Is this guy innocent or lustful?

[Anonymous]

My Spanish barista has a crush on me and I also used to find him cute. He wears a mask and looks really cute but I ve seen him a few times without the mask (from a distance and didn't really find him cute, except for once when I saw him leaving on the bike, and he looked good, I think it has to do with his beard, looks better clean shaved than with a beard and he's a bit short in height , I'm 5.1 and he's 5.4/5.5 at max) . Initially he used to notice me but did nothing more than that, then it progressed on to staring, then heavy staring and finally started making small talk with me which is how we started talking. He would come next to empty cash registers to chat and I had no option but to say hello and talk as it would be rude if I didn't.

Then he proceeded to be extra kind to me like giving me stuff for free. He would not charge me for a drink and he knows what I always order by heart. He saved my order from getting cancelled (as I wasn't able to get to the pick up counter) and he took the latte himself and kept it with him and gave it to me when I came to him to make the payment.

I was getting overwhelmed with so much generosity so I bought a thank you card and wrote to him how I really appreciate his kindness and sweetness and if he's interested, he can hang out after work. I didn't give my phone number as I wasn't sure if he was simply flirting for fun or wants something.
2 days ago, when I met him again, he took my order and told me that next time when I come, I can write my number and give it to me. I said OK sure and laughed. While I waited for my drink, he came again and told me you can give me your telephone number to which I again responded with sure and laughed.

I had not written it but now I have it with me on a paper. He hasn't come in work since the last 2 days as maybe he doesn't have shifts on those days.

Do you think this is OK? Or is he just young and desperate to go out with me?

[btbc92]

It's lustful. Guys flirt because they want sex from the women he finds sexually appealing. An innocent guy wants a friendship and then sees if romance (especially if he had no plans at it) is possible. This guy is making his interest very clear. And if your uncomfortable you shouldn't have given him your number. He is only like that because he wants a sexual relationship. Period. Be it dating or not, he wants sex. And it's not innocent.

[Asker]

But what about his caring attitude?

[Asker]

Though he actually didn't have any plans. Like I said he used to notice me but nothing more than that. Then it got progressive since he saw me without a mask

[btbc92]

Once you reject his advances his "caring" attitude will disappear alone with him so he can with another girl.

[Asker]

But i wasn't doing anything nor giving him much attention. He was the one always staring at me yet he has continued to give discounts/free stuff etc

[btbc92]

Asker, what he is doing is wrong. He is doing that to gain something out of you for favoritism. What he is doing can get him fired from his job. I highly suggest that you go to another place or when he is not on shift so as to not to feed this obsession he has because he will be expecting favors.

[Asker]

How does he have an obsession though? We only meet when he's at work?

[btbc92]

That's what they do. When he is doing that it's obsessive and hopes you want the same thing; sexually. It is not friendly.

[btbc92]

I have dealt similar when I first started working. There was a nice kid who worked at a resturant and t was his first job as it was mine where I worked. He would sometimes give me discounts and mind you be it if he liked me or not, he was NOT doing like what this guy is doing which is purely sexual, which means he is physically and sexually interested in you as again is lustful. However, the last time I've seen the guy is only within about 4 weeks into his job and then I found out he had to quit because of why? The same thing that I now told you.

[Asker]

But how can this be? I never responded to him and he went like a week without seeing me as his shifts have been cut and he still gave me items for free. I gave him the card after he told me I dont have to pay.

He's also been working here for like 10 months and his team mates are also Spanish and they treat him like a child. Do uou think he's really obsessive?

[btbc92]

He's telling you through his actions what he wants. Men do that and go through great lengths for the women they want, even sexually. He is telling you that he wants and has eyes on you, but as I told you before it is not friendly or innocent. He wants a sexual relationship and makes it well known through body language. If you don't reciprocate, you can expect those "special treatment" also to be gone too. When they get this friendly too quick, so will they grow cold and negative with you as quickly. Seen it before, experienced it before. Please don't get your hopes up with those kinds of guys. People who want to invest being friendly want to regardless. I grow weary of such men because every encounter has proven just that. Rarely have I had positive or decent experiences with guys who respect you and aren't lustful. You never be flirty nor reciprocate flirting because for a man and in a man's mind it is telling him: OMG, She likes/wants sex with me! Watch what you reciprocate and the message your sending. He wants your number because he wants a sexual relationship with you. If he asks you out it is to ensure he has sex with you. Again, you know nothing about this guy. But for men like that sexual and physical looks matter as does if you're nice and sexually receptive. That's it. It's about their ego. It is not about really getting to know you.

