Do you think it's more: "People being immature" or "People being selfish" that's ruining dating/relationships these days?

Question

Red_Dawn123 · Accepted Answer

Hmm, what a question to ponder by a still lake during a sunset. In my opinion, It’s both. See, I’ve only dated a handful of women throughout my 24 years on this earth. But each one of them had some degree of both selfishness and immaturity. I’m not above those things myself. I’m man enough to admit that I can be both of those things at times. And I think everyone can, but it’s up to the individuals in the relationship to work on that. Soooo many problems, break-ups, and heartaches because people choose not to communicate with each other, ya know…like adults? And say “hey this is really bothering me” or “I wanted to talk to you about such and such and see if we could COMPROMISE on this and that”. Instead of communicating and compromising and coming from a place of love, people sometimes act immature/selfish and whether consciously or unconsciously, have a “me me and…. me” mindset. I truly believe that for an adult relationship to work, both parties have to NOT come from a mindset of “hey what can This person do for me” or “what can I get out of this” but rather “What can I do for this person that I care about”? “How can I make this work for both of Us. Being in a relationship is a TEAM-EFFORT. Humans are naturally selfish, I get that. But I also get that we have big enough brains to be able to fathom putting others before ourselves sometimes.

Leoxen · Accepted Answer

Both. Outside of romantic relationships, these traits are so present nowadays, at least in my life. I can never understand why people can't just TALK. I mean... If someone did or said something that bothered you in any way, you can reach out to them and say ''Hey look, there's something i wanna talk about, because i felt bad about what you said/did bla bla bla bla'' but no, instead, most people choose the nuclear option and explode, bash, insult or start behaving indifferent towards that person like one single mistake is not allowed.

Am i the only one who thinks that most of our problems in daily life could be resolved if we just talk like the grown ups we are supposed to be? we can fuck up, we came to this life to do all kinds of things and sooner or later, we will hurt someone either on purpose or by accident, but we can always make up for it, we can always TALK, say sorry and move on. Why are people so stubborn and fail to realize that communication is what saves any kind of relationship?

So yeah, i think both are ruining relationships nowadays.

ManOnFire · Answer

Both go hand in hand. Selfishness is immaturity. Immaturity is part of selfishness, or can lead to selfishness. But I would say they both play a large part in it, yeah.

The ego is probably the biggest thing, although that would still indicate selfishness. The ego is what causes people to feel that they are better or can do better than their current partner. The ego is what tells people to cheat on their partner under the lie of "not feeling loved" instead of being honest and telling their partner they don't want to be with them anymore. The ego is what lies and makes some people believe they have such "high standards" that make others unqualified to date them, when their high standards are usually not anything to write home about.

If you look around you you will notice that simply not liking or loving a person you date or are in an actual relationship with is not the most destructive thing, rather it's that so many people's egos have lied to them and made them believe they're too good to be with others based usually on carnal and superficial reasons that really have nothing to do with love or caring about the person for who they are. Hence, the ego/selfishness. So selfishness would probably be the answer in some underlying form.

aWes0MeNeSs · Answer

Probably both, as selfishness can often be a byproduct of immaturity as well.

I see a lot of both traits compromising and ruining relationships. Both were factors in the end of both of my relationships.

Relationships end for all kinds of reasons, however, and sometimes it's just a case of incompatibility that is neither person's fault.

Lliam · Answer

When it comes to dating:
First, I'll mention that I see a lot of gender stereotyping. Quite a few guys and gals have a low opinion of the opposite gender. There is great distrust. Some of it is the result of personal experience (everyone has been hurt before), but much of it is due to the ability to reinforce negative feelings via social media.

It's like a form of bigotry toward all members of a group. This makes it impossible to believe that there are good people out there or to assess people on an individual basis.

So, I think the ability to seek out toxic opinions from damaged people on social media has damaged the modern dating scene more than anything else.

Second, it seems like there are lot of insecure people out there who don't even know how to interact. They are afraid. They want guarantees of compatibility before they'll even go on a date. Instead of just being themselves and enjoying the adventure of life, they are all in their heads. They over-think and psych themselves out. "Am I good enough?" "Is the other person perfect?"

