I don't really know how to explain this, but I'll try. I love love, I want it and the thought of it makes me smile, but when someone offers to give me it I feel disgusting. I feel awful, dirty, I feel like a wh0re, a sl¥t, I would feel shame, guilt and all kinds of things. I'm a virgin who's never been in a relationship and never had her first kiss. I feel like if I lost my kiss virginity I would be dirty, I feel like if I cuddled with someone I would be dirty. Just anything, even telling a guy that I love him would make me feel like a sl¥t. Because of this I push potential relationships away. I always use a bunch of excuses but when in reality I would feel dirty if I ever got into one. Right now I like this guy and he obviously likes me too, we have a strong emotional connection but everytime after we're done talking I feel disgusting. He's a really flirty and romantic person, he says all kinds of sweet and romantic things to me, and I have said some sweet things too back because I don't want to make him feel unappreciated. He even told me that he wants to get married and have 5 kids with me. I smile to all his texts and I want to be with him, but I feel like if I kissed him, said romantic things to him, cuddled him or even had s3× with him I would be so dirty. And what if he's not the one? He will be my first kiss, my first boyfriend and a lot of other things. It will all go to waste if he isn't the one, and he'll leave me all dirty. And because of this no other man will want me and finding a partner would be even harder. Help I don't know what to do, I feel like I can't have a relationship because of this. I really want one though, it's all I think about.
Why do I feel so dirty and guilty when in a relationship?
From all I read there seems lot to be going on emotionally for you. Exploring romantic and even sexual (even without going for sex itself) relationships is normal and healthy for teen girls. It doesn't make you dirty or undesirable in the future.
First and foremost you should try to work through your trauma, ideally with the help of a mental health professional. The beatings and verbal violence from your father are completely unacceptable no matter what you did! Is any physical/emotional abuse still going on at your home?
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Thank you! I don't have access to help. My parents would never allow that. They don't trust therapists and they don't really believe that mental problems is a real thing so there's not much I can do. No I don't think so, my dad stopped hitting me when I was around 13.5 years of age, and I don't think he says too much hurtful things. But what he have done to me in the past has really had a big affect on me.
You're very welcome... Also.. now you know the name of your phobia, you might be able to get specific help with it via your doctor. I can't be certain about that though.
It sounds like you have some trauma, as many people do, but you lock it away. If that's the case, you have to at least try to work through it not just for relationships, but to not break yourself down and feel helpless in other aspects of your life as well.
Am I close?
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Yes my dad would call be a wh0re and sl¥t when I was 5 years old for wearing fake earrings, combing my hair, wearing something I felt pretty in like a princess dress and so on. He told me that if I ever hugged a boy I would be a wh0re and he would throw me out on the streets or kill me. He also beat me up for wearing earrings. He would hit me, not let me eat for days and so on.
Well, you have to get out before you can start working on that unfortunately. Maybe before worrying about the relationships and issues there, worry about setting yourself up to get away, get independent and work on yourself. The one constant you're going to have throughout your life is you. If you don't deal with your problems they can only stay the same or get worse.
Okay to start with, you're young. Don't rush it. My girlfriend didn't date until she was 18. I didn't date until I was 27 ( although I wanted to earlier). She was a virgin until 33 and I was one until 27.5. That's a decade or more beyond your current age. Hardly anyone enters their final relationship without having kissed someone else, it's also becoming even more likely that they aren't virgins either. The likliehood that the first person you date will be the one you marry is virtually nonexistent. With the exception of me, I only know of one other couple where that was the case. And even in that couple it was only the guy who hadn't dated before. Just like it is with me, my girlfriend is my first girlfriend, but I'm not her first boyfriend. Don't expect your first boyfriend to be the one you marry. You probably don't know exactly what you want yet.
Probably a lack of self worth developed from a childhood full of traumas.
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I have been physically abused by my father. He would hit me, beat me up, wouldn't let me eat for 3 days, he wouldn't let me go outside, he called me a wh0re for combing my hair and he beat me up for wearing fake earrings because I was doing it for "boys attention" in his opinion. I was 5 at the time.
Yup... that'll do it. The first step to resolving that trauma is identifying it and exploring it. The second step is finding a way to forgive your father and mother for the way they treated you. It's incredibly difficult to find a way to forgive your abusers, but it will be so liberating for you when you do!
You feel like this because you are under 18 with no experience and are still a virgin. You shouldn't feel like this, love is beautiful, not dirty.
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But even if I'm under 18 normal girls my age doesn't feel this way about love. I've talked about this with my female friends and they ell me that it's just me who feels this way.
I think you want to be in love with him, okay 😔. It's okay to be a virgin and liss a virgin. I was in a relationship, unfortunately, with my ex-girlfriend, then meet a girl fell in love with Victoria, who refused me. I feel dirty when I am with another girl or girl trying to get over her. I can not touch or be with everyone but her. She didn't want me, never dated or kissed. But they told each other I love before her current boyfriend Sound like you are not in love with him.
In January, I had major emergency surgery on my leg; the doctors thought I was going to die and told my patients to plan my funeral. I live thank to doctors and staff at the Univ. Of Tennessee medical center. But I got well she have a boyfriend and I lost the love ❤️ of my life. Break heart in knoxvillle Tennessee
I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that. I hope your leg is better and that you can find peace soon. You'll find the right girl! You seem to have a lot of love to give, any girl would be lucky to have you. Don't worry! <3 Your ex is missing out.