[btbc92]

Again, he is trying to please you. And he is that desperate to get you to like him and pick him. The more you take the more he will believe you want the same.

[Asker]

Also why do you feel like it's sexual? He hasn't really done anything creepy. He gives me the cups but has barely done anything sleazy. He does stare a lot and now won't charge me at times/flirts which I do feel he needs to conceal as he can get into trouble. But don't you think he's young and excited and doing all of this?

His working conditions aren't very good (the company he works at is very exploitative and the workers are miserable)

[btbc92]

That's one thing I can say my late mother taught me. "Never accept anything from people and you don't know why they are doing it. You don't know what message your sending." When they just give like that and you barely even know them or don't at all, sometimes if not almost always, it is ALSO with a PRICE. And he probably wants to date you so badly he is people-pleasing. But he sounds more like a player trying to prove something to others at his workplace and to gain for himself. It is not about you. But for him. That is what's selfish, because if you decline and reject dating them, then it will be about what they've done for you, how your a user, etc. Meanwhile who gave you all of that stuff without asking? Him.

[Asker]

But don't you think if he was desperate, he would act on it asap? He hasn't. This whole thing began in March and its May. Until I have him the card 2 days ago, he said and did nothing except make small talk, stare, give discounts that's it.

And just because he gets my number doesn't mean he ll get sex? What if we go on a date and don't get along? Or he doesn't like me or I don't? Getting number doesn't translate into sex?

[Asker]

He's already been scolded once for flirting with me i think as his co workers and floor managers saw him leave his work and come and chat to me about how beautiful the weather is. as he wouldn't speak to me other than just say hi and how are you. He also looked visibly upset but this week, seemed better.

[btbc92]

Asker. I don't have to think. I KNOW about men on that level. It is not what you think. Innocent guys don't do that, and no, him being young has nothing to do it. Which is why I told you not to. You don't flirt to be friendly, you do it to gain sexual partners. For men, they come to women for sex. Don't believe me? Go ask the men.

Asker, you are around my age and you don't know how this all goes yet? I never dated not once or been involved with a man, and is a virgin. I can tell that your either very naive or are not paying attention to what is going on around you. To clarify:

1. Men approach women for sex. Period. I know. Because I don't believe in premarital sex before marriage. Guess how many ran the opposite way? Do you need to guess?
2. I don't hand out my number to complete strangers. I have met those guys before, guess what happened when I said I will rather be friends first? "I ain't waiting to be your friend. I don't want to be friends. You ain't the only girl I can be with."
3. "But don't you think if he was desperate, he would act on it asap? He hasn't." Why should he, he already got your attention and knows you interested otherwise you wouldn't be obsessed with his attention towards you because you like the attention. Why? Because it's clear you never had a guy obsessed over you and find it flattering. That is how you get hurt.
"This whole thing began in March and its May. Until I have him the card 2 days ago, he said and did nothing except make small talk, stare, give discounts that's it." So? That doesn't mean anything. That is his way to gauge your interest and won't until he is certain you again want the same thing. He is going to be patient because he knows he will. He already got your attention.

[btbc92]

"And just because he gets my number doesn't mean he ll get sex? What if we go on a date and don't get along? Or he doesn't like me or I don't? Getting number doesn't translate into sex?" Asker, it means you end up with baggage and have another poor experience under your belt. You have to think about what is your intentions for being involved with men other than friendships. How serious do you take relationships and how much you value relationships. Now if you're the causal type, you do whatever makes you happy. ut if you want something serious, this is a sure way to misery and getting hurt. Guys won't take you seriously if your not. It is not about liking or not liking. Your not children. Your adults. You have started taking this seriously like one. I never give strangers my number nor do I like such men who flirt and do all of these "favors". I come to find that genuine guy work hard to be friends with people and if you happen to be somebody he wants to be friends with it grows over time on its own. Otherwise, dating guys like this one is about sexual attention. The question is what do ou believe? Premarital sex or not? If yes, what is the difference if you're going to sleep with a guy outside of marriage anyway? They won't see the difference. Again, this is coming from somebody who has been abused and shamed and mocked by men. And even respected by those who wished more women were like me. Their words, not mine. So pay attention.

