If you are old enough to be dating but have never had a date. . . why not?

[OlderAndWiser]

. . . and her parents are worried about her!

When I was 15, I had no interest in dating; I was late in reaching some of my social milestones. Then I was in college and my life felt rather unsettled. The idea of dating made me feel anxious. I was certain that a girl would get bored with me in five minutes. I felt unattractive and I also suffered from chronic depression.

I had all the excuses to not date but, at age 16, I started dating. It was sporadic at first but gradually became more regular until I was dating as much as the people around me. At age 65, I have probably had a first date with at least 200 different women and I am very comfortable with going to meet someone for a first date.

I'm not a superhuman. It didn't require a superheroic effort. I just told myself that if I was ever going to have a reasonably normal life and find a partner, I needed to suck it up and force myself to get past all the excuses.

I've asked several questions here recently about dating and I am surprised at the number of users in their late teens and twenties who have never been on a date, or they went on one date three years ago. So. . . this question's for you. Why haven't you dated? What's your excuse?

I have no interest in dating. I'm asexual.

I am too busy with school, work, family, etc.

I am waiting until I feel more settled in my life.

I want to date but I have social anxiety that is crippling.

I am too boring and no one would want to date me.

I am too ugly and no one would want to date me.

I have a physical or mental condition and no one would want to date me.

[KBird]

I didn't start dating until I was in my first year of University. I was completely turned off by men (boys actually) and didn't trust them throughout high school due to bullying. Im lean, but I have a curvy body. The guys in my school decided to make a nickname for me called "the ass", and it wasn't for me but for my actual butt. They would call me this to my face, and touch me inappropriately, and then they would talk about it behind my back. There was a private chatroom a guy friend showed me where the other guys in school would rank the girls, discuss who was hot, who was not, and what to do about them. "The ass" came up multiple times, and I was disgusted with what they said about it or what they would do with it. I reported this, and it was taken care of, but I was traumatized by it, and didn't know who to trust. I shut myself out of social circles in high school and became a loner, which I was cool with for awhile. But then when I decided to try to become friends with a guy in my class, he took a simple "hey", and thought that meant: "I wanna bang". In which I then crawled deeper into my hole.

High school sucked for me, but once I graduated and went to University, I started to trust people a lot more. Everyone matured (mostly), and now Im dating very regularly (except for Covid) :P.

[lanadelrey25]

Because no one I've met is attractive enough to want to be with sexually, sorry

[OlderAndWiser]

Why are you apologizing?

[lanadelrey25]

Bc it sounds really shallow, but the whole point to dating is kind basing it off of looks and then going from there, but i still feel bad.

[OlderAndWiser]

Dating is about finding a romantic partner and that includes sex. There is no point in dating someone who you would never want as a sexual partner. And what is attractive to us is not something that we consciously decide. I am particularly attracted to petite women with cute faces, small boobs, and small butts, and foreign-born women. I don't know why those groups attract me; I can't explain it. It's just the way it is. We are animals and that is part of being an animal! Nobody ever sits down and thinks about it and then decides what is going to be considered attractive to them. Unfortunately, some of your contemporaries are big SJW/virtue signalers and they would lke us to forget all of that and pretend that we can choose to whom we are attracted so that we can make the "right" PC choices. What a bunch of happy horse manure!

[lanadelrey25]

Well, you took the words right outta my mouth. Well said

[lanadelrey25]

thanks for MHO!

[Cynicaldreamer]

Because I've never been asked out on a proper date.
When I was in school, I was the shy, fat, geeky kid. Other than my close friends, no one spoke to me. I never went out on weekends- which didn't really bother me, as I was happy at home watching tv, reading, or doing my own thing.

Honestly, I wasn't even interested in guys until I was 17 or 18, when I had my first crush... he friendzoned me to date another girl he liked 🤦‍♀️

And so began the first, of MANY times, I got rejected and friendzoned.

But at this point in my life, I'm so used to being alone and single, I'm content that way. So I no longer bother trying to date: it's more trouble than it's worth.

[Avicenna]

OK, I’ll gladly take you out on a date

[Cynicaldreamer]

Really now? You know you shouldn't ask out someone you barely know- that's bold of you sir.

Besides, I refuse to date anyone on here, no offense. You actually asked that question last week I believe and I stated why; it is less drama.

[Avicenna]

Relax, we aren’t each other‘s type, so this would have just been a friendly date to enjoy. But I respect what you want
Now you can’t say a guy didn’t ask you out on a date...