Insecurity also leads to phoniness - affected behavior, body modification, too much focus on perfection. Obsessing about perfection is crazy making and can be paralyzing.

I think insecurity is a function of immaturity. And much of that immaturity is socially driven. It's a result of both peer pressure and consumer culture.

Selfishness is also related to immaturity. After all, kids and adolescents are self centered. On average, the female brain fully develops by around 21 years old. With males it's around age 25. Until then, they are still rather adolescent and self-centered.

Selfishness looks like sociopathy, where a person only cares about their own needs and desires and can't relate to the feelings of others. That isn't to say that all selfish people are sociopaths.

When it comes to dating, selfishness leads to a desire to get something like sex or free stuff. Instead of seeking connection, friendship, and mutual fulfillment, it's about self gratification. And when you seek gratification at the expense of another person, it is harmful.

I wouldn't say that selfishness is something new and I don't even know if there is more of if these days than in the past.

So, overall, since both selfishness results from lack of emotional development (immaturity), I'd say that immaturity ruins meaningful relationships but not necessarily dating. After all, immature people have been dating since time began. And, unfortunately, some people never become emotionally mature. However, insecurity, which is also a result of immaturity, does make dating more difficult.

In my opinion, the biggest reason for the increased difficulty in dating in recent years, is the first point I made about social media. That is the only thing that has really changed in the past 20 years. Social media has not only helped to inspire and reinforce negative opinions about opposite genders, but it has also contributed the the phenomenon I mentioned in my second point, where people don't know how to interact with others in person and are afraid to engage in real life beyond their electronic devices.

CaptainOverthink · Answer

Both, along with some other things.
I think devices, social-media, games and other instant-reward habits has shaped todays generation into going the "path of least resistance" once too often.
Opting for easy solutions and escape from hard decisions, commitment and emotional backlash.
And since it's normalized for everybody to go down that path now we're faced with this new meta-game of dating that rewards short-term things and flings over the ugly hard work needed to maintain stable relationships among other things.

Then you can throw in politics and a whole bunch of other reasons if you want and they will find their place as well.
But I think our odds as a society would be way better if we learned to rely on our hard work and hard learned mistakes more than instant-wisdom and pushover-solutions.

I think the term "immature" and "selfish" needs to be put into perspective here. Which is.. compared to what? Well, the way it used to be before we were living double lives, one online and one offline. These terms as voting-options paints a narrow view of the world, at least there was an 'other' option.
[Note to poll-creator: Not attacking you and no bad vibes, none escapes critique, certainly not myself. Maybe fraising could alleviate you of some of those people reading into the "mood of conveyance" in text, which in my opinion, is usually not correct anyhow].

The solution?
Get off you phone. Start meeting real people. You're outside of pop-culture? So be it.
Easier said than done? No shit.
It might not be a drug but it is a bad habit normalized into madness.
After some hard work on yourself and countless hours of rewiring you'll be much stronger and capable than you've felt in years. It only gets harder the longer we wait.

Generally I am NOT for goverment getting into our lives but maybe this is the exception. Because the way governments are run these days and the way media is conducting itself (another digitalizing cause).. none would believe them if they tried to tell us. Well, not for long and probably not in time.

Dragonpurple · Answer

It seems like a little of both, I'm not sure if its gaming or social media but younger people these days do not seem like adults, like it was when I was 18.

I've seriously had a young 22 year old apply for a job and when I asked him why he wanted the job, his response was "My mom says I need a job to get out of the house" uh yeah, no job for you.

I had a guy quit on me, cause he was too busy playing online games and said, the job was interfering with his play time. I thought if I was that kids parents, I'd cut his internet off right now.

Social media could have a similar effect, but I don't know. It seems like so many have stunted emotional growth and responsibilities.

Even had some women do similar things, just not as obvious. One worked but barely did the bare minimum, when I talked to her in a one on one I said your extremely smart and good, why don't you want to succeed to advance levels and get more pay. Her response was, she just isn't motivated and a bit lazy to do what is needed. She has zero ambition.

Here someone can advance and give themselves a pay raise, just learn the skills and pass the test.

Selfish could be part of it all though.