What you allow is how you get treated.

[btbc92]

So what your telling me is proof enough. He doesn't care about his job. He rather flirts and hangs out with you because again he wants YOU. Period. He doesn't have a crush. He has an obsession. He doesn't treat other women and girls this right? No.

[Asker]

Well you haven't dated so how can I expect you to answer properly. That's not how it works. There's nothing wrong with premarital sex as sex is an integral part of human nature and if we love someone, we have to show affection. Marriage can't dictate when and how we have to show affection.

I have been with men before and I have had men be obsessed with ke which includes my ex boyfriend whom I still, dearly love. But he is gone from my life and will nebrf return, I'm sure of it. After his departure, several others have been interested in me but I never reciprocated as I wasn't interested.

This guy reminds me of my ex which is why I had a crush on him. And I honestly don't believe he's so manipulative. He's definitely a bit desperate but it could be for a lot of reasons. If he thinks I'm pretty of something more then yes it is the kind of "trophy girlfriend" that he got one who is nice looking etc. He's a guy so of course sex is probably on his mind but I doubt it's only sexual.
Each time I ve seen him look at me, it's not the creep kind of stare. Its more like enchantment or how people who are infatuated are. Definitely teenage type behaviour but like I said, he's probably immature as I ve seen his female colleagues treat him like a kid as he's probably funny

[Asker]

He does care about his job of course but like I said he's young and most likely immature and decided to flirt (as he was gone away for 3-4 days from work) and when he saw me being served by his colleague, he came over like how are you/beautiful sunny day etc.

Yes he doesn't talk to other female customers. At most, how are you/thank you

[btbc92]

Asker, do yourself and everybody a favor. You want him, GO GET HIM and stop wasting everybody's time if you think like that. You're just gonna get hurt again. You want to know why I never dated? One, to avoid a lot of you people's crazy mistakes you must like it. Two, it is my choice if I want to or not. As somebody who doesn't have that baggage, I have way more freedom to choose than you who have those experiences and you STILL cannot pick the right kind of guys or even keep them. Worse, many of you don't know what you're doing and are dating wrong. Many of you don't even know what you want or even need. And three, AFTER all of that abuse and heartache, No. I am not. But if you want those men then go after them. You go ahead a be a Victim. I know a good man vs somebody who is not for me vs those who are not good. And I am telling you, you are ATTRACTING your EX. And if you want that, that has nothing to do with me. It has to do with you because you have a pattern.

"Well you haven't dated so how can I expect you to answer properly. That's not how it works." Asker you have all the experience, still don't have 1 to keep yet. I know how it works. You people don't take anything seriously and that's why you keep getting all of that problems. Because "There's nothing wrong with premarital sex as sex is an integral part of human nature and if we love someone, we have to show affection. Marriage can't dictate when and how we have to show affection." Sex is a marriage and marriage is about having sex. It is very much wrong with it because if not, where is your partner? None to have. And now you made a marriage with a man who you say you still love and yet does he love you? Hmm. I have friends that are married and have children, and they can tell you your dating wrong and you're wrong about sex too. They have families, they are married, they've been married from 18-24 and 1 about 2 years and a half and now have a little one. What are you talking about?

[btbc92]

Your getting plaid and getting used. You're going through this same pattern because you believed in a lie that left you with no virginity, not much love to give because you're still pinning after your ex. Then you need to be with your ex. That makes no since to men and most importantly they will not take you seriously. They'll play the game and still have sex with you and keep it moving and then look who will they mostly want for marriage? Somebody like myself who never been touched by another man and hasn't dated around different men. Why? I know what it requires and entitle for me to be married and to have sex. To date would be for marriage and it should be with somebody you already are compatible with and whom you already see marrying. This is why again they say they are so glad I am a virgin and never did what you are doing. They don't CARE about YOU. They will use you. The guys who won't will take effect in GETTING TO KNOW YOU. Without all of that stuff. I told my friends the same thing, and now they have the partner they want. It requires WISDOM, not experience. I just chose not to be stupid. And I am trying to educate you. The last user you spoke to, he will tell it to you straight no different I told you.

