There’s a guy who really likes me and I really like him back, but I get really nervous and I just can’t relax, what should I do to try to relax?

[Anonymous]

He really likes me and I like him a lot, but I’ve had some negative experiences with guys and (I’m really not a confrontational or brave person when it comes to this) now I just can’t relax once the subject of them having a crush on me comes up. I used to be fairly ignored by guys until 5th grade when I moved to a different state. In 6 months, no less than 3 guys confessed to having a crush on me and I was really freaked out. The next 2 years (a good portion of those two years being during the pandemic) made me really high strung and skittish. Two more guys confessed and all I wanted was to hang out with my friends and not deal with guys. The most recent guy, tho, is really sweet and I like him a lot. There was a school dance downtown and he asked (approached me at lunch and my two friends I was hanging out with ditched me to watch what would happen from behind a nearby tree despite the fact that one was wearing neon pink tie dye) if I would like to hang out with him at the dance and I said yes. When I got there (a half hour late because my sis wanted to do my makeup, which she did amazingly, and my mom wanted to do my hair) I walked into the lobby and my friends told me how sad he looked waiting for me and when I walked in, the song “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran was playing and the way he looked at me made me want to melt. My friend literally handed me off to him to dance and I was shaking like a leaf. I always get so nervous and awkward but in the end it was the best night of my life. I want to be less high strung and more relaxed around him but don’t know how, got any tips?(ps, srry bout how long this is and I’m not making any of it up, all of it actually happened)

[AustinTXGuy]

I think you've just built up some of this anxiety from the past experiences and are carrying it with you. We like to do this a lot as humans, it's ok and normal. But all those other times when you didn't want attn don't matter, bc now you do want this boys attn. Stop. Take a deep breath and look at the situation in your mind. You're getting to know a guy you like and who likes you. There is a subtle difference between being anxious and being excited. Excitement is just an optimistic version of anxious. Choose the be excited instead. You're bound to make mistakes and that's ok. You habe a voice to take things at your own pace and if he likes you as much as you think, he will gladly respect that voice, so use it. Express what you want and don't want when the time is right. There is no rush to do anything. Get to know each other and let go of the idea that there are some expectations looming over your head. Be yourself, thats who he likes after all!!

[Anonymous]

Well you’re nervous but you’ve made it to being with him and definitely knowing he likes you. So I understand the nervousness but you can feel better about it since you both like each other - he won’t care if you actually say what you wanted to. Like when you’re unsure of if you should say or do something, he will still should be interested, and if he doesn’t like what you said he still shouldn’t care. If he really likes you he won’t get upset. If you make an awkward situation then it’s something to laugh about

[iam_ss]

When you get high strung, what is it that you’re afraid of happening when you are around him? And what is it that you want to happen?

[Asker]

I’m afraid of messing up or something happening that flips my life. I want to be able to hang out with him and not be terrified because I know it’s an irrational fear and I shouldn’t be worried or scared. I get frustrated with myself after something happens because if I just opened up a bit and relaxed, things might be better. I really like him and I want things to go well. I have had a bad experience with guys and ever since then I can’t relax at all after the subject of crushes comes up between us. This is different, though. This time I really like him and I really want this to work out. Before I found out, he was really nice and we were friends. We have a lot of the same interests and at times can both be a bit nerdy lol.

[iam_ss]

Well you want him to stay in your life so the fear of messing up and losing him is perfectly natural.

Your poor encounters from the past planted the seeds of anxiety— what went wrong then? But even if you could take the insights from your history and try to integrate them to your now for a better experience, this thing with him is a completely different situation and he is a completely different person from the guys you mentioned.