Why do my tinder chats keep hitting a wall?

I've been on and off tinder for a few years now. It seems like I always get frustrated and quit at some point. One major reason for this frustration is that my conversations seem to always hit a brick wall at some point. We'll have what I am considering a good and fun conversation and out of nowhere they stop replying.

I decided to give tinder another try not long ago. I matched with a few people, and started a conversation with two guys that seemed the most approachable. I didn't pick and choose out of a thousand matches, by the way. I only had maybe four so far and decided I'd stop swiping and try to get to know these new matches.

I had a conversation going with both of these guys for a few weeks. Then, a couple of days ago, both of them didn't reply anymore. On an app like tinder it's not alarming if it takes a few days for them to answer but both of these guys had previously answered within 24 hours. Now I haven't heard from either in four days.

Obviously you can't know what has actually happened because you aren't mind readers. The guys only know why they decided to not answer anymore. However, this has happened to me more times than I can count.

Do you have any idea what could be causing this trend? Is this a sign of me simply being a bad conversationalist? Should I ask them what's going on or is that too pushy?
Updates:
When I ask tinder related questions, I always forget that the purpose of the app seems to be quite different in different regions. I probably should have asked this from Finns exclusively on a different platform. I appreciate your replies anyway.
I get the point of taking too much time before meeting them. I just want to make something clear, though.

By "a few weeks" I meant more than a week but less than two weeks. We were never online at the same time. I would send him a message in the morning and he would reply late in the evening when I was already asleep. And the cycle would continue like that. Because of that, we didn't get very far in the conversation.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • So if I am reading this correctly... these guys you are interested in are chatting you up on Tinder but not moving fast enough for you? If so... message him this... but way before it becomes a 3 week conversation: Okay, gotta go... busy day! You should text me sometime so we don't become those weird Tinder people who never actually talk on the phone. (smiley face emoji.) The next message from him should be... Oh, I don't have your number or Cool what is your number? If that doesn't happen then move on.. unless you want a pen pal.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm still trying to figure out the "goal" of tinder, in my somewhere-in-europe region.. Seems that here people are there for different reasons (they say) but I've been in your situation a million times, if this "cheers" you up in any way :)

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    • Most Finns seem to be looking for more than just a hook up. At least that's what it looks like to me. It's quite easy to weed out the people who are only looking for sex.

      It's interesting to see how it's clearly just a hook up app in most places. That doesn't really fit the Finnish dating culture, although I'm sure there are people who do that, too.

      I am a bit confused as to what they're looking for exactly, though. Maybe they're all like me and have no idea. We're not a very friendly or approachable nation in general, so I guess talking online takes the pressure off meeting new people. Approaching strangers irl is a major no-no.

    • To an extent it cheers me up that I'm not the only one this happens to. ๐Ÿ˜Š

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Use Plenty of fish, I have been using it and guys want to meet like the same day lol. Thatโ€™s too fast for me. Maybe I should switch to tinder because 3 weeks is okay for me lol good luck!

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  • I suspect they found someone else.

    One thing I noticed about what you said is that you said that you were chatting to them for a few weeks? To me that seems like a very long time, was there any discussion about meeting up at all?
    I'm not saying you need to meet up and have sex, not saying that at all, but what I am saying is that, getting to know someone new via text chat is fine initially but in my opinion, it's far better to get to know them in person, probably after about a week maximum.
    The reason I like to meet up in person rather than endless text chatting is because you get a much better understanding of the other person irl where as doing so via text, it is just too easy for our imagination to get overexcited and start creating this person in our mind, then one day when you do actually meet up, you realise in horror that they're nothing like the wonderful image you created in your mind and feel disappointed.

    So yes, I think, either the conversation ran dry (not necessarily your fault, maybe they ran out of things to say) or they got bored of just chatting.

    Yes they should have been upfront about it and either just say they're bored now and move on or actually suggest meeting up, but maybe they were too shy or something, or maybe, like the vast majority of tinder users (not all!) they have no manners and can't be bothered and they just treat you like another number.

