I'm a 39-year-old woman thinking of dating a 24-year-old man, but I'm worried about the age gap. Advice? What should I do?

[Anonymous]

I'm a 39-year-old woman who is seriously considering dating a 24-year-old guy. We met about 3 months ago and have progressively been seeing each other more and more frequently. Last night he strongly hinted he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I didn't answer him because I do have a few worries about the age difference.

Firstly, I'm highly attracted to him on many levels. I honestly don't feel an age gap when I'm around him. We have a lot in common/he's easy to talk to, he constantly makes me laugh, he treats me very well, and his body drives me wild! We've had sex a couple of times now and he made me feel so amazing! If it wasn't for the age gap I would have said "yes" in a heartbeat. However, even though I am very attracted to him I'm trying to think with my head and figure out if dating someone so much younger is a good idea. He is 15 years younger than me. I am concerned he may be in a different place than me. Maybe I'm too worried because he has finished grad school and he does have a good-paying job (I wouldn't be a sugar mama). Again, I don't feel an age gap when I'm around him, but 15 years is a significant gap and I do worry it may become an issue. From my understanding, such a big age gap can be an issue in and of itself. Furthermore, I am a little concerned about how my family would react to me dating someone so much younger.

The whole "if he wants kids" issue isn't a problem for me because I want more kids. I have 1 son right now (10 years old), but the only reason I never had one or two more is my ex-husband didn't want more. I personally would love to have 1-2 more and I'm not so old for that to be out of possibility.

I really like him and I want to date him, but I'm also trying to figure out if the age difference would be a big problem. Should I date him? Would the age gap be a big problem? Why or why not? Thank you for your help!

[5points2gspot]

From what you're saying I think you already have a good idea of what you're going to choose. You shouldn't need an outside opinion on this.

On a personal note I feel the same towards dating someone much younger than myself. But age is also just a number. If someone is mentally n emotionally compatible with you then what's the worse that could happen?
You both seem to click very well and yet sometimes our soul mates come in a different age group doesn't mean they aren't for you. There could've been a reason why this happened. Due to you having to have gotten where you are in life first before you found them. I would say go for it. & don't allow your family to get too involved due to it being a couple relationship not a community project. They should be happy for you.

[jdhtx1]

Have fun...
I had a former lover who went cougar and just basically told me I was softer than i was the last time she saw me? That was 12 years between meetings. Turns out, she memorized my bodyfat index and I was her go to masturbation mental picture. Until she got on KIK and started getting these dick pics from brothas whose bodies were younger than mine and came with the "TREE TRUNK" attachment. So, enjoy it, because those young looking bodies become few and far between the older you get. And it sucks...

[5points2gspot]

@jdhtx1 I'm personally against dating someone younger than me. Especially by that much of an age. I mean I got a 16 year old daughter. I don't wanna date anyone closer to her age group than mine.. I would feel like I was dating my child. Even a few years younger than me is pushing it. They'd have to be very tall in order for me to forget they were younger than me... Does that make me a bad person? Age isn't everything but some things it is. Even if the mentality is there. The years of my experience is not. Yes mental level we may connect but I've been some shit that now a days no one has gone through, unless you're older. Than maybe you've gone through it.. Kids now a days get the silver spoon 🥄 treatment...

Ps.. What's a tree trunk attachment? 🤣

[Nik1hil]

You deserved the MHO

[5points2gspot]

Thank you 😉

[btbc92]

This is the sex talking. Not a good idea. And yes, it definitely can because most guys like him are NOT looking to marry and settle down with kids. If anything he'll be in it for the sex and still have a LOT of maturing to do where your his mother instead of an equal. Your already fornicating with the guy. It's lust here. Not love. I highly suggest you separate yourself from him for a long while and see if it's serious or just sex for you. 39 is a major hurdle from 24. He's going to want to seek younger women. That's how it goes. And probably already talking about you in bed to other guys.

[Asker]

There certainly is major lust on both sides of the relationship, but that doesn't mean there aren't other major factors of attraction that exist as well.

Secondly, why do you think that separating would determine whether or not he's interested in me for more than just lust? If he likes me for more than just sex wouldn't splitting up for a long while also hurt the relationship? I think he may move onto other girls, but that may be more because he'd get the message that I don't like him as opposed to being a sign that he only wanted me for sex.

This doesn't seem like the best plan, but maybe I'm missing something. Why do you think separating for a long while would indicate whether or not he wants to be with me for reasons other than sex?

[btbc92]

Because all you are looking at is from a lust perspective. You don't really know him, your just having sex with him. I'm pretty sure he is not the only guy you would have sex with which is exactly what I was talking about. Lust is in the dust. If you want something serious with men then you can't be doing this. I mean, you can do what you want. But at the end of the day, I'm pretty sure you are not the only girl he's having sex with on the side. It has nothing to do with attraction. That's how many of you women especially end up in trouble with guys.

"Secondly, why do you think that separating would determine whether or not he's interested in me for more than just lust?" I don't have to think. Science have proven that when you're having sex all of the hormones cloud your better judgment. Being away from that person gives you a sense of better clarity no different than somebody who never had sex or isn't sexually active with them either. You believe you like him more than that, but it's not true. And you being almost 40 is showing that it's more on the desperation side of things. How are you with men around your age? Why a young buck like him? You don't think men don't know why you're going after him? Because it's hard for you to find guys your age.

