How do I get over fear of rejection?

[Anonymous]

I am originally from East Asia and I came to England to study. I had no problem attracting people before I came to England but things have been very difficult for me in England. I’ve been trying so hard to make friends here but I feel like people are so cold in here. At the moment, I have no friends, no guys who are interested in me.

I’m introvert and I have social anxiety but I’ve gone out of my comfort zone to make friends and been approaching random people or guys that I find attractive, but people aren’t interested in me. I’ve been rejected so many times and it really hurts me bad. There was a very few guys who showed interest in me but they were not genuine. It turned out the only thing they wanted was sex and they lost interest so quickly. Now I’m so scared to approach and talk to people but I don’t want to let my past experiences affect me. I don’t wanna be afraid to approach people and miss out on opportunities to meet people who could possibly be the best thing that could ever happen to me in my life. But this fear of rejection stops me along the way.. I am so devastated and exhausted from repeated rejection. It gets me to the point where I am doubting myself. I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me since it happens over and over.. The other day, I decide not to approach people anymore after the rejection but the next day, when I find someone interesting or attractive, I wanna talk to them but I get so scared to approach because of the rejection I’ve experience in the past…

any advice please?

[SteveSmith1985]

My heart-goes-out to you. I can feel the emotions behind what you've written bleeding though my screen.

There really isn't anything wrong with you. I'm sure you know that deep down, but I feel like I should mention it anyway. What you're going through is "structural" not "personal." That doesn't mean you shouldn't care. It just means you shouldn't be looking for what's wrong with YOU. Nothing's wrong with you.

As someone who has always found it easy to meet people and make new friends... I can honestly say, in some situations, meeting people can be difficult. Specifically, trying to meet people and make new friends when you have no friends as a 'jumping-off point' to meet new people in a natural, organic way.

In other words, you don't have a handful of friends that can initroduce you to some of their friends; or to go out-on-the-town with where you might meet more people naturally.

I took an extra year during my undergrad where ALLL my people (the whole giant group of them) suddenly... no longer living in that city. And it WAS hard to meet people then. That's in contrast to... pretty-well every other time in my life.

I've always said (and still say this, actually): "Put me in any situation... and I'm gonna come out of it having formed new friendships. I meet good people anywhere and everywhere." And that's true. Except for that one year.

I did end up meeting a few people, and me and one girl in particular did actually become genuine friends. She was in a similar situation of finding herself suddenly without all her people too. We met because we had a class together. But overall that year DID suck. And I can truly sympathize (somewhat anyway) with what you're going through.

I'm not going to be able to solve your problem unfortunately. But I've still got a few random things to say;

Part of the reason it's difficult, is because... a lot of the time people are not OPEN to making a new friend 95% of the time, just because of the particular social situation you're in. Someone might say "hello" to you while you're riding the elevator together. You might make small-talk or something. But it's hard to transition that into anything. It's a 'weird' place to ACTUALLY try and truly meet someone new in a way that's going to be sustained. I think a whole lot of situations are that way.

Being in a group already leaves you in all of these natural situations to expand your friend-group usually through introducing you to other people, or at least giving you the opportunity to 'hang-out-and-get-to-know' other people in a situation where they ARE totally open to meeting new people.

(at least that was my conclusion when I had to try and figure out what the fuck was happening when I had that shitty year.)

The points I'm trying to make are:

1. It's not your fault. At all.

2. Once you "get rolling" by making one or two friends... that shit naturally snowballs. Things get easier once you start rolling. There's a "momentum" aspect to this. So hang in there.

You basically need to "accept" that most of your attempts to strike-up a conversation, or "get to know" someone a bit better... are likely to end-up being fruitless. I'm not saying that you shouldn't keep trying. I'm saying that you SHOULD keep trying. Just reign-in your expectations for your "success-rate." It's going to be extremely low. You have to expect-it-to-be. Otherwise you end up "disappointed" and frustrated on top of being lonely.

When it comes to meeting guys in the romantic sense. Then... fuck... that's basically a shit-show for anybody. It's REALLY hard to meet people for a relationship. And unfortunately there are a whole lot of assholes who only want sex you're going to have to wade-through... unfortunately.

What I'm saying is... you need to EXPECT your success-rate with this to be very low as-well. (everyone can use another friend. NOT everyone is looking for a girlfriend. Hell you don't even know if a guy's single or not when you approach. Just try not to get too discouraged. You don't have to be in your situation to feel the way you do about how difficult it is to meet a good guy. That's a pretty common complaint. But I think you're doing the right thing. Putting-yourself-out-there and showing interest and TRYING to make something happen. I urge you to keep doing that.

I have two suggestions for you. One of them you're either already doing.. or must've considered and rejected already.

1. You need to do the online dating thing if you aren't already. That is the way almost anybody meets someone these days. At least it's a place where you know that the people you run into are "also looking." If you've avoided doing this for some reason. Reconsider that decision.

