Do I tell my boyfriend what I found in his phone?

[Anonymous]

so i went though my boyfriends phone yesterday and i NEVER ever do that because i know i should put my trust in him and know he’s not doing anything by just trusting him but i just wanted to double check so i went through his and this girl’s messages and like maybe a month ago he was like “why did u call off :/“ bc they work together (iam 18 he's 17) and he was like “i want to tty boo” “when u wanna hang out boo” that’s all i read and he was telling me earlier that “this girl from my work only ttm when she’s drunk so if she only gonna ttm when she drunk then get out my life” he also calls other people boo which? i don’t know if i should bring it up because it obv bothers me and i just want to know if he got a thing for or with her but i don’t want to have him know the fact that i went though his phone because what if it’s not a big deal and it back fires on me? I don't know but iam not trying to sound like iam being insecure i just want to know that i can trust him fully but i know that i should do that/ trust him fully without having the need to go though his phone

[DaveJord]

So I will be honest here if you went through is phone then you violated his trust. I would be pissed if you did that with out asking, because you say you know you should trust him, but something is there that is making you not want to trust him... so I say trust your instincts.

If he is doing anything wrong, and you tell him you went through his phone he will only get better at hiding it from you... or he will lock up his phone. So honestly I would never tell someone to lie or not be honest with their SO... but you definitely crossed a line and if you can not control yourself then you need to be honest with this guy. And in saying that you need to really think about what it is that made you want to do this and then discuss those things with him.

[hahahmm]

Women are all like CIA agents tho. Ninjas with long hair that seldom get caught. It is what it is.

[KrakenAttackin]

@hahahmm So true, and they have no respect for privacy.

[hahahmm]

@KrakenAttackin Right. And in early stages of a relationship with one you would be wise to take a lesson out of their play book cause there must be a reason they find it so hard to trust. Feelings of guilt often do that. But no it's not in a man's nature to be that paranoid.

[KrakenAttackin]

@hahahmm I agree, men should be more vigilant.

[DaveJord]

Relationship are transactional... so men invest on a level, and if they feel they are receiving returns on that investment they are more likely to continue investing and assume they will get the same returns. Over time they think everything will get easier, but it seldom does.

Nothing ever stays the same, and women invest in relationships on different levels, and they all seem to start with this belief that men will eventually get to their level. What they fail to realize is that men are not women. The love stability and reliability and they are than happy accommodate or compensate women, but they do not like making changes to who they are and how they relate to their feelings. So women subconsciously leverage man to invest more interms of getting to women's level investment incrementally along the way, and this contradicts a man's nature. We made a deal you agreed to the terms, this who I was when you met me and you're upping the bargain and asking price.

So instead of getting easier its getting harder, because man starts to feel he's still getting the same rate of return but now its coming at higher asking price with greater expectations.

This when adversity enters the game, and anxieties start to develop, with both man and women, and if they can't reign it in and achieve that same level balance that seemed so easy starting out,, everything fails. What was working isn't working now, and probably won't ever work the same again.

And thats the beginning of what we are seeing here, anxieties developing and people feeling the need to do something that they would not of done at the start of relationship.

[hahahmm]

You don't blindly give trust. It has to be earned over time, based on experiences with that person. And when someone values your relationship they will avoid doing shady things. See my my take, A Note On Giving Trust

[Anonymous]

Trust is earned it isn't just given.

His messages with other women are a red flag, but without any other evidence like them talking specifically about sex or going on a date it's kinds hard to assume he cheated. I guess you're best to just leave it alone for now, but keep your eyes open for other red flags like condoms missing, or him not coming home on time with no good explanation.

[RavVid]

So you want to talk about this girl's texts without telling him you went through his phone like a dose of salts.

Don't think that is going to work.

[spartan55]

If you feel the need to invade his privacy then your relationship is over already.

[BJP21]

Anything and everything on a guys phone can be thrown out of context. What you are setting yourself up for is insecurity... That being said, I would just go by an honor system.

[boggboss]

Sounds shadey but the only way to tell him will let him know you snooped so not much u can do

[MikeInHawaii]

For me it would be quite simple. Tell me you went through my phone, my mail, my computer or anything person and the relationship is over.

[In_Trance]

You never do it... but you did it. You just wanted to double check
You never need to go through anyone's phone

Toxic femininity

[Anonymous]

I say wait and look for more evidence before you confront him.

[Guy13]

I would not tell him.

[Guy13]

He’s going to know how you got the information and his reaction will not be good. Honestly, if this discovery shocks or is to much for you.., possibly the best thing for you is to slowly back out of the relationship. There really doesn’t seem to be a clearly committed dynamic. Is it supposed to be just you two dating each other only ⁉️

[Beerluvr]

Sounds fishy to me.