" If he likes me for more than just sex wouldn't splitting up for a long while also hurt the relationship?" What relationship? FWB? Because that's all it is. Where did he say he wanted something more? Anybody can 'hint' anything. But most gap relationships like this never last and is only temporary mainly for sex. They often end up dating and taking more seriously a person around their age and younger. So unless this guy has a history of dating older women, 9/10x your just an experience he can gloat about to his friends or guys at the 'bar'. AKA, locker talk.

[btbc92]

"Why do you think separating for a long while would indicate whether or not he wants to be with me for reasons other than sex?" The separation is for YOU. Not him. Guys do not operate sexually as women do. He already knows what he wants and what he is willing to get. The issue is your the one not saying anything. And if you were so certain than me suggesting you don't bother wouldn't change what he already may be thinking. Your second-guessing for a REASON. And it is a logical one. Sadly you weren't thinking that when you had sex with him right? That's why a lot of guys do not want to bother with women with that mentality. Because again, he's with you for sex. If he wanted more than that he wouldn't be having so much sex and then not ask about dating. Men date in general to get sex. If you pull back he'll walk to find it elsewhere. Besides the age gap or not. I see that your problem is an impulse for sex because at your growing age your desperate for a man in your life. I've seen many girls and young women make this mistake thinking they can win a man over. If a man wants to be there he'll be there without the expectation of sex. Period. He's a young guy looking for sex with any woman whose willing to provide.

[Asker]

I'm pretty confident he doesn't just want sex. He asked to have sex a couple of months before we had it, but I told him I wasn't ready. He was completely respectful. He continued to make an effort to make time for me even though we weren't having sex. We had sex for the first time this past Saturday (and 1 time after that) Both times after we did it he stayed with me, talked with me, and snuggled with me instead of just getting up and leaving. In fact, on Sunday morning he made us breakfast.
Secondly, I'm not dating him because I couldn't get a guy my age. I've had a husband and previous boyfriends before him. I dated 1 guy 6 months younger than me once, but that was as young as I ever dated (before the guy I'm talking about now). My boyfriend I dated before my guy now was 4 years older than me. Furthermore, I was the one who broke up with him.
Also, he was the one who expressed interest in me first. I actually told him "no" the first couple times he asked me out because I thought he was too young. I said "yes" on his third attempt because he was persistent in a charming way so I decided to give him a chance.
I'm not depressed just because I'm almost 40. I'll admit am dreading the age change a bit, but that doesn't mean I'm depressed. I've got a lot of good things going for me in life.
I do realize that there are a lot of chemicals going through my mind now and it may be difficult for me to think clearly. That's why I'm trying to make an extra effort to think with my head and am trying to get outsiders' perspectives (such as here).
I'll admit you may have a point about separating potentially giving a clearer mind, but I'm concerned that it would really hurt him and give him the impression I'm not interested in him. I think there are other ways to try to get a clearer picture that wouldn't send a message of non-interest.

[btbc92]

Asker, if I may clarify. YOU are a grown woman. Your not some teenage girl anymore basing things on assumption due to lack of experience. You have more than enough experience to know that as grown adults if you want something you go do it and say it and mean it. If you wanted something serious again, you need to decide that with him. Not us. Because we can give you all the answers but if this doesn't last, it's on you. Not us.

[Asker]

My main concern isn't whether or not he's interested in me or if he just wants sex. My main concern is how much of a problem a large age gap would be. Being in a relationship with a large age gap is not something I have experience in, especially since I'm the older one. I'm asking whether or not dating someone so much younger would be a major problem. I don't feel a maturity difference, but I've only known him 3 months and there's a lot more "getting to know" to do. I'm also concerned the age difference may indicate we're in different places in life. Again, his job and educational status make me feel a little better, but the concern is still there. There also may be other issues I haven't thought of.
That's what I'm concerned about/asking about. Not so much with the "does he only want sex" thing.

[btbc92]

Asker, as a child of a couple with a large age gap. What I have to say about sex is very CRITICAL to how your potential relationship will play out, and I have explain one or two examples prior. But I will kindly explain again.:

1. You will be the mother and he the child
2. Mentality and maturity level based on life experience is vastly different
3. Your income levels can be a problem
4. Your sexual expectations and his sexual expectations will begin to become different. Especially since your older and is hitting up there. [you know what I'm talking about] So unless he doesn't care about that, again, that's what he will concern with.
5. THINK about how our sexual choices are effecting your SON. I'm pretty sure he would not be happy to know your dating a guy who is old enough to be an older brother. And then he is caught between his father and this guy.

Also to add. What happened to your marriage? This is something that needs to be discussed because you married him, and that will greatly impact this guy's life. And again, he is less likely to be concerning about wanting children. And because he's young with no kids, and IF he doesn't know you have a child, that will and can change what your plans are.

