How to comfort your girlfriend?

Question

My girlfriend is upset she has no friends except 2 no one in her school liked her they all bullied her through high school except her best friend. She met this girl on Instagram 2 years ago she's really nice she lives in the same state but she lives north of us 4 hours away no one on Instagram talks to her anymore but she does they literally talk up till midnight every day she hopes one day she'll move down here. She's sad that she got invited to one of her old school friends birthday party she never gets invited to anyone's parties as I said no one liked her except one friend she always invites her. No one on Instagram talks to her anymore because she met this guy on there who was a Motley Crue fan she said something wrong about Vince he got mad and bullied her now her told people not to talk to her it's probably why. Not even her followers ask her what's wrong anymore if she posts she's sad except her best friend on there. Almost everyone she follows are teens or young adults her friend she met is 21 she's really nice she doesn't mind talking to her. She met this other girl who was 18 she said she's so obsessed with talking to her but she blocked her 3 times because she ignored her and left her out of everything now she's saying shit about her I don't understand why she's trying to make up if she's just gonna bully her. Not even her first friend she met 3 years ago on there talks to her anymore probably because of those bullies she wishes she had some friends she hopes her online friend will move down here one day. She doesn't understand why people dont check on her or ask her what's wrong anymore probably because of those two idiots. She met a 15 year old on there who was nice at first then found out she was 30 she started sending her mean messages she got mad and blocked her and her friend. She wishes she kept her mouth shut. How can I comfort her? Why are teenagers so mean and weird on Instagram?

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

I feel really badly for your girlfriend. I think it's excellent that you're looking for ways to help comfort her.

Unfortunately, there is no magic-answer to fix her overall problem of having trouble making friends. You have to realize that you can't DO anything to fix things. All you can do is to be there for her while she's going through the bullshit.

Now, you asked a great question. Why are people so mean on Instagram? It's not just instagram. It's online in general. People act in ways they never would in real life. You have examples of that here.

In real life, if some guy says "hey, nobody talk to this girl. She hates Motley Crew. Everybody gang-up on her"... that's... just crazy. Fuck Motley Crew. Nobody gives a shit. Except that one weirdo. But online... one guy can turn that into a "gang-up on your girlfriend" situation... because people online are just willing to act like assholes.

My suggestion would be to see about making friends offline. People are much nicer in person. She should look at joining something (a club, team, organization etc.) where she has an opportunity to meet people... but there's no pressure because everyone is there to do something else (play volleyball or give out food at the food bank or whatever). She is likely to have better luck with people being nice in person.

Also, she needs to be socially appropriate with who she tries to be friends with. If she's 30, it's inappropriate for her to be trying to make friends with teenagers. She needs to stop doing that. Teenagers are more likely to be mean because she's 30. THEY know that it's inappropriate for a 30 year old to try and be friends with a teenager. So they think "this girl is such a loser, she's 30 and trying to be friends with 15 year olds".

That really does leave her open to being attacked. It's inappropriate and she needs to look for friends around her own age. By trying to be friends with teenagers, she is giving teenager a reason to be mean to her. I hope I'm not being too confusing about this part. Let me know if I am.

When you ask why nobody checks up on her when she says she's sad. It might indeed be partly the effect of people ganging up on her. But I bet I can tell you another part of the problem:

So when somebody posts "I'm sad"... and that's not usually what they post. People will wonder and ask what's wrong. If you post about being sad ALL THE TIME... people get annoyed, turned-off, and stop caring. At that point it seems like the person is begging for attention (which they are. But understandably). It stops being something to worry about if somebody is sad everyday. It just becomes "how it is." So that's another reason I would guess people seem to not engage with that or check up on her. People are sick of hearing it basically.

It sounds like your girlfriend might struggle a bit with social skills and social intelligence (e. g. most 30 year olds KNOW it's not appropriate to try and befriend a bunch of teenagers. She didn't know.). There isn't anything you can do to change that really. It will make it harder to make friends than it is for people who don't struggle with those things. But I think the biggest problem is looking for friends online. Your girlfriend seems like one of the types who ends up being a constant target for online bullying. Get her to try offline more, where people aren't going to be assholes for no reason, and nobody gangs up on anybody.

As for actual comfort. Remember, you can't fix this. All you can do is to be there for her. Just continue doing that. Sympathize with her when she's upset about something. Provide a suggestion if you have one, but most of all man... just make sure that you give her lots of reminders that YOU think she's great, that YOU find her funny, interesting whatever. That YOU love spending time with her, and that you love her. Unfortunately you can't fix this. You can just remind her that the person who knows her best (you) thinks she's the best woman in the whole world. Just don't be discouraged when you don't "see results". Trust me. You're still being a huge comfort to her. She's just still going to be sad because she's got something going on that it's fair for her to be sad about. Just be there for her. You're probably already doing everything anyone could possibly do

Part2603 · Accepted Answer

Lead by example. It's actually perfectly normal to have zero friends at times in your life. It doesn't make you uncool. It doesn't make you worthless.

Your girlfriend would benefit from hanging out at new venues and meeting new people and making new connections.

You should join a club or find a bar to hang out at together. She's all bent out of shape about her old friends from highschool (or whatever) and fixated on instagram as her primary conduit for social relationships, but there's a whole world out there to explore.

Play pickup soccer. Join the PTA. Learn to salsa dance. Join a World of Warcraft clan.

Do something! But don't just sit and commiserate with her, "I know honey. It's tough honey."

Show her how much fun it can be to find new interests and meet interesting people.

