Should I tell this girl that I've lost trust in her?

[Anonymous]

Long story, but basically this girl messed me around. Lead me on then friendzoned me twice.

I've lost trust in her. Reluctant to keep speaking to her to avoid getting hurt.

But I want to give her another chance. I just feel that if I keep talking to her without telling her explicitly that she needs to earn my trust then she'll just do the same thing again.

What should I do here?

[DaveJord]

So honestly my man, I am going to give you the best advice possible, and you really need to listen to my words and take it seriously if you have any chance with this woman. Others will tell you all types of bad advice... but you need to take this seriously and don't listen to some types of losers that will disagree with me.

STOP, talking to this woman all together, and ignore her. Seriously, don't try to give her one last chance. Don't talk to her about her needing to gain your trust. Thats all going to fail if you try throwing out anything that sounds close to last chance ultimatums. So, say nothing to her, just stop participating, chatting with her, talking to her, or even looking at her.

If she cares in anyway about you, she will eventually contact you... she will want to know why you are being so cold to her. Thats when you tell her this;

"I feel like you respect me as friend, but I want to be more then freinds with you, and I don't think you feel the same way. So, I have come to the decision that if there is no chance for a romantic relationship, I would rather have no relationship with you. I hope you can understand that."

No mention of trust, no ultimatums, no demand, you are just telling her what you have decided is best for you and that is it.

Now at this point various things could happen. She could just say that she understands and respects your decision. At that point you know she is not romantically interested in you and probably never will be... so you take it like a man and move on with your life.

She might come back with something like, I never seriously thought of you like that, but maybe she would like to. If that's the case, then your asker out on a date... make it clear to her it's a date and that if she is willing to consider you as a romantic interest that you would engage in that process with her. Depending in how that process goes, you talk about trust later and set boundaries and hold her to them while you respect hers.

Either way, no matter what you do... you got to get her coming to you to talk to you... not you are chasing after her without prevail. I cannot promise you this will work, but it is your best chance... because whatever you have been doing is not working and it probably never will, so you have to completely change what you are doing.

But ""NEVER"" tell a woman you don't trust her, and she needs to regain or gain your trust. ""ESPECIALLY" if you have never been in a real dating type relationship with her. That will never work, because honestly once you have lost trust in a person, I don't understand why you would even want to date her... and that is very much how she may take it as well if you say the wrong things.

In this case it sounds like you never really dated her. And if that is ture, there was no need for trust or expectation she needed your trust.

[exitseven]

That is really good advice.

[Asker]

Thanks for the advice. I'm hesitant to say that "I've come to the decision" as that will just solidify in her head that she should leave forever. We plan to meet up in February so it would kill this plan and then I have no chance.

I tried ignoring her. I left her messages on read. She asked me if I'm ok and I said I am. Didn't feel like the right opportunity to say this to her.

[DaveJord]

Di you, at least when ignored her she asked... that's a sign.

[Anonymous]

It would help if you stopped making a girl your entire life. She's a girl who doesn't care about you.

Just focus on your education. The girl will come to you when you least expect it. Focus on what you're passionate about. Build yourself up, and maybe in 5-4 years a girlfriend will come into your life.

It's hard to say how long because things happen organically and not artificially. You need to be oblivious to everything around you and be focused. Improving your leadership skills and education.

It's going to happen. It'll happen organically when you are not even thinking about it. When you make getting a girlfriend or a girl your entire existence, you will be very disappointed.

You're more of a sensitive guy, so it is harder for you to communicate your feelings. Since you're compassionate, can a caring person, the girl will feel safer with you, but you need to feel sure and confident about who you are.

[DaveJord]

Good advice

[AmandaYVR]

Yep, tell her. Constructively, of course. Try to do it so she doesn't feel attacked or belittled. But you have every right to say how you feel, and what you feel she has done that has not been fair or kind to you. Communication is the key to good relationships.

(But regarding the friendzone - I think this concept gets overused a lot today. Feelings are not straightforward, and they change constantly based on how the two people behave toward each other, and other things like life's circumstances and other influences. I'd be careful about labelling behaviour as morally wrong. You've got to be patient and flexible with people. And they should offer you the same.)

[DaveJord]

Nah... I think He's worked himself into hole here and coming out and telling her is not the best course.

[DaveJord]

I mean I think she needs to break the process up and change the dynamic of the relationship. Before dropping bomb shells on her.

[AmandaYVR]

@DaveJord Yeah, I disagree with you.
You made a ton of assumptions and went off those, giving him advice, on your standalone comment. I wouldn't be so presumptuous. He said very little here, the asker.
And, trust can be broken. You don't just ignore that, or walk away. Sometimes people can't get over it. But people are going to do shit to each other, and conflict resolution and communication factor in a hell of a lot more than just the simple, walking away. That's really throwing in the towel.

[DaveJord]

What assumptions be more specific?

[AmandaYVR]

@DaveJord I can't be specific because there are no specifics, that's the point. We don't know anything about the nature of their relationship and what she has done, so giving him specific advice on what to do next seems really presumptuous. He's looking for help, yeah, but you may very well be steering him down the wrong path. Anyway, whatever, you can say whatever you want. But I'd advise him to take all advice with a grain of salt.
And like I said, I disagree with you on the "never tell a girl you don't trust her."

[DaveJord]

Okay the "never tell a girl you don't trust her." Thats specific... I mean I would never tell her that unless its 100% true... but then if it was then I would not be willing to date her.

If woman said that to me, I would take it as if there was no chance with her. She does not trust me, then that's a that... I am not jumping through hoops to prove my trustworthiness to some who does not believe me to be trustworthy. Everything on this sit requires conjuncture or and degree of assumption... I mean its low hanging fruit to accuse someone of assuming too much.

But point well taken, thanks.

[Asker]

Making someone else go through mental torture because you can't decide who you want to have sex with is absolutely morally wrong.

[sheenagwapa]

she friendzoned you what do you want instead be with you but no feelings for you? a person beinh with you but without romantic feelings is the worst you can do to someone. the highest form of betrayql and pain yoy will ever feel in your life.


i friendzone my ex many times befire because i have no feelings but when i develop feelings for him i loved him without a price. i trust honest people more than liars

[bolverk]

She is keeping you on 'lay-away' in case her current relationship fails, the best thing you can do is to stop communicating with her and move on because as you've said 'I've lost trust in her'.

She's already shown you that she will toy with your emotions, you need to either work on yourself and career or if you are a relationship guy find someone who will be there for you, but I'd suggest work on yourself and career you can date when you have a stable life, a man's prime is from 30 onwards you have all the time in the world to date seriously, but if you do 'date' recreationally always use contraception and dispose of it securely to stop the 'surprise' pregnancy's.

[DaveJord]

Good advice

[chicosuave]

first of all you have to get out of the friendzone. stop giving her a lot of attention. only text when setting up meetups. leave her on read. tease her and never agree with everything she says. use physicality and stop being her doormat. try it and see if something changes

[DaveJord]

Good advice

[KrakenAttackin]

No bro, she knows EXACTLY what she is doing. You don't need to "explain" anything. She just wants you as a beta emotional tampon who buys her meals. Tell her to fuck off and move on.

[exitseven]

It sounds like the ship has already sailed. You should just forget her.

[ArtemisSilver]

I think you should just say no bro. Once bitten twice shy.

[Iron_Man]

Work it out

[KerriH]

Go for it