Why does the "cougar" stereotype of older women who date younger men persist so strongly when almost none of it is true?

[Anonymous]

As a woman engaged to a significantly younger man (I'm 42, he's 26) I get super annoyed whenever someone calls me a 'cougar'. The term 'cougar' implies a lot of stereotypes I've found to be mostly (or almost entirely) false (both from my experience and the experience of other women who are with younger men)

1. The older woman does the initial pursuing (Flat out false. The vast majority of the time the younger man does the initial pursuing. I was actually fairly hesitant at first because of the age gap)
2. The relationship is mostly sexual and neither party is interested in commitment (Mostly false. While there are a few exceptions to this most older women and younger men in a relationship are very interested in trying to work it out long term. Yes, there is a sexual relationship, but there's a lot more to it then just that)
3. The older woman is having a mid life crisis and trying to regain her youth (Mostly false. With only one exception, every woman with a younger man (including myself) was in a very good place in her life she was happy with prior to the relationship starting. There is some truth in this in that younger men often bring an energy and fun that the older woman is attracted to, but that doesn't mean she's having a mid life crisis and trying to "regain her youth")
4. She's probably paying him to be with her (Super false. There isn't a single older woman with a younger man I've talked to who is paying him to be with her. In fact I've offered to give my fiancé money when he was in a tight financial spot multiple times while we were dating but he turned it down every time I offered.)

Why do so many people believe these stereotypes when the overwhelming majority of older women with younger men don't fit them? Where are these assumptions coming from? Why are they so prevalent in our society?

[btbc92]

Because your not a cougar. You are just engaged to a much younger man. That is very different. He was the one who wanted to be with you for most other reasons. But cougars refer to women who do everything on that list. While we don't know what was his intent was when you two met, especially when you said you were nervous, it is possible that you two were just compatible. And he was mature enough to make that decision.

However, many cougars do just that. And because of that, it gets so many women caught in trouble because many women are shameless and do very similar to men wanting younger women just because she is younger. But I think the mid-life crisis one is just a bit sketchy and comes from men who already don't seek women over 30 anywhere. Plus, you never know. A lot of them could be lying so be careful who's a word you take as gospel. A lot of them know how it started out and it is often just sexual. Whether or not it turns something else becomes solely on them and oftentimes again, it is because of the sex. Money doesn't always have to be involved. If sex is mostly involved that's all the evidence people needs.

Maybe it is just where you live, but you can think of television for that because they express that 100% of the time. However, where I live in the northeast, it happens all quite too often. It may not be all the time in the countryside, though you can't help but hear they're having bar women having sex so often. And before anybody or you saying it is not true. My dad knows people, truckers especially those who have done it on the roads. It does happen, and you can't necessarily blame people. How you carry yourself can affect how you come off to people.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you about the term "cougar". I'm in my 20s and I wouldn't call an older woman dating a younger man a cougar.

In my book, it's a rude term. Borderline derogatory.

Calling a woman a cougar is shaming her for being older than her mate. She is considered predatory just because she is older. Even if she wasn't predatory at all. It implies that a woman preyed on a younger man until she was able to get her claws in him and that's how he ended up with her. It's the disbelief that an older woman can truly be desired by a younger man. People find that hard to believe because of the male conditioning of chase the young beauty. In society, older women are not shown as desirable. Their shown as old, past their prime, or some motherly figure.

I have heard some men say that some older woman they met was the most beautiful woman they've ever met. They'll say she was 65 or some older age and then go into explaining it. It was because of her spirit, happiness, yada yada. I've never heard a man say this about some 20 something year old he found to be the most beautiful woman he's met and then feel the need to explain why. For some reason, You can't find an older woman to be attractive, it has to be a reason why because it couldn't possibly be her looks. It's like the joke of the old rich man who married his young hot wife and then she aged so now he's looking to trade her in for a new model. For men, it's a new model, or want men want. For women, it's a "boy-toy". Funny, huh?

I personally think cougar is a shaming tactic to stop older women from taking younger men seriously. Don't get me wrong, most are not worth taking seriously but that doesn't mean there aren't some who are. If women start dating younger men, then the older man will feel replaceable, undesirable, or also past his prime. It's the loss of control.