FifiJones · Answer

A few things there:

No one wants to be single, alone, self sufficient financially, and available. Almost everyone has this 'I need friends' or 'I am still attached to my ex' or 'could you rescue me' or 'I just need sex' sticker on their foreheads.
Most people in fact first look for their missing parent, the one they could not date as much as they wanted to, to give them protection - and only then START looking for a date. Most women expect to be allowed to have sex with at least two guys concurrently. Their entire set of goals in life is graspable once you accept that context - all they want is two boyfreinds (I never talk to those or engage them in any way - until they give me a girlfriend first, nothing to talk about).
Then, no one even allows dating the same headsize and colour scheme people, like it is illegal, a huge offence to... muslimo-Hindu pride.
Then you have the greed and the disinterest (since it isn't the headsize and colours scheme match in monogamy, but some deviation from it - usually for glitz/bling/pizazz and/or money/influence/power)

ObscuredBeyond · Answer

It's nearly impossible to separate these concepts, as the two go hand-in-hand. I'm reluctant to forfeit an argument entirely; but I'll make concessions if I think it will move us to a peaceful resolution. If she won't budge on anything, even in areas where any sane woman would see it would be fair, and won't make any concessions, that's a red flag.

I can think of one gal, who was also the epitome of selfish. Stashing behavior, after only a week! Trying to have absolute control. And when I told her (since it was an online thing) that my parents wanted proof she wasn't a catfish? She exploded, and said: "That's not my problem!" Right in the UDates chat!

So I treated her like a catfish, and deleted my account. Paid plant getting paid to string me along, while the site ate my money. They now get nothing, and she gets nothing. Their greed has sealed their fate.

Lionman95 · Answer

Both equality plus a time problem.
People don´t take the time to get to know each other. They expect to get to each other as quickly as possible.
I live next to an older couple in their 60s of age that dated for nearly 1,5 years to figure out if they want to be a relationship with the prospect of marriage. (They have been together now for nearly 40 years straight, without cheating on another and being the first relationship both them had)
That´s something that sounds outrageously long today, today people take three or four dates at best to make that decision.
Rembering my tinder experience it took at longest some minutes to figure out if I like a female profile or not.
Because we are so impatient, we don´t get to know the other person thoroughly but make decisions based on shallow aspects.

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

I think that people are looking for a partner who is killed with beauty and they are average looking but wants to meet Miss America or Mr. America so if they meet
someone who is average looking they go out on a date and it doesn't work out
then they ghost that person and still hope to meet that Miss America or Mr. America
believe it or not, this happens I have a pic of me from May of 2017, I believe I'm
far from ugly but not no Prince Charming, yes sadly it happens in life I guess
that is something we got to swallow, all my ex-GF's were not killed with beauty
but I was attracted to them and yes we did make out, no sex cause I have
religious beliefs

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

Both can be true, immature and selfish and they are immature because they are selfish, these 2 words works with each other and when someone is immature and selfish than he/she will in their relationship because they aren't able to give or truly love.. etc

Also they become self absorbed and thinking that they can get everything and do not want to give a thing and they think that they are always right while the other is wrong...

They also think that they are always the victims while they aren't!

ChiTown33 · Answer

Maybe a LITTLE bit of both. But I'd say it's more the third option. I think most people now-a-days apply past traumas to new relationships. You can't have a successful relationship in the present or future if you stay mired in the failures of the past.
Honestly after reading the actions of so many on G@G it really makes me wonder if anyone can be fully trusted. I mean I do fine alone. What is a relationship really worth?
This is why my advice is really get to know someone before committing to them. I think you save yourself a lot of heartbreak in the long run. But for some reasons that receives downvotes from some women on here. Which I know why they're down voting. But when you think about it it makes no sense.

Medicalbug · Answer

If I had to guess. When it comes to relationships, I am immature and selfish -but, I would like to experience the full extent of that before (or if) I have any serious commitments. I have tried before, and it was always the same thing - I wasn't really in it 100% and the guy wasn't either. Most of the time, each of us was too consumed by our own lives and what we wanted to notice the other person.
I think human lifespans are just to short for the full palette of experiences we can have in today's world. It was a lot simpler back when people had less and had to settle for more simplicity in life. 20 years was enough to settle down for life, which wasn't that long either. Nowadays, there is always something new, a new path to take, a new adventure beckoning - and not many of us are very adult at 20. We just need more time and modern medicine still has to catch up with that.