[btbc92]

And one thing my late mother regards. She is not waiting and marrying somebody who had equal experience as her. She and my dad have an 8 year age gap. And their relationship was very toxic before she passed away. And if you see most couples they do not last. It is VERY RARE to find such couples like one of my cousins who are common-in-law since before my birth who have such an age gap. But they grew up in a time where it wasn't this crazy. That's the difference. These days people are not about family anymore or godly values.

[btbc92]

regrets*

[Asker]

I don't want to go too deep into it, but our marriage ended because he cheated on me several times and he had both alcohol and gambling addictions. The alcoholism eventually got to the point where he became physically violent towards me and my son. That's when I knew I couldn't work things out and the marriage had to end.
I don't think income levels will be a problem. We both make good salaries that allow us to live comfortably. I won't be a sugar mama (and that does make me feel better).
The guy I'm thinking of dating knows I have a kid. I told him that straight away because I wanted to let him know up front that I'm a mom. I haven't introduced him to my son and I don't think I will unless I'm certain things will go in a long term direction. I don't want to introduce someone into his life only for him to quickly leave.
My son's relationship with his father isn't the best, but that's because we had a lot of problems with him at the end. Visitation is complicated because of his alcoholism. A few months after the divorce, he didn't see him at all because of fear that he might get violent. However, he's gotten better and I've tried to carefully figure out the best way to allow their relationship to continue. It's difficult and complicated on all ends.
I told my son already that I'm dating and one day I'll probably be with someone else. I haven't told him that I'm starting to see someone more exclusively. I'm honestly not sure how he'll react when I tell him that. I'm trying to figure out the best way to handle it when it happens. It is something I am concerned about. Do you have any advice on how to handle it?

[Asker]

I've thought about possible sexual differences as well. Right now it's not an issue, but it very well may become one in the future. I know that some women actually get improved sexual drives post-menopause, but I know I shouldn't bank on that. The two times we had sex he was a very attentive lover who worked to meet my needs (and was able to do it well). However, sex drive differences (including post menapose) are an issue most couples deal with. Do you have any advice on how to deal with it, specifically in an age gap relationship?
For whatever it's worth I've actually heard that an older woman-younger man relationship is an ideal sexual match, but I haven't looked much into it and I'm not sure if that's actually true. As of right now I'm very much enjoying the sex and very much want to have it.
Right now when I'm with him I don't feel a maturity difference. I know there's an age difference there, but when I'm with him I can't feel it. I am concerned that could change later, but that has more to do with what I think could happen (based solely on the age gap) as opposed to anything that has happened already.
I don't quite understand what you mean by "he'll be the child and I'll be the mother". He's self-reliant. He's a clean person who picks up after himself. He's responsible. He's got a job that pays well and provides for his expenses. Thus far I haven't had to mother him. I'm curious what is giving you the idea that I'll be like the mom and he'll be like my son?
Also, could you explain what you mean by "Mentality and maturity level based on life experience is vastly different" and how it could pertain to a relationship we may have? I don't understand what you mean by that.
Thank you for your advice.

[btbc92]

Asker, by you being 39 and him 24 he is still a child to you. When you get too close and too deep into a relationship with that dynamic it can cause a lot of issues especially when the arguments start. You have to take into account to what is for your life and not what you're looking up and reading on the internet. You cannot believe all of that stuff because again, it's not your life, and they're trying to glamor it up to either make you jealous or depressed.

"I don't want to go too deep into it, but our marriage ended because he cheated on me several times and he had both alcohol and gambling addictions." So now let me ask you these questions. Did you know he was drinking? How did you two meet? And what was both your lives like before getting together? Because it sounds like to me you have a pattern picking up guys and not really understanding or knowing if your picking good mates. And it also sounds like o me you tolerated the drinking instead of just getting out and seperating the first time you saw it. That was error #1.

If you knew he drank and you never knew his life before you, that is error #2. Because he sounds like this is not the first time he abused somebody. Sounds like you knew he had some problems but it didn't manifest until you married him right? And it started getting worse after you had your son?

[btbc92]

"I don't want to introduce someone into his life only for him to quickly leave." Again, this is why premarital sex and lusting is a big no-no. Because no matter how safe you make it once he gets older he will know you were messing around with different guys if he doesn't last long.

"Do you have any advice on how to handle it?" Sadly there isn't anything that can be done with this picture because again, you already took it into your own hands to seek another partner and having sex already. It is often advised to not rush into that while children are really young because what happens is you teach them that anybody is replaceable. While it was a good thing to leave your husband in that situation. What isn't right is rushing into a new relationship knowing you and your son have a broken relationship with your ex-husband and father to your child. If he was 18 and older, I'm certain he would understand. But for a 10-year-old child who is soon becoming his own man? His innocent mind is now trapped in this mess because of your negligence and his father's recklessness. As women, we have a major responsibility in assuring we are with the best mate for us IF dating, marriage, sex, and children are of our desire.

