I hate that I miss him... I hate that I chose not to be commited & I hate that I don't know how to go about this. Is he pulling away finally?

[Anonymous]

My friends with benefits & i have been messing around for a few months short of a year. We both admitted of our feelings for each other at one point or another but we haven't actually dated because he travels a lot for work & its just not doable for us at the moment. To preserve our friendship we've kinda created what we call "butterfly timeouts ". & its basically if we hook up we rarely talk for a day or 2 just to give each ither space... & also when either of us feel like we're getting too clingy or simpy we kinda take a break from hooking up & talking daily like we usually do (TOXIC ik ). Anyways we usually won't go more than a day or 2 wirhout at least sending a short message & honestly never more than a week or 2 if he's in town without hooking up. Well I called a butterfly timeout 2 weeks ago now& since then he's barely hmu & he hasn't even initaed to hook up. We haven't talked otp & have barely texted each other... I've initiated conversation & he responded like a day & half later... so after that i haven't reached out... & well its been 3 days of no contact on ekther sides. & im sad :( i dont want to reach out to give him his space & see where he's at.. as well which obviousky seeems like he's doing his own thing

[HollyK21]

It’s ok to miss him, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for having feelings — you’re human. However I don’t think this is a healthy arrangement to stay in and it’s better to walk away. If he won’t commit now, he never will, at least not to you. I firmly believe in “if he wanted to, he would”. There are men who are boyfriends, husbands, etc in a committed relationship despite a demanding job. Entrepreneurs, millionaires, all that, they have wives and children at home that understand what they signed up for but want to be with him regardless and vice versa. You know this. Your guy isn’t with you because he doesn’t not want to commit and his job isn’t going anywhere, so why stick around hoping for a change? By continuing in that arrangement all you are doing is depriving yourself of a real relationship and connection with someone who can give what you deserve. Time is only going to pass, you are going to get older and before you know it you are looking back at those years you missed enjoying with an actual partner by committing to this dead end situation. That’s a huge disservice. Give yourself more credit for your ability to be strong and walk away from that. Don’t turn back until he has a better offer on the table.

[Asker]

Ugh say it louder for the people in the back. I guess i shoukd mention he has offered better but I've been the one to deny the offer because i dont think i could deal with that rn... like he's literally om board & if anything im the toxic one that doesn't believe wed work out like this rn... But ik i wmat him too... i went out last weekend & found myaelf not intrested in the people i was dancing with & just wishing i was with him & not there... like im the complicated one... & i think he's finally getting tired...& as much as i miss him im half hoping he doesn't rwach out & moves on :(... so at least i can say we didn't work out..

[HollyK21]

Tbh I think it is very healthy and mature of you to acknowledge your faults, because a lot of individuals would rather act as though they’re faultless and that’s just delusional, so good on you! I totally understand the conflict of still wanting him and stuff, but at the root of it you do know it’s not good for you. Just like LDRs are not suited for everyone, an overly busy partner doesn’t work as well. Being honest with yourself, you want a different sort of situation and not this — that is very much OK. But it’s hard to put that into motion and actually leave when there’s feelings involved, especially like this where he’s actually willing to commit, so you feel like something is wrong with you or you need to change. But do not adjust your standards to accommodate his unavailability, or this situation in general. If you want something different then give yourself that. Is it going to be hard? Absolutely, separating yourself from someone you love and a situation you’ve invested so much time in is the shittiest. But it needs to be done. You are strong and more capable than you think. You can do it. And who knows, maybe time apart in a real way will change your mind and feel like you can work with what he’s got going on. But you won’t know until you try and right now something has got to give.

[Preston_Tatum]

Please understand when I say this I do not mean to sound like a jerk. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. You both decided that you did not want a romantic commitment but you wanted the icing on the cake that comes with that type of relationship. It sounds like you obviously have a thing for him more than physical aspects. I do however think that you are right for giving him space. Unless this guy makes six digits a year and works endlessly, He may not be interested as much for avoiding you. I am referencing the day and a half to respond back. In today’s world, people are always on their phones so unless he’s working a lot with his excuse? As I said earlier, I think that you are right To give him space. A friend of mine once told me that if you are a priority, someone will reach out to you in a week. If that person does not reach out to you in a week, then that says it all. I am sorry that you were going through this I hope that what is best works out for you.