Would you date a domestic violence survivor?

[Sweetascandy1990]

I've been pretty vocal about my story to others and on GAG. It helps me feel empowered in a way because for so long I was silent. I'm also still trauma bonded... I want to go back. I know it sounds crazy, but it's like an addiction. I never loved someone like him.

At the beginning he showed me what I thought was true love. We never took it to another level because we were taking it slow. He said we were going to be something special in the future. We were only friends and then he rejected me horribly. I have another chance to live. I was almost killed. He almost strangled me to death, spit on my face, sent 14 dick pics to my mom and tried to have sex with her, pulled my hair, kidnapped me, called me ugly and fat, compare me to girls and exes, the list goes on of how devilish he was. He even called my school and tried to make up lies to get me kicked out. I go to a top grad school in the US, so he was gonna destroy my dreams... first in my family to graduate high school. He did worse things...

I'm trying to get my life in order and heal, but I'm afraid I have too much baggage and scars. I have other traumas as well. I was given a tough life. I would like to date again in the future, but it's hard for me to trust. I'm a sweet girl in general, but I can come off distant. I tend to attract narcissists and abusers, so that is why I stay from men.

Any experiences in dating a domestic violence/trauma survivors? Is it too much baggage for you?

Thanks :-)

Updates

+1 y

I hope my story can also inspire other survivors to stay strong. I know it is hard to not want to go back, but it is possible!

[Grobmate]

Yes I would definitely. We would instantly have something very substantial in common. Everybody comes with baggage, and most people have been "damaged" in some way.

[Sweetascandy1990]

Thanks for sharing... it gives me hope. Glad I'm not the only person who has baggage

[Grobmate]

You're very welcome.

[lightbulb27]

What was it that set him off... rejection? I have not dated an abuse survivor. If she was emotionally decent yes. Most everyone is messed up one way ir another.

[Sweetascandy1990]

Both of my narcissist I dated in the past lied that they were cool with waiting until marriage. They weren't cool with it and ended up bullying me about it. One pressured me a lot to have sex... I almost gave in to keep him. They said they were Christians and even went to my church. The one in my story even took me to his family. These men were like twins. One mistake after another. They both smoked weed, players and bad boys. They had a criminal record. I think one of them was a rapist. They said I was too soft and weak and shy. I'm not as much... I'm speak up and have boundaries. They said I was not a "bad bitch." I was too skinny for one... he liked plus size women. The one in my GAG question liked Instagram models... so I wasn't good enough. Basically I chased after them after they lead me on. They rejoiced in the rejection and made feel it was my fault. I can go on... it's a long story.

[lightbulb27]

curious what your friends (girl) thought of these guys. narcs hide their true selves and then come out in private. Can often tell they are if they have no empathy. My guess is your lack of esteem roots in childhood with your father. try to trace back into your childhood and see what emotionally impacting things you learned, but were not of God... that's the roots that need replaced with Gods love.

[Sweetascandy1990]

One of my female friends thought they were too good to be true. Like they were hiding something... too perfect. I have lacked self-esteem all my life. My dad resembled traits of these narcs. He was physically abusive towards me and my mom. Yeah I need to fill my life with God's truth and love... thanks for the reminder :-) I hope God can one day bring me to a positive and confidence place like yourself.

[lightbulb27]

It's good you understand it. Our reference point for what love is in the world is mom and dad. Dad demonstrated those traits, they are recorded in you as "this is love".. in an emotional way... so your sub conscious looks for same... it's what is familiar. you literally need to try to go for someone you're not attracted to, or have a girlfriend pick someone foryou... but you likely won't "feel it":) Thus, it's going back into the memories, opening them up, and replacing those with the truth of God, not the warped world you saw through your father. Those memories articulate into your body as well.
I'm still learning how to heal this myself, but found a program to do so.

[Sweetascandy1990]

One more question if you don't mind... you have good points like my therapist. My therapist told me that too... do you think the attraction will come later? She said to start out by friendship and look out for good character qualities, but I'm afraid the chemistry won't be there. I would like to fall in love again in the future. At the same time, I got addiction feelings and was very codependent to the guys I felt chemistry and love. I started friendship with my ex narc, but he exploited the friendship. I felt a lot of chemistry with him and crushes with guys who turned out to be players. I had a crush on a classmate, but he shared he had an abusive alcoholic dad and I started to see some not so good qualities in him. Overall though, I think taking things slow is the way to go. I have intimacy issues... afraid to open up to most people in real life, so friendships seems safer at the moment.

[lightbulb27]

This is a little above my pay grade at the moment as I'm still learning if and how this changes. From what I've seen, it is possible to heal emotionally and reform the mind, reframe those memories. They don't go away... they get reframed in Gods light so they don't have power and God does.

I think you have a couple options. Love would be feeligns for both mom and dad. Drawn to your dad is what happening, and that very normal for the female to go for dad, and in this case, it is bad. But could also go for someone like mom, in male form. Be attracted to someone more like your mom, who sounds like was a decent person, just abused. My guess is you'd have a lot of empathy for him, and he There would be a guy, maybe less masculine, gentle Christian type... could you feel attraction to?

I think the emotional holds those childhood memories have on you, once re-framed, release you to form attraction for someone different.
Does your therapist have any tools or techniques for you to use to rework those memories in a Godly way?

To me this is really fun and exciting to understand and set the prisoner free. I'm sorry you went through all of that mess, but a mess is what makes amazing flowers grow that give forth a thousand seeds and beauty. Somewhere in all of it, is a lot of healing and potential for others healing. That's the power to rise above all this.

