, you know what to do.

[JohnDoe3000]

At this point it's hearsay. She's not exactly neutral.

[Browneye57]

Oh, she sounds 'nice'. Sure.

No, ignore the bitch. Decide for yourself. Every relationship has a different dynamic.

[laila23]

i don't think anyone jokes about mental health. listen to her

[Wolframium]

No. People change. If she's telling the truth, it is how it was long ago.

[Patriot357]

Don't listen to her. She just doesn't want to see him happy with any other woman.

Trust your boyfriend no matter what she says

[hur1k3n]

She's his EX girlfriend so I think she hates him : don't care about this stupid rager.

[AlexCeo10kaday]

no. you should know that you can't trust woman

[Anonymous]

Ignore her