Why has my ex suddenly gone cold after wanting to remain friends, flirting & complimenting me?

[Anonymous]

It was pretty much a mutual breakup. We’re both adults so it’s been respectful without any games. But after agreeing to be friends and him making a fair bit of effort to compliment me and remain playful and a bit flirty, he now seems to have become older and only seems to politely engage by taking ages to respond when he’d always respond straight away before, even suggested catching up in person and supporting me in my new life choices.

He doesn’t make conversation anymore either, only answers my question without much more effort. If he wants to cut contact that’s fine, I’m just trying to understand why. Has he met someone else (that’s make it easier for me to move on completely)…is he now playing some sort of game…

This all started when he found out another man wanted to hang out with me, but I said I didn’t want to see anyone right now because I’m focusing on myself.

[OlderAndWiser]

Unless you have children together, remaining n contact with an ex is almost always a mistake. This one's on you (and on him, also.)

[Asker]

Why would it almost always be a mistake?

[Asker]

We’re bound to bump into each other at some point, I think remaining friendly is the best way of moving forward without as much awkwardness.

[OlderAndWiser]

Remaining civil towards each other when you do have a chance encounter is a much, much lower level of contact than haveing frequent cnversations and encounters. If I ran into my ex-wife in the grocery store, I would stop and have a brief conversation with her, but otherwise. . . I haven't spoken to her in 7 years.

Younger people have this idea that you are "supposed to" remain in contact wth an ex after a break up. I don't know why they have that idea, but think about these issues:

When "exes" say in touch, usually one of them wants to reunite and thinks that staying in touch is the best way to maximize the possibility of an eventual reunion. Often, one feels guilty about the break up and is offering "friendship" as a way of appeasing the aggrived party and making themselves feel less guilty. This isn't a friendship; it's two people playing a charade for different reasons.

If he is really wanting to reunite (and he may not admit that), how do you think he will start acting when you get involved with someone else? When you mention that your boyfriend spent the night with you, don't you think he might get jealous? If you want him to resolve his feelings and move forward, giving him hope to hold on to the past in counterproductive.

Moving forward with your life means resolving your feelings about your last relationship. In my experience, that is much easier to do when you aren't having constant contact with your ex.

How will a new boyfriend feel if he knows that you are maintaining a relationship with an ex? How would you feel if a new boyfriend tvealed that he was talking frequently to his last sexual partner?

Those are my reasons for saying that this is almost always a mistake.

[Asker]

I understand what you’re saying but obviously when one/both of us have a partner our partners will be the priority and we’ll understand that. I can’t be responsible for his crooks, only mine. I know my limits and this is why I’m trying to better understand him too, to ensure I don’t unintentionally hurt him either. I disagree about not reminding friends though, I think of you have respect for someone that you spent a fair bit of your life with them after some space apart then there’s no reason to lose that.

[Asker]

*actions (not “crooks”)

[Asker]

Sorry about the typos, I hope it makes sense.

[OlderAndWiser]

There are risks associated with holding on to an ex, and you are holding on to something that ultimately must fade into the past. So why delay the inevitable? But I understand other people view it differently.

How many people do you know who still have a relationship with an ex from 10 years ago?

[Asker]

I’m still friends with a couple of my exes, but we were friends before dating too. I know a few others who are too, as well as a few that aren’t. I really don’t see it as that much of a big deal really. I think it’s what you make it in the end.

[boggboss]

Could be anything either way this is pretty much normal foe how he treats u to change

[Asker]

Normal how?

[boggboss]

Because your relationship has changed from romantic to friendly so how he treats u would be differnt

[Asker]

Oh I get that. Bit it just still feel more distant and cold than how my guy friends are.

[boggboss]

Again because he is not just a guy friend he is a ex so where boundaries are re drawn will be a work in progress

[Asker]

Yeah, so I’m essence what you’re actually saying is that he needs more distance to deal with feelings that are still there..

[boggboss]

No lol has nothing to do with feelings still there he is making distance because he is working out where the new boundaries to treat u are

[Asker]

If there are no feelings that should be simple enough, it’s hardly rocket science.

[boggboss]

Yet most people that break up don't remain friends because going from romantic to platonic is not as easy as u make it out to be

[Asker]

It’s not, but I’ve had some distance first to get some clarity on it. It’s not like we just went from partners to friends. There had been a distant period between to come to terms with the changes.

[boggboss]

Which is fair enough but again the transition between romantic and friendly is nit a easy thing even if a break was had

[Asker]

I just don’t get how it’s difficult if feelings aren’t involved.

[boggboss]

Because its a person you use to share feelings with and be intimate it van be awkward going back to being platonic if that's not somthing u can understand not really sure how to explain that too you

[Asker]

Those are still feelings. If there are no feeling it shouldn’t be that awkward really in my opinion.

[boggboss]

Well by that logic ofc there are feelings the same way u wpuld have feelings for friends if he had not feelings at all he wouldn't care to talk to you or not when we first said feelings I thought u implied romantic feelings

[Anonymous]

Why are you so concerned about what an ex does?

[Asker]

Because I’m wondering whether it’s worth it or to just completely walk away.

[Opinion Owner]

I say walk away.

[Asker]

You’ll need to justify why for it to hold any weight though. There had to be a solid reason for action.

[Asker]

Not saying I disagree. Just that things people say should be justified and not just pulled out of thin air.

[Anonymous]

Guys generally don’t want a female around that he isn’t fucking.

[Asker]

I don’t know if that’s necessarily true. I have guy mates and we have the best time undertaking similar hobbies.

[Opinion Owner]

Those “mates” secretly want to fuck you.