[Asker]

I both agree and disagree that the cougar stereotype implies that the older woman is less physically attractive. The stereotype implies that the younger guy she’s with is just interested in some exciting sexual fling, but once he’s done with that he’ll get bored and move on to younger, “hotter” girls his age. This is very paradoxical as it both overtly sexualizes the woman and relationship (implying he has no romantic interest in her beyond the purely physical/sexual) while implying she’s not sexy enough to keep him around more than a few rounds of sex.

However, this whole paradox is completely false. Yes, there are younger guys who just have some older woman fettish they want to live, but 99% of the older women they chase see right through it and turn them down. We’ve figured out how to spot a guy who just wants to get in our pants from a mile away. When we do get in relationships with a younger guy we know he’s very interested in having an actual relationship and not just some sex fling. In fact, when we first started dating I made my fiancé wait 3 months before we had sex just to make sure he was really interested in being with me for more than just using me for sex (FYI, he completely respected that boundary and still wanted to be with me for those 3 months) Yes, sex is absolutely apart of it, but it’s only one part of the relationship

[Asker]

The one part of the stereotype I kind of get is why so many people think such a relationship wouldn’t work out. For the majority of older women-younger men the age gap would imply that they’re in very different places maturity wise and life goals wise so it couldn’t work out. However, this isn’t the case with every older woman-younger man dynamic and if more people were more open to it I think it could actually work out a lot more often then people think. In fact, if you get the right older woman-younger man combo the age gap actually compliments the relationship. For example, In my relationship he connects better to older women because he’s so mature for his age and I connect better to younger men because (in all honesty) I’m probably a bit immature for my age. I have a lot of energy and most guys my age can’t keep up with me, but a younger guy (like my fiancé) can. Mosr guys my age are intimidated by the amount of money I make and professional success I have, but a younger guy (like my fiancé) is a lot less likely to feel that way. I also think our age gap does help our sexual dynamic (which does feed into the stereotype a bit) in that many women’s sex drive (mine included) goes up as they get older, which makes our sex drives more compatible with younger men.

[Asker]

I know age gaps between older women and younger men often are a problem when it comes to the ‘kids’ question, but in nub case it was actually beneficial (and I think there are a fair amount more exceptions then just us to this general rule) He really wanted to be a dad and I really wanted to be a mom, but I knew my biological clock was ticking. The moment we knew our relationship was going to be a long term thing we started trying. I got pregnant the first time within a couple of months and the second time (with twins, whom I’m currently pregnant with) four months after I had our first kid. I don’t know if I would have been able to become a mom if I’d been with a guy my age for a couple reasons. Firstly, most men my age are either done having kids or don’t want to have any more kids. Secondly, I think if I’d been getting the sperm from a guy my age (as opposed to my fiancé’s younger more fertile sperm) it would have been significantly harder for me to get pregnant at all, let alone getting pregnant as quickly as I did both times. Consequently, my experience proves that I’m many cases there is a biological reproductive argument in favor of the older woman-younger man dynamic

[Asker]

With so much annoyingly wrong about the cougar stereotype I’m very interested in figuring out why it’s so prevalently believed in our society (and why so many women (like me) with great relationships with much younger guys have to deal with it)

[Opinion Owner]

You say that it doesn't imply that the older woman is less physically attractive but then you say that it implies that the younger guy will eventually move on to younger hotter women... if the older woman isn't less physically attractive then why is the younger woman considered hotter? And then you say it implies that the older woman is not sexy enough to keep him around. ... So we are in agreeance. You pretty much stated my point.

[Opinion Owner]

It's easily explained why the stereotype is easily believed. It's because it is true. Stereotypes stem from what was once shown to happen. They are false when the idea is attached to everyone who fits the bill. There's a stereotype that Gamblers love the casino. That stereotype is true. It's been proven. There are gamblers who love the casino. But does that mean every gambler loves the casino or that all people who love the casino are gamblers? No.

You may not be the woman who is having a midlife crisis, paying to keep her man, desperate for a younger man but just because that isn't you... doesn't mean that isn't happening.

I have a problem with Cougar because it is an attack on the aging woman. Women should be able to age without being shamed for it. There is no such name for an older gentleman dating a younger woman. Some people would call him a predator but that word can be used for anyone. Predator is not strictly for older man with younger woman. But cougar IS strictly for older woman with younger man.

