Girls, why did she flirt with me aggressively for months then she says she has a boyfriend when I asked her out?

[Anonymous]

I am 23 and she is 29. I definitely did not misread any signal. Happened at the workplace. She hovers around me a lot and always tries to get my attention. We rub arms often, she blushes when I talk to her, she's nervous (she talks really really fast like a machine gun) when I don't talk to her and she approaches. One time during an outing, we were both in the pool. She kept rubbing her butt on my arm, subtly.

I think she doesn't have a boyfriend because she has a 13-hour shift, she kept mentioning in meetings that she has no plans during the weekends, and I know during the weekends she either sleeps, watches stuff, or does errands. She has also never mentioned a boyfriend before I asked her out.

When I asked her out, it was through text. Never got a chance to ask her out at work. I was asking her if I was offending her or bothering her (half the time she never replied to my texts, and declines my calls), and that I love her, that I feel we have a connection. That if she isn't interested, I want her to be honest with me.

She told me "I really appreciate you" and that she thinks I'm smart, kind, and hardworking, and that she knows I'm doing good in my career. She also said "I'm just really fond of you" because she finds joy in me.

Then she rejected me and said she already has a boyfriend, and hopes to stay as good friends

Did I come on too strong? Is it because I let it all out in one go? I really just never got the chance to say all of this so I felt like this text was my only shit. I know love is a strong word with this context but I really do feel that way.

Is she testing me? I simply thanked her for her honesty and best of luck to them. Or she really does have a boyfriend?

I really wanna believe that she has a boyfriend. But her flirting. The indications that she doesn't have one. And the compliments she gave me really really makes it so hard for me to move on.

I'd rather she just straight up told me she's not interested in me...

Updates

1 y

Okay.. I was told the right person can only be the right person if you choose each other. I'm not entirely sure if she does choose me. But you're right that I should take what she said at face value. I do feel like she has lied to me a couple of times already. I guess I just needed one last push, after seeing her again at the event. Thank you.

Updates

1 y

The update above was for replying to another comment ^

[Anonymous]

Something to think about...

I believe you came on too strong. And there's NOTHING wrong with that. But... you can't start off too strong. It has to LEAD up to that. Men & women want to feel wanted and "chased" (I hate that but its true) it depends where she is at in her time in life but most women starting out dont like love bombing or just too much too soon. So, you did right by giving her space & wishing her well.

To answer your questions she could be testing you. But I ONLY say that because I've said I have a boyfriend to get the guy jealous and for him to chase me I wanted to feel wanted (wrong choice) I was young, dumb & naive. Because 7 years later I feel dude was being genuine and i ruined that connection we had.

Now if you've peeped out her flirting... maybe she's a cheater and you need to reevaluate her character & question... would you really want to be with someone who leads astray... someone whose supposed to be committed and only for 1 person? She will do it to you if you guys were together. You can even say to yourself like if she can do it to him... why wouldn't she not do that to me...

I feel you did the right thing by leaving her alone cause to me the girl is maybe confused and or really likes you but is hiding it. So it's up to you to really sit and think things through... either walk away or what I really think you should of done was QUESTION HER ACTIONS that basically led you to believe she was into you & her flirting. Like that'll confuse anyone.
If you look at the situation as it is and not reading in between lines, she's a tease, a cheater and possibly insecure. So my advice is to walk away completely. To me she will totally regret how she acted and may even muster up the confidence to you one day. However I know you're hurt... dont play into her games. Sorry this happened to you

[Asker]

Thanks for reading and taking the time to make that writeup.

I was aware of love bombing but didn't know that what I did was just that. Something to think about for me.

Yeah I agree I should move on. All my friends have been telling me to not entertain her at all. My only gripe is that I feel a genuine connection with her. Same interests, same experiences in life, same moral/religious/financial values. I can't help but feel that they redeem the red flags. I know I just probably have rose-tinted glasses.

Another thing is she seems into making me jealous. Whenever she hovers around me, she talks to the guys around me and glances at me. She has a go-to guy (let's name Ced) to get help from, and whenever she does it she always looks at me or glances at me. She's pulled the "oh here's a photo I've shown Ced before, isn't this cute?" strategy. She's talked about a "pretend boyfriend" before in a playful manner. And yeah, it works I do get jealous most times.

I do know that about 7 to 8 years ago she had a boyfriend that she was with from about 3 to 4 years. They broke up and after that she's become somewhat wary of romance.

What do you think?

[Opinion Owner]

I think to avoid any drama would be to take things as it is like what she says. Take what's coming out of the horses mouth basically. Like she will regret it one day if she's saying 1 thing vs doing the other (opposite) of how she actually feels. But it's up to you. Like 1. I never understood why someone would turn some1 down and keep looking at them... I would say they lied and or a coward about the situation. So you can take that and run with it. If you do I'd HIGHLY suggest you to make your intentions known. List them out. You dont play games, communication is VERY important to you. List things that'll make things work between you both.
2. She could very much be avoiding emotional/romantic relationships. Regardless of the excuse... she probably got really hurt from her previous relationship.
I wish I would of took time to heal EMOTIONALLY from an ex. It really hurts when you dont.
Let me know what else you've got brewing in that mind of yours. Or what I've said helps I wish you the best of luck!