    Either way, I wouldn't necessarily give up, but before you continue, maybe set yourself a sort of vague objective rather than just seeing how things go. For example: match > chat > if all is going well > arrange to meet (safely of course!)
    And then from there, take things at the speed at which YOU are happy to progress at.

    Good luck and don't let them get you down ๐Ÿ˜‰

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    • No, there was no discussion of meeting up with either of them. I feel like we didn't get to that point in the conversation yet. I checked and we had been talking for less than two weeks, though. I agree that it would be beneficial to meet them quite soon after starting the conversation but it takes me time to feel comfortable enough to suggest that. If they had asked I would have said yes, but neither of them did.

      I think meeting up after a few messages doesn't really fit the Finnish dating culture. We take our time to get comfortable with people first because we don't hate anything more than meeting new people face to face.

    • If you didn't feel ready to suggest meeting up then that's totally understandable, I've also matched with some and come to that conclusion, but I try to be upfront and say that I don't think things are working out, which for a shy person like me is a bug deal to say that but I also strongly believe that ghosting is not a nice thing to do to someone as they might always wonder "why" I disappeared (and vice versa)

      I don't know about Finnish dating culture so I can't really comment, so maybe my comments above are also wrong.
      Either way, don't take their silence personally, just take it as, "it wasn't meant to be", I'm sure you'll find someone soon ๐Ÿ˜Š

  • First of all I wanna know, what are you looking to get out of tinder?

    Donโ€™t worry that happens to me too, what happens is they simply match with someone that they find more attractive than you. It happens, I donโ€™t let that get the best of me and I move on

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  • As a guy that's played with tinder and other such apps, I'll tell you my own personal reasons for behaving like them.

    A lot of the 'matches' never reply at all, but when they do it's usually very... um... lets just mundane. I'm a quick study so it doesn't take long to find out the majority are there just for attention AKA a waste of time. It didn't take long for the atmosphere of app hook ups to literally train me, to simply accept this one and that one has no intention of meeting face to face, which means they serve no chance of me getting to bump uglies with them.

    Also the sheer amount of 'basic bitches' out there bore me to death. You know basic as in they do the same shit most chicks do, but for some reason they think they're special. Like she's the only one that has a gym membership and got starbucks or something. Anyways, these basic chick always want to talk about the same shit... what do I do?: as in she wants to figure out how much I make. ... and you know, the same run of the mill questions and it gets boring fast.

    There are some interesting people I've met, but most of them turn out to be all over the place (as in with their vaginas) and can't even be considered for much more than a booty call. Don't get me started about their opposite, which start pushing for marriage and absolute commitment just for the privilege of their time.

    I just went on a rant... to sum up what I think, it's easy to just assume she's not really interested and move on.

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  • I used it once. I'm a 38 year old man. It was perhaps 6 years ago I used it when it 1st came out & I was single. I found the same experience in a way. But my thinking is that was that this would be a long distance relationship & just didn't seem worth carrying on as I wanted nor just sex. I did want sex. I'd be a liar to say otherwise. But I wanted more someone I connected with on a mental level. I'm very cerebral & if you don't want apture my imagination & are one of those rare people that you feel total trust with. I'd never felt that b4 in my precious relationship. But I have since. & though I can't be with this person for various reasons. I need to have comfortable silences aswell as all night talks till we both fall asleep on facetime. When you have a connection like that. Sex is just a different sport to pulling a random on a weekend. I only want the real thing now. But I've found it once in 31 years & it ended last August. Nothing that doesn't give me a feeling that strong will do. & its frustrating because I've never cheated on anyone. But I 9th my long term gfs cheated. So I don't believe that if there is no quantum connection between our brains and I think you are the love of my life would it seem worth carrying on.

    Or they were hoping for some action on camera and the other buggered 9nce they realised you weren't a slut.

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  • You seek gold, where others seek coals.
    Of course, the odds of finding gold always exist, but the chances are very low.
    I dont know what people look for in Tinder in your area, but in my country and every other country I heard of.. Its rather meaningless sex. (So i will make my own induction).

