She Wants My Emotional Support, After Leaving Me Hanging For Another Man And Trying To Friendzone Me?

[Anonymous]

A while ago a woman approached me, pursued me, love bombed & sex bombed me.

It was going great, very quick start, instant rapport.

She was rebounding and struggling with depression.

Her ex, who wants her back, found out about me, threw a monkey wrench into the mix, by giving her a real tough time over her dating someone else.

She didn't communicate what she wanted/needed (in terms of emotional support), but, kept stringing me along while becoming more resentful towards me for not showing up how she expected.

Without warning, this was followed by her abruptly dropping me for another guy, immediately after I respectfully let her know I didn't like the way she was now treating me.

She posted to Facebook that he "saved her" from her depression, provided her the emotional support I was not yet giving.

While with the new guy, she was still trying to get my attention, with various Facebook posts which were clearly about me. For example, some were angry about my 'lack of caring', one trying to guilt trip me into the friendzone, etc. etc..

Fast forward to a few months later, with very little contact between us, she is now turning to me to provide her emotional support again.

Clearly the replacement guy hasn't been able to keep up with how much emotional support she needs, otherwise she wouldn't be turning to me.

I do care about her, and it hurts to know that she's suffering while I could help her a bit.

But at the same time, she has disrespected and hurt me in multiple ways, and I'm not interested in being just friends.
Even giving her a second chance romantically would be questionable.

I let her know that I want to help her, but this currently wouldn't be good for my own well being, and to shoot me a message if she becomes single.

I'm now less sure of my decision in doing that.

I have two questions:
- Why is she looking to me for emotional support now?
- Is there a way for me to actually help her, while not harming myself, and not friendzoning myself?

Updates

1 y

To clarify, the new guy she jumped to was not her ex, rather, a third man altogether

They had been dating for <1 week prior to "being in a relationship", based on her back-dating of the Facebook relationship status.

I suspect they started talking at least a few days prior to that, when she was going hot/cold via text after her ex threw that monkey wrench in.

I could sense something was up, but didn't know it was nearly this bad, and was waiting until the next time I saw her in person to talk.

[Anonymous]

I would cut ties with her. You’re feeling bad about not being her shoulder to cry on, but is she feeling bad when she strings you along, gets back with her ex or pulls any of the bs she currently does? Nope. Clearly you are interested in this woman, but you do yourself no favors by being “that guy” who lingers around waiting for her to be single. Why? Because she can’t be with you. I’m not even talking about just giving you a title, but the fact that she’s emotionally unhinged and struggling with mental illness. You can’t save people like that, they have to take real interest in their own well-being and save themselves. She doesn’t need to be anyone’s girlfriend right now and can’t healthily commit, and she proves that by going back to her ex but still turning to you. If you got into a relationship you wouldn’t be exempt of that exact behavior, and you shouldn’t want to be a last resort choice anyway. So even if it’s hard as hell, do yourself a big favor and let her go.

[HateyouxD]

Leave her be lol

You both want eachother it's obvious but what I dont get is to me... its obvious she had trouble vocalizing what she wants. The only way you could of helped her was just asking her!!! Like how hard is that? I'm shocked right now lol

[HateyouxD]

Asking her " what is it you want from me"
Instead of neglecting her and leaving HER stranded because she didn't know how to say she needed help. Or suggest therapy. She needs it. Let her get healed extend your help but dont be her crying shoulder SHE will for sure friendzone you

[Asker]

I was going to ask her, the next time we saw each other in-person.

I didn't know what had happened with the ex, or how bad it was, found that out later on.

[Asker]

It took me several weeks to actually understand what went wrong.

In real-time, it was more difficult to know what was going on.
I've just described it more clearly in the OP, because hindsight is 20-20.

If she hadn't done the various Facebook posts about the 'caring' issue, I would still probably be questioning what went wrong.
There were a few other things which could have been the issue, but I have since ruled them out as less significant in comparison to the caring issue.