19magic · Answer

In my opinion is more that people don't want relationships, both girls and boys thinks it's too much work and much easier to get the fuck buddies. Or for myself and several others I know on Facebook, people are just too broken to be able to handle a relationship whether you class that as immaturity or selfishness I don't know.

I know in the past I felt a bit like there's no possible way that any guy would ever like the real me. So there's no point in even trying for a relationship, let's just go and be a fuck buddy. So probably with everything in life it's a bit of both.

SpiderManFan2002 · Answer

I’d say it depends on the situation but overall it’s both.

That and also people being mature, realizing neither one of them is a bad guy, but that they’re just not right for each other, and instead of chasing something that will lead to a dead end, calling it quits, accepting the hurt, moving on, and healing with time.

exitseven · Answer

I think people have unreasonable expectations about relationships. Guys only want to date super models that will want to have sex with them any time they want. Girls want a built guy that drives a Ferrari. THey see people's profiles online and think they are real and that if they mess up one relationship they can just go out and get another one.

AdithyaR · Answer

I'd say immaturity. I read a lot of reddit posts about people asking relationship advice about something that's happened. 90% of those were due to poor communication and the partners acting immature and petty rather than dealing with things like adults.

CluelessFirefly92 · Answer

It's people not knowing how to have a healthy relationship. A bit of selfishness isn't bad, and having maturity issues does not automatically make a relationship fail. Some people don't actually know how to date in a healthy way, and that's more normal than most are willing to admit. It's tough navigating through complex emotions, and there's no one-size-fits-all explanation because each relationship is different, just as the people in it are different. It's a question of how much both parties are able and willing to go through all the messy parts, accepting that it's not a fairytale story like what a lot of books and romance movies portray, and that there are two flawed individuals in it who need to work together.

dustybiker · Answer

Corrupted. A lot of the Q’s on here make it seem respect has been lost, on both sides. Expectations of bad outcomes and knee-jerk reactions are often at he ready. So glad I’m not out there.

nawtee_me · Answer

Selfish and sometimes on the parts of both of them. Relationships and dating take work from both people involved. A lot of times one or the other or even neither are willing to put out any effort. Sometimes all it takes is listening and acknowledging the other person. Whether one or the other or neither of their points of view are correct, each of them have a right to their opinion and the right to be heard. Working through it is where people can become selfish...

raven6933 · Answer

I chose something else because there was no combination of the two. These are not mutually exclusive. Just because your old doesn't exclude you from being immature. We have a large population of the country that proves this every day🙄.

Finchie40 · Answer

Both , usually when someone is selfish they are immature as well , so it seems most people today carry both those traits and don’t know what it means to be in a relationship , they only really care about themselves

AndrewMG · Answer

Good question as you can grow out of immaturity easier than you can grow out of being fundamentally selfish. I'd go for selfishness is the biggest hindrance to dating success as there's a natural cause to Immaturity (eg. get older lol)

Kabluie · Answer

Immature is probably #1. Good example is instead of speaking up, someone bottles things up until things explode is the worst thing you could do to your partner. They can't read your mind, you're supposed to navigate a path together.

Adam1978 · Answer

I would say ignorant and delusional. Their parents never told them how a good relationship works and what it takes to be in one. That includes what you can expect from a partner and at what stage.

Ninania · Answer

Immaturity. People play games and hide things from both themselves and others rather than face their emotions and work to improve. They're stuck in unhealthy patterns of lashing out and miscommunicating.