[btbc92]

Right now remember, your having sex so I cannot expect you to truly see what is happening already. You're so willing to defend and desiring him for sexual needs you weren't getting from your ex-husband, and sadly that's where the issues still point at. Your bitterness at what he did to you. Otherwise, this divorce you had with your husband shouldn't affect you. And you want more children? I think you really need to focus on the welfare of your son and the relationship you still have with your ex. Because if your trying to play off as if your young again, that is badly going to make your kid think that your sexual needs are more important than fixing the situation between you and his father. Again, it's your life, but your life is not just your own anymore. You have a child for 10 years now. That doesn't last long. By the time he's 12, more changes show up. 14 and he'll be his own man with his own decisions. And 4 more years afterward, he'll decide if you've been the mother he needed or not and form his own relationships. And sadly with what he experienced with the abuse, it will impair him greatly where he may avoid relationships with women because of what happened to you. Kids learn from YOU. The parent. You can't have it both ways.

[btbc92]

And as far as income. Again, he's working for himself. As you have to for yourself and taking care of your son. So right now that is not going to affect you. But marrying him would not be the best idea. That's for sure. A lot of these men and male users will sadly tell you to do it because again, they think on sex and what they would want more than your welfare and the welfare of your child. And that again can affect how his father sees it. There is a lot of things you have to deal with now that your ex is trying to get clean. And legally you do not want to overstep the line that will again, affect your son. If you didn't have any kids, then this would have been slightly different. But now its more complicated than ever. Again, I am not saying you don't deserve to be happy. But not like this. Not when sin is ruling your actions and you have a family now.

[Asker]

I honestly don't want to get too involved with it, but the drinking, cheating, and gambling didn't' happen until the last 2 years of our marriage (which lasted 10 years). Or at the very least I didn't know about it until then, but I doubt he started much earlier than that. He was not doing any of that stuff when we dated and through most of our marriage. I stayed as long as I did because of the relationship we had and because of our son. I left as soon as I was worried about my safety and the safety of my son.
I know he's a lot younger than me, but I don't feel an age gap when I'm with him. He's very mature and I don't feel the age gap. Maybe that'll change down the road, but as of now I don't feel it. I am concerned that may change later on though. However, as of right now he does not feel like my son at all.

[Asker]

I guess I don't quite understand why us having sex was so bad for my son. As of right now I'm making sure that my relationship with this guy and my life with my son is very separate. That way if it doesn't work out he won't be hurt or affected by it. I for sure don't want to introduce a new man into his life until I know it's going to be long term. I think that by doing that I won't be teaching my son that anyone is replaceable. I'm not quite sure why you think I am since I'm not letting him in my son's life before knowing if he'll stay.

[Asker]

However, if I do that I don't see what's wrong with having a relationship and having sex. I make sure that when I do have sex I'm not in the same house as my son (I make sure he has a sitter or that my mom/sister/other family member is watching him). I don't personally think premarital sex is morally wrong and I do try to set bounds to make sure my son isn't negatively affected. So long as I do that I don't see what the problem is. I still have sexual needs/desires and I have loved having sex with this guy. I love feeling sexy and desired. I also love the way he makes me feel. I know there are boundaries that need to be set to protect my son, but so long as I do that I don't think having sex will negatively affect him. If he finds out I had sex when he gets older he'll just know that I have needs too. I don't think there's anything wrong or damaging about a single mom being sexual with a guy she's starting a relationship with. Again, even though I'm dating and having sex I'm not letting men in and out of my son's life. I make sure that when I'm involved in that part of my life he's in a different house being taken care of by someone else. (BTW he is aware that I do date other people. I don't want to hide/lie to him about that. I just don't go into any more detail as of right now).
But maybe I'm missing something. If I set the boundaries I've already described is there any reason why my son would be negatively affected by my sex life/relationship?

[Asker]

I also don't understand what you were talking about as far as the income issue. I'm not sure what you mean by "male user", but I think you're implying he's dating me just for my money. I don't think that's true. I guess in this context giving specific numbers may be helpful. I make about $65,000 a year. However, he makes somewhere between $80,000-$100,000 (I'm not sure exactly where, but I know it's in that range). He actually makes more than me so I don't think he's dating me for my money. He's also never once asked me for money and he usually offers to pay when we go out. If he was after my money I don't think he'd be doing that.
If I completely misunderstood what you were saying please correct me.

[btbc92]

Because you're his MOM. Anything you do sexually your son will do sexually as well. It's in your DNA the moment you lost your virginity IF you didn't wait before marriage. To give you an example look at this male users situation with his mom.

I'm a virgin who only wants to date other virgins, am I wrong for that? ↗

His situation is a PERFECT example of a generational curse. That is how powerful sex is. It doesn't just affect the two sexually involved partners. It affects the parents, friends, and most of all, the children.

"I'm not quite sure why you think I am since I'm not letting him in my son's life before knowing if he'll stay." Did you not forget what it was like to be a child? Children are very perceptive. Their not empty vessels. Their souls with thoughts, feelings, and ideas of their own. Everything around them, especially when their intuitive by nature as I am, we can pick up on sudden cues from people. I didn't have to be around my father's female acquaintances to know that he was trying to replace my mother for them because my mother refuse sex with him. And I was 3 when I learned this. Your son experienced enough trauma when the divorce happened. That's a major scar on him already. Your fear also will drive his decisions. That's the 2nd scar. The 3rd scar is the separation between you, him and his father, you trying to separate this guy from him, that's the extra 2 scars. Because he does not understand why you are behaving like that and then tell him you're seeing other men. Children desire both parents together. Since that is not possible, you can guarantee he is feeling it but probably hiding his feelings. Men experience this more and hide their feelings. You have to see him as a young man, not a child now. Men deal with this differently than girls. We just tend to deal with 'daddy' issues.