[Asker]

All wrong. Sex isn't marriage nor marriage is sex. You have such a narrow view of the world and relationships. Have you ever heard of sexless marriages or unhappy marriages which have abuse and result in divorce?
Granted a lot of people date for fun or date the wrong person and end up getting hurt. But I didn't. You have no idea how much I loved and still love my ex boyfriend. To this day, after 3 years of his departure, his name and face brings me to tears. I didn't leave. His ego made him leave. He didn't lie to me, he lied to himself when he denied accepting his mistakes..
I overlooked everything in him as he was and still is my ideal man. You said I'm attracting my ex. He'll yes, I want him back. I always wanted him and the reason why I even have a crush on this guy is because he reminded me of him. Except my ex was tall, manly and much more handsome. I could do anything to have him back.

You have never experienced real love. I have and I still feel it. My ex could fall sick and I would be up all night caring for him myself.

All this is without marriage. I believe in marriage but there is no way that sex can't happen without marriage

[btbc92]

This is no way to treat men and this is why you get treated badly. They don't take women like you seriously. Sure you can be cute, attractive, have a personality they adore, etc. But do they treat you right? NOPE. Because your in a fantasy world. But in the real world, these men today do NOT give a damn. They want sex. Period. Like I told another person regarding women. If we weren't interested in a sexual relationship, we wouldn't be interested either. But many of us want romance, and some of us prefer to wait for marriage because that is HOW GOD INTENDED IT. Otherwise, it is fornication. And rightfully so. Look what happened to you? No guy and no husband. Why do you think so many men don't want to get married? You're already giving them everything for free, leaving women like me with no husband. Because now every guy already had a taste of sex, they don't know how to really have sex with you and they take sex as pleasure but yet don't know sex is part of YOU and what you share with HIM. I have friends who had sex outside of marriage too. They are now struggling with maintaining because why you didn't WAIT. Have marriages and even relationships that ended badly and they struggled with the idea if they will ever find love. WHY? Because they didn't WAIT. So no, Asker. LIFE as well as your relationships are what YOU choose to make of it. Nobody else.

[btbc92]

Asker, if all wrong. Where are your husband and your lover?

"All wrong. Sex isn't marriage nor marriage is sex. You have such a narrow view of the world and relationships. Have you ever heard of sexless marriages or unhappy marriages which have abuse and result in divorce?" CORRECTION, ASKER, 1 corinthians 7 explains this clearly and I know why. Because you too busy SCREWING AROUND when you should have been married first THEN have sex and maintain that throughout your MARRIAGE. And you DON'T. Because you take it for granted. These men that get sex so early can't love you because they don't know HOW to love you. Worse, you don't even know how to love yourself. If sex was that important, again, where is your boyfriend, where is your husband, and your ex. It should have kept you together. So no. Your lying, and no offense, your lifestyle and choices are proven you believe the same lies you tell yourself with no results. That's why you confused with this guy now, and I been knew what to tell you. But you choose to be in denial. I am not. I know what it takes to keep and maintain a marriage and a relationship. You have all of that experience, but no knowledge. Because if you had the knowledge you wouldn't be on a hunt or goose chase searching for a guy to love you.

[btbc92]

"Granted a lot of people date for fun or date the wrong person and end up getting hurt. But I didn't." Then go back to your ex if he is the right person. "You have no idea how much I loved and still love my ex boyfriend. To this day, after 3 years of his departure, his name and face brings me to tears. I didn't leave. His ego made him leave. He didn't lie to me, he lied to himself when he denied accepting his mistakes.. I overlooked everything in him as he was and still is my ideal man. You said I'm attracting my ex. He'll yes, I want him back. I always wanted him and the reason why I even have a crush on this guy is because he reminded me of him. Except my ex was tall, manly, and much more handsome. I could do anything to have him back." Asker, no offense, this is a joke. You blame him for your choices. That is what children, do. Own up like an ADULT. You wanted him, you picked him, you stayed with him. You need healing and you need help before your dysfunction hurts other people. He didn't do anything. You couldn't accept him for who he was. What happened to loyalty, commitment, etc? Sounds like none there.

