How do I warn my friend about his relationship without being a douchebag?

Question

I am worried about my friend and his relationship. I know his girlfriend personally, she is not a genuinely bad person and she is extremely intelligent and funny. However, she is promiscuous and untrustworthy. She had many exes, situationships, one-night-stands and she basically sleeps with any at least average-looking guy who hits on her. I know she microcheats on her boyfriends because she flirted with me when she was with her ex, she told me she is no longer attracted to him, she invited me to have drinks with her, just the two of us, told me I had 'sex appeal' and that I was ideal. Now, my desperate friend, who was rejected by all the girls he liked, lost his virginity to this girl, he is absolutely in love with her and wants to marry her. I am worried that he might suffer when she will start to flirt with other guys and stop being interested in him.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I was in a situation where my friend was engaged, and he was caught literally in the newspaper, having told her he was going on a business trip, but actually went to a baseball game with his apparent other girlfriend, where the two of them were photographed in the crowd. You would think with the final in your face evidence that I'd been sort of quietly warning her about, she would say, oh, thank you for warning me, he is a jerk, and I will break up with him. Nope, she breaks off the wedding a day before, then decided to secretly marry him, has two kids, he absolutely ruins her, she's miserable, unfortunately he deleted himself, leaving her and the kids alone and bankrupt.

I share this all to say, it's in the friendship code to watch out for your friends and try to help them avoid life mistakes, but they are also adults who are capable of listening or ignoring you because end of the day it's their life and their decisions. All you can do is tell them what you know, and then it is up to them what they do with that. For your sake, remember, you are NOT responsible for their actions or how their life turns out as a result, and trust me, when or if it all comes crashing down, even then, even when you want to scream I flippin' told you so you dumb idiot, you just gotta be there as a friend and let them vent.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I’d warn him, but I wouldn’t outright tell him not to pursue this woman simply because he needs to make his own decisions. If he believes you, you’ll have saved him from the drama. If he doesn’t believe you, he’ll be humbled when he gets his heart broken. If you don’t tell him and he gets his heart broken, he’ll be mad at you for not warning him.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You just have to be honest. Could it mean potentially losing your friend? Sure. But I’d rather lose a friend than see him go through a lot of bs. Even if he doesn’t listen, if she truly is of that nature it’ll all play out. Sure he’s going to be hurt, but you can’t change him. He will just have to learn from it. Hopefully he doesn’t go down that road, but that’s his choice. If things play out that way, chances are he will come back to you as a friend, admit you were right. Just be honest. Tell him you got a minute. Explain to him you’re just looking out for him as your friend. That maybe you don’t have many friends in life so you look at him as a brother, someone you want the best for. That you’d understand if he doesn’t want to talk to you after this then go from there.

Mr_twoface · Accepted Answer

Interesting dilemma. You will probably hear both scenarios. Be open and honest and don't. I would, out of experience, suggest the second answers as to keep it to yourself. You should be mature enough to get laid, have relationship etc. And along that comes as well dealing from rejections and growing stronger from it. As a friend, you will come across as a douchebag no matter what, given his track record of not striking with anyone. Most men don't have the same open and transparent relations with other male friends like women have to each other. Therefore when they do break up, and he gets crushed, be their as a friend. Support him, encourage him and help him get over her.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

His head is filled with dreams and fantasies and anyone who tries to take that away from him will become the enemy. Your "good intentions" will mean nothing to him. Do any of her exes know your friend?

Paris13 · Answer

In this Case, With Her Face----She Sealed Her own Fate. Yes, You Need to tell Him what is Up with Her. She may deny It, But If He is Your True Friend, He Will----End. IT With Her. xxoo

JacobJordan · Answer

Don't bother. Sounds harsh but I speak from experience. I had a good friend who has had many girlfriends and everytime he asked me what I thought of her. I was always very honest. I didn't see them going very far. Reason being he didn't display the markers of someone who genuinely liked the girl. Well needless to say he kept ignoring my advice while constantly asking how I always knew they wouldn't last. Well he now has a girlfriend he has been with for 7 years and he doesn't really like her but has given up so he just stays with her and she is of course super thrilled to have him because she is too scared to be in public.

LazerBean · Answer

You can't. And TBH it would be a waste of time to even try. You can tell him what she has done and said to you, but it probably won't make any difference. Deep down he knows what she is and made that choice anyway, and nothing you do or say is going to change that

blueonblack22 · Answer

I hate to say it but it’s not your business unless maybe you witnessed something major happen. Don’t say a word to him unless he asks for your advice.

It sounds like your friend is going to have to learn a hard lesson. But that’s on him not you. I get its painful to see that to your buddy but he’s a young adult. He has to learn for himself.

bobalife · Answer

It’s uncomfortable, but I think you’re doing the right thing to warn your friend as a good friend. Maybe do a gentle approach. But how he reacts to it and what he decide to do is out of your control. We can’t be mad at someone for not taking our advices, but what we can do is be there for them when they need, their process, and when they recognized what are the best next steps for themselves that only they can decide on for their life/experiences.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

You can't say anything outright, but you could lightly hint at something. Really you need to wait until you're actually asked for your opinion, because as long as he loves her, you making her a problem will make you the problem.

And if your friend feels like he has to choose between the person having sex with him and the person who isn't; that's a battle you're going to lose every time.

DextroShade · Answer

Just get him by himself and just tell him "As your friend, I just want to make sure that you know this girl's history before you get too serious with her." and then tell him everything. He probably won't listen but at the very least your conscience will be clear.

WhitneySnow · Answer

If you are certain that she hit on you and she told you directly that she’s no longer attracted to your friend, then you need to tell him

Zestyassmf1997 · Answer

You gotta tell him the truth, and fast. Him being mad at you is a small price to pay for saving his life.

FunkyMonkee · Answer

If you were in his shoes, what would you want him to do?

SotiCoto · Answer

Let him suffer the consequences of his own choices.

whistlingwh0res · Answer

Have you thought that he treat a girl badly indeed? He ended up with bad girls because you don’t pay a respect to a woman who are worthy. He is just a freeloader who end up with users.

Anonymous · Answer

Ew why did you have drinks with her? You're a bad friend.

serious_miss419 · Answer

She invited you to go have drinks? Did u go?

Anonymous · Answer

Dude, where were you up till now?

How do I warn my friend about his relationship without being a douchebag?

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