I have a hard time in dating because there are so few girls that I think are a good match for me. So I'm looking for opinions on my list of expectations for a good match.
I'm being super specific, so it's artificially long. In light of that, please focus on what's on the list rather than on its length. Some people are more general and assume stuff. But I get really specific about stuff like personality, so instead of saying "compatable personality," (because my personality is extreme) I also list a lot of often assumed things, like shared values. Though some things like her not being wanted by police can be assumed.
Here's the list. Items are ranked.
Non-negotiables/dealbreakers: 1. She's Christian 2. Shares most of my values regarding family, society, and politics 3. Wants to wait until marriage to have sex 4. Wants kids
~~~end of dealbreakers~~~
5. I should feel physically attracted to her. (I find 30-50% of girls in my age range who I meet attractive). 6. No severe mental illness 7. In my age range (18--25)
Personality compatibility stuff: 8. Is a somewhat curious, imaginative person who loves learning. (I'm very much this way). 9. Not super extroverted. (I'm modestly introverted). 10. Can discuss and disagree without taking it personally (I love debate so much that I do it competitively). Maybe she'll watch debates with me. 🤗 11. Doesn't like to take big risks. (I'm quite risk-averse and buy insurance for all my devices lol). 12. Not a neat freak (I'm pretty okay with mess and disorganization, though I try to be neat).
13. Is reasonable with her spending and can keep a balanced budget. So she shouldn't have a huge amount of debt, and should have an average amount of financial obligations compared to most people.
~~~End of list~~~
What do you think? Am I being too picky? If so, what stuff do you think that I should be flexible on?
How have you changed your expectations for a a partner as you've dated throughout your life?
Am I being to picky in dating? Should I settle?
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Anonymous
(30-35)
1 y
Not a bad list. For your dealbreakers, the only one I’d say to consider maybe a liiiitle wiggle room is number 3. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of women have no problem waiting until marriage, especially if she’s a virgin. But for someone who’s not, she may be leery when it comes to possibly marrying into a bad love life. I’ve met women who’s guy was amazing in every aspect but pleasing her, and that doomed their relationship because intimacy is important; lack of could lead to trouble. Everything else seems fine, I would just say to keep an open mind. Maybe the woman you find doesn’t check every box off your list but being too specific narrows your chances of finding a match. I’d say prioritize maybe 3-4 key values/traits, and try not to be too picky with the rest.
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Asker
1 y
Thanks for the feedback! I don't think I can be flexible on waiting until marriage, because if she's going to have sex before marriage while in a relationship with me, she'd have to cheat, because I am determined to wait.
Sexual past is different. If she's Christian, she hopefully understands that God wants us to be pure, but has cleansed us from past sins. Given that, plus my own guilt in similar things, I am in no position to condemn.
So current beliefs and plans regarding sex: not flexible Past sexual history: flexible.
I'd love to marry a girl who is also a virgin though. It would be nice to both be figuring things out together.
Seems pretty basic and honestly pretty close to what my list looked like. Never settle for lowering your standards on the deal breaker list. I know some people are going to moan about you wanting to wait for marriage, but those people have a different standard of life than people like you and me.
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Asker
1 y
If you have a similar list, shoot me a message! I love talking with people that have a similar personality.
Yeah! I always appreciate more perspectives. I'd especially like your take how both single people in our age group meet other twenty-somethings, and how your social life for you and your husband has changed after you married. (What do young married couples do to socialize nowadays?)
No based on what you listed you're not. But good luck finding a women in your age group that is willing to wait till marriage to have sex. Based on what you've said I'm just going to deduce that you're probably not aggressive enough.
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Asker
1 y
Oh I know lots of girls in my age group who want to wait. They're in my christian community. Trouble is, do many disagree with my values, and I don't find them attractive.
I've been very forward in asking girls out, but only outside of the Christian communities I'm in. Only 1 date came of the 200ish girls I approached smh
Opinion Owner
1 y
Yeah I've know lots of women who've said the wanted to wait as well. They were typically the first ones to make a move. If you BELIEVE every woman that says that. You have a bigger problem then you think man.
You’re not ”too picky”, you can be as picky as you want. Just know that the more specific you are the harder it will be to find someone, and even if you meet someone who match 100% of your list you or her may not develop the right feelings. Each criteria you put on the list reduce the number of potential partners for you. But if you’re ok being single for a long time or forever, and would rather be that than lower your standards, there’s no problem.
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Asker
New1 y
I don't know that it would be lowering standards though.
An extrovert is not a lower-value person than an introvert, for example.
I'd lower my expectations regarding level of interest I suppose.
But yeah you're right. I don't want to wait long, so I should probably be less choosy.
I feel that you should focus on finding someone with the first 7 items on your list and accept thst they might not hit all the boxes in your next list.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
1 y
I tried various dating sites. There are a few rare ok girls... most others are dumb ugly and immoral, all at once.
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