[Asker]

The stereotype is that the guy thinks she's hot enough for a few sexual flings but not hot enough to stick around. The stereotype sexualizes the older woman for a few "flings" and then completely-un sexualizes her after that's done. It's a weird part of the stereotype that's contradictory and paradoxical, but it's there.

[Asker]

I agree that the majority of middle aged women wouldn't have a good relationship with a much younger man. However, I think the majority of women who do end up in relationships with younger men (again, not the same thing as older women in general) don't fit the stereotype (or at least not based on the ones I've interacted with, which are quite a few). Out of the women dating younger men that I've talked to the good majority of them felt very good about where they were in life before they met their boyfriend/husband (again, who is quite a bit younger). There are a couple of these women I talked to who did it out of a midlife crisis, but they were certainly a minority

I think maybe it's because people are thinking 'the only reason why I'd ever date a guy that much younger is if I was having a midlife crisis' so they assume that's true for the women who actually do date/marry younger men. However, for them it's mostly not true. There are a few exceptions, but they're just that: exceptions.

[Opinion Owner]

"It's a weird part of the stereotype that's contradictory and paradoxical, but it's there." I disagree.

If you know how men think, it makes complete sense. Being hot enough for sex is like "you'll do, until I can do better". Men will take sex from almost any woman when they are young and horny than no woman or no sex at all. It's when sex is the main goal, not the woman. Younger guys expect the older woman to be horny and easy. That's why she's hot enough to sleep with but not hot enough to keep.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes they do think this but in a way there will be some panic there and it will be with conceiving.

At some point, the older woman is going to hit a panic and wonder if she can give her younger mate kids. (if he doesn't already have any and wants kids) Because, if she can't, she becomes afraid that he will leave her for a woman who can.

We can agree to disagree. Most of the women I know who are in a relationship with a guy much younger are insecure about aging and catching a younger guy makes them feel better about it. Will any of them ever admit this? NO. But I can tell that is what it is. Especially, when I see them appeal to their boyfriends to seem like they have a young fun spirit when really they don't but they put on to keep him interested.

[Asker]

I suppose I'm basing it on the older women with younger men I know and you're basing it on the older women with younger men you know. To really know someone would have to do some significant study based on something better than just the ones they know.

I was very fortunate I still wanted kids and I was still able to get pregnant (twice).

[Opinion Owner]

The significant study has been done. It's called the stereotype, Cougar. Stereotypes don't come from thin air, they come from a studied group of people.

[Asker]

Stereotypes are based on some sort of various consensus of people in society’s view of a certain group of people. That’s not always accurate though. Many stereotypes are not accurate representations of the group they supposedly represent. I think the ‘cougar’ stereotype is one of them.

There are a couple true things here or there, but the vast majority of it is false

[Opinion Owner]

Agree to disagree. Take care.

[Anonymous]

Why am I not surprised with description number 1, remind me of something I've always hated but I know will never change.

It's because of that status quo, that's why the movie the 40 year old virgin is definitely not far from reality, and it's why the main star of the movie was male and I don't see there ever been a movie like that in which the main star is a woman. Should be quite obvious

[Asker]

I don't understand what you're saying about the 40 Year Old Virgin and how it relates to my question

[Opinion Owner]

I was saying the reason why men are far more likely to be celibate that long more than women are is because the burden of courtship or taking initiative falls on the guys shoulders

[Asker]

That’s kind of true, but not totally. Girls are a lot more likely to ask guys on the first date in today’s day. Even if she’s a bit more old school in that she wants the guy to ask her out first she’ll still drop heavy hints she wants him to ask her out (if she likes him).
However, I don’t think that has so much to do with an older woman-younger man age gap as how dating in our society works (regardless of age difference)

[Asker]

However, in my case I didn’t drop hints or ask him out. I thought he was hot but way too young for me. I flirted with him quite a bit, but I assumed that’s all it would go to because of the age difference. When he asked me out I was very surprised and quite hesitant due to the age gap. He kept pursuing me until I finally said ‘yes’ (which I’m very happy I did)

[Opinion Owner]

A lot of women are oblivious to a woman's subtle signs, the majority of women think they're making it obvious to the guy but a lot of guys are clueless or just don't notice those signs

[Opinion Owner]

14-18 seem to be the most common ages for virginity loss

[Miristheiss]

That will be a pretty picture in a few years. He'll be in the prime of middle age and you'll be ready for the retirement home and you in the middle of dementia.

