What would you do if you saw your girlfriend or boyfriend was still on the website you met them on after two months of making it official?

[Anonymous]

I forgot to delete my dating profile after we started dating and I went on to delete it. Out of curiousity, I checked to see if my girlfriend also already deleted her account. She didn't and in fact she goes on her dating account every day maybe even twice a day. She still has herself as single too. I went ahead and texted her asking why she still has her account and she told me she's looking for friends. She sent me a screenshot of her conversations to prove to me that she's not cheating but all of her conversations were with guys.. I asked why she still has herself as single and she said it never occurred to her to change it. I feel like she's trying to play me as a fool and at this point I want to end things. How can I trust her? How can I trust her enough to know she isn't playing me? Especially this is the beginning of the relationship where trust is built overtime. I told her exactly this and she acts so mind blown by my reaction like i am overreacting. Like she doesn't understand me at all but she's trying to prove she's not a cheater somehow. When she could have just deleted her conversations with who she was cheating with. I get this impression by her that she doesn't plan on deleting her account unless I make her. The fact that this is thrown at me before we could have build a strong trust for each other is hurtful. And she acts so nonchalant and very insulted by my remarks. Even though I feel like any sane person would act exactly the way I am acting. Unless she's trying to manipulate me hardcore, she acts like it's no big deal she's still on a dating app looking for "friends" and I am the weirdo for feeling concerned. What do you think about all of this?

Updates

+1 y

I wanted to let everyone know I broke up with her today. I told her exactly why I am breaking up with her and she acted so betrayed by me. She had the audacity to feel betrayed by me. She said we could have worked through it even though she didn't plan on putting in effort. She was self-centered throughout the entire relationship and I definitely see she didn't care about me at all. Thank you for all your advice. I considered every opinion and your advice did not go unnoticed. Thank you again.

[Herbie_Otch]

This opinion probably won't win me a lot of support, judging by what others have posted, but personally, I wouldn't worry about it too much unless I was given other reasons to worry.

Some people get used to having online profiles and enjoy online interaction even when they find themselves in real life relationships, whether romantic or otherwise. To me, the more important questions would be: had she given you other reasons not to trust her this early in the relationship? Are you secure enough to give her time, and see if she changes it in her own? Might letting her gradually get more comfortable and secure in the relationship lead to the kind of unquestioning stability you're looking for? Might asking her to explain herself for things she sees as innocent socializing lead to worries that you don't trust her, are sitting on or suffocating her, etc? And perhaps most importantly, are you happy now?

I think it's far too common for people to worry about what might happen in the future.

"Is she going to cheat on me?"
"Is this an early warning sign that ____ might happen some day?"
"What if I give her the benefit of the doubt? Will I feel foolish later?"

In my opinion, these are not productive questions. If you're happy with your new relationship, my advice is to work to cultivate the kind of trust and communication that will make it stronger. If she hasn't given you a tangible reason not to trust her (lying or cheating that you know about with certainty, etc.), my advice is to take her at her word and cultivate trust. If she makes you feel good when you're with her, my advice is to do everything you can to make her feel good, so she'll naturally come to value the bond the two of you are building more than she values a way to meet and talk to strangers via a dating site.

I feel that worrying about things that *might* go wrong often prevents people from enjoying what is. If she takes a while to get extremely serious about a new relationship, is it possible you can accept that it may just be the way she is, and the speed she is comfortable going?

At the end of the day, you need to decide how she makes you feel and take care of yourself. If this pattern hurts you, she might not be right for you. But if she otherwise seems like an ideal partner, it's been my experience that being appreciative rather than possessive leads to good trust and communication, and that being grateful for what is, rather than fearful of what might come to pass, is a better way to cultivate happiness and stability together.

[Asker]

I was happy with her up until this point. She has done some questionable things though. When the relationship first started she did tell me she loved me which kind of freaked me out since we were two weeks into dating.
I did not say it back though because I don't love her this early on. I felt like she was rushing things because she would tell me I am husband material and she'd ask if I think she is wife material. She always told me I made her happy. One good thing is she wants sex all the time. Though she is very distant and I rarely get a reply from her when I text. But it makes up for when we hangout, she gives me all of her attention. Recently I had a testicular cancer scare. The doctor found a lump there and I had to get it checked for cancer. While all of that was happening she didn't really care to check in or show concern. But I didn't make it into a big deal. Since we just started dating I didn't want something big like that to become a huge deal between us. Even though I did want her to show at least some concern but whatever. And now this happened about the online dating. I could honestly take her or leave her at this point. I could try to continue the relationship just to see if she would be a better person. But I am unsure if it's worth it or not.