[btbc92]

"If I set the boundaries I've already described is there any reason why my son would be negatively affected by my sex life/relationship?" Reread everything you wrote and explain to me what is wrong with this picture.

Everything your writing is all about you. What you don't feel is wrong. What you want. What your sexual needs are. What you like to him. You giving your son to baby sitters and other people when he needs YOU around. Your mother. If you wanted that so much, you know to get married. This is an error. Children are greatly impacted because you dumped him at somebody else's house for sex and this guy. And you think there is nothing wrong? Do you realize that most men do not want to get married or have bad relationships with women and end up just like your ex-husband because of what you women do? That's why guys like your ex-husband often turn to drinking because they grew up in broken homes. Like the one you and he created. If you want me to further clarify I will break down everything you wrote to see where your wrong. And how this is hurting your son.

[btbc92]

"I guess I don't quite understand why us having sex was so bad for my son." Because God designed sex to be holy and pure for a married couple to experience and enjoy together. Through the power of sex, and God's hand in giving your son a soul of his own, your sex life greatly impacts how your son may handle his sex life. And oftentimes sons and daughters who grew up with backgrounds like what you have with sexual history often do a repeat like a curse. Your son may turn to drinking because again, you're not being active in his life as you should because you're trying to put him on hold for 'sexy time'. How would you like it if a parent did that to you and you needed them with you NOW. You're a child who can't even take care of yourself, and instead of your dumped to your grandparents, friends, and having babysitters watch you when you only want your parents. That's the responsibility of the parents. NOT somebody else. That's why some people do not have kids. Because sex is something they want so bad, children will get in the way. Remember, your son never asked to be born, nor asked to be born into this situation. This is what you and your ex created. And your responsibility and accountability for him. That becomes abuse and neglect.

" As of right now I'm making sure that my relationship with this guy and my life with my son is very separate. That way if it doesn't work out he won't be hurt or affected by it." Let me ask you this question. Do you think your son is stupid? What's the point in your son telling you his feelings if you put how he feels to the side because you figure he's 10 years old. I don't even know your kid but I have no doubt your son is highly intelligent for his age. Never underestimate the intuitiveness of children. They are quite perceptive and feel the energy in the room. Anything you feel, he will feel. When your anxious, when your sad, when you angry, when you're happy and when you confused. Everything.

[btbc92]

"I for sure don't want to introduce a new man into his life until I know it's going to be long term." Then again, my question for you is why are you having sex KNOWING THIS? I'm sorry, but sadly, that's probably why you ended up with your ex because you're making careless decisions that may end up being a repeat or this guy leaving because there is unstableness in your life.

"I think that by doing that I won't be teaching my son that anyone is replaceable. I'm not quite sure why you think I am since I'm not letting him in my son's life before knowing if he'll stay." Because again, you divorced his father. That's scaring enough. To know you're not getting back to his daddy for another or other men. That's ruff. I'm sure he will do anything to make sure you're happy with somebody else if his father doesn't want to fit the bill of being father and husband. But unless he understands what sex is and the gravity of premarital sex, his innocence is being compromised because he doesn't know right from wrong. And it's bad enough your history and your sexual choices is already a big mess. Children cannot learn from unstableness.

[btbc92]

"I still have sexual needs/desires and I have loved having sex with this guy. " And ask yourself this personal question. Did you love having sex with your husband? Because look, your ex is human. Your human. Your needs and wants are based on what you're not getting from your last marriage. And until you fix your broken-heartedness and lack love for yourself your seeking validation from somebody who you barely even know for 3 whole months. All this that I am seeing is a rebound relationship because of your hurt and broken from what your husband allowed and did to your marriage.

[btbc92]

You don't think premarital sex is wrong? That's why your suffering now. Because it is. Your destroying your chance at happiness for sex, and this guy is ruining himself because he is only 24 years old he should be living his life being able to figure out if settling down is something that he should be doing. Right now your just fulfilling his sexual fantasies basically and most men today always dream of having sex with older women at least ONCE, until they grow tired of it and seek more youthful younger women.

"If he finds out I had sex when he gets older he'll just know that I have needs too." Don't you see how selfish that is? I'm sorry, again, but that's how I know you don't love yourself. A healthy-minded woman does not speak so lowly of herself. And put her kid's feelings on a back burner. He'll grow to think that marriage is impossible and women aren't worth respecting. Again, men do not see sex the same way women see it. The last thing a grown man wants to know is his mother hoping from man to man. My father of 50 something years is still bitter and angry about my grandmother's choices and it affected in how he treated women. Now he's become abusive.

