I feel like I’m being made to choose between him and a social life with friends. How can I tell if he’s using reverse psychology on me?

[JJm1234]

I’ve been seeing this guy now for 10 months I’m 28 & he’s 50. A few nights ago I went out with a group of girls from my work. He was invited to come as he knows them all but he didn’t. I was a bit apprehensive to go at first because I was worried about what he would say to me the next day. The next few days he wasn’t really messaging me much or sending me good morning texts & I sensed something was up. Last night he’d had a drink and starting going on at me. Told me to fuck off & stop treating him like a prick. I asked where all this was coming from & he wouldn’t say. So I said ‘is this because I went out the other night?’ To which he replied ‘fuck off no’. Then started saying that he wants me to go out and I shouldn’t let him stop me from living his life & I should be out singing on karaoke. I told him I wanted him to come out but he chose not to. He then said it made him realise that I’m young and should go out more. I was confused because he said his issue wasn’t because I went out but then starts banging on at me about going out and having a social life. I feel like he’s pulling a reverse psychology on me and deep down it’s because he doesn’t want me to go out with friends. Then he asked me if it’s because of the age difference. Not once has it been a problem for me & he knows that. He started saying that I’m too deep with my feelings & he doesn’t really know me after 10 months. It made me feel like he’s deflecting the real issue at hand because it’s clear he doesn’t like me to go out. It’s not the first time he’s started on me after going out with people. He did it last time I went out with my work mates & gave me the whole ‘you should go out more’ thing. I don’t understand why it’s an issue in the first place or why he needs to bring it up. Why can’t I have a social life with friends & also have him? I feel like I’m being made to pick between the two. He knows by saying this to me it will make me not want to go out again because I’ll be scared of his reaction

[quaranta]

The fact you were worried about what he would say the next day, before anything even happened, is already a clear symptom of a wider problem in your couple: you expect him to be overtriggerable and don't trust his reactions, and he doesn't trust you as well. You learnt with time he is unpredictable and crazy, and now you walk on eggshells. There shouldn't be this kind of tension, this is not the norm in any couple, this is rather what a kid does with the mother to get attention for their insecurities with caprices and passive aggression, extending their fears to the caregiver who "has" to be dragged down with them, because kids can't understand boundaries yet and can't communicate problems other than with passive aggression.

So first of all keep in mind the role you're sliding into by allowing him to make you walk on eggshells, and by letting him hit you with those methods while you take it as if it's an okay thing and move on with care. This educates the kid he can continue doing like that because it's fine afterall, for you.

You do it right by trying to make him communicate the problem but he won't cooperate and all you end up doing is doing a guesswork investing wasted empathy and effort in reading through the caprices and inverse psychology.

He behaves messy and problematic, blames you and makes you feel guilty, so he is highly communicating there is some very bad problem going on, but refuses to navigate it when you ask to clarify, because he wants to abuse of your mind and keep you there with him in his puddle as much as he can, like a "revenge" for the way HE felt, with his own issues (because no sense of boundaries).

I think the real problem was of course that you "dared" to be young and to take your rights to live as a young person. If he raises up a victimistic mess just right after you hang out with someone, well, that's pretty obvious. He doesn't want to admit that because he knows it's kind of childish, and that would take off his rights to have upper hands over these situations, and to blame you in general (it would break the game), so he starts with his "no you should hang out with your friends" etc, to mask it.

So to avoid this stupid crap you either really force him to improve his communication starting by having expectations on him to be honest and direct without escape, about the roots of his meltdowns and to be very clear about that, or, you should anyway stop allowing these things as if they're ok because this educates him he can continue with this style as much as he wants.
You can also force him to hang out with your friends, maybe with the help of your friends too being pushy about it, so that he feels integrated and will stop being jealous maybe (but still, he is 50, he got for sure plenty of social experiences he really doesn't need to be jealous about you hanging out occasionally with friends, regardless from nostalgia of feeling young again and stuff).
Either way someone 50 won't change his communication problems if they are this bad at his age still, you will always face this sort of crap when any issue arises, so all you can do is workarounds around his nature, which will stay there (or leave, at some point).

[melanieeeB]

General thing: if you ever feel like you have to choose or the partner draws you away from your friends and family... run

[Anonymous]

My mom's like that. Stays in the house all day and complains. Maybe a 40 year old guy would be better.

[Infinity12]

Control freak. Mind f-ing.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a possessive ass. Move on.