[spartan55]

@Herbie_Otch
Although I am in the "boot her ass" camp, you bring up some aspects and considerations I hadn't thought of. All were valid imho. Well done.
Great user name by the way.

[Jamie05rhs]

Dude, this bitch doesn't care about you at all. She just wants to use you for sex and ditch you for another guy. She's a disgusting human being. Please cut ties with her immediately.

[Jamie05rhs]

@spartan55 I agree; they were good points in general. But in this case, I think she's using him, so following Herbie's advice in this particular situation would be a gullible thing to do.

[Herbie_Otch]

@Jamie05rhs with all due respect, how do you know what kind of person she is? A "disgusting human being" simply because she's reluctant to delete or change status on an online profile?

Perhaps you've never met anyone who's just nervous at the beginning of a relationship. I certainly have. Like this girl, I've been the one who was unsure of emotions and said "I love you" too fast, and had to walk it back and play it cool when she didn't say it back, while trying to feel her out to see where I stood with her, how serious the relationship was, how much trust we had actually built, etc.

There are lots of studies showing that people's response to attention on social media is very similar to what a drug addict experiences when getting a fix. I don't see anything in this story that would refute the possibility that she might just enjoy the attention a single lady profile gets her, and might have gotten used to it after being single for a while, whether consciously or subconsciously. I'm not saying she SHOULD keep the single lady profile, I'm just saying that maybe her impulse not to change it right away is understandable, and maybe a better way to persuade her to change it would be to make this new, budding romance a fun and comfortable thing that naturally makes her feel secure and fortunate to have found a partner, rather than expecting her to behave like she's in a strict marriage after only a couple of months.

Again, it is definitely one possibility that her intentions are questionable, but she knows the asker has seen her profile and she offered him screen shots to show her interactions are benign. If the asker can't be secure about that, it's understandable and he could walk away. But what if he walked away from what could have developed into a great romance? There have to be things about her that he feels good about. Shouldn't he weigh those in his reaction to a single, POSSIBLY red flag?

[Herbie_Otch]

TL;DR: Worst case scenario if he gives her the benefit of the doubt, she "plays" him, and leaves at some point. That would be sad, but it's only one hypothetical possibility that doesn't seem any more likely than any other outcome. The relationship would end anyway, when it's actually proven that she had bad intentions.

What seems sadder to me is assuming everyone has bad intentions at the first whiff of behavior someone isn't sure about, and ending things that could be great, based on hunches and suppositions that turn out not to be true at all.

Good relationships take work, and to build trust with someone, you have to be able to place some trust in them. There's always a chance we could get hurt, but there's also always a chance it will be rewarded. You'll never experience rewards like that if you don't make them a possibility and assume the worst about everyone.

[Jamie05rhs]

Okay, Herbie. I hear you. You presented your arguments very thoughtfully and logically. I recognize the points that you are making.

Still, the majority of the respondents here think she's bad news.

[Herbie_Otch]

Clearly you're correct about that. The majority here are quick to judge. I also wonder if the majority of the peiple out there are less happy than they could be. That's all.

You're right though, I've made my points and don't need to belabor things further. Thanks for at least reading them.

[Herbie_Otch]

@Asker: good for you. Despite my advice to be optimistic, only you know the details of your use situation. I'm glad the right choice became clear to you, and that in hindsight it feels like the right one. Sorry things didn't work out, but best wishes with whatever comes next for you.

[spartan55]

You can bet your bottom dollar if the situation were reversed she would be freaking out on you right now.
Here's the thing, you've shared your concerns with her and she clearly doesn't give a shit. That alone would make me walk.

[Jmmmfi4]

MHO him

[spartan55]

Thank you sir.

[spartan55]

Re update: Great to hear dude! Breaking up is never a picnic, even when you know it's the best thing for you. I'm glad myself and my fellow GaGers could help you make a decision. Good luck moving forward!

[spartan55]

And thanks for the MHO!

[Anonymous]

1. Once the words "we are officially only dating each other and no one else" are spoken, you are a couple by your own omission. Therefore there should be no place listed where they are single unless they generally forgot to change it (happens) but in your case, you've already mentioned this to her and changed your own status/deleted dating account, and she has made no move to do so and is somehow insulted by what should be an easy fix if she is aware you are a couple...
2. Moving on to why does she need a dating app to find friends?!? People go on dating apps for sex or dating or relationships, not friendship. That's what friendship apps are for.
3. Guy, save yourself here. The fact that you have worked through some very rational steps, and you're already from the jump in a place where you don't think you can trust her for justifiably reasons, and she doesn't seem to be making any real moves to acknowledge you're actually in a relationship, leads me to think you're on your way to getting majorly burned if you don't jump ship soon.

