Are my dating standards too high?

[TomGarand]

OK, here's the thing. I asked in one of my previous questions how common pure tomboys are. You know, tomboys who don't like girly things, pretty much only do guy things? Sports, gaming, you name it. And no, I am NOT talking about lesbians, or butches or studs.

And according to some of the answers I got, tomboys who don't have a girly side are hella rare. I feel like my dating standards were too high.

The thing with me is, I find masculine traits in women more attractive than feminine traits, and my ex-girlfriend (and my ex-friend with benefits) was WAY more like a guy than a girl. She liked the same things I liked, she was good at fighting, she loved horror movies and Call of Duty, and was a little bit into guns. A lot of guys would likely reject her if she was still like that, but her male traits was a turn-on for me.

For me personally, the ideal woman is basically a total tomboy. I'd prefer to date/marry a woman who I could do guy things with. Play CoD: Black Ops Cold War with, watch action or horror movies with, go hunting or wrestle with, you know the drill. And one of my ex-GF and ex-FWB's masculine traits was that they were aggressive. So... aggression is attractive to me as well.

My question is, are my expectations in dating too high? Am I in the wrong for wanting to date a pure tomboy (AKA, one who isn't girly)?

(And for @ShadezMcgee in particular, is something wrong with me for not really seeing the appeal in feminine traits?)

[Apope16]

What you are looking for is RARE but it does not mean your dating standard is necessarily too high. It is just rare. Every woman has a girly side to them I suppose. There are some tomboys that are very masculine but many of them are lesbian.

My advice to you is to go on an online dating site and specifically narrow your target to women who are "Queer" or "Bisexual". I think you will get some attractive finds. I say this as a guy who has dated dominant women and a guy who has had sex with bisexual and queer women. It is a sexy thing.

[TomGarand]

So you don't think I got a problem? And what were the dominant women you dated like, personality-wise?

[ShadezMcgee]

Dude, there is nothing wrong with not liking feminine traits in women especially if you are a man who prefers more masculine women. That is YOUR preference. Not mine, not anyone else's, yours.

I will be honest and say that most women I know that are full 100% masculine and tomboy are either lesbians or considered as a bro for most men, not one we would be in a relationship with, but a good business partner kind of deal.

Hell, my girlfriend is a tomboy and enjoys masculine things, but she loves to be a woman and look good for me per her own admission, even showing herself in lingerie. She doesn't want the power despite her tomboy nature. She wants to be able to have fun and enjoy me leading the relationship, which I prefer.

Like I said, YOUR preference, YOUR choice, bro. If you want that, go for it. Just may be very hard to find a woman you described. You have your standards, stick with them and follow them.

[TomGarand]

Huh. Interesting. Well, as for my friend and her sister whom I've told you about, I started talking to him again. He and his sister are doing okay, although their uncle died. My nigga himself never liked his uncle, because he was kind of a dick.

Right now, he's busy writing some stories with his friend. I offered him a place in one of my team of Yugitubers--YouTubers whose content focuses mainly or exclusively on Yu-Gi-Oh, especially the real life card game--and he said he's up for it once he gets the equipment needed for YouTube.

I actually have a previous question on here, asking how people like you feel about the Yu-Gi-Oh! trading card game.

[TomGarand]

And how common are pure tomboys, anyway? That's why I thought my standards were too high.

[ShadezMcgee]

Well, I am familiar with Yu-Gi-Oh, it is not something I am a diehard fan for. I remember the anime and card game when I was a kid in middle school, but lost interest in it.

I can't say for sure. Your best bet would be to look for clubs that are enjoyed by both men and women that you enjoy to possibly run into one. I met my girl online and we just happened to have a good amount in common in terms of hobbies, passions and family.

Pure tomboys I don't know for sure how common they are because I didn'tactiveky look for a woman like that because I didn't want to be in a power struggle or end up in a strained relationship because I don't like fully dominant or aggressive women because of the women I grew up around with my mother and sister being like that and it just drained me and pissed me. ofd dealing with them. I am just giving my point of view from what I experienced and learned. Your standard are your standards. I would say you are limiting your options, but you are staying true to what you want.

[TomGarand]

... Your mom and sister were like that? Holy shit.

My friend's sister is the matriarch out of 5 or 6 kids. But she was a genuinely good leader, both to them and her ex-boyfriend (I've told you about them). She was respectful to all of them and never emasculated them or lorded over them like a tyrant. She's really good to my friend, even if they do prank and tease each other a lot. In fact, their youngest sibling (A girl), is turning out to be a lot like her, even being a bit bossy. Hopefully, she'll be a good leader in the future too.

But YOU? After hearing about your mom and sister... damn, bro. I'm sorry to hear about your childhood.