    Besides that, why dont you guys exchange phone numbers and start messaging on whatsapp for example?
    Why letting thesedff "delays" to devour the only basic chemistry you've managed to establish?
    Want it or not, society - nowadays - dictates us the worst of all behaviors.
    It teaches us the "instant life", and by that I mean that people are just impatient. If you dont talk with this guy, he knows that "there are more fish in the sea", and might automatically "get rid" of any feeling towards you.
    You should be wiser.
    Dont think in romantic terms. Get inside the head of men, unless you want to stay single and bitter.
    Learn some manipulations, learn some "moves". You live in a world that (unfortunately) forces you to act like that, and the truth is sad, but must be said dear.

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  • I usually don't have the patience to chat with them that long, so if they never ask to meet I just give up. If, you're chatting with a guy through a dating site that long and they haven't asked to meet up, then I've been told there's something else going on and they're not worth the worry.

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    • Do you think a lot of people want to cheer them up? :D

    • Why don't you bring up meeting instead of waiting for them to do it? Maybe they want to but are afraid of pushing too hard/fast.

  • In my opinion tinder is a waste of time. Most people subconsciously see it as a way to gain confidence in their appearance or as a way to get an easy lay. No real effort goes into creating a bond. If youโ€™re looking for something other than what I previously mentioned enroll in some classes, take up some hobbies, or simply ask your other friends for a possible suitor. Iโ€™ve had more positive experiences when Iโ€™ve had an organic conversation/bond with someone I know in real life.

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  • As an Estonian, I imagine our cultural behaviors would not be that different, so I will take a chance and try to discus it anyways. What my own experience so far tell me, is that it happens with both genders. It also happens with myself and people who I have matched, so it is not so uncommon. Why it happens, it probably have many reasons in different occasions, here are some. 1. People from opposite endings are expecting different things. For example: one end might expect good conversation, while other end expects date, hook up, relationship etc. If the other person who expects something else or more than conversation and sees one point that it will not happen, they might loose interest/motivation to talk. 2) People discover that they have less in common then they thought/hoped. 3) First "high" of matching with someone cool fades and turns into routine. 4) Internet relations generally are quite hard to keep up in longer period only with internet talks. Meeting in real life and doing some mutual hobies might help.

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  • Well I guess it could be they found someone that would explain it or maybe they spoke with you and decided maybe your not for them. It could also be they want sex and you I assume want a relationship so they got that and found someone to suite there needs. Dating apps take donkeys years to make any progress at all. Keep trying and it can get disheartening but it will happen eventually

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    • Have you met a lot of people from tinder? :D

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    • Considering it's your boyfriend it's supposed to be with feelings involved but I understand what you mean in general. Do you want to follow me by the way?

    • Just did lol

  • You need to cast your net a lot wider on tinder. I wasn't looking for a hookup and discovered most guys on there just wanted sex. I was talking to more then 5 guys at a time, as most guys I talked to, I never went out w/.

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  • You are a young woman. Net connections are all the rage. I just do not know why you do not invest more in real life. From my observations, you are smart, good heart, eccentric in an endearing manner and a great personality.

    Why not let this dazzle and be appreciated in real life?

    Rather than the transparent nature of 'tinder'?

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  • If you're talking for a few WEEKS without anything happening, chances are they have other girls who DID make something happen. If those don't lead anywhere they'll probably fire you a message again soon.

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  • Dude, I'm not on tinder but I been on a site for about 2 weeks now. And I am closing that shit. People are bat shit crazy. Really, if you ever thought for a moment you have issues, just go on a site like that and you will quickly find that you ain't got shit on other people... i feel like I've got ptsd at this point. ... and it's these exact creeps who are out there, your boss, the guy at the bar, your neighbor. All shapes, all sizes. Crazy

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    • Are the dudes just creepy horndogs?

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    • Lol... I'd like to think I am normal... wanting to develop a connection with someone, looking for someone to build a life together and help each other achieve our goals. Perhaps that is crazy these days?

    • You are 1 in a million

  • They prob found someone willing to give it up the same day they met. You did nothing wrong. Tindr just isn't the place for you. If you still have your college email, try Friendsy if it still exists. Its more fun

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  • I thought that just happened to me! You get a match and then break the ice with short introductions. Then after about 2 messages, nothing. Total ghosting each and every time. And my messages have been brief and friendly. Just wish people would not swipe 'like' on me if they have no intent to communicate. Why waste my time? smh.