Her behaviour changed after her ex did what he did, but, not enough for me to be overly alarmed, or to know how much she was really struggling.

It wasn't until afterwards that I found out she was crying herself to sleep, but not telling me about that.

I was also cautious about getting too deep too quickly, because I have been abruptly hurt in the past a few times by these fast moving romances.

We still had another date planned, she was pumping that date up a tonne just 3 days prior to it, and expressing interest in other ways.
Hence the string along and less reason for concern that something was really bothering her.

She was also on her period that week, so I didn't know how much that contributed to her change in behaviour, since we hadn't been seeing each other long yet.

[HateyouxD]

Who cares if she's on her period lol why do men think women are more sensitive during her period. Weird behavior.
Just tell the girl how you feel about her.
Stop playing these dumb ass games

[HateyouxD]

You lost her. To me. Just leave her alone. Itll hurt for a while but I'm sure you'll find someone better

[Asker]

> why do men think women are more sensitive during her period

It's not about being sensitive. She told me herself that she gets really bad periods and that she felt awful. When people are in pain, sometimes their behaviour towards others changes.

> Just tell the girl how you feel about her.

Already tried that, less than a week after it all broke down.

She almost believed me when I said I do care + described my intentions/feelings.

She almost agreed to meet to talk about it, asking "Are you sure? I'm going through a lot right now", but when I said "Yes, I'm sure [I'd like to see you]" she then pulled the offer off of the table and said she needed a week of space.

> You lost her.

Well, recently after I validated her experience & feelings + apologized for hurting her, she told me that she did what she did because she "thought I didn't want to be part of her messy life".

I've pretty much cleared up all of the misunderstandings between us now, she had made a lot of assumptions that were false.

She seems to understand now that I did care about her.

Maybe that's why she wants my emotional support.

Though I'm not sure what her intentions are?

[HateyouxD]

You're honestly asking the wrong person about that last question.. totally ask her. I mean the girl is battling some heavy stuff and if you care about her dont get into a relationship with her just yet. I agree with the other female anon. She needs to heal herself first. Like she will drain you as she's unhealed and going through a lot right now... she will get herself together once she sees you living your best life and out having fun on your own

[Asker]

Okay, thank you HYxD.

Yeah I agree, she has plenty of healing to do.

I wanted to help her with that, having recovered from depression myself ~5 years ago, and I lived with a therapist for 4 years.

Of course she has to do it herself & really want to, but I would have been willing to help guide her along the way.

[HateyouxD]

Aww that's so sweet. You can still lend her a hand and suggest therapy. Say you've struggled in the past and you see a little of yourself in her back then and maybe mention how its helped you learn and grow. I wish you the best of luck

[Asker]

Thank you.

> You can still lend her a hand

Well, when I said this in the OP, "I let her know that I want to help her, but this currently wouldn't be good for my own well being, and to shoot me a message if she becomes single.", there was actually a lot more to it.

I gave her some advice on the things which helped me when I was struggling like her.

I could offer to expand on that?

I was trying to be concise when messaging her.

> suggest therapy

Unfortunately that's a non-option, she's quite poor.

A friend or boyfriend like me might have been her best option in the immediate future for something approximating therapy.

We are in a very rural area (population < 10k for a 1hr driving radius), I doubt there are many people here who have had the opportunity I had when it comes to therapy + living with a therapist (elsewhere in the country).

[HateyouxD]

So sorry to hear how unfortunate for her.

[Asker]

Yeah, I feel for her. She's had a tough go at life.

[msc545]

BPD. Dump her.

[Asker]

I've never looked into BPD.

Perhaps that's the case, but it could also be that she's really emotionally struggling + has other things going on.

I'm pretty sure she has a Fearful (disorganized) Attachment style.

[msc545]

That is consistent with a diagnosis of BPD.

[Anonymous]

I don't know.