[john0372]

Not dating anyone on here is for the best, for good reason.

[john0372]

It seems we can relate to this! I was the same way really apart from a few things. I also never went out on the weekends even to this day lol. In high school, I was usually always at home doing my own thing as well like being on the computer or going outside near my house. I was always doing my own thing and I guess you could say I was a bit of a loner and it was pretty much all of my life, never bothered me.

[CaptainOverthink]

Firstly, I live in Sweden so we don't really have a dating-culture here. It's not the norm to ask people out, it happens but usually and as far as I've heard its considered a bit weird unless you're living in s larger city.
Here we sort of go for friendship as an excuse yo get close to someone.. but its obviously not that.

But for me its a longer story as to why I never see anyone.

I've always been that guy that falls in love way too fast and when I was 15 I fell for the first time. We were friends for a long time, I don't know why I didn't move forward, asking to be boyfriend/girlfriend at that time, I was blind.
I had a lot of pressure from friends to never show emotion or weakness, so I was reluctant to admit I cared and long story short, I never did. This started a 8-year depression for me. During which I happhazardly repeated my misstake a few times, I got their hopes up and was too weak to try, I thought very negatively about myself, I hated myself.

Then I found new friends at 21, they brought me out of the Woods at 23, got a good job, experienced high self-esteem for the first time and felt as if I was ready to really try to find someone, to move on. Fell instantly for a girl at work.. I was a bit awkward and was otherthinking way too much and was labled creepy, rumors went and my inexperience and failures of trying got me witchhunted, lost my job after only 9 months. I never touched her or said anything mean to her but I stared way too much.
After that came a short depression of 2 years, I came out fine and very much stronger in myself but I've had servere anxiety around potentially romantic situations ever since, every time I either suspect someone has feelings for me or I for them it triggers anxiety so bad I have to remove myself or I get crippled and turn inward, I stop talking.

I've been trying for years to expose myself to these situations as often as possible to overcome it and step by tiny step I'm getting closer. But still a virgin.

I am used to be alone now, I've become a very sociable person and I have a lot of very good friends across the country but I'm alway the self-elected outsider. People who know me are baffled I'm never 'dating' anyone. I don't look at all bad, I'm smart and socially quick and witty, am generous and cares genuinly for others as long as there are no romantic vibes.
Which there inevitably are pretty much everywhere I go, a glance can be enough to get me overthinking and utterly paranoid.

Trying hard to not see potential in anyone and to reject kindly at the first sign if its in a place where I its likely we'll see eachother again like workplaces and school/courses, its not worth stirring up drama and ruining my future over it.

The worst part about todays society is that you're not allowed to make misstakes. You get social punishment beside the consequences of failing. The ones who judge don't understand that to learn you have to be allowed to make a fool out of yourself and that should be punishment enough but to be pointed out as a potential rapist for acting creepy (which is same as inexperienced usually).

This is one reason why, I think, many men today is struggling to fill the traditional role men used to have. In learning, they where traumatised by mobs of people chasing them off with baseless accusations.
I think its time we started accepting society seeing us as the arbitrary bad guy, until we learn to walk the thin line there's really nothing to do about it.

[SpiderManFan2002]

I just really don't care about dating. I'd much rather focus on other things such as my studies, my friendships, time with my family, and other stuff like that.

I just think there's so much more to accomplish while I'm young rather than dating someone, I don't really have any motivation to date anyone.

I remember when I was 13, and a teacher said to me and my group of friends at the time: "When you reach 16/17-years-old you will start to get into some really serious relationships"

And I guess for some of my friends now, that's pretty true, but not for me. I really just don't want to, for me personally I just feel like it's an uncessecary distraction really. I mean at around Novemeber time last year, this dude at college was hinting he had a crush on me, all my friends were saying he did, and that just turned out to be a huge stress and distraction within itself, because I didn't like him back, but I didn't wanna hurt his feelings, and it all felt really awkward I had to spend a lot of time avoiding him, I even hid under a table once to avoid the dude, and at one point he could just not take a hint, and I just couldn't focus on my work and I ended up putting my head on my desk and crying luckily I was home alone that day lol- but that wasn't even a relationship lol that was just someone who probably had a crush on me, and the amount of distraction that came with that- I can't imagine how distracting dating someone would be.

So perhaps when I'm older, but certainly not anytime soon unless a miracle occurs or something lol

[john0372]

Definitely understandable, I have a lot of things I need to focus on so relationships are out of the question for me, lol.