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  • It's easy it doesn't go any further than a convo, so they switch to someone more available.

    Don't worry, if u wanna chat, ask your questions and chat here. people are willing to help and trolls are extremely rare.

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  • It's the same thing that happens to guys, I'd chat with a few girls for a few days, and I usually unmatch them or the conversation just dies, God knows why they do that, I find it strange how every single girl does the same

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  • Hey I think dating apps are counter productive, the other thing you need to figure out is how many emails do you make before you meet. These fellas may be dating three different girls and talking to you, they may have stopped messaging because they are going to get serious with one of them, and you missed your chance.

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  • Yes, I've been there. You're very lucky if they actually say hi back nevermind a complete conversation. Not sure what's the purpose of the app or people even but society is all screwed up. Try to move on to a mobile phone or Facebook asap once you get response on tinder as otherwise. Brick wall.

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  • Don't take it personal, it happens, I would say it wasn't meant to be lol and also to the update, don't think that way, no matter how often you would have talked or how far you would have got with the conversation, if it would be someone who is really interested, he would still text with you

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    • Bullshit. People are just drowning in seeming opportunities and too blindsided to know the difference with possibilities. It's all gray area. No one's up front. Everyone's hiding. Of course people will give up if your mask has percieved them to being rejected forever.
      It's all fucked. Be absolutely honest. No holdback, no stringing eachother on secretely hoping smth better will come along. If you want something than communicate it as such. You won't scare the guy off, clarity is what he actually wants.
      And stop backhanding eachother, it's destroying and dividing us as a species. 'oh that' s not your fault at all he's just a dick' or 'yeah whatever bro, you didn' t do anything she's just a crazy bitch'.
      Look at your faults and improve upon them

    • Chill lol, I didn't said it's a guys fault, but when you show interest and the guy doesn't, then why spend your time chasing someone who doesn't want you. Then better just let it be and go out and search for someone else who might also want you and who might also want to talk or chat with you, cause she clearly wanted to text and showed it

  • My experience of online dating is girls are incapable of conversation. Never any questions back or extremely basic replies to any questions I ask so I give up the chase and stop bothering. On top of this, online dating is extremely different for a woman than it is a man. The women can afford to be extremely picky as they have a plethora of options where as the guys have to chase hard and really sell themselves.

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    • As sexist as your thing sounds, that's my general experience too. I mean, what do you expect if all you ever reply is 'yeah' 'haha no' or 'hm I don't know lol'.
      To relativitize: I have no idea whatsoever about what it's like dating now as a girl. All the masses of shitpeople you plow through, trying to get you to touch their dick or watch them touch their dick. Still, if you really want something to go forward, conversate like this guy above me says. Be or at least act interested. Your pussy is not a gift from the gods, this shit goes both ways. Talk but mostly, ask ffs

    • As sexist as your thing sounds, that's my general experience too. I mean, what do you expect if all you ever reply is 'yeah' 'haha no' or 'hm I don't know lol'.
      To relativitize: I have no idea whatsoever about what it's like dating now as a girl. All the masses of shitpeople you plow through, trying to get you to touch their dick or watch them touch their dick. Still, if you really want something to go forward, conversate like this guy above me says. Be or at least act interested. Your pussy is not a gift from the gods, this shit goes both ways. Talk but mostly, ask ffs

  • Use OkCupid would be my suggestion. It's more for people seeking relationships and the people on it from my experience have been nice. Also try moving the conversation to texting directly or whatsapp. Something that requires their number. It shows that you're closer than others from an online dating point of view.

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    • How about POF

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    • I guess everyone is different I saw plenty woman on blind dates in POF. I also had blind dates on Craigslist. Lol don't ask why

    • I would never touch Craigslist. That's some sketchy stuff.

  • I wouldn't read to much into it, just keep doing you. I get the same thing as a guy but most likely due to the stigma of all men being pigs ๐Ÿ˜”

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    • I can't believe people actually think like that. That's just incredibly narrow-minded.