2. To meet people, the best thing you can do is to try and put yourself in one of those situations where people are open to meeting... and it's gonna happen organically and naturally. Where exactly would that happen to be?

Some sort of "club" or "team" or "association" or "class" or something like that.

You go somewhere that is going to have THE SAME PEOPLE over and over again, in a structured social setting where there is some "activity" you're all engaged in. Aren't those the situations where you shine? Where in the past it's been easy for you to meet people? I'll bet it is.

So honestly, go join a volleyball team, take a guitar-class at the community canter; volunteer at the food-bank; join some community group/class/etc... where you can expect to see the same people over and over for an extended period in one of those 'natural' environments.

I hope things get easier for you soon. Good luck 🙂

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your encouragement. This is the most genuine advice I’ve ever gotten. I appreciate it. I’ve already done both you suggested.. I joined online dating but I ended up meeting some shitty people. I stopped using it cuz I was devastated by how superficial people are online, how they only wanted sex and how they lied about their intention. I also did try to talk to my classmates to make friends but because they’ve already got friends, they were not interested in being friends with me. I remember talking to this girl in class, She was only friendly to me when her friends were not around but she completely ignored me when her friends were around. I tried to have conversation with some other classmates who sat next to me but it was always a one-sided conversation.. I felt like I was bothering them. and I used to say hi to some of my classmates that I initiated the conversation with before but I stopped at some point cuz they never say hi to me first. I was always the one to say hi to them first and initiate conversation. I have also been going to a party or club alone so many times just to talk to people and make friends there. But people there were already with their friends and didn’t really want to be hanging out with me. There have been so many more that happened but I can’t explain all the things I went through since I came to England but what I can say is that I have been feeling so much pain because of all these indirect or direct rejection. Honestly, as an introvert and someone who has social anxiety, it’s so difficult to just put myself out there like that. It took so much courage to do any of these but yeah,, I’ve tried. Maybe it’s not the time yet. Maybe I should not care about trying to meet people anymore..
thank you for reading my long story. I just needed somebody to hear me and give me advice.

[es20490446e]

There's nothing wrong about you.

Last week four different people contacted me that wanted to hook up with me. And I don't have social media, so mostly people that I know in real life.

I rejected them, because that's not what I wanted.

Yet I contacted a woman I know myself to have some drink, and she never replied.

So even a person like me that many people like gets rejected VERY VERY frequently.

Many people are pissed of with dating these days, so they tend to overthink it. Nothing that has to do with you, it's their own imagination and fears.

[es20490446e]

So how do you deal with it?

You get to know people casually, in real life, in activities or events that resonate with you.

And if there are signs that both of you like each other, like those shared stupid smiles, then you consider seeing each other one on one.

With the rest of people, don't even try. Being selective will save you lots of headaches.

[Gummy_Cluster]

It's just a mindset that you need to get over. There's a funny story about Tommy Edison. (the inventor of the light-bulb)

Fred: Tommy, why don't you give up on this stupid idea. You've failed 700 times?

Tommy: I've never failed once. I'm eliminating possibilities.

I for one am grateful he didn't listen to Fred. I'd be typing this by candle light. LOL

Don't give up, gurl frenn, there are tons of guys and friends just waiting for you to find them. Just keep eliminating the other possibilities. They don't matter.

[HollyK21]

Maybe you should focus on yourself for now. I totally understand wanting to make friends and get a man, but right now you’re pin bad shape and should work on building yourself back up. It can be with therapy or your own exercises, but figure out what works for you and start your process. You’ll be a lot happier and not worry so much about having people to hang out with.

[exitseven]

I used to be really afraid of rejection. Even if I knew a girl like me i was still afraid to make a move. When I went to college there was this girl I like a lot and we used to hang out a lot. I was really afraid to tell her how I felt. She started going out with some other guy so one night I decided I had to do it. It was hard and if she turned me down or just laughed at me I dont know what I would have done but somehow it all worked out.

[Ligerzzero]

You don’t you just slowly become used to being rejected year after year, for me I just expect to be rejected by everyone I ask out, yes it sucks but if your not above average looking for a guy you just expect this to happen again and again.

[es20490446e]

Only go for the girls that smile stupidly at you.

[MrCommodore]

Move over to Ireland, people are less cold here and there are plenty of guys who will be interested.

[OddBeMe]

Like muscle memory, exercise. You must exercise talking to English people. Moving to a new nation is a scary prospect. I admire your tenacity. But I think you’ll find the same flawed humans as in your country.

[Jamie05rhs]

Come to America instead. There are a lot of guys over here who are attracted to East Asian women.

[MadAndBankrupt]

You go to human sittings>General>Attraction (make sure it’s on off)

[Luckycharms12]

We all want sex just need find the right guy to have a relationship with

[Anonymous]

Yeah I've heard British are notoriously racist. Sorry that's been your experience.