[btbc92]

Right now you are so sexually insecure that you have to seek sex elsewhere without even securing a marriage or anything permanent. Until this 24-year-old is showing he is capable of marriage and starting a family you with, you are sadly going to ruin others' lives because of what you're not getting. Everything again, that you wrote, points to insecurity, abuse, and confusion. Heck, you don't even know if what your doing is even the right thing. That's questionable. I'm sure you are aware that this less to do about an age gap. I believe your biggest fear is making the same mistake again like with your ex-husband, because had your husband got his attitude together and stayed clean, I doubt you still would want to stay. Your issue is that you never felt like a wife and now you want to feel like somebody's wife again by having sex with this guy to fulfill what again, your husband couldn't make you feel. It all points to your ex. This is and was NEVER about this guy or the age. It's you still suffering from the abuse of your husband because while you love your ex, you also hated him for how you were treated. That's the problem. And until you fix it, you'll always have these doubts. Also, did you go seek professional counseling for this? If not. I highly suggest you do instead of speaking to strangers on here.

[btbc92]

Your ex-husband to me from what I'm ready wasn't a bad man. If you knew he was I'm certain you wouldn't have married him and agreed to bear his children. He fell short. And sadly often than not, most men do because they never had a father figure in their life either or no mentorship. Don't think he isn't in pain knowing he, excused my french and Lord forgive me, f***ved up.

[Asker]

I read the link you gave. I think my situation is very different from that. Firstly, the strong majority of my time outside of work is dedicated to my son, not this guy. There are some nights I do get a family member to watch him, but that certainly isn't most nights. I was upfront about this with him from the beginning and he was OK with it. I'm not ignoring my son to be with this guy. I do have my mom and sister watch him enough for me to be able to have a dating life, but I make sure the strong majority of the parenting is done by me. It's a balancing act for sure, but I don't think that it's absolutely impossible.

[btbc92]

Take responsibility now as a mother and be there for your son. Because if you get this guy sooner or later your going to be pitted against him and your son, and if your ex gets clean and sees this. He may god forbid seek custody. I'm not kidding you. My sister got taken away from her mother at 3 years old because she neglected her for men and money. Not saying you're like that because I can see and tell you not. But your seeking men and sex. That is not a good thing. He may grow bitter and angry, dismissive and distant once he becomes a teenager. And that is an even bigger hurdle. Right now your blind to seeing it, but if you don't fix it right now, it will become your future. Not every person in your situation turns out right or get a happy ending. And your son should not have to pay for yours and your ex's mistakes.

[Asker]

I'm not hooking up with random guys. Right now I've started a romantic/sexual relationship with one guy that I'm considering continuing. I haven't just been hooking up with men left and right. Furthermore, I live at my house with my son. The couple of nights he did stay over my son was at my sister's (who he would have been with even if I wasn't with this guy). I take birth control and he uses protection, so I don't think I'll be getting any unplanned pregnancies anytime soon. If I was just having sex with all these random guys, ignoring my son, and sleeping over at other houses I could definitely understand how it could harm my son. However, I'm only with one guy (who I'm not introducing to my son until I know he'll be around long term), I'm using birth control/he's using protection.

[Asker]

My sister and my mom do watch my son enough for me to have a dating life, but the strong majority of my time is dedicated to being a mom. If I ever snuff off anyone I snuff off the guy I'm kind of dating (and I told him how it would work from the beginning. He was OK with it and understands my son is first) I make sure to keep my dating life/sex life separate. I know you said he picks up on things, but I don't think that having him know that I'm dating (one guy I haven't introduced to him yet) is going to hurt him. There are a lot of single parents out there who remarry and in order to do that they had to date. The thing that makes my situation more unique is the age gap, but I think the issues you're talking about would be present regardless of the age gap.
However, I'm still interested in hearing what you have to say in case I'm missing anything. So long as I make sure my son is my #1 priority, I keep my dating/sex life separate from my parenting life, I use birth control/he uses protection, etc. why can't I have a dating/sex life as a single parent? I do let my sister and mom watch him enough for me to have a dating life, but I don't think that automatically means I'm a neglectful parent or that he's not my #1 priority.

I know you may be super religous (and that's fine) but I'm not. I don't think premarital sex in and of itself is a sin. Ignoring your children to sleep around with multiple guys is super bad, but that's not what I'm doing. I'm having sex with only one guy I'm progressively moving in a relationship with.

[Asker]

I'm still continuing this conversation because I am open to the possibility that I may be missing something that you could point out, but I think you're essentially saying that in order to be a good mom I have to have essentially no dating life and I can never have sex. I don't see why that has to be the case.

[btbc92]

Asker, I amnot religious. I'm only telling you what I am seeing. Do you know why so many people have said I should be a psychologist despite my protest? Because my insights tend to be right 99.9% of the time. Again. I understand that you will do whatever that you feel is best and what you want. I cannot control your life. BUT if 5 to 10 years down the road nothing improves. You will remember what I have told you. And I will be at that age myself. As I said, you keep saying you don't think this and that. You cannot think. You have to KNOW. Otherwise, your walking in blindly waiting for the slaughter of yourself again. Your sister and mother are not responsible for your kid to have a dating life. Again, he needs you more than ever. It is a sensitive time in his life. It's not like he's 19 or 21. He is 10. But I guess I have to let you go through until you see it and hopefully learn it for yourself. It's not about me being 'religious'. There is no point in me explaining further if you are not grasping basic things I'm telling you. The point is not you hooking up with random guys. But that you are with anyone else other than his father. That is the point. It is still harming him because again, you're taking him to auntie and grandma.

