I had to get a restraining order from an ex?

Question

So I decided there is nothing wrong with going out with other people; especially since Devon and I weren’t even dating. We were taking a break. Devon really does have a good heart but he has shown up at my apartment when specifically asked not to and I’ve caught him in places he knows I go and he doesn’t typically go. Tonight he was freaking out because I said there was nothing wrong with me going out with other guys since we weren’t dating (just like it’s 100% okay for him to go out with other girls). On the phone, he told me he was starting to hate me. Then, he called me a “cold-hearted mother fucker”. The moment he told me that, I immediately hung up and he was blocked. Ten minutes later, he starts knocking on my apartment’s window and doors. I called the police and they told him to leave. I’m now going to file a restraining order. I feel bad, in a way, because he was desperate and I feel like I led him on to a certain extent. I know I haven’t had a great character through all of this. He has gone out of his to buy me things and to always say sweet things, but I didn’t want a relationship with him anymore. He had no business showing up at my place tonight, let alone calling me those horrible names. Guys, am I in the wrong here? He does have a good heart and I do feel cold to a certain extent. I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

You have both committed infractions of common decency and dating etiquette.

1. It sounds as if you were never really into him but you allowed him to buy you nice things. You know that you have led him on and so you are at fault.

2. Your infractions do not justify or excuse his behavior. He deserves to have a restraining order against him. Unfortunately, that might interfere with him being able to get a license or a job in particular fields, but that is his fault.

3. When you decided you didn't want to date him, you should have ended things immediately. Trying to stay in contact with an ex sometimes leads to situations such as this. There was nothing positive to be gained by staying in touch with him and next time you break up, you need to make it a clean break.

4. Dating is a process of getting into relationships, making decisions - good and bad - and learning from the consequences of those decisions. If you have learned some lessons from this experience, then it is not a loss, because you are now a little bit older and a little bit wiser.

5. Hw long did you date this guy? Were you and he doing the horizontal mambo? If so, do you now regret moving too quickly. There's another potential lesson to learn from this experience.

Don't beat yourself up too much about this. We've all made our mistakes.

Dragonpurple · Accepted Answer

Soon as he called you a cold-hearted mother fucker, that is not something you say to anyone you care about or love. He is a stalker for sure and I don't get why guys will pursue someone that is not interested in them. I've never done it, if she isn't interested leave it alone and move on.

I get that he may go to places you normally go and he would not, not a lot you can do about that but him showing up at your place, that is a big issue and glad you called the cops on him.

If that is the 1st offense I wouldn't get the restraining order yet, but if he shows up again... and you have to call the cops again, time to get it. Hopefully he learned his lesson and won't ever come back again.

Elliegirl · Accepted Answer

Start with getting a TRO (temporary restraining order). When that expires, you may want to consider a permanent injunction against him. Any guy who calls you what he called you isn’t worth your time and you deserve so much better. With the name calling and near stalking, I question if he really has a good heart and his mental and emotional stability.

ConnorJHutton531 · Answer

This guy does sound desperate - relentlessly so.
What I think you should is wait just a little bit before you get the restraining order: if he shows up again at your place, yes, call the cops and get the restraining order. Give him one more chance and if he blows it get the restraining order.
Maybe you lead him on, but that’s in the past now. You called the cops on him, and hopefully that sends him the message that you don’t want to see him again. That, and him calling you This guy does sound desperate - relentlessly so.
What I think you should is wait just a little bit before you get the restraining order: if he shows up again at your place, yes, call the cops and get the restraining order. Give him one more chance and if he blows it get the restraining order.
Maybe you lead him on, but that’s in the past now. You called the cops on him, and hopefully that sends him the message that you don’t want to see him again. That, and him calling you “cold-hearted motherfucker” means you shouldn’t see him again. He started to say he hated you, so that is also a reason not to see him again. He is hateful, kick him put of your life! 🦵💥

Finchie40 · Answer

No you did the right thing , he doesn’t have a good heart if he called you those names and secondly he is psychotic for just showing up to your apartment like that , that just shows his true character that he is manipulative and controlling, The fact that you told him you wanted to see other people should of been his answer to move on and that you aren’t interested in him in that way and even though it sucks when you like someone and they don’t like you back the same , life goes on , you don’t chase someone and stalk them , So by you getting a restraining order on him , was totally the right thing to do cuz that is again psycho shit. You are best to stay away from this psycho at all costs and have him arrested if he comes near you again , I had this happen to me with my ex after I ended it with her , she was stalking me and didn’t take no for an answer to the point I was freaked out and filed a restraining order on her ass to stay away from me. I put cameras in my home and caught her breaking in snooping around my home when I was at work , it was creepy watching the shit she was doing like she was possessed and going through my things and smelling my clothes etc. I didn’t call the cops on her but I called her and told her that I have her on camera and if she comes near my home again I will have her arrested , She stopped after that knowing I caught her red handed , but the fact that she did that and went that far totally freaked me out. Chasing someone is a mental illness when someone can’t take no for an answer they need professional help.

