The guilt is killing me.. what do I do?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been on several dates with different men throughout the past 3+ years.

They’d often be honest with me from the get go that they want marriage or a relationship out of our interaction. I always end up abruptly leaving them after months of texting/FaceTiming/meet ups.
They were very good to me each one of them.. I liked the feeling of being cared/loved for without a title.
The guilt is killing me because I knew their intention with me but I lead them on knowing something would probably not come of it as i know I’m not emotionally available for a relationship. I never had an evil intention because in the back of my head I thought.. maybe this one could be the one for me? But when I got too close I ran away and just think wtf was I even doing for all these months wasting peoples time and that they don’t deserve me.. rather someone better.
I’ve hurt too many people (I’d like to say unintentionally) and the guilt hurts my head I don't know what to do.
I could message them and say sorry but they’ve probably moved on and it’s selfish of me to apologise to them and only to be reminded of me again.

Updates

+1 y

Do you think I should apologise or just leave it as that. Because it’s been a couple of months since the previous situation ended

[abc3643]

You said a lot but you said almost nothing.

What WAS your intent with all of these dates?

What is your ultimate objective?
To just feel desired and loved by as many different men as possible so as soon as you get bored with one then you move on?
>>>> Why is it that you terminate each of these relationships?

Feel (*) guilty... or not... but you really need to determine who you are and what you want and act on that.


(*) I am not sure you should feel guilty. While I don't like what you did, what you feel is what you feel. No matter how wonderful a guy is, if you just aren't going to feel it for him, that's just the way it is and you can't change that so you shouldn't feel toooooo guilty about it. - Maybe a little bit, because they were hurt, but at least you did not live a lie by continuing because that REALLY would have hurt them.

Sadly, I know this from experience when I was in love with a woman whom I came to realize would never love me no matter what I did or said. I just was not her type. Same with my next girlfriend except reversed... I knew this woman I was in an LDR with was someone who I could not marry, so I ended it. I know I hurt her, but she ended up better off in the long-run.

[abc3643]

Leave it at that - no need to apologize.

[Asker]

I understand what you mean by saying that I said a lot but not saying anything at all - it was a way for me to vent because of how I feel in this current moment.

I think I mostly enjoyed the way I was treated by these men I felt loved and desired and they were honestly such gentlemen. I dont ever think I intentionally did any of this for the sake of toying with them and throwing them away. I cared for each of them from my heart I thought very highly of them.

But the fact that I knew it would never work out because I wouldn’t be able to offer them the love and care they expected from me due to my emotional unavailability. I felt like my freedom was at stake and didn’t want to be tied down to 1 person as messy as it sounds lol.

& do you feel like the woman you were in love with lead you on at points or was it obvious from the beginning that nothing would come of it?

[abc3643]

I'd like to know a little more about you. I think I may be able to help.
Consider PMing me although, for the next 2 hours, I will be gone running chores.
I should be back circa 7 PM CDT (8 PM EDT, 5 PM PDT, Midnight UTC).

[abc3643]

THIS:
"do you feel like the woman you were in love with lead you on at points or was it obvious from the beginning that nothing would come of it?"

is a good question. There is a long story here. I will discuss it later.

[abc3643]

OK, about that woman...

In June 1988, I moved to an apartment already occupied by two women. I was replacing their male roommate who graduated. One of the roommates was - how can a put this? - one of life's great losers in every sense of the word. I could hardly stand her. However, the other woman was rather attractive. She invited me to move in with them. I knew her because, like me, we were in graduate school in the same department.

However, I quickly discovered she was a nymphomaniac with man-after-man - many of whom I knew at school - in her water bed.

Now, at the time, I was single and hadn't had a girlfriend in over 1.5 years since I dumped my previous girlfriend who was rather nice and we were still friends, but I broke her heart. My ex-GF and I did do it that first month I was in there but that was the only time I had sex in all that time. Otherwise, I was rather a hard-up 25-year old unused not-ugly healthy male.

(more)

[abc3643]

Anyway, in the Fall, our loser roommate had to go home to Brooklyn for a few months to take care of her elderly parents. That left my other roommate - the nympho - and me.

With the loser roommate out of the way, the dynamic between this woman and I sort of morphed into an ersatz marriage. I took on the male role and she the female role, like it was instinctive. Soon, I realized what was happening to me emotionally.

At times, I'd wonder "If my number came up, would I sleep with her?" I wasn't sure. I knew what she was and was very leery about her given her history and nature.

Nonetheless, this woman needed a date for a wedding. We decided to invite my buddy from home who was available at the time. They went to the wedding in her hometown about 2 hours from our school.
When they left, I realized that I was a bit jealous. I was not angry, but I realized that I was beginning to fall in love with this nympho. It was F 02 DEC 1988.

OK, well, the wedding with my buddy was a platonic thing. The nympho met another man at the wedding and it looked like he was next up for her fucking... He mentioned that he was a coach of a women's college hockey team and that team was visiting our school that Sunday. So, she and I went to see that game. It became apparent that it was not going to happen between them...

This was S 04 DEC 1988. I think she was a bit bummed but not sure. Anyway, we were sitting on the couch in our apartment and, I don't remember exactly what happened, but we started making out.

(more)

[abc3643]

This is already a long story, but I will simply say this...

From that moment until W 21 DEC 1988, we were in a secret relationship. She didn't want me to tell anyone. That bothered me a bit, but I accepted it. After all, she was only the second woman that I ever had sex with and it was great!

Anyway, this was "friends with benefits" before anyone ever said that. I didn't realize that though. I was emotionally invested as if she was my girlfriend. The opposite was not true but I was never fully aware of that... I just suspected that, but I was patient...