[Asker]

Thank you. I think I will wait and see, and try to confirm if this boyfriend really exists. I really really do have deep feelings for her.. it's so hard for me to move on.

I just remembered a tiny detail. She has slightly curly hair and she uses some tool everyday to straighten it whenever she goes to work. One day she forgot to do it and she was embarassed to mention to me that she really had curly hair. I told her she looked very cute without straight hair and ever since then she stopped straightening it.

Honestly I was in the same boat as her about 6 years ago. I loved my ex a lot but she ended up cheating on me, so I understand why she's scared of being in a relationship.

Anyways thanks again and good luck to you too in life

[Asker]

Hi again answerer. It's been a month but I'd like to know where things might stand... I've been thinking about things and I feel I can move on (at least from regret and grief) but at the same time I'm starting to realize my feelings for her were deeper than I thought..

Anyways, we met again the other day. The first time we saw each other she was looking at me as I was opening the door. Then as soon as we had eye contact she looked away and said "hey" when we passed by each other. I greeted her back.

During a later event she glanced at me a lot and turned her head a lot just to look at me for a quick moment, then looked away.

At one point I was talking to her friend (let's call Rebecca), about an outing that Rebecca and I were gonna go to the next day. I told her if we were going to the resort hotel from the same place and direction why don't we go together since we both didn't know how to get there. Rebecca blurted out "are we going to the mall, or straight to the hotel?", which sounded weird I guess from an outsider of the conversation, but the woman in question (lets just call her Pam) heard that and turned her head to look at us twice. Rebecca and I continued talking.

Pam went over to Rebecca a couple minutes later and started talking to her about stuff. This was the only time she talked to her during the event and it was only a very brief conversation.

Later on Pam and I have had similar encounters; she would be looking at me, as we were about to pass each other. I look at her then we both look away.

When she went to go home I texted her a simple "take care going home". Because I really am worried since she was going home at night. She replied very quickly "hey, thank you! have fun at work :)" (I was about to go into my night shift).

I... didn't talk to her in-person because I just didn't know what to talk about other than to take care and be careful.

Sorry if this was too long, but I'm just wondering what your thoughts might be? Thanks for reading.

[Opinion Owner]

Hi again :).
Hmm I'm maybe thinking of two things.
I think you we were right to not go up to her if you were nervous (I understand). & honestly if you still like her.. to go see what Pam spoke to rebecca's about... from rebecca's mouth. If Pam asked rebecca's if you & rebecca's are sleeping together than Pam cares!!

[Opinion Owner]

To further explain, I feel Pam was getting info about you from rebecca's by briefly speaking with her... if rebecca's didn't bring you up pam may feel there's nothing to worry about or she doesn't want to give herself away. When pam texted you have a nice shift... seems odd she didn't give anymore other than that whether she found out or not.. if she found out I figure she would ask you & rebeck date? If she didn't: maybe she will try again... but I feel maybe she was ask anyway lol

[Opinion Owner]

I think as well. You should let this one go.
Love yourself & walk away.
I feel many people miss out on love when they chase it. Like I said take what she's NOT saying (I like you, let's date) & walk away. I bet you'll find someone better. Someone on your level

[Asker]

Hi, thanks for the response. I forgot to add a detail, because of the dumb character limit on this platform lol. When Pam went up to Rebecca, I was right next to Rebecca. Pam on the other side.

She only really talked about how she heard Rebecca joined X and that she was there too. Rebecca explained how she was invited to be there. Then the conversation fizzled out. Right before an event activity, Pam left. It was a simple icebreaker game where I would describe something and Rebecca/Pam/some others would try to guess what it was. I didn't know where she went but she left her things. Later she went back to get it to go home, and that was when we passed each other again. She was looking at me as she was approaching and when we made eye contact she looked away.

What I just thought was interesting, was Pam and Rebecca never really talk at all. They usually greet but that's it. So.. I don't know what to make of it.

Another thing I was wondering if it's alright with you.. every Friday Pam would spend a total of 6 hours traveling to-and-from work. I want to text her, ask her if she's gonna ride the bus and that she should be careful and to take care. Does that come across as creepy? Since you know, she already rejected me.

Or should I really just continue to have no contact? I'm just having such a hard time moving on. Every time I hear something bad happen around her area like kidnappings, murder or rape cases, I get extremely worried and anxious and want to get involved somehow in ensuring her safety. But at the same time I know that's not going to be good for my heart in the long-run.

[Opinion Owner]

Honestly... you should really just move on... let her be. If she needs you she will reach out to YOU!
When or IF she ever does... take everything slow. Take what she says out her mouth exactly what she's communiticating & not what you think she wants

[Opinion Owner]

You will push her away

[Opinion Owner]

You will push her away if you text her stay safe... always checking up on her when she doesn't do it to you. Again, leave her be. If you can move on... act like it. Friends family hobbies ENJOY them.

[Asker]

I was told that the right person can only be the right person if you choose each other. I have no idea if she chooses me but you're right that I should just take what she told me at face value. That I should only invest when she invests.

I guess I just needed one last push, after getting tempted when I saw her again.

Thank you.

[Opinion Owner]

I've never heard that saying before.
& it doesn't make sense...
Its... the right person will be the right person... for the right person. Or the right person will change for THE right person..
Yeah, I'm sorry it didn't work out with Pam. It's okay. Learn from this friend. Take care & let me know who that next lucky person is😉