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    • Mhm most people get conditioned to generalize when it happens to them more than 5 times. I know friends that get soooo many pms on instagram or facebook

    • In example look at your followers and then myn the difference in "thirst"

  • You shouldn't spend too much time talking with someone on Tinder. Most people have tons of other matches who they are talking to which is time consuming, so it's easy to stop putting effort into conversations, especially if they start turning into the same "getting to know you" topics about where you work, what you do for fun, etc. Additionally, most guys aren't looking for anything serious, so if weeks have gone by with no sexual talk, they'll probably think it's not going anywhere, so it's not worth the effort.

    The best strategy is to have a quick, fun conversation, exchange numbers, and then arrange a meetup. That way you can quickly figure out if it's going anywhere and you don't have to waste weeks talking only to have him flake.

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  • I think you took too much time and any initial attraction he had for you died down, because for three weeks you chatted on and off without moving to some other form of chat or without asking each other out, that basically tells the guy you're not that interested, if they don't ask you out then you take the initiative, don't just wait for them.

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  • I read your updates and in the US itโ€™s mainly used for hookups but A LOT of guys Iโ€™ve talked to on there say that theyโ€™re seeing where things go & open to relationships. But honestly when on tinder Iโ€™ve dealt with that issue too. You get better results when you match with a ton of people and at least have small talk with several people. As many as you can basically. More people, more opportunities. I then end up with two guys Iโ€™m into

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  • tinder is a hook up app, plus i noticed that when you match women donโ€™t really reply , makes me feel like they just wanted attention, so guys dont give a fuck anymore and just want to smash if you want to talk and have meaningful conversations goto pof or match. com i dunno

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  • You and me both sister. It seems to be a cardinal sin to try and have a normal conversation to get to know someone on there. I've used it once or twice and then I quickly get reminded why I don't use it anymore.

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  • People on Tinder are super flaky, i dunno why but they just are... I gave up on it. Guess its the type it attracts. Plus so many bots. Some just get on for ego to see how many like them too. Same with all those apps like Hot or Not, etc.

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  • Hey! Well... I haven't exactly done what I'm about to tell you to try ahah, but we'll work on it together! When I match with someone I like on Tinder, I will chat with them for a few (4/5) days... Often those few days are enough to tell if they're interested or not I find. THEN... I guess the only thing to do after that to keep anything going, is to meet up! ๐Ÿ™‚ best of luck!

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  • It happens, Iโ€™m still new with the online dating.. but usually if I chat with someone through tinder for more than 2 weeks.. usually it does end pretty quick.. but for me as a guy I get lucky and arrange a meet up within a week or even a number. I tried to be as real as possible so I tend to notice women hates nice guys. Maybe the guys didnโ€™t wanna be pushy and just gave you space.

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  • What is the end goal of these conversations? Is it possible that these guys are looking for a hookup or date, and they don't feel the interactions going that way? Also, as some earlier responses have suggested, point out how you don't want it to become a weird flat line conversation.

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  • In my country, America, Tinder is known as a hook up app. It mightโ€™ve been they didnโ€™t think you were willing to have sex with them, so they moved on to a girl who would.

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  • Regardless of where you are, tinder is designed to be for hookups.

    If you take too long, then the guy you are txting will find another girl to have sex with.

    If you want a relationship, find a site designed for relationships.

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  • They found someone else that intetested them. Welcome to knowing what it is like being a guy

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    • As if rejection was only a thing guys face.

    • Guys live their entire lives experiencing rejection and we are expected to shut up and take it.

      Girls experience rejection once and stop everything to let the world know.

    • I don't know what part of "this has happened to me more times than I can count" you didn't understand but if you think I'm just another entitled brat whining, so be it.

  • Well look if you keep trying the same thing like use the same method on same guys and it's not working... it just not gonna work lol so try to change your style but keep your standards just use different methods of texting and good luck lol but trust me nothing better than finding someone irl.

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    • What exactly do you mean by different methods of texting?

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    • I guess I should try the "Hey, how are you?" approach since what I'm doing now doesn't seem to be working.

    • Or just ask if they like horses and you'll thank me later. lol
      Good luck!

