I feel pretty worthless and value-less even on my best days.
And since I've improved myself (gotten cut, learned 2 instruments during the pandemic, languages, origami, adopted my pups, attempted to forge a modelling/music/singing career in one of the hardest times to do that in) I find myself thinking about how hard I had to work to get to who I am now. The man I am now. In terms of values, morals and ideals I'm not too far off from that boy, still a hopeless romantic at heart waiting for my woman.
But... who will actually see that? Who would understand what it was like to be 20 at parties with the guys listening to stories of conquests and just holding onto my ideals? Or be a kid in high school at the dances alone knowing there's never any girl who'd want to go with me even though I always liked me and who I was back then. Sure, I was a shy loser nerd, but I liked me. I've always been smart and everything but I can't help but wonder... why would I only be worth anything now?
Why wasn't I worth anything to anyone back then? What was so wrong about me?
A major impetus for my changes was my crush and friend/mentor telling me upon me asking that, that my horrible personality was the reason why. She was wrong of course but I understood what she meant because when I met her at 22 I was indeed a "hot mess". I still kind of am in some ways.
But I just can't help but think about how I can never see anyone being able to convince me why they want me now versus when I liked myself the most when no one else did. And I'll never believe there's anyone out there who can make me feel special or important or loved like I matter more than the rest of the world.
I'm sure it's an incredible feeling to have.
I'm sure feeling someone who just wants their hands on you and wants their breath next to yours, to know everything about you, is powerful and invigorating.
What's your story?
And since I've improved myself (gotten cut, learned 2 instruments during the pandemic, languages, origami, adopted my pups, attempted to forge a modelling/music/singing career in one of the hardest times to do that in) I find myself thinking about how hard I had to work to get to who I am now. The man I am now. In terms of values, morals and ideals I'm not too far off from that boy, still a hopeless romantic at heart waiting for my woman.
But... who will actually see that? Who would understand what it was like to be 20 at parties with the guys listening to stories of conquests and just holding onto my ideals? Or be a kid in high school at the dances alone knowing there's never any girl who'd want to go with me even though I always liked me and who I was back then. Sure, I was a shy loser nerd, but I liked me. I've always been smart and everything but I can't help but wonder... why would I only be worth anything now?
Why wasn't I worth anything to anyone back then? What was so wrong about me?
A major impetus for my changes was my crush and friend/mentor telling me upon me asking that, that my horrible personality was the reason why. She was wrong of course but I understood what she meant because when I met her at 22 I was indeed a "hot mess". I still kind of am in some ways.
But I just can't help but think about how I can never see anyone being able to convince me why they want me now versus when I liked myself the most when no one else did. And I'll never believe there's anyone out there who can make me feel special or important or loved like I matter more than the rest of the world.
I'm sure it's an incredible feeling to have.
I'm sure feeling someone who just wants their hands on you and wants their breath next to yours, to know everything about you, is powerful and invigorating.
What's your story?