She was a bit of an impulsive young woman and decided to by a car (she didn't have one and I drove us everywhere). It was a very expensive used car. She computed that she could afford it leaving only $4/month to her budget. I was not happy because I didn't think that was smart, but I didn't push it.

Well, she bought that car on Sunday 18 DEC 1988... and ended up making a date with the car salesman...

I didn't think much about it - I knew other guys who wanted to get in her pants, but she rejected them and I was right there...

So, it's W 21 DEC 1988. Lockerbie (Pan Am Flight 103) just happened. She and I have sex that morning in her waterbed... I headed to Syracuse after that to visit my California cousin who was in town for work. I had her on my mind because of that date with the car saleman that night, so I returned home to our apartment. She was gone on her date and I stayed up for quite a while...

(more)

[abc3643]

They don't come home, so I was tired and went to bed...

The next morning, I hear footsteps in our apartment. The feet are heading to the bathroom on the other side of the wall to my bedroom... It's not the feet of my roommate whose walk I recognized. It's not the feet of my other roommate whose walk I also dreadfully recognized, but she was in Brooklyn still anyway. I get sick. I look out the window and, down on the street, is the car salesman's car.

He slept in her bed. I fucked her in that same bed not 24 hours earlier.
He fucked her in MY apartment!

... and, or course, she never told him that I had been fucking her for the previous 2 weeks.

Needless to say, I was upset.

I was broken-hearted, but I did get over it somewhat quickly - only a few months - because in the back of my mind, I always expected she'd do something like this. She was a nymphomaniac and total hedonist. Her pleasure and desires were paramount to her.

But, I also came to realize that I never really was her type. The car salesman was definitely a better-looking guy than me... and he had a job whereas I was a lowly grad student making $200/week.

So, in a sense, I totally forgave her. I really was not for her. As hurt as I was, I deserved it because I knew better and yet did what I did.

There is a lot more to this story - a lot of drama - but I will simply say that we are still friends and she is the one who got me into Facebook. I live in Missouri now and she is divorced and living in Ohio and is a foster mother and engineer.

[abc3643]

Unfortunately, one way I was able to move on was my next __official__ girlfriend. She was a woman from Texas who was a friend of mine in graduate school. They went to school together at UT-Austin for a BS. Anyway, they were platonic friends and we all met each other on Thursday 23 MAR 1989 at the local bar that was famous for Wing Night. All the college kids went there.

So, here I am in the bar meeting up with my friends and I meet this woman. She was not considerably attractive, but she was nice and sweet with that Southern voice... and, most of all, I could see that she practically ovulated on the spot upon seeing me.

Long story short, this became an LDR. In July, she spent a month with me in my solo apartment (I moved out from the apartment with the nympho and loser in April).

During that month:
1. It was apparent that she was much more conservative than me.
2. She had this master plan: I was supposed to marry her and give her babies because, at 26, she was approaching becoming an old maid in her Southern conservative world, so she needed a man to marry giving her respectability with a husband and babies..
3. But I wasn't there yet. We were both 26 and I was still going for a PhD and that was still a while off.
4. She was not that attractive and told me I wanted it too much. (Geez, I was 26, healthy, and in an LDR - of course I wanna fuck!)

By the end, it was apparent that I was never going to love her. That last week was a bit tough - we stopped sleeping together. She was very cold to me at the airport going home. I couldn't blame her. I'd call her over the next few months just to see how she was, but she was always cold and terse. I finally stopped after Christmas. I still send her a birthday greeting each year via Facebook. (She is 2 days younger than me.) So, we are civil. And, it worked out for the best for her anyway! She found a man and got married in June 1991 and had her two sons. I didn't get married until 10 years later.

[abc3643]

So, did I answer your question?

"Do you feel like the woman you were in love with lead you on at points or was it obvious from the beginning that nothing would come of it?"

I don't think she ever led me on. From my perspective, it was not obvious that it would end, but I did suspect it would which is why my broken heart was not very bad. Getting into a rebound relationship with that Texan woman helped though. Sadly, it was a rebound though and so I learned about that.

[Iron_Man]

There’s no way that you’re ready to date at this time of your life. You lead them on and you’re not stable

[Asker]

Yeah I don’t think I’m ready at all. I dont know when this emotional unavailability will come to an end

[Iron_Man]

Take a couple years off And find yourself

[Jamie05rhs]

The better question is, why do you always feel the need to run away?

If the attention you're getting is what you want, why would you not want to continue being treated that way forever? Wouldn't that be a nice life?

[Asker]

I agree. They all treated me amazingly and I’d love to be treated that way forever. The running away part is something that I need to figure out... maybe part of my attachment style of being a fearful avoidant? And in a sense I enjoy my freedom and not being tied down to 1 person

[Jamie05rhs]

I think it's something you should talk to a counselor about.

[Jamie05rhs]

(Of course, you can talk to me, too, but I'm not professionally qualified.)

[Asker]

A counsellor is definitely something I should consider. I think the way I approach dating and relationships isn’t the normal way I should be doing it. It’s best I should take time for myself and pull away from dating as of now

[Jamie05rhs]

Aww. I didn't mean that. Just ask a professional for advice on how to deal with your emotions. But yeah, do what you have to do, I guess. I just think it's a shame when people pull away from "dating" as if it's some kind of game. Because there are actually real people involved. That's just how I feel about it, though. So please excuse me if I'm being too preachy.

[TommyMountainFigure]

If it were up to me, I'd forgive you.

[Asker]

I hope they’d be as understanding lol

[TommyMountainFigure]

We've all made mistakes in life. It sounds to me like you've learned from yours. can't really ask for much more.