Now and the next 5 years are probably the highlight of this relationship. After that... that age difference is going to get louder and louder and louder.

[aceleon]

aside from you not fitting the sstereotype of cougar and not being a cougar.

because young guy being able to attract an older woman is rarer and harder than an older guy finding a younger girl so people tends to justify it with some stereotypes cuz let's admit it is an unorthodox thing and people wants to put logical explanations into it.

[Asker]

Regardless, the stereotype is pretty untrue.

[Eifjf84jr]

Most large age gap relationships regardless if the male is older or its the female, generally desire control over the younger, experienced other person.

Barely legal women even argue this after the breakup with some 30 yr old guy. Except they describe it as grooming. Its control.

Same concept when the genders are reversed.

[Asker]

When the woman is barely legal or in her early 20s that's probably more often true. However, once she hits her mid 20s then it usually becomes a lot less that way if she dates an older guy.

Even then, I think it's fair to say that when a woman dates a younger guy it's much more rare that he's in his late teens or early 20s than for a man dating a younger woman. However, there's still that 'cougar' word for women and nothing for men

[Dchrls78104]

I don't know. It's not even important. What is important is that you have found someone you like and the two of you make each other happy and are compatible.

[Asker]

I get that it's not important in the sense that it should affect our relationship. I'm just annoyed that so many believe such a false stereotype and I want to know where it comes from

[Dchrls78104]

Folly, maybe. The mindset might be, 'If you're (insert number) years older than he, it's bad; you won't have much in common; women age faster'. Emmanuel Macron of France is happily married for 14 years to a woman 24 years his senior. Like I said, compatibility is the important thing.

[Asker]

One of the only true things about the cougar stereotype directly contradicts one of the things you listed: the good majority of women with younger men look a fair amount younger than they are.

[Dchrls78104]

Did I not mention Emmanuel Macron?

[Asker]

Yes you did

[Ironic_Method]

Just because it's not true for you, doesn't mean it's not true in general.

I've had 3 flings with "cougars" in my 20s and they mostly fit your criteria.

[ThatNoUVAtYourEyes]

Pffff... for men it's much worse, you get labelled a pedophile for that age difference, treated like it's illegal, and by the older bitches who want to date you/want you as their younger boyfriend.
You don't have any right to date younger. Men do.

[Browneye57]

You seem desperate.
A boy-toy will never be your equal. EVER.

[Asker]

Again with the false stereotype. Despite being younger than me he's not my 'boy toy'. Our relationship is a lot more than just sexual

[Browneye57]

It will implode. Just give it some time.
You're 42 and he's 26? Laughable. Absolutely hilarious.
Just think, by the time he's your age you'll be in diapers. Yes, hilarious.

[Asker]

I’ll be 58 when he’s 42 so I’ll be far fro diapers. Moreover, I’ve kept myself in excellent shape/health and I don’t think I’m going to stop doing that anytime soon

[Browneye57]

Good luck honey. You and your boy toy. LOL

[vaanyac]

Shakespeare was a boy toy FYI. And the world respects him. I can see your maturity level here. Pity the women who live with you

[vaanyac]

I am 46 and he is 29. Way to go :)

[Jamie05rhs]

There's no reason to get annoyed. They're just teasing you. Relax. 😜

[Asker]

They’re teasing me, but a lot of them believe the false (and often degrading) things they’re teasing me about

[Jamie05rhs]

I'm sorry. 😔

[StephanieHH]

In my experience, there's barely a guy in their 20's/30's out there who wouldn't jump at the chance of being with an attractive woman in their 40's/50's.

[Anonymous]

I don't know you sound pretty defensive for someone who is just trying to explain that she isn't a 'stereotype'.

[Asker]

I'm not defensive per se. I'm just super annoyed that I constantly get barraged by people who believe the sterotype. If so many people believed a false stereotype about you you'd want to explain why it's extremely wrong too.

[bamesjond0069]

I think you're dreaming that its not common. That stuff is very common.