How can I make sure I am not making a mistake breaking up with my boyfriend?

[BlackCat999]

We've been together for 2 years. Everything was fine at first, no major issues up to the first year almost. Recently we've been having many issues, I clearly cut down emotionally and intimately because of his selfishness and his "jokes" about my appearance. I feel self conscious now.
I realise that no relationship can stay in a honeymoon phase forever but, I was honest with him about needing to feel desired and swayed from the moment we met. Needing dates and "us" moments. To feel pretty and desirable every so often.
Fast forward to this day, I gave up trying to show affection and planning things anymore because I feel like the only one really investing time/effort into maintaining the flame. I feel like I plan everything and take the lead very often, I feel masculine. He admitted that he wasn't often paying attention when I spoke when me met. And this led to me having to repeat things about my personality A LOT throughout the relationship. Now, the only time I feel he really listens is when I am agressive and clearly fed up. And even, I still have to repeat again why or what I need and now he says I am a complicated woman.

I don't know why I feel guilty wanting to leave. I feel we have things in common (travel & video games). We have good chemistry since we joke a lot, despite of. I feel like we can make awesome friends and partners and see a lot of good in him but have a hard time when it comes to the way he handles emotions, serious discussions and understanding that all suggestions are not bad suggestions. He feels like if he decides something, people should accept it because then, we lack empathy if we suggest a different way. And even when his decision could affect us/him negatively. I also feel shitty complaining because he does a lot for me but I feel like I am falling into this "saviour" box. I don't really want to breakup but I feel like this is the only way I could feel like myself again since he keeps feeling guilty anytime I express my emotions.

[Finchie40]

What kind of jokes does he make about your appearance? That right there can be the reason you are feeling this way Most people are
Self conscious about themselves and when someone you give your heart to points out those flaws on you , that’can be traumatizing to a lot of people , especially you girls’, so that right there can definitely be one of the reasons you are feeling this way? So even though he claims he is joking around , they might not be coming off as jokes to you , People that can point out other people’s flaws are usually the ones that are the insecure pieces of shit , they are usually the ones that have major issues within themselves , so to make themselves feel better about themselves they point their fingers and push buttons at others , to make themselves feel better about themselves, it’s a manipulative narcissistic trait My one ex did that to me and it made me feel horrible about myself , like I wasn’t good enough for her , it came down to the fact that she didn’t like herself and she had major insecurity issues , But at the time she was doing it I took it to heart and I felt devastated inside that I wasn’t good enough for her , so I ended up cheating on her, but when I cheated that was my answer to leave her ass , but I was honestly drawn to another girl that wanted to compliment me that wanted to see me smile , that completed me instead of criticizing me and belittling me , people that can do that to you are pieces of shit , so your boyfriend is definitely a piece Of shit if he is making you feel self conscious about yourself and that right there is a valid reason to walk away. when someone loves you and cares about you they compliment you as much as possible , and are happy to be with you they don’t manipulate and point fingers at you for their own insecurities , they are proud to have you by their side and compliment you as much as possible , no relationship is perfect but when a partner is very insecure within themselves all they will do is bring negativity into your life , just like you said your boyfriend is very selfish , selfish people are insecure people cuz they only think of themselves , so again you have every right to walk away from his relationship, you will never really feel happiness being with someone that isn’t happy within themselves that can’t point fingers at themselves , it will always be your fault and you will always be their punching bag

[BlackCat999]

Thank you. You figured everything out. I really feel guilty but reading what I wrote and what you wrote, I know there are valid reasons. I don't know, he gave a totally different perception of him when we had met. He showed me what he could become instead of what he is. I feel attached to the version of him when we met. He usually jokes about my hair (I am black so my hair, and hairstyles are different), I was born with a minor deformity on my feet (it's hereditary) and he laughs about that and I hated it since I fought hard to find self confidence in finally putting heels then, I kind of stopped since that. He once made a joke about my privates. He stopped but only because we had a huge fight about it.
Other than that, he never saw what was wrong with making jokes like that. I guess I should have left a long time ago, I just have this sad habit of giving out chances. And I give that saviour vybe for broken people. I guess that's what he felt in me. Or maybe someone that would accept him a 100% even with terrible flaws. I will never know. I asked him for us to keep or distances until we can see a counselor. I want to use that time to start being by myself again. I think that's where it starts.

[Finchie40]

Well if he knows it hurts your feelings and he is still teasing you about it then he is disrespectful and rude and you don’t have to tolerate that behavior, it sounds like he only cares about himself , so you are probably best to walk away

[AimeeKyle]

you could try couples counseling….. but it sounds like you already know what you need to do for you….….. you just need to follow through and do it.

A long time ago I ended a 5 year relationship (live in for 3). Like your situation, my relationship got toxic over time. We went to couples counseling…. all she was looking for was someone to agree with her POV. It did nothing but give me a better understanding of mirroring communication method and made me a better listener/communicator.

It was such a relief/weight off my shoulders once all her stuff was gone and I changed the locks….. the funny thing, about a year later we ran into each other and had a nice, respectful conversation and ended up going to dinner a few times (friends/catching up type of dinner).

[Emogirl999]

I dont know much about your relationship so I can't say if you should or shouldn't break up with him. The only advice I can offer is that if you think for any reason that you will break up at some point in the future, it's better to do it now than to wait, because it only gets harder to do the longer you wait.

It took me over 6 years to break up with my ex despite it being a toxic relationship and both of us being miserable. I kept trying to reason that their was still good in our relationship and after spending so long together it would be a waste to throwall that time away. I was wrong, breaking up with my ex was one of the best decisions I made, it was hard in the beginning but it only got easier as time passed and I am so much happier now than I was back then.

Again I'm not telling you to break up with your boyfriend, just that if you do decide to do it, do it sooner rather than later.

[jorfan3]

If you're losing yourself in the relationship, you should leave.

Relationships are kind of a paradox: good relationships take work, but GREAT relationships feel easy. Easy because you get along and can work things out well.

Chemistry does not equal a good relationship. My ex and I have AMAZING chemistry, but a terrible relationship. I actually don't speak to him because I don't want to be unfaithful and ruin my amazing relationship for a fling with him.

If you stay, I fear you will only miss opportunities with partner whom are a better fit. Because it sounds like you two don't "fit".

Are you afraid to be alone?

[Guy13]

You are in a tough place and I am not jealous. It sounds like there’s enough here to sit down with a counselor with? It seems like you know what you should be doing?

The heart though…

[BlackCat999]

The story of my life. I've been seeing a counselor for a few months now. Not about him however. This had to do with taking charge of my own well-being. I never admitted to her and even to myself until a few days ago, that I wanted to live because I felt like guilty for wanting that. I guess my "question" was more of me wanting to feel like I could confide to someone

[Guy13]

Yeah, relationships are such risks and life is very fragile. Glad to hear, you are taking the initiative to make things better for yourself.

[bowenw]

I believe you've made it clear it won't be a mistake. You explained the situation very well.

[Stevefiveo]

It sounds like a good idea to break up. He is a boyfriend not a husband. You don't owe him anything.

[Anonymous]

Girl! Sounds like your both toxic for one another. Ya both need counselling together and if ya both ain’t going to do that, then why keep doing this to yourselves

[Dav1dTh0ma3]

Always trust your gut

[Anonymous]

For more frequent sex. Duh...