[Minerate]

I've always put it off for various reasons.

High school was too early, with school, figuring myself and life out and moving away eventually for college. Was a pretty awkward person tbh, but I knew most relationships wouldn't be very long term.

College was the same, school took up a lot of time, was largely broke and it was short and would result in moving away for my 1st job.

1st Job: I barely made enough to live and didn't have any free money to do anything. (No bars, no restaurants, no fun really except for a few console games and WoW/SWTOR)

2nd job: I was doing better financially, paying off debts, started saving... just never really got out much. Went to a gym, practiced some martial arts/mma... got a lot heathier physically.

Current Job: I'm doing a lot better financially, got a job I love and am working on getting a 1st house... but now I'm in my early 30s and have absolutely 0 experience with dating/romance/flirting, etc. ((I am not exaggerating about having 0 experience either.) Also I've been single for so long, I'm almost afraid it's too late to start and I WILL make a ton of mistakes/problems because of this that most likely won't tolerate.
I've become so self-sufficient and used to being alone, I'm honestly not sure how I could open up enough to ever have a date or relationship.

[Nxtawm]

Voted A since its the closest. I got two reasons, parents, and my own lack of interest in the people I meet.
My parents don't want me to date at all until I finish college, their idea is that it distracts me from school (tho like my mom doesn't even like me hanging out with friends outside of school, she also says I don't need them as they distract me from school). They say it's not too late if I wait until after college. 😂 Ofc I'm not gonna listen cause I'm not gonna wait till I'm 24+. So aside from them being against it, I don't date much cause I personally don't find most guys attractive/interesting enough to like them romantically. It's hard for me to click with a guy and usually when I try talking to one it either ends up in friendship or it just gets exhausting cause it's boring.

[OlderAndWiser]

Are you going to college away from home?

[Nxtawm]

Yeah, not far tho prob just 30 min or an hour from my city.

[OlderAndWiser]

Will you be living away from home?

[Nxtawm]

For sure, need the experience of living away from home and having some independence in my life before reality hits lol

[OlderAndWiser]

When you get away from your parents, EVERYTHING (almost everything) will change.

[Nxtawm]

Well yeah and mine are pretty strict so a lot gon change

[OlderAndWiser]

Don't let yourself get intoxicated with the freedom. It is easy to fall into that trap.

[thecharmander21]

My outlook on this has completely changed over the last year. I'm in my 3rd year of college and have never been on a date yet.

Basically during high school I had a crush almost exclusively on one girl who I thought was way more pretty than everyone else but of course she was the one I never had the balls to approach and everyone else compared to was not worth it.

Fast forward to college I become Christian and I now am going to save myself (sexually) for marriage and will also be dating to find a wife. So far I thought there was someone I really had a connection with but she dated someone else in the end. I'm over it though just waiting for the right person. The dating pool is significantly reduced for Christians so I'm just waiting for the special someone. I do feel pretty confident around women now so I'm sure I'll find someone I like now.

[OlderAndWiser]

The good thing about the dating pool is that you only need to find one woman!

[N192K001]

I was way too busy studying.

Besides, (until the latter half of my university-years) I was forbidden by my parents. Even after their external bans were lifted, I erected my own internal, since I saw no point if I had no car to my name, no savings earned by the sweat of my own brow, no degree, and no job. By the time I already had those things, the sheer mind-blown shock of the foundational truth always true until that time ("Courtship in not an option.") that kept me cool no matter who I interacted-with no matter what the level of attractiveness suddenly being false flipped my social-world and resulted in social disaster whose aftermath affects me to this day, though to a lesser extent than before. Even with me voluntarily re-instating the ban, the toothpaste is already out of the tube.

[nopedydoo]

I've made my move on 2 guys and have gotten rejected by both.
there was one recently that we kind of started dating (we went on one date)? but i dont think he actually liked me so i ended things (its not self destruction, i genuinely think so. as soon as summer hit and he wasn't bored in quarantine and had better things to do he pretty much stopped texting me and never made an effort to see me)

so thats why i picked ugly and no one will want to date me :)
i want to date but it looks like no one wants to date me

[john0372]

SAME here lol. Literally the same situation as well. I didn't date anyone who looked out of my league for a reason, but nobody out of my league wanted to date me anyway ;) Most of them were not good people anyway so that doesn't bother me.

[Kurαȷ]

I don't date because it's not my preferred way of getting to know people.