ConnorJHutton531 · Answer

This guy does sound desperate - relentlessly so.
What I think you should is wait just a little bit before you get the restraining order: if he shows up again at your place, yes, call the cops and get the restraining order. Give him one more chance and if he blows it get the restraining order.
Maybe you lead him on, but that’s in the past now. You called the cops on him, and hopefully that sends him the message that you don’t want to see him again. That, and him calling you This guy does sound desperate - relentlessly so.
What I think you should is wait just a little bit before you get the restraining order: if he shows up again at your place, yes, call the cops and get the restraining order. Give him one more chance and if he blows it get the restraining order.
Maybe you lead him on, but that’s in the past now. You called the cops on him, and hopefully that sends him the message that you don’t want to see him again. That, and him calling you “cold-hearted motherfucker” means you shouldn’t see him again. He started to say he hated you, so that is also a reason not to see him again. He is hateful, kick him put of your life! 🦵💥

ohshee · Answer

Wow well this really sucks , 4 A lot of different reasons. So when did this happen and did you get a restraining order this guy seems like he's kind of off-balance a little bit I know Maybe you don't want to take it that far. but maybe in time things can be fixed but right now I don't know how well you know him but you need to protect yourself as if his mental status isn't all the way there just to protect yourself before I got the restraining order I would unblock my phone so you can have one more conversation with him.. and let him know that in your way of being nice and being a friend to him was taking any other way that you apologize for you're not understanding your type of friendship and you kind of wish that you would you would have said something to you that way you could straighten it out and then let him know just out of your own reason for being concerned and cautious you're going to have to take out a restraining order just to protect yourself even though you don't want to do it but his actions or giving you no choice because if he is mentally unstable you don't know what can happen when it could happen and that's bad that will take your mind someplace else each and every day and that's not a good thing so I will try to get it cleaned up over the phone first try to keep him calm try to explain as well as possible that you don't want to do it but if you're going to have to do whatever you're going to have to if that makes sense

Anonymous · Answer

as someone who had to file restraining orders let me tell you they're absolutely useless. once you file one the court issues 10 days from the time you file. in those 10 days you have to take it to a constable so they can give it to him. from there he has to appear in court and state his case to "defend" himself. from there the judge will decide how long the restraining order will remain in effect. once it expires it's up to you to reinstate it aka getting a new restraining order. restraining orders are good from 3 months to 3 years 5 maximum. on top of that you need to have physical proof he knowingly intentionally violated his restraining order and show the evidence to the police. once you have logs of him violating his restraining order then he can be arrested. the first time the police might issue him a warning but sometimes they'll arrest him depending on the useless cop. also he won't be arrested for violating a restraining order, he'll be arrested for violating a judicial court order which again is extremely asinine the way the courts are setup.
your second option is to buy again. but as someone who also went this route the moment the police get wind of you trying to buy a 12guage shotgun it'll get blocked by the police because of your interaction with your ex. which also happened to me.
basically the law fucks you over no matter what you do.
so this leaves you with option 3 buy a gun on the black market or through somebody you know who already has one AND/OR get a few people to have this guy beaten up or killed.
Sorry to say but option 3 is your only real option since i been through all this bullshit myself last year.

Tunasub · Answer

Well it seems as if the real Devon has surfaced. Not respecting your boundries, not understanding that acting in this manner only makes the situation harder for him and an easy decision for you.

He may have bought you nice things and said sweet words but in the end it's how one behaves when they don't have control and get Thier way like they have been that shows what type of person that they really are...

Are you ok is the only question I have for you?
Understandably a bit shaken up but overall you are fine?
You did the right thing because you have no idea the state of mind he was in or what he may have done...

Rest assured you did nothing wrong you were forthcoming with your feelings and how you wanted to proceed with the friendship. He chose to act out and in turn chose the way the realtionship ended. It could have had a much better ending if he was more mature in the way he handled himself. Instead of a strong possibility of losing a friend you two could have still been friendly going forward.

Floppy2112 · Answer

I have had to file a restraining order. It's not a lot of fun, but it is sometimes necessary. If he's coming to your apartment and banging on your door and not listening to you when you tell him to leave, I believe you have good reason to do so.
I would also advise you get a gun and get certified to use it. Just because, you need to be able to get out of situations should you unwittingly get into one. The number one thing you need to do is to live through a bad situation. Then worry about what's next.
It's probably a good idea, if not already done so, is to make this a permanent break. You need to stay safe. I don't see a situation where this guy isn't going to be a problem every time you upset him. Move on...

SomeStoner · Answer

He's acting crazy, the stalking thing is not okay. He cares about you a lot, to the point of obsession (which is a bit too much, are you like his first or something?). You saying you're going to be with other men broke his heart and he doesn't know how to deal with it other than try to be in your presence.

So, no it's not your fault that he stalked you, that's nuts and totally not acceptable.

However, If he had just called you a cold hearted bitch and never talked to you again he would have done nothing wrong. Your handling of the situation was bad, the whole taking a break thing is a fucked up way to string people along, just break up completely next time instead of creating some false idea that things can work.

Now all this being said, get over it and move on. You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness.

