Should I stop dating him? is he still not over his ex?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been dating this guy since October and almost every date / FaceTime call he mentions one of his ex’s. I get that they were a big part of his life, but I told him it makes me uncomfortable recently, and almost directly after he told me he wrote a song about both of them and that he was gonna post it and he wanted to let me know.

He hasn’t posted it yet, it’s been more than a week since he told me, but it really bothers me knowing we’re dating and he could still be not over them. I’ve been almost too understanding and now feel like my feelings aren’t being considered, I need to say something but are these red flags too big to move past?

He’s expressed he regretted bringing them up so much, and we haven’t talked in a week, things are weird, I don't know what to do

[CallMeDave]

How long ago were these relationships? If one of them just ended very recently before you started dating him, I can kind of understand that he still needs some time to process that and that he would still be thinking about her fairly often. Almost every date/Facetime call seems a bit excessive though even in that case. For any relationships that have been over for at least 6 months, I would be concerned about him still thinking about an ex that often. Occasionally when something reminds him of her is normal (and that will probably last for a long time), but I don't think it should be as often as it sounds like it is.

Also, what do you know about this song? Is it an adoring song (like how much he misses them) or a more critical song (like why he's glad they broke up)? If it's an "I miss you" kind of song, I'd be more concerned, but even a critical song is a little concerning if they've been broken up for a while.

Aside from mentioning the exes a lot, how does he treat you? Do you think he really cares about you and that you're the most important woman to him now? My opinion is that after 3 months you should be, so if you're not then I think that's definitely a warning sign.

When he talks about these exes, how does he talk about them? If it's "I'm so glad you're better than she was" type of comments, that's not too bad, but if it's just "she and I used to do this" or "I miss doing this with her" kinds of comments that's a much bigger concern.

[Asker]

He has 2 ex’s. He has a high school ex girlfriend, who’s family is friends w his family, so they see each other during holidays and vacations (which is quite often) and I know they had to have been together for at least 2 years and his recent ex girlfriend, who I guess things ended w a month before October when we met and they were together for 3 years. So not that much time has passed, he seems like he jumps from relationship to relationship which worries me.

He told me the song is about still loving his ex’s but learning and moving on? I was put on the spot and I was so surprised it was hard to process everything he said. But he told me after I don’t need to worry about him going back to them. But just because he won’t go back or cheat doesn’t mean he’s over them.

Aside from the exes, he’s respectful, kind, very open, we feel so comfortable around each other and he makes me feel loved and adored. This is why I’m having such a hard time. He has made me a priority in the past, I’m just worried his emotions and thoughts after the breakup are catching up.

When he mentions them it’s always on topic or providing context to the background of his life, but sometimes it’s meaningless details within a story they’re in that I could’ve gone without knowing. He’s never verbally compared us, he doesn’t speak I’ll of them, he still has them both on all his socials, and the recent one still comments and likes his photos.

It’s a very odd situation, and I guess I’m just wondering if I back out for my own protection, or ask him directly if he isn’t ready.

[CallMeDave]

If he's "respectful, kind, very open, we feel so comfortable around each other and he makes me feel loved and adored" then my opinion is that you shouldn't give that up easily. That sounds very good and is not always easy to find.

I'm not worried about him still being connected with them on social media. I'm still connected with a couple of my exes and my girlfriend is connected with some of hers too. As long as those interactions don't go beyond friendship level, I don't think that's a problem.

Mentioning them in normal conversation and on topic doesn't worry me too much either (though if he's bringing up things that are trivial and don't really add anything to his explanation of whatever he's talking about that's a little bit concerning). My girlfriend and I talked quite a bit about our exes with each other when we first started dating. We were both coming out of long marriages and so our exes were still very much in our minds. We were both clear however that we were done with those relationships and didn't want to go back so that wasn't a concern really for either of us.

I do understand your concern though. Writing a song about still loving them and talking about them as much as he does makes me think he's not really over them and I understand why you would be concerned about that.

Based on all you've said, my opinion is that there's so many positives in your relationship that you should stick with it at this point, but keep an eye on what goes on with those exes and whether he seems to be making progress toward getting completely over them. I don't really think you should confront him about it at this point either. Telling him that it's bothering you how often he talks about them as you've done will hopefully be enough.

Feel free to ask more questions as you try to decide what to do - either here or by private message. I'll try to help you work though it if I can.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your feedback, it’s been so truly helpful!

I’m still unsure if I should talk about it more with him though. It feels big enough that I should but I also want to trust him and what he’s said to me. Though it’s a hard boundary for me that if he’s not over them, I don’t wanna move forward, that isn’t fair to me while I’ve been moving fully forward w just him.

He said he wanted a relationship w me and I want one w him too, some people tell me to just be direct but others say just watch and listen, actions speak louder than words and if I confront him it could make things too serious.

I really appreciate ur perspective though, I feel calmed a bit more.

[CallMeDave]

I think at this point, based on what you've said, I agree with the wait and listen approach. It doesn't sound like he's ignoring you or being distant with you or spending time with them rather than you, so at this point I think it's just something to keep an eye on rather than something that needs to be addressed immediately.

I understand what you're saying and why it's bothering you, but overall he seems like a good partner from what you've said and I think if you make too much of it now, you could damage the relationship.

Certainly if it continues a lot longer or he seems to not be getting closer and more committed to you, then you might need to have a serious discussion about it. I'd just be worried about doing it right now because if it really isn't a long term problem, it would be a shame to get him upset with you about it and damage what potentially could be a good relationship.

[Paris13]

He has not moved on from them and you are a rebound he is not serious enough to be with as his own. He is playing his violin to whatever tune you do to keep him around.

[Paris13]

Thanks to Gag. xx