[ShadezMcgee]

When I say tomboy I mean tomboy in general, I didn't mean my Mom and Sister 100%, so let me be clear with that quick. My mom and sister are very stubborn and enjoy masculine things despite having femininity, but their attitudes were cut throat and below the belt, and they made it a point to humiliate or criticize everything I tried to do or pursue because I enjoyed it (didn't matter if they were wrong or ignorant of the concept, they would twist words around and be condescending in an attempt win the arguments and kill my confidence. I was never "right" always wrong and ignorant) and it made me form a strong resentment towards masculine women in general which is why I don't want anything to do with them in terms of dating only business, because I don't want a reminder of my mom or sister. I love them both and will do whatever it means to protect them if it comes down to it, but I have no desire to be with a woman who will pull that shit.

I have gotten much better now through therapy, but am still climbing hurdles to play catch up where I need to be as a man.

[TomGarand]

I meant that they were disrespectful towards you. I never said anything about them being masculine or feminine.

[ShadezMcgee]

Ah, I thought we were still talking in tomboy context. That was why I clarified what I meant, just in case.

[TomGarand]

And your mom and sister have given you no apology, nor are they making any efforts to change? If not, you should not be protecting them.

[ShadezMcgee]

No, no, this was when I was growing up. Things have leveled out a lot more and gotten better after I moved out. We get along fine now. We still have disagreements, but in this case, I realized a couple of things.

My mother said what she said because I was living under her roof until I moved out and started providing for myself. My sister just has anger issues and is short tempered in general and gets nasty when she is on the losing side of an argument. She hates losing and doesn't like getting it dished back in return. I have grown myself and gotten more confident and figured out how to deal with them my own way.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Nah, those are pretty common, I think. Maybe it's because I'm a tomboy myself, but I have several female friends who'd be into that sort of thing.

Just spend time doing social versions of those hobbies (join a firearms club, etc) and you'll find them.

But endlessly asking online without actually trying to find connection irl is just gonna land you back at this square zero space.

[TomGarand]

So you have several female friends who don't have a girly side?

And I do know that last part. I actually do wanna put myself out there. But I can't really find connections right now due the lockdowns still being in effect in my state. Plus, I worry that if I do exercise to gain muscle--I only considered working out because I wanna get under 125 pounds again--practically all of the women who notice are going to be feminine and submissive. Basically, the majority of women.

Finally, I don't know if any tomboys who are pretty much always in their masculine are gonna be OK with a man who prefers for women to be dominant in their relationships. But I do know that most FEMININE women are not into that.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Yeah. I was mostly friends with dudes growing up and made friends with other girls who preferred the company of dudes. Or at least were less into traditionally girly shit.

Body type is a personal preference, but for me as a tomboy I want someone with muscle on them. I love karate and sparring and if my partner can't spar with me for fun, I'm much less interested. I want someone able to keep up with my active hobbies like martial arts and rock climbing. A physically soft man without muscle doesn't really inspire desire or confidence for me.

But again, that's my personal preference. Perhaps others feel differently.

It is definitely tough to establish connections during COVID. But maybe you can identify groups and clubs you want to check out, reach out to them and see if they're doing any online gatherings. If they're not, offer to run one.

Possibilities are only limited if your imagination is limited.

[neverendingloops]

If you're looking for the 'perfect' partner then yes, your standards probably too high. If you're looking for something unbelievably specific then the odds are you'll never find it. Much more likely to find someone that has as many of the qualities you want in a partner as possible and not be too hung up on their perceived flaws quite so much. Good luck!

[TomGarand]

Well, not exactly perfect, but just a tomboy who's not girly. That's what I meant. Some of the women on here are that, and one of my female followers has a friend who's exactly that.

Still think I should open myself up to the ones who have a feminine side?

[neverendingloops]

I think you need to ask yourself whether you'd expect them to accept traits of your own that they might not deem as perfect because the rest of you made up for a happy relationship. If the answer is yes then you should accept the person for who they are.

[TomGarand]

Well, what about the lack of concern for feminine traits? Is that a problem that I have?

[JosyJosy]

I don't think it's wrong, you want what you want :p each and everyone of us has a preference

[TomGarand]

Well, I said I worried about it because according to you and others, most tomboys do have a feminine side.

[JosyJosy]

Ya that's what I think, like I love horror, gaming, sports, I watch ufc (poor mcgregor), gore, blood, broken bones doesn't gross me out, I'm not a fan of dresses or heels or skirts, BUT give me a kitten and I'll melt XD you know

[TomGarand]

I think most HUMANS would melt at the sight of a kitten. Or baby alligators and crocodiles, in my case. If you actually heard them, you'd know why.

[JosyJosy]

O yep that works too! :) as long as mom alligator isn't around at least

[TomGarand]

What did your more masculine friend say?

[JosyJosy]

About?

[TomGarand]

Coming on this site.

[JosyJosy]

Oh yeah she'll think about it, but when she does, I won't give you the name to see if you can actually find her lol cause it would be pretty hilarious to me if you'd think she's feminine and you'd just go over her like the others

[Avicenna]

Not too high, just not totally realistic

[TomGarand]

Wanting a tomboy who lacks a girly side? Well, some of the women I've seen on here were that.