[btbc92]

I will have to tell you as a pastor and speaker have said to women who had your problems. It's OKAY to try to date. BUT your better off waiting until your kids are older and out the house instead of when they're so young and little. Because it will affect them greatly with their growth and psychological. And its the truth. And I know why you have a hard time getting it. Its because you fear if you gave it up you have nothing. That is not true. Do not let your fear rule you. Right now is not the time for you to date and having sex, [before marriage or course]. That doesn't mean you won't ever. Again, you chose to be a mother. Had you been married you wouldn't be in this fix. Because you just made it harder on yourself. And that is not something I or the rest of us can help you with. As I said, had you not have a child, it would be different. But you have a child. It's not the same anymore. Okay, your 39 years old. You should already know better right now that it's no longer about what you want. It's about what is best for your son. Self-sacrificing. If sex was that important to you, no offense, you shouldn't have got pregnant. Whether you are on birth control or not is irrelevant. What IS relevant is that you're a single mom with a young son missing dating and sex life because you didn't have it as a whole. It doesn't mean you can't hang out with other guys and friends, etc. But dating right now and with the sex, is where the issue is.

[btbc92]

Again, if you are so certain about this guy. Just date him already. Why argue with me about what you think is okay if you're already set and certain this is what you want and you don't want to turn back? I am not your mother. You do not need my permission or other's permission to do your adult decisions, but again your the one confused and unsure. And that is a red flag. In relationships, you must be certain 100% every day. There are still lessons you have to learn that you're putting off. And in singleness and its when your alone is when you grow and mature as a person. And I don't think you are taking the time for that growth. If it takes 5 years so be it. Please do not make the same mistake my close friend did. Every time she thought she was ready she end up failing in them again. She is now taking her time and growing and maturing as a woman at the ages we are. After her divorce as much as she misses sex and such and desires children as well as she has none. And yes, she went through the same as you, she is in NO RUSH to be with a man for a few years. And God even told her, it will be in HIS TIMING. NOT ours. So you cannot force open doors and expect to yield good fruit.

[Asker]

I don't think my son is stupid, but I do think that it is possible to date as a single parent without psychologically damaging your kids. He's aware that I'm dating other men, but that happens to a lot of other kids with single parents. That doesn't mean I'm leading him down a path of misery.
My son hasn't ever drank to begin with so he can't "turn back" from it. Regardless, as I've already stated, I don't think that letting my sister and mom watch him enough for me to have a dating life is the same thing as neglecting him. I dedicate literally the rest of my free time to him.
I'm not sure if my son even knows what sex is and even if he does it's a very basic surface level. He knows I'm dating other men, but he doesn't know I'm having sex (and he doesn't need to know). Therefore, I don't think his innocence is being compromised.
I enjoyed sex with my ex-husband for most of our marriage. After I found out he was cheating on me that made me enjoy it considerably less. All of the drinking and gambling didn't help either. Before he started all that I very much enjoyed sex with him like I'm enjoying sex with the guy I'm with right now.
Again, I am open to the possibility I'm missing something and you being able to point it out. That's where I'm coming from right now though

[btbc92]

Asker, at this point I am tired and this is something you have to fix. You know the answer. It's just an answer you don't like. And I cannot help you with that if you refuse to heed to my warnings. Have a good night.

[Minato157]

Asker, sorry that @btbc92 Shamed you. There is nothing wrong in what you’re doing.

[cavmanier]

There is evidence that couples are happier when the woman is skinnier than the man (I think the girl being more attractive helps too but not sure). The point is I think women and men ten to do better when the girl is more physically desirable. In 5 or 10 years the difference between you two might get worse.

Saying all that though, so what? You two are individuals and if you are perfect for each other it's worth a strong consideration. We don't know the details nearly as well at you. You probably realize that it's rare to come across a great match.

[Dave-from-Illinois]

Go for it! Only going out with him for a while will show if he is mature enough for you. I wouldn't throw away an opportunity to see if this guy will make you happy. I have a friend that we all gave hell for going out with a lady almost 20 years older than him back in 1995. They are still together until this day! They clearly were meant for each other! I had a 40 year old rock my world when I was young and am thankful for it too.

Go for it!!!

[Marilynjuana]

In my opinion, enjoy yourself if you want to. But thinking about having kids and settling with a 24-year old is a bit of a reach. Most of us are not ready to have kids at that age. I don't mean to be insensitive, but you are 39 and, well, for women the clock starts ticking. Obviously you know him and we don't, but looking at it from the outside, it would make more sense to find a partner closer to your age.

[your_guy_23]

Screw the age gap, if you are both OK with it and are willing to give it your best, then do it, to hell what other people think, I know a few people who have big age gaps and even had kids and got married so I don't see any problem with it, as long as being with this guy makes you happy

[Asker]

My concern isn't so much what people would think (although I'll admit I'm a little worried about that. However, it's not enough to keep me from trying). I'm worried that the age gap itself may be an issue. I know that the good majority of relationships with such a big gap aren't lasting (and to be honest it's especially true when the woman is older). I'm very interested in him, but I also realize there's a major gap between 39 and 24.