Sure, you're probably not gonna find a Fred and Ethel to your Ricky and Lucy at the first bar you meet, and probably for the first year or so, you'll just be casual acquaintances with the regular bar flys. But that's kind of enough to snap yourself out of the funk of thinking that you're incompetent and useless at being social.

Especially since you have each other. You know, she probably doesn't need or want a hectic social life.

Just go out, be chill, have interesting conversations, and don't necessarily go there with the intention of intertwining your lives with these new "friends". Just have them there as a sort of background noise too keep you company when you're bored on a Friday night, and then go home when you've gotten your fill of social interaction.

Friendship doesn't have to be an all or nothing suffocating partnership. It can just be shooting the shit at the local pub about the latest Marvel movie. Take it easy, and anxiety kind of melts away.

Singing_Hollow · Accepted Answer

Seems she needs to surround herself with people to feel accepted. Only way through this is for her to accept that not everyone is going to like her and thats just life. Real world is a hard place to be in and if she's going to live her life based on other opinions then she will never find herself or accept herself. My own faily dont check on me and i have learned that some people just dont have the same interests as me and thats okay. She can either feel sorry for herself or snap out of it and appreciate the ones she does have

Bethany22 · Accepted Answer

Why is she trying to be friends with teenagers first of all? She's 30. Maybe Instagram isn't the greatest way to make friends. Actually go in person to activities and meet people there. Maybe because she's really pretty people get offended by her actions more easily.

Summeroflove · Answer

Well I think she also needs professional help

Guy13 · Answer

Train wreck and impossible to make better.

MaazHussain · Answer

It sounds like your girlfriend has been through a lot of negative experiences with people, both in person and online. It's important to let her know that she is valued and appreciated, and that you care about her. Here are some ways you can comfort her:

Validate her feelings: Let her know that it's understandable to feel sad and lonely when she doesn't have many friends. Acknowledge that the experiences she's had with bullying and negativity online are hurtful.
Offer support: Ask her how you can support her, whether it's through listening, spending time together, or helping her find new ways to make connections.
Focus on the positive: Encourage her to focus on the people who do care about her, like her best friend and the nice girl she met on Instagram. Remind her of her strengths and positive qualities.
Encourage her to seek professional help: If she's struggling with her mental health or feeling overwhelmed, suggest that she speak to a therapist or counselor who can offer support and guidance.

As for why teenagers can be mean and weird on Instagram, it's unfortunately a common problem on social media. Many young people feel anonymous and emboldened by the distance of the internet, and may engage in negative behaviors without considering the impact on others. It's important to be mindful of our own behavior online and to treat others with kindness and respect.

RavVid · Answer

Sadly it is very political being a girl as one of my gal pals put it to me. Excluding is one of the political ploys. Is your girlfriend pretty? That can be a motivating factor.

I don't know how many women have lamented to me it is hard to have female friends because of how competitive it is. So it doesn't seem that unusual.

Since all but that one female friend seems to cause her pain I'd suggest she gets rid of social media and start over if she must.

It is possible that she is unskilled in girl-world, possibly from being bullied through out high school. An ex-gf was in that position. Some of the women she wanted to be friends with told me they didn't like her. She didn't remember things in their lives and tended to talk about herself mostly in boastful way. She would have friends for a while than bust up with them.

If your girlfriend at 30 is reaching down to a 15 yo girl then I suspect it might be the same as with my ex. Other than getting her away from toxic social media and being her friend as well as partner I am not sure you can do that much. You probably don't know much more about girl - girl social interaction then I do.

lightbulb27 · Answer

it's hard, we have this with our teen. Help build her self confidence. Help her establish real friendships in real life and leave social media. Have her build relationships with people she gets along with

Lucky to have one or two friends in life honestly...

OddBeMe · Answer

Sounds like me honestly. It gets me down. But then I realize I’m the only one that can solve this. I either have to get out there more and become more “extroverted” or just accept that I’m more of a recluse and don’t like most people.

So I got me a double barrel and anyone who comes to my door I shoot first. Luckily I forget to buy shells.

katiesmuff · Answer

Your girl needs to get off her ass and get out in the world and meet people (not on a fucking phone or computer) in person. Get a job any job where you are around people and the friends will suddenly appear.

Catharine_N · Answer

Listen to her and give her support. She seems like a nice person and eventually people with the same energy will come into her life.

summiter · Answer

Just be there for her and listen... give it time

Anonymous · Answer

Just comfort here and reassure her that there is nothing wrong with her. Sometimes it’s just hard to make friends but it’s not her fault. Maybe she should take a break from social media. I believe that causes a lot of problems for many people.

sheenagwapa · Answer

western culture is toxic that's why people lack gmrc and the kids up to adults are bullies and no respect for other human beinh

kerrilouis1 · Answer

All you can do for your girlfriend is be there for her and reassure her that everything is going to be ok and give her plenty of cuddles and buy her, her favourite treats and put on her favourite movie/tv show

red324 · Answer

Nobody likes me either. I'm currently eating lunch by myself because nobody is going to join me.

welcomemen · Answer

Tell her you care about her and will stick up for her if another person tries to pick on her

convo_king89 · Answer

I don’t have a girlfriend but I’m guessing once a month get her chocolate.

NostalgiaSenpi · Answer

Have her make more local friends. Help encourage her to break out if the shell.

boobliker · Answer

just be there for her don't push yourself on her

Avicenna · Answer

She’s trying too hard

EaterPeter · Answer

Be there. Physically, emotionally. Leave your mr. Fix it hat away. If you are in pain whole world stops attitude.

PainusNdeeAnus · Answer

Sit next to her then just listen and wipe her tears

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