I guess it's important to define what we mean by "date".
I've never went to have coffee or something with someone in order to establish whether there is any romantic interest between me and the semi-stranger, that's just not an efficient way of using my time, in my opinion.

I've been in relationships, it just so happens that none of them had a "dating" phase.
It was all people I knew from my friend circles, whether online or in real life, with whom I have established romantic connections without purposefully going out of my way to do so.

When I say I don't "date", I mean to say that I'm not going out of my way to get to know others with the intent to establish a romantic connection.
But I won't turn one down, if it happens my preferred way, which is not dating.

[brennanhuff]

Maybe some might find dating boring and don't want that part in their life yet? Some might feel hook ups or hang outs as more exciting, and want a social adventure, than one on one getting to know each other, which can be great but only if you're ready for that part of your life.

[OlderAndWiser]

Yeah, I can guess many possible explanations for why people don't date, but the question is why YOU don't date.

[brennanhuff]

I've dated, I have mixed feelings of it. Sometimes it's nice, sometimes meh, and even though I've done it before I don't know if I'm ready for it. Well I don't want to date now especially with covid and I rather wait to things get normal than, being distant with a date, and all these precautions which takes away or more of an obstacle for chemistry and good sexual tension. I hate this fucking year with a passion.

The one thing that's helped me though is confidence as far as taking more chances in other ways. Anxiety has always been something I had to deal with. I have a good belief in myself, but a mind that thinks way too much and over think things to where I haven't taken as many chances as I should have. But weird thing is I was progressing before covid, but like covid jumped me much faster with progression as weird as that sounds. I mean it was a perspective I should have always had because rejection is not a big deal or something awkward or embarassing or someong being as asshole to you. There's so much worse stuff, but like for me, until you literally are dealing with crap, that this perspective came for me. Like I don't give a fuck anymore (in a good way). Oh I talked a girl and she was mean to me or something embarassing for me... yeah that sucks, but oh well, doesn't compare to the giant strap on Covid has fucked in everyones fucking ass, so in perspective, these things both me much less. So as a result taking chances that I didn't before or more so. It's weird this year has made me so mentally exhausted that I'm less bothered by such things than ever before which was preventing me from taking chances which caused me to have few dates. Living in a small city doesn't help either. But I'm branching out and doing more stuff in a bigger city that seems like it may help eventually, once things get better and I put effort into dating post-covid.

[OlderAndWiser]

No doubt, covid-19 restrictions blow dead bears!

[brennanhuff]

oh by the way I hate dating apps so unfortunately that might've been an outlet during this time that hasn't worked. Women flake or maybe women my age range use it more for instagram likes and validation that to actually meet someone. The matches would be sporadic and the few that seemed to go well, would go well until trying to meet up and then stop talking. And I sometimes would get impatient and pay for a month where you could see your likes, as stupid apps would have your swipe though but never bring up the women who liked you to see if you'd match with them or swipe left on them. I had some where I had 17 likes back in April, but I should've known, 15 of the women were quite unattractive and two other were fake profiles. I also don't like how dating apps form this alternate reality like you're less attractive than you are. I don't just swipe on pretty women, but maybe average looking ones if they got a interesting profile. But it's weird how dating apps make pretty women, not super hot women, but pretty women seem unattainable, where you figure they won't match with you. When I've had gfs as pretty or prettier than such women. Or been checked out, flirted with and women prettier or as pretty, women googly eyed at me irl without me talking to them, so personality not affecting that and just pure visuals. I have personality so I don't mind being admire for the physical as I know I bring as much via personality and then some compared to physical.

[brennanhuff]

yes it has, but I hope to keep this perspective I've had during covid and to continue it when things get back to normal. I think I will though, I just feel it inside which is great. There'a freedom to not care or care less to how people respond to you. My buddy who is in a serious relationship but did well with women in his younger years when he was single. He had a gift of gab, but he didn't care (in the good way) and as a result it was no surprise had attracted a lot of women. I'm not an extrovert like him but he told me it too and I knew it myself. But I was my own worst enemy, I had all the qualities to attract women, but I let my mind get in the way.

[OlderAndWiser]

I haven't heard a young person use the expression "googly eyes" in decades. It comes from a song "Barney Google," written in 1923 and popular in the 1920's and 30's.
https://youtu.be/03SMVwTnEsk
Listen to the refrain starting around 0:22.

[brennanhuff]

well I use it to be funny, because it's like a wide eyed, you're attractive look someone makes.

[OlderAndWiser]

Don't know if this link will work, but this is Barney Google.