Anonymous · Answer

If you weren't even dating, then he's not an ex either, just a friend then right? If that even. Sounds like he has a few issues. If you feel like you lead him on, maybe you did to some extent (or didn't discourage him at least, which sometimes is just as bad or worse). But based on what you have already done, you have to keep on that path. NO more contact with him in ANY way. Gone from your life completely. I hope it works out for you and he'll leave you alone. But seriously, NO more contact in ANY way. No social media, nothing.

Andres77 · Answer

You could go on a date naked with him, he'd still have to control himself. It's that simple.
No, you're not in the wrong.
Get the restraining order.
Make it clear that he's crossed the line but now that line has legal repercussions.
He needs to control himself.
He doesn't own you.
You should fear for your life or safety, ever.

AustinMan · Answer

You get his reaction as much as I do. You really, REALLY tooled this guy around. Has physically threatened you or interfered with you actively. If not you have no basis for a restraining order. You were a USDA Prime bitch and he's taking out the terrible, unforgivable things you did to him.

legalboxers · Answer

@ olderAndWiser hit the nail on the head. He is more educated and versed in this type and answered your question..
But since I was also tagged..

This is my law enforcement experience background and Domestic Violence aspect. He should have not visited you or came to see you. The TRO is necessary. You need to feel a sense of security. Did you accept what was bought? Just be careful.

venom9801 · Answer

Some guys do this but doesn't necessarily mean they're violent or dangerous. Making him feel this way could really damage his already low self esteem. I've been there. Takes many painful years to recover from. Try talking to him and being gentle and honest.

888theGreat · Answer

He is the slob right? He is not a very good choice. I think you should write him a letter and explain how it is and what you will do if he doesn't behave. Then remind him that he said it was over if you dated the Doctor. You did , so say you agree with what he said , it is over. Does he have guns? Knives? Has he ever hurt another person from anger?

Better_off_here · Answer

I have to say that men not treated you well at all, you see any woman wants a man that respects them and men need to learn to just let go. i guess the men you find are just not all there it seems. you must spin quite a web of love to have men go crazy. you may feel bad but he did not respect you at all and you had did what you had to do and just call the police on him. as a man i would never do that and act that way with a woman.

foxrider77 · Answer

Leave the drama boy, how is that doctor guy doing? I’m sure he’s some fun. Hang around a guy that will take care of you. The name calling, knocking on door thing is got to go.

exitseven · Answer

I think you did the right thins, This guy has a few screws loose. Get a the restraining order but bear in mind it is only a piece of paper and he can still show up at anytime and any place. Be careful where you go.

Interstate · Answer

What you did was right. Otherwise his behavior would have escalated, and you would have been in over your head and in big trouble had he come after you.

RealMarek · Answer

Blocking him and taking action to keep him away from you is good for both of you. He has a better chance of moving on this way and you can go about your life.

slatyb · Answer

You are 100% right. But a restraining order is just paper. They are violated all the time. Be careful.

MysticDevice · Answer

This fella sounds pretty toxic. Good Idea with the restraining order.  Though it is really just a piece of paper without something to physically enforce it.

AydenHazor · Answer

Treating you well in order to keep you too himself is not having a good heart. Being verbally abusive and stalking you is not having a good heart. You are absolutely right to be protecting yourself

crmoore · Answer

I understand why you may want a restraining order. I understand why you may feel bad, you're a kind person. But I think a restraining order might be justified.

willyham2021 · Answer

You are under NO obligation to reciprocate, and you have a right to change your mind. There isn't an excuse for his behavior.

Open2It · Answer

Sounds like he's a bit dangerous. My advice would be to get a CCW Permit, a suitable firearm and learn how to shoot it. Take a self defense class or two as well. An RO is just a piece of paper... I'd be careful if I was you.

bowenw · Answer

He may have a good heart but his is not respecting you. You have done nothing wrong.

nawtee_me · Answer

A good heart and good intentions do not give anyone the right to stalk you or to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

larry69 · Answer

Get the restraining order and dont feel bad about it.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

You absolutely did the right thing. I'm proud of you.

Tstrbrainer · Answer

Well like you said, you led him on, let him invest on you and that's bad. But now you understand your mistake. Just be careful in the future

Tim-loves-it · Answer

Some guys just dont get it. My ex's ex would not get it.. I had to beat the idea into him that she didn't want to see him nay more.

princeofromance · Answer

Yes, That is stalker behavior. I am glad you took out a Restraining Order against him.

anylolone · Answer

Nope. You weren't wrong. If he was stalking you, that's what a restraining order is for.

Mehzmeh · Answer

You did the right thing. Because that will turn deadly soon. I have seen it happen more than once.

moviedude714 · Answer

Do you think he was close to physically assaulting you?

Slim57 · Answer

You've been too nice to this guy, it was honestly a matter of time but you did the right thing

es20490446e · Answer

Is this looking for a better dick, while keeping this one away?

RasberrySlushPuppy · Answer

Wow he is crazy, stay safe.

Joker_ · Answer

that's funny

jimmy2 · Answer

Yes be careful

I had to get a restraining order from an ex?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said