JosyJosy · Answer

Immature or Insecure. Problems that could have been resolved by communicating gets ignored until it becomes a bigger deal than it should have

PositiveNote · Answer

I think it's people not knowing the first thing about personal relations. I swear! so many just don't know how to talk to someone—let alone the opposite sex!

ohshee · Answer

In many cases if you're one of them you're both of them for some reason nowadays it's all about the me me me world and what I really hate are these people are going to be our next politicians

GenerallyNervous · Answer

Immaturity is the bigger problem in my opinion. People need to figure themselves out before getting into relationships. Otherwise it's easy to get into toxic, codependent relationships where you end up blaming the other person for changing you. You need to know who you are and what you're willing to compromise on before getting into a relationship, and a lot of people aren't doing that

Massageman · Answer

People BEING immature and people BEING selfish is fairly much the same, at least in genre. Kind of like the adult version of the 5-decade-old "Marshmallow Test", but you knew that, Brain! ref Stanford

Dchrls78104 · Answer

BOTH! People today that enter relationships are often a bunch of bratty, entitled, and temperamental kids who want to play with penises and vaginas when they should really be playing with dolls, Lego sets, and plasticine.

Anonymous · Answer

My ex was extremely selfish and that's why I broke up with him. I think people break up because of selfishness more often. But I confess that I was very immature because I used to slap his balls all the time as a joke lol.

FreyaRed · Answer

Hedonistic pursuit that is strongly promoted in modern societies together with disdain for family and monogamy is basing entirely on egoism.

BungusHighFivePizza · Answer

maturity is more difficult than selfishness so i vote dat. people can mean well and still be irresponsible

Alyssa_11 · Answer

Oh gosh. This is tough. From my experience it’s a mix of both.

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

Being selfish and immaturity sometimes go hand in hand, therefore it could be a bit of both.

Stephen_77 · Answer

Obviously it's a combination of both. But for years I said the main problem is lack of commitment. And then all of a sudden a new study came out in America that said the biggest cause of failed relationshops is lack of commitment, something I was saying for years. In the olden days a man and woman would start dating and if they liked each other they would get married, have children, and spend the rest of their lives together. Only a small percentage got divorced. But these days as soon as people get a bit bored they just move onto something else. People today are seeking pleasure rather than happiness. Yes there are some people who stay together and make it work, but it's a fact that people aren't as committed today as what they were 50-100 years ago. And yes, I do put most of the blame on women.

EmisElite · Answer

That's a good question. I would enjoy hearing your opinion on it. What are your thoughts?

Lynx122 · Answer

There's a lot of both ^^ I can't say which one there's more of :)

007kingifrit · Answer

its decadence; we live in a society with too much wealth and safety and too many luxuries people don't know how to sacrifice, haven't experienced hardship. hardship makes us grow up

Nomoturtle · Answer

Both. They're similar.  People that don't mature often have no greater ideals to aspire to other than hedonism, and thereby can think of no greater act than selfishness.

FatherJack · Answer

A & B , definitely both. A larger portion of selfishness though.

Kiran_Yagami · Answer

Both, I'd say. Selfishness is probably more at play than immaturity, but there is no shortage of immaturity in today's dating world.

fonduegirl · Answer

There are some who don't even know what they are in for. Relationships are so overrated by media that people have this mindset "ooh i should get one of those" like getting a date is nothing major

ElvenMr · Answer

I think it's both, or it's some kind of combination of those two.

Shiningtempest · Answer

@brainsbeforebeauty People being both immature & selfish are the reason why dating/relationships crumble these days.

Smegskull · Answer

I think it is more technology has advanced so fast that it is exploiting our biological drives (Just as casinos do).

driven159 · Answer

Its both plus people want things right now no patients

jshm2 · Answer

Neither.  People are just watching too many movies, and wrongly think that is how life works.

Hulk30 · Answer

because every behavior such as selfishness has a root cause which is emotional immaturity

lunargoddess · Answer

A little bit of both. And it's usually one being selfish and one being immature.

termanator · Answer

I think it’s all the rampant pre-marital sex that is ruining relationships today, nothing is special anymore !

RedStiletto88 · Answer

I’m going to say both

lrina · Answer

kind of both, but i think it's generally selfish

CrazyGirl2 · Answer

I think it’s a little bit of both!

Nephilim000 · Answer

Don't you think they are two sides of the same coin

Citizenkirk · Answer

I think you are seeing relationship pandemics where none exist

Nagahime · Answer

I feel like it's a little bit of both

humanearth · Answer

I think both and I would add greed

Anonymous · Answer

I think it's something else  Too much working because the economy has gone to hell just like how stay at home parents have disappeared, now they don't even have the time to get that far

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