How do you communicate with someone who is angry and easily triggered?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend who I’ve been dating for almost 2 years now is beginning to show his true colors: passive aggressive, dismissive, and he likes to shift the blame on me. The thing is whenever I try to communicate my feelings he just gets angry and put the blame on me, he would say that I’m childish and immature.

Lately he’s been getting triggered over simple questions like: Are you going out for lunch tomorrow? (We usually always go out for lunch together). He got angry and immediately assumed that I no longer want to go out for lunch with him anymore then immediately stop responding to my texts, like wth?

I feel like I always have to tip toe around him lately but when I offer him space he just got pissed and assumed that I just wanted to leave… please help

Updates

1 y

So I realize the problem is that he gets too defensive and feel attacked during a confrontation. I realize that talking about it in third-person actually helps for him to see things objectively. Thank you so much everyone for your responses, every one of you is super helpful!!

[Iwant2kno]

Always make it clear that your intentions are to communicate better. Most arguments and reactions start with misunderstandings and lack of communication.

[Asker]

That’s exactly what I did, I never used any accusatory statements and always use “I” statements so that I won’t come across as attacking or accusing him but he legit gets triggered by just about any simple questions 😣

I’m thinking of just giving him space since he ignored my text asking if he needed some space anyway and wait for him to reach out first but if after a couple of days he still won’t reach out then I’m done

[Iwant2kno]

As sad as it sounds, perhaps you should consider ending the relationship because he sounds immature and like someone who still has a lot of work to do on himself. It seems like you are not his priority and in that case is best if you move on unless he understands he has this issue and wants to improve.

[Asker]

Yeah sadly I’ve also been considering maybe just ending it… I don’t think he’s capable to reflect on his actions and how it affected me/our relationship. Thank you so much for the advice though, I appreciate it!

[ohshee]

Sometimes you have to take it a little bit deeper and be 100% honest with yourself there's no way to communicate with him so why would you he's trying to tell you exactly who he is and if you buy into it did you buy into him treating you that way and I don't think that's cool I think you need to make a choice because he's not going to change it's going to get worse

[Asker]

I know 😔 but I still want to give him a chance to prove it wrong, I’m beginning to see the red flags tho

[ohshee]

Well it's none of my business but I think that you probably have given him more than one chance already and if that's the case it's more than red flags just don't be like the girls and give him another chance and another chance and another chance you need to get away while you still can because if it keeps happening over and over and over he's not going to let you go until maybe you hurt you to wear look accidents happen when guys like him get out of control and they're angry they're pissed off they do crazy weird things in the slightest little accident f****** your whole life there's nobody in this world that is more important than you and you have to understand that it's not the end of the world to walk away from the sky I guarantee it was going to happen again and again in life with other guys you're going to get together you going to break up ask anybody else on here if they're still with their first guy second guy third guy fourth guy fifth guy they will all say no they're not and if you ask him was your boyfriend like my boyfriend did he treat you the same way 50% of them will say yes you have to do the right thing for you you cannot save this guy if you wanted to be saved he would be doing it himself and no matter what you say to him he's going to promise you the Moon he's going to promise you he will never do it again and that's a lie just be careful I know you have to do this just because of whatever reason but just be careful because sometimes it doesn't work out and some girls are not around because of that because some stupid happen because they gave them one more chance and one more chance just be careful

[Asker]

I have actually given him a lot of chances and in the past he would usually work on himself pretty quick right after but this time around he’s too focus on his ego being hurt… I have slowly eased him into what’s been going on inside my head and how much I’m hurting, he’s been receptive and I think he’s finally realizing just how much his actions are affecting me. Let’s hope for the best!

[ohshee]

Here's the thing you will never know if you were to walk away from him and let him change on his own he's only manipulating if he's changing for a little while and then going right back to the same thing but if you ever want to walk away give him a long. Of time to prove that he has changed I don't think they will I think he's just doing whatever it takes in that moment to get you back

[Asker]

Yes I agree. He’ll definitely need to do some self reflection and I don’t think he can do it if I’m still around. I’ve been considering asking for some space away from him or just fully ending it altogether but I’m still undecided…

[ohshee]

Yeah I don't think that you're undecided I think you know the right thing to do the down in your heart deep you wanted to go the other way there's nothing wrong with that just have to weigh the options and except whatever happens happens if you do decide to go that way even though you know the right way to go we've all been there and we've all done the wrong move but sooner or later we do the right move and we always wish can we listen to ourselves in the first place

[Asker]

Yeah I’m just conflicted bc he has been my best friend but lately it’s been hard to be around him… thank you so much for the thorough advice though, you’ve been super helpful! I just gotta really take some time to really think about what I want and what’s best for me

[ohshee]

Just be careful it sound like if you were to walk away he's going to snap and make it all about himself if he dies that then it's all a be like big manipulation that he's doing on you because if he can really hear you and if you really loves you he's going to give you that space or he's going to prove to you in a heartbeat who is how is by what he says and does he will stay completely calm and cool give you a big hug and say I'm sorry okay you will make it all about you not himself once he turns the tables it makes it about himself it's all a big manipulation

[Honesttguy]

He likes to play victim card, so you have to feel bad.
Dont fall for that shit, its his choice to be victim not your fault its his own decision.
Toxic indeed when u decide you want fresh oxygen you will leave him and feel the breath filling your lungs for first time in long time.

[Asker]

Exactly, when I feel sad and down he likes to flip it around and make it about him instead but when I call him out on it he’ll go “why do you always make everything about you? So I’m not allowed to be sad too?” It’s getting exhausting…

[LazerBean]

All you need to communicate is that you don't have time for such BS and move on.

[Asker]

Ugh I so wish I could just do that lol I guess my feelings for him is blinding me

[WhitneySnow]

Your first sentence makes me think he’s really not the right guy for you

[Asker]

That’s what I’m afraid of tbh, he’s usually very sweet and nice but lately it’s been very hard… When we had arguments in the past we usually would just talk things through but this time around he just seems too angry and triggered all the time :(

I know he’s under a lot of stress at work though, but that’s still no excuse to treat someone like a punching bag

[WhitneySnow]

I totally agree

[Wise4myage]

Very carefully, lol.

[Asker]

Yeah lol it’s like walking on eggshells