I miss him but I shouldn't, when will I let go?

[Anonymous]

Our relationship was rocky out of the gate. I think now, "why didn't you listen to your intuition when the red flags went up?" Why didn't I? I wouldn't be sitting here with a broken heart - a heart I've let him break 20 times over now. I tell myself that this has got to be the last time - and yet, I miss him so much. Why? I gave him my heart and it didn't mean much to him. I feel the woman he truly loved - his ex who is now about to get married - is who he wanted though he told me repeatedly he was over her. I ask myself, why was she the one and I wasn't? I was so good to him. Will he ever regret what he's done? Will he ever miss me? Somedays its all I think about. Why, when I have nothing to regret, when I was honest with him, faithful, loyal, supportive - when he was really none of those things, do I still have feelings for him and - yes - wish he would call? I think about him moving on, most likely much easier than me, and it hurts so much. How do I cope? I signed up on a bunch of dating sites. A friend told me for the last year (besides constantly telling me to break up with this guy) that I needed to "fill the void" but many days it makes my depression worse.

[bigblueeyes1]

wow, this is exactly how my most recent ex was. We broke up more times than I can count and he hurt me so much. he was mentally and a little physically abusive. I saw red flags all over the place, but I ignored them or he convinced me that what I "thought" was the truth was just my insecurities. he was a very good "smooth talker" and talked his way out of a lot. and every time we broke up I kept telling myself that I HAD to move on. that he was no good for me. but I loved him, and the thought of him with someone else sickened me. and the fear of me not finding anyone else also kept me with him. eventually though he finally broke up with me (4 mths ago) and we haven't talked in about 7 weeks. I was devasted and did all the things you shouldn't do...called, teexted, begged, cried, emailed. he got ugly, he told me he was with someone else and how much happier he was without me

he also continued to abuse me by putting ALL the blame on me. it was MY FAULT he moved on so quickly, MY FAULT he broke up with me, MY FAULT that there was no chance to reconcile.

but still...i miss him (sometimes). crazy huh? so I know what your going through. there is no reason in the world why we should miss these jerks or shed any more tears over them. there is no reason why we should care what they are doing with their life. but we do. and I guess it just proves that we were more invested then they were.

avoidance is key. no contact at all with him and tell any mutual friends that you may have that you DO NOT want to hear anything about him. I don't know how you feel, but I feel that my ex destroyed the person who I was before I met him. I am always sad, depressed. I am 10 times more mistrusting of men and am 10 times more pickier now than ever which is unfair to the truly good guys out there.

i have learned so much from that relationship though and hopefully you did to. because if you didnt, you went and are going through all this pain for nothing! and if he gets with someone quickly, it just shows how insecure HE is because he is so scared to be alone. you on the other hand, hopefully know what you do and don't want and are secure enough with yourslef that you will not settle for just any guy. I wish you the best of luck and sorry for the long answer. I hope you feel better soon

[Asker]

Thank you :). I've never gone through this b4. Hate 2 think I fell 4 the old "I have 2 have him because he doesn't want me." But I often wondered if that was his "game." I always felt like he was "on," that somewhere along the way the guy who he was - or who he should have been - got buried & that all the years of "playing the game" had become who he now was. He'd often boast that "all his exes" had wanted him back & seemed proud of the fact that the girl he went out w/b4 me was surprised he didn't chase her

[bigblueeyes1]

Yeah I know what you mean. Looking back on my relationship I think he was "on" too. And once we had our first fight...his true colors came out. I don't believe in the whole "we want what we can't have" thing. I wanted my ex back because I loved him, not because he was telling me I couldn't have him. My ex used to say he knows he could get someone else. He didn't say someone BETTER, just someone else. And I told him "u may find someone to sleep with...but you will never find someone who will stay".

[Asker]

Sounds like we dated the same guy. Mine always let me know his exes had wanted him back & he could find someone else. It was my sister, rather than me, who'd constantly say, "Yeah, he'll find someone, but he'll never keep her. Look at the track record." He wrote me a long email the other day. Broke my heart all over again & I didn't feel I could reply but I did & I told him goodbye, that I was done & moving on. I know that I have 2 do just that but I've reread my email 100 X today. He didn't reply.

[Anonymous]

:( I'm sorry and I really do know how you feel. Reading your story just reminds me of my ex. But just let me tell you somthing, if he ever comes back just don't accept him because those kind of guys know when they have us in the palm of their hand so when they feel like leaving their going to leave but they will feel confident in returning back because they know how we feel about them and think we will always be here for them with open arms. Someday he's going to feel lonely and come back but this time just stay strong, believe me I know it's tough but if we keep giving chances hoping to make the relationship better, well then you're never going to heal. It sucks but it's the truth. It's better to just wait for someone who does appreciate. But if that person never comes, well better single than always heartbroken.

[Asker]

Thank you so much. I hate to say it, but I posted comments about him TWO years ago on this site (when we had only been going out 4 mos) and EVERYONE told me to let him go. Even my sister told me - over and over (x 100) - to "dump the loser" that he "will never be a decent human being & that is why he's gone through so many girlfriends." Yet I didn't listen to anyone. He trampled me time & again - even hurt me physically like your ex did. And yet I spent all last year helping him w/his court case

[Asker]

(cont)... I began 2 suspect the only reason he stayed - tho I gave him my friendship (even after what he'd done) as well as my support - was because he wanted 2 make sure I remained on his side 4 court. His (almost) last words 2 me were "will you still tell the prosecutor we're going out if she asks?" I couldn't believe it. I did so much 4 him. Worse, I was left w/a renovation that he was in the middle of & now can't finish it because I don't have the $. But I felt I had 2 do it. Now he's free & I'm left w/this.

[Confused232323]

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[Luopio27]

There are plenty of d***s in the sea. Its in the human nature to want what we can't have. Maybe God wans us to meet the wrong people so that when we finally meet the right ones, we know how to apriaciate their company. When it comes down to relationships, it usually takes half the time to get over it than the relationship actually lasted. So in your case, the flashbacks of all those good times is bringing you down.

I think you answered your own question. You said you were faithful, loyal, supportive, and he was none of those things. If he is none of those things, you must have a strong will to be the angel that looks over his shoulder, but that guy doesn't see the need to be any of those things. I don't have all the answers but moving on might be the best thing to do, because those couples who put equal commitment to the relationship, is what lasts.

Stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Sorry that happened to you, just stay away from him. Remember, nobody leaves this world without paying the things they did wrong. If he tries to contact you again, ignore him. If it's possible, change your phone number, e-mail, and everything he knows about you. Then he will see what he lost.