[Hangry22]

It's hard to be near a guy who thinks of you "that" way. I am an over thinker and I analyse each and every action or words of that person. I hate being with people who I am not close with one on one. I feel like i can't be myself and needs to compose myself all the time. I did rather spend that valuable time watching kdramas

[john0372]

I'm the same way. Except I don't watch kdramas lol

[Maysexy]

It is never too late to start dating. Now is the best age and time. If it feels too boring, or can't find someone to date. You can try some dating apps to find your favorite. My friends are also looking for some interested boys on the cougr to chat and meet.

[SphynxUK]

I was ( and still am) not interested in dating. I was 19 on my first.
After a marriage ended in 2015, I simply stayed single with no dates and no intention of meeting anyone.
Someone came out of the blue last year. If that hadn’t happened, I’d still be single.
Of course, it wasn’t all about my choices. No one ever really asked me out on a date. Barely even spoke to me, let alone approached me.

[john0372]

Same here, nobody would approach me or ask me on a date either. LMAO

[Lionman95]

There are many reasons and the most important is that I don´t feel a need to. I wouldn´t say I´m asexual I´m just not good at starting a conversation. I wouldn´t know what to talk about. Another reason that dating isn´t easy because online and offline dating is equally complicated both takes much time. Also I´ve feel like I´m not settled yet in my personality and I´m still studying. A relationship is a bonding I´m not ready for and I don´t want something short term. I don´t like open relationships and ONS because in this case I´m more traditional.
Moreover I tried dating and I got rejected some times, so I prefer being single to being and looking for a relationship just to be in a relationship.

[Jltakk]

People need to realize that there are those that didn't choose not to date. Girls didn't want to be anything more than friends, I was the funny guy, and not much more to them. Even the ones I were closest with and felt the strongest connection with just couldn't shake the friend image off. Its not a slight on them, or you, but just understand that "game" doesn't apply to everyone. w

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, I get it. Most people who would embrace that explanation would choose options E, F, or G.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a combination of A, B, E& F. First of all, I've never been particularly attracted to guys and few guys would be ok with being in a platonic relationship. Also, I'm not conventionally attractive, guys never really found me attractive and I'm not willing to change to fit in (wear makeup, dress in a ladylike, do my hair etc.). While I'm not boring per se, I think my interests and hobbies are different than that of most girls; I'm a weird person.. Lastly, I'm too busy living life, so I don't have time to be in a commited relationship, it's too energy draining..
In a nutshell: I never really cared and guys don't care either.

Anyway, I think things were different, when you were young. Back then people were pressured to date and get married from a very young age and anyone who didn't, was looked down by society

[OlderAndWiser]

I think the differences between my generation and yours are exaggerated. You have much more access to technology, but the boy likes girl game hasn't really changed.

[Opinion Owner]

Yea I agree, but people don't wanna settle down anymore, because they think they have lots of options, or they're just too social awkward to ask someone out.. Also, celibacy is no longer viewed as a negative thing

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, marriage rates are at a historic low, but divorce rates have also declined, so it may be that people are just not rushing into doomed marriages and those who do get married are more dedicated to remaining married. Also, It has become socially acceptable to have children out of wedlock (which I think is a horrible trend.)

[tartaarsaus]

I feel no intrinsic motivation to date and have never felt it. Don’t know why, but I don’t. My friends want to arrange blind dates and all sort of stuff for me but I’m just not interested. It’s putting me more of dating than motivating me to date to be honest.


Also, I intend on moving to Italy or the UK and live there for multiple years. Can’t really be bothered to start something here. That said, that’s only something that has developed in the last month.

[blutwolfe]

Between working all the time/financial issues and covid, kinda laying off dating until it blows over. Not to getting my health back in check would be beneficial if I wanna live past 30

[OlderAndWiser]

So you haven't had more than one date in your lifetime?

[blutwolfe]

Oh I've had plenty of dates I'm just taking a break for a while, felt like I'd throw in my two cents

[confusedgamer]

For me mostly that I'm not good at meeting new people, and I'll be too quiet. Plus my confidence in talking with girls I might crush on, is low, really low. Plus, I don't have a crush on anyone I know. And getting to know new people is hard for me

[jamesgoldman]

I'm too busy what with the 70 hour weeks and that's before you get into health condition bingo along being out of shape, being old

[OlderAndWiser]

Old?

[jamesgoldman]

I'm not a left wing vaping vegan and that dominates the market right now