[your_guy_23]

I see what you mean, but I guess you won't know how it will turn out unless you try, if you both like each other then go for it, but that's your decision and yours alone I'm afraid

[Nik1hil]

What do you think @5points2gspot my little girl? Guide your Daddy with your perception to this question...

I personally think it would be rare that they both will be ever on same page.. But they definitely seem, totally each other's type..
Which leads to a extremely Passionate Relationship...
Dating is 100% possible..

[5points2gspot]

@Nik1hil I posted. Just it's somewhere in the comments.

[Anonymous]

Cracks will start to show very quickly and you will see the immaturity. At the moment he's putting his best foot forward, and you are in a haze so not seeing any of the red flags. I currently have a girl about that age who is interested in me, and although we get on just fine, there is no way I would fool myself into thinking anything serious could come of it.

It also seems you've put the cart before the horse since you've already had sex...

[wankiam]

the age gap isn't a problem if he has some maturity. if however he is acting grown up when really he isn't then it may not work out long term. you know him so only you can assess that.

[MzAsh]

Girl I say go for it. You’re both consenting adults and he seems to really like you and treat you well.

[Asker]

But do you think the age gap could be a problem? I'm super attracted to him (which is why I'm thinking of going into a relationship with him), but I also know that the good majority of relationships with such a big gap aren't lasting (and to be honest it's especially true when the woman is older). I'm very interested in him, but I also realize there's a major gap between 39 and 24.

[MzAsh]

It can be but doesn’t necessarily have to be. I’d say checking his maturity level and interest in you is important. I think that’s usually the problem in most age gap where the woman is older. For example, Ashton and Demi were never going to last because Ashton was so immature (although she didn't want to see it) and she undervalued herself as a woman largely due to her age. She saw him as better than her when it was the other way around, so she acted like he was better than her. That’s why she lowered herself to try to “keep up” with him and do all the dumb shit he wanted her to do. She was trying to be perfect and fulfill a fantasy that doesn’t really exist.

So I’d take a lesson from that as well.

I know they are celebs but I use them as an example because Demi was brave enough to be open and honest about the dynamics between their relationship.

[Asker]

I think he genuinely is interested in a relationship. He does make real efforts to spend time with me (and not just for sex, which we only barley started having). Right now I don't feel a big maturity gap. However, I've only known him for 3 months. There's a lot more "getting to know" to do. I am also concerned we may be in different places. The fact he's already graduated with a master's degree and has a good job does make me feel better, but there's more to being where you are in life than education and employment status. Again, 39 to 24 is a major age gap.
I know it may sound like I'm trying to talk myself out of a relationship, but I'm really not. In fact, I really want to date him. I'm just concerned about being in a relationship with such a big gap/the problems it may bring. I'm trying to think with my head as well as my heart (as not thinking with my head was a big problem in my last marriage).

[MannMitAntworten]

It is only a problem if you or he allows it to be a problem - in your heads. It doesn't sound like this is one in his head. Yours on the other hand could sabotage your good thing.

[Asker]

I'm just concerned about the age gap itself. I know that the good majority of relationships with such a big gap aren't lasting (and to be honest it's especially true when the woman is older). Even though I am very attracted to him (which is why I'm seriously thinking of giving this relationship a try) I do realize that 39 to 24 is still a huge leap.

[MannMitAntworten]

I know of a couple the exact ages as both of you and who she too is the elder of the two. Go with it.

[hisokadb]

Well u already had sex and i dont think it bothers u that but what bothers u is the others opinion after they see u so i would say fuk that and go for it , i had older girls then me too and i really loved that but she had other plans

[Anonymous]

There is no way this is going anywhere. Use Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher as a cautionary tale. Not worth it.
My guess is he is just looking for some MILF or cougar action until he finds something else.

[Avicenna]

Age gap isn't the issue here since you're both adults. The issue is, are you compatible in terms of personality, values and expectations?

[Pete671]

Not much of an issue imho, if you like each other, go for it, why deny yourself happiness? I'm 56 and my girlfriend is 78,,,

[bamesjond0069]

"... and I'm not so old for that to be out of possibility." Are you dreaming? Please do not rope this kid in. He likes your company and he wants steady sex, this will not last no matter what you do.

[CowboyAceTre]

My wife is ten years older than me. We've been married for ten years, together for 12. I think. Lmao Do what makes you happy, and fuck people.

[danfarmbiy]

It has happen tho with catches. Making babys never happens and after a few year they both swing for a night. Not cool for me but that is them

[Chadnelson1973]

Go for it some guys are very attracted to older women. You will find common interests

[User_Friendly]

It might become an issue as you age and he doesn't.

[COMMODOREII]

Woohoo!! Go for it woman!! Think of the stamina. 😂

[OddBeMe]

I think 24 yr old is adult enough. Is he a virgin? If so, I’d be just be mindful.

[GreenGold1992]

I wouldn't worry about it, age is just a number. If you like him, you should be with him.

[Spinoff]

Well I'm a guy who loves to eear panties and bras and maxi pads