[btbc92]

"You have never experienced real love. I have and I still feel it. My ex could fall sick and I would be up all night caring for him myself." I know what love is. You sadly do not because what you did was create a fantasy with a man you barely even knew, and once you see the real him you can't handle it. You call that LOVE? I know love. You do not know what love is because love isn't fleeting and you had sex which is the result of why you thnk you have or had love. Love is a choice and I chose to not just be involved with any man I cannot be compatible with nor don't have a connection with. God is in control. And he knows what kind of man is good for me or not. And over 80% of guys are NOT GOOD for me, and I can tell they aren't for women like yourself. But you want them, but can't stand them either. No wonder why a lot of these men are so confused with women. What I am gathering you mostly do this because you barely even love yourself and you don't know-how. Because you wouldn't be chasing after such men an all. I had to learn to love myself and learn to grow and mature first. You don't sound as mature as you need to be. I have the right to choose, and now again, your blaming this guy for holding your heart hostage when you made a decision to give to him.

[btbc92]

"All this is without marriage. I believe in marriage but there is no way that sex can't happen without marriage" Again, sex is a marriage and marriage is all about sex. Once you open your legs, that's it. That consummating a marriage. You were already married before God's eyes, but you have done so illegally. If you knew this before, you wouldn't have to go through this. You are not showing you aren't ready for anything serious and stable, you are also confused. And still haven't let go of your ex. That is suicidal. I ain't doing that to myself, so in that regard, you can say what you want about me. But I love myself enough to not have myself get broken down and used and abused like so many of you allow. Because I have heard from good men that I did the right thing. I am not trying to hurt you, but I am telling you that if you expect to find true happiness and a good man for your life, WISE UP, before it is too LATE.

[btbc92]

I kept myself more because I KNOW what relationships are supposed to look like, be like, experiences, etc. HOWEVER, the men you so wholeheartedly protect so much did NOT WANT that. They showed me their true colors and go to women like you because your easy. How I know again? Because I had men tell me I am not an easy woman and that they have far more respect for me because of that. As I said, you need to interact and speak with a lot of men. Actually, talk to them. And you will soon find it it is not what you think it is. They will have sex with you, but they will not marry you unless by their terms and what they want. Do you want a relationship with a man? BUILD a FRIENDSHIP with them FIRST. You need to find out what is your intentions are as their intent is. Until you take time off in your life to really question yourself and do some self-reflection you will have the same problems. I voided those problems because I used my intuition and common sense. Best to educate yourself on this and really ask yourself do you have any business being in it and having sex at ALL? Ruining your lives and other people because of what you want. Instead of doing what needs to be done. If a relationship is meant for you to have, you may find somebody. But to date and get involved with just anybody, now that is on you. I know what type of guy to look for if a relationship is of my desire. I loved and have given love to everybody I know is good for me. But sadly as a child growing up to people who were not. This is why I am more selective in who I allow in my life. And I have the best of friends and people I can ask for by the grace of God. Like God had told me, if a man says he wants me, he has to go to him first. He will not hand me over to any man who isn't deserving of me.

[Asker]

Omg your a nutcase

[btbc92]

Asker, I'm not going to say anymore on it. The one that's being what you want to call me id your self. Chasing after a past you don't even have anymore. What you're doing is nuts. But you don't see it that way.

[Asker]

Lol I'm. not you clearly are toxic and a nutcase. What kind of nonsense you believe in and you the audacity to call others a nutcase? No wonder men don't want you

[btbc92]

No they want me. It's after that done with you that's the only time they want to bother. At the end of the day I ain't driving myself nuts with someone like you. I'm living my life and I'm going to do what I got to do. Why you continue to keep on pining after a person that's not even interested in being around you. What you doing is wrong and you want to mess around with a young person because he reminds you of your ex, that goes to show you how crazy you are. Playing around with people's feelings exactly what a nutcase does.

[Browneye57]

"Do you think this is OK? Or is he just young and desperate to go out with me? "
Both. Why don't you actually date a bit and see where it goes. That's how people find out if someone is a match or not.

[Asker]

Yes but has to come to work for me to give my number

[Browneye57]

Sorry, can't help ya there... :)