[Anonymous]

You aren't crazy or overthinking this. My ex did the same thing; went as far as to create another account so he could keep doing it. I let it slide, because he said similar things about it that your ladyfriend did. Leave her immediately. She has no need for the site - just a little hoe.

[aWes0MeNeSs]

I would leave. At least you found out sooner rather than later.

[mrcov28]

Ask her why? I also would walk away..
The lady I'm seeing now we met on a dating site. After a week she deleted her account and told me.
I asked her why and she said what's the point when she is getting to know me. I also deleted my account and she said I didn't have too.
Hint for all... that was a test to see if I would keep my account active. We both showed each other our account was deleted.
My main reason deleting my account is to focus on her.
Having my account active will only lead to distractions and interfere with getting to know my lady.

[Jamie05rhs]

I call bullshit on that. Even if she's telling the truth and she is only looking for friends. She's gathering backup candidates; that's what she's doing. That's some shady shit, if y'all are actually official now and in a real relationship. If she wants more friends, she can meet them somewhere other than a dating site. Guys don't go on dating sites to make friends.

So again, she could just be legitimately naive and misguided (as a lot of women are.). But she could also be keeping her options open on purpose because she really isn't that into you. Either consciously or subconsciously. But regardless, I think she should stop doing that if she wants to be with you. I think that's a legitimate request for you to make.

[LightEnd]

Get outta there. If you find yourself in a position to have to FORCE someone to do what they should have already done then you will just continue to be in that position over and over again.

She is keeping her options open in case a better guy comes along, better looking, more money etc etc. Your just the best one for now. You need some red pills.

[LightEnd]

At the very least she should have changed her profile to: in a relationship and just looking for friends. But even that is questionable. Super huge RED FLAG is waving right in front of your face.

Why are we men so blind to these things when we are committed to a woman. I have overlooked tons of res flags and boy did I end up paying in the long run.

[LightEnd]

I mean, if I come across a profile that says in a relationship just looking for friends and I see a bunch of cute/hot pictures my first assumption is: she is looking for something better and/or wants to frolic in the sheets.

If she meets some guy that is higher value than you she's gone.

[LightEnd]

You deserve respect. If she was the girl for you she would have done this on her own and she probably would have made you aware that she did and asked of you deleted yours.

[LightEnd]

Quit letting the little head overpower the big head on your shoulders.

[LightEnd]

Congratulations man. If you dont stand up for yourself, nobody else will.

[Anonymous]

Major red flag, those guys she's chatting to aren't "just friends", she's lining up orbiters/backup options.

Ditch her.

[Asker]

Back up plan like I am not good enough for her or that she thinks ill dump her at any minute?

[Opinion Owner]

If things end, either way she's not girlfriend material and being disrespectful.

[JustJen]

Looking for friends on a dating site? I don't think so. She wants to keep her options open and see if something better comes along.

[heyzeuspiece]

It would be okay if she honestly forgot, but how many “friends” does she need to meet? It’s a weird unrealistic answer, she’s obviously not committed to you.

[Agem123]

You said it yourself. She's playing you. Leave that bitch!!

[Shamalien]

Shes’s just playin the field lol she wants 20 backup dudes to choose from

[Chanel1981]

For starters you can't "make" her delete the dating app, just move on

[AynonOMouse]

If they are making NEW opposite gender friends then they aren't loyal in a relationship. Just leave.

[TacosRAwesome]

Dump her. Not only she's trying to cheat (or actually cheating) but she's bullshitting about it.

[Liam_Hayden]

Dump her. She is just using you till something she considers better comes along.

[Twalli]

Trust is built over time, before then you have to trust them on blind faith. If you don't, trust will be dr be built.

[Jamie05rhs]

You also have to refrain from giving the other person reasons not to trust you.

[Twalli]

@Jamie05rhs Yes, but everyone has their own quirks which will make you think they are cheating if you go into the relationship with the wrong attitude

[Jamie05rhs]

@Twalli. That's a legitimate point. You can't be overly paranoid.

[New_girl333]

Get rid - if she really liked you she wouldn’t be on it at all

[devilish-cutie]

you are not crazy, leave her

[Jmmmfi4]

Doesn't look good dude