[Sweetascandy1990]

My mom was abusive as well... she was toxic from what happened to her. Both of my parents abused me physically and emotionally. I've always been attracted to the more dominant, alpha/masculine type. Only God and Time will tell... healing and self-love are my duties.

Thanks again for your advice and kind words!

[Sweetascandy1990]

Oh and my therapist is using EMDR and just talk therapy/cbt. She uses spiritual/biblical suppory. Thanks for your time :-)

[lightbulb27]

I'm sorry to hear mom had issues, so hard to have a good reference point for what "healthy" is when wasn't demonstrated. You'll have to imagine your own.
Would you be open to trying another Christian therapy approach, if I could get your counselor interested? I'm working with a counselor, 45 years in the profession who has a process that has worked for her. We are working to get it out into use and it's being pilot tested by churches right now. I'd have to get her blessing as well. Just an option. It's nothing more than working through some tools to find the memories, correct them. It's what I'll be working on myself soon as I'm being trained in it as well. If so, I'd give you my contact offline and counselor could contact me. I wouldn't want to know who you are, risk of hippa.

[Sweetascandy1990]

What's the Christian therapy approach called? can you explain it to me in a brief summary if you don't mind? :-) Is it like EMDR?

[lightbulb27]

It's not EMDR. There are various approaches out there and you can see why... our mind stores emotional trauma (lies not of love, worldly fears, .. negative emotions) in our minds and bodies. Those control us until released.

Its a set of 8 tools this counselor found got to the root issues beneath the surface of mental, emotional and behavior signs of stress and trauma. Once roots have been uncovered, you do "spiritual surgery" to literally" take an ax to the root... rooting out the lies we believed, that were not of love/God, and replacing them with God's truth... thus, facilitating healing from the trauma.

I pm'd the name as not sure it is trademarked yet.

[Sweetascandy1990]

Interesting... yeah you can pm the info./name whenever you can of the intervention.

I'm feeling better now that I've gone out to do activities. I'm debating in taking medication as well. My therapist uses EMDR with spiritual truth. I'm doing the best I can for my healing and being obedient to God. In regards to romantic relationships... yup, I definitely don't have a good reference point. Spiritual truths are good for healing like you mentioned.

Thank you for your time, support, empathy, and kindness!

[lightbulb27]

You're welcome. I spoke with owner, rollout to counselors is phase II in the future, she's maxed to provide any support of another counselor, but in the future! I can provide some of this to you if you are interested, it's basically a set of tools to do discovery and resolution of traumas. It is a CBT, just specific process. I'm planning to do this with another gagger as well, you are good case since it was built around your situation... of heavy traumas.

[Secret6620]

Yes I would. I don't judge people's struggles💚💙

[zozo7880]

I'll say this, I'm literally on the other side of the spectrum here. I was falsely accused and convicted of domestic violence. She lied to the police, she injured herself and blamed it on me out of spite (and not wanting to pay back money I loaned her) I have the same types of problems trusting girls too. But I think in the end the correct answer is not to blame new people for old peoples mistakes. Don't assume the next guy will be like the last one. Give each new person the benefit of the doubt and go into it expecting it will be different. Most people are good people.

I know every girl is not going to be like my ex, so I need to look at every girl I meet as a new good person too. It is not easy to do this but in the end we will be better off. Otherwise we are gonna die of depression or something.

[Sweetascandy1990]

I'm sorry to hear about that... that must of been tough. Man, I don't know. I try, but then they turn evil or players or noncomittal. I'm saving myself for marriage so it's hard to find guys with the same values as well. They end up making fun of my beliefs or ghosting. The trust is hard.

[zozo7880]

Well those things suck too, but they don't translate into violence. Lots of people are going to have different values. Want to have sex now or think waiting until marriage is dumb (especially nowadays). Just gotta keep trying, but at least you know what some of the red flags are from your ex. Just this time don't ignore them if you see them.

[Sweetascandy1990]

I think everything turns into violence. That's where I need more healing. My ex emotionally abuse me for my beliefs. I get defensive with people. Thanks for the advice and taking the time to share your experience

[CaptainSmartass]

I'm probably going to sound like a dick here, but no I wouldn't. The reason is that I don't think anyone who's survived that would feel like dating again. Also, they'd have a lot of baggage and would be really sensitive about A LOT of things.

Simples...

[Sweetascandy1990]

Thank you for your honest answer. I can respect that.

[CaptainSmartass]

Thank you for your reply. I hope you feel better now the abuse has stopped :)

[Sweetascandy1990]

Thank you... I'm trying my best :-)

[CaptainSmartass]

:) You're welcome and I'm sorry you had to go through it all :)

[Anonymous]

My current girlfriend is also one. It has its difficulties. Not sure I would do it again.

[Sweetascandy1990]

What kind of difficulties have you encountered if you don't mind me asking? Are you happy with her? Thanks for sharing :-)

[Opinion Owner]

Trust issues and fear of intimacy.

[Sweetascandy1990]

Yeah that's my problem and that's what I fear bringing into a relationship. I hope to be able to overcome that. You must be a very patient person

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, I am, but even I have limits.

[Sweetascandy1990]

That makes sense. That is why I strive to heal first. It's good to get a guy's perspective... thanks

[ChiTown33]

My initial reaction is yes. And i'm not saying no but i would proceed with extreme caution because there's a lot of questions there.

[Giggletr0n]

Yeah, I have done it before, I also dated a rape victim as well - they all broke it off in the end as they just weren't read

[Megatrizzle]

I would date her as long as her head's straight.

[crazy8000]

As long she has her shit together.

[Waffles731]

Yeah

[sandy343244]

I would of course