Rejecting someone - He wants to catch up tomorrow, but I saw him today? Is this a bad sign?

[Anonymous]

I finally met the guy I’ve been talking to for 14 months last Saturday. Him meeting me confirmed he really likes me and we kissed which made things more complicated. The problem is I don’t know if we should pursue to dating because I have an incurable cancer and he knows this, but I said we need to really think about it because there is long term implications if things go well like I can’t have children. Even though he really likes me, his concern is that he can’t give me the stable support I need for my cancer and he doesn’t want to be the bad guy in 3 months time realising he can’t handle what I’m going through.

He agreed we need to think about it. Today we met again as I was in the area last minute and we went for a walk round the park. We didn’t mention anything about this ‘dating’ issue and we chatted as if we were friends. But within 15minutes of meeting , he asked if I wanted to meet tomorrow to catch up for a coffee. But in my mind I was thinking I’m already here, why would you want to catch up again? I had plans tomorrow and then he said what about the day after lunchtime. He seemed really eager to want to see me again.

If he had an answer to our problem and it was a bad one like he doesn’t want to date, why wouldn’t he had just told me today? Why wait for tomorrow or the day after?

[caring__1]

I'm sensing this is a very important decision for each of you. Maybe when you showed up last minute he hadn't truly finished thinking it through, or he had a prior commitment and didn't want to rush through the conversation.

You say your cancer is incurable but didn't state whether it is terminal. You deserve to have a caring person add special meaning to whatever time you have. He needs to know if he is strong enough to emotionally connect and then lose you. That's something we need to think about before adopting a pet, also, as most people outlive their pets. But, then, what would our life have been like had we not adopted that pet? He may also feel fearful he'll let you down and disappoint you. Give him time to think, and don't rush the conversation.

You know he is interested and wants to be with you. Help him to feel safe by sharing what you are looking for. That way, he can deal with reality rather than his fears. Also, share what you sense he is going through and may go through in the future. Clear, open, honest communication is always the key to any door.

[Asker]

Thanks for your advice. Yes, it is a very important decision for both of us because part of me don't want to flip his life upside down because of my diagnosis, but I also like him. I am not terminal, it is incurable, I just don't know how it will progress. He knew me before I had my diagnosis, so he knows the pre-cancer me and makes me feel very normal even though cancer has changed how I feel as a person. It is a lot to ask from someone who I just met, but I felt we should both really think about it if it's worth starting something and laying all my cards out. I was prepared to be alone for life, but the more I think about it, I think I deserve love even more and shouldn't let cancer stop my way.

I was not expecting him to want to join me for my walk today because it was last minute and I had mentioned it in passing that I was in the area, which was why I was surprised when he also wanted to meet up tomorrow for a catch up. I fear he will back away because he is a logical and wise person, who clearly doesn't want to hurt me, but I know I need to remain standing strong that I spoke my fears and truth about it. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to my situation. I think I fear the rejection because it could be my only chance in finding someone who doesn't judge me for my cancer and has seen both sides of me, but I can't be selfish and hold onto him because it can ultimately change his life and future being with me.

[caring__1]

You're a wise woman. It's true there is no perfect answer, as you're life will be unfortunately complicated. I'm glad you were open and honest with him, for I understand the importance of quality communication for healthy relationships. If he didn't know you previously, he probably would have passed on the opportunity, but he has grown to care about you. Understand, if he chooses to pass on this opportunity, it's not rejection of you but a fear he can't handle the added complications. Being in any relationship will change a person's life and future. We all have challenges; they're just different for each individual. It's about determining which challenges we can deal with and which we fear we can't. No matter what, I hope you find a special connection.

[Isabellaxo]

Firat of all, I am really sorry.
I can only imagine but to me it seems like he doesn't want to pressure you. Lile you said if he doesn't think it's right he would have said something that day. Mentioning he might not be able to be by your side was probably just to make it easier for you, so you knwo what he is really feeling (fear).

[Asker]

Thanks, I don't want to put pressure on him either. It is a big decision whether to start something even though we are both attracted to each other. I like him and I know it's asking a lot when we only JUST met after talking for so long. I am prepared he will walk away, but at the same time will feel quite sad because I think it could be my only chance in finding love because he knew me before I had my cancer diagnosis. That's why I have a feeling the reason he wants to catch up again tomorrow, even though I saw him again today was because he has an answer.