  • You're obviously boring. Everyone else is far more interested in actually hanging out, you just seem to want someone to talk to and jump through all these ridiculous communication hoops.

    I live in Finland and I've had years of success on Tinder. I can tell you that just no man here has time or interest to placate you through some boring lengthy written conversation when it so easy to just go and get coffee together at Coffee House or some shit.

    Start being the one who makes plans to meet up and you won't have any problem. 99% of men are just looking for a way to ask the girl out.

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    • Hah, finally the Finnish input I was hoping for. I guess I need to grow some cojones and start asking people out.

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    • @pavlove So let me get this straight Mr. 25 year old. You come in here with your ridiculous stereotypes, you don't even read a source that you quote from. You proclaim to be from the best nation in the world, whilst at the same time slandering other cultures. In addition to that, you don't know how to write properly and you aren't even correct with the point that you are trying to make. Yet, despite all of this bullshit behaviour of yours. WE'RE the bad guys?

      You are a fucking embarrassment and a disgrace to the rest of your countrymen. In fact, it's exactly people like you that cause the rest of us to laugh at Americans as a whole. When you waltz onto platforms to sprout bullshit despite thinking yourselves superior to others. I'm supposed to still show respect where you showed none?

      At the end of the day I don't know why you even bothered to write anything, or why you are even bothering to look for anyone "attractive" because as soon as you open your mouth, you're fucked. Give up.

    • @splashofyellow Hey speak for yourself and not for everyone else. That's not fair to say lol.

  • They lost interest or got overwhelmed with other conversations. Either way, the only way to keep text conversations from going stale is to meet up irl.

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  • There are some people who are more interested in chatting in the evening, then they are in the morning. Maybe these guys were one of them, and decided to drop it, because you just weren't interested in chatting, at the same time they were. Or maybe they just lost interest.
    If you really are that curious as to why the aren't answering, then you should ask them about it. You could also take it as a sign to move on.

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  • Tinder is not Really known with a Reputation Here, Dear, Of Having A... Real Relationship. More like Hook-up Site. xx

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  • Uts simple you're young and cute and men use tinder mainly for sex... so when you give the "i want to get know you more and maybe have something meaningful" vibe they lose interest... shit i ignore girls i see often if they want something and i want something else

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  • For me it's the couple weeks statement that raises a flag. I am single also and also on tinder. I'll chat on tinder for a week unless the conversation is great then I'll ask for a number or suggest snapchat sooner.

    In that week i know if I am interested or not and also if they are as well. If your dragging conversations out on tinder, they may see it as your not interested.

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    • If it so difficult to read a message on a lunch break, smoke break, while using the bathroom. He had Time to read it, he could have respond at a reasonable time.

    • So him not responding during the day would be an indication of lack of interest? In his defense, though, I go to bed pretty early. ๐Ÿ˜…

  • You may have been ghosted because these guys have found better matches to date, or they have found someone whom they could hook up with with less effort.

    Personally I would reply to someone within a day. Everyone carries their phones with them all the time. They saw your messages the moment you sent them. They chose to respond after a few days. They weren't that into you in the first place.

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  • a lot of girls on these sites seem to be really bad conversationalists lol they expect the guy to do all the work it seems... healthy guys don't check tinder everyday by the way so it's a good sign if they arne't on every day

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  • Texting sucks ! Texts are not meant for conversations. They are for short messages. They probably got bored or frustrated with the amount of time they were spending pecking on the key board.
    Try talking on the phone.

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  • My guesses are they were talking to someone else and had more interest or you picked a good bunch who don't know how to carry on a conversation.

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  • Tinder isn't meant for long term relationships. It waa evident you are looking for one and the guys you message aren't and are looking for a quick hook up. Do it the old fashioned way and meet someone in person.

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  • From what I can gather you need to try new meet them in real life (probably for the best if you move on from these two) because tinder has a large volume of people if you don't meet them within the initial three days then probably won't work out

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  • I have the same thing with women. They message every few days then nothing. One girl replied saying she doesn't get notifications but she is interested so if she takes a while to responds thats the reason. That was one message FOUR WEEKS AGO!

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