Is it bad that I get resentful about my girlfriend's sexual history?

[Anonymous]

So I started dating this girl couple months ago. It's been going very well and things are getting rather serious - she seems to be very into me and has been bringing me to her parents a lot. We both knew we were not virgins when we started dating but didn't know much about each other's sexual history. Recently we were chatting one day and talked about this topic. She's admitted that she's still friends with her ex, but she wants me to trust her, so she gives me her phone password and allows me to check her phone whenever I want to. I did check her phone and while I do trust that she would not cheat on me, I went through her texts with her past hookups/fwbs and I can't stop thinking about her sexual history. She's had a lot of sexual partners in the year prior to dating me, about 8. She's said that she has a very liberal mindset when it comes to casual sex, but she is serious about us and is able to commit to a real relationship. I also get secretly resentful, because she's given so much of herself to so many other guys for literally nothing (she would even offer to go dutch on hotels!) and I'd done so much for her to get basically the same things. Some of the messages were really really slutty, which also makes me feel like she doesn't crave me sexually as much as some of the other guys she's hooked up with, which tbf, she's always been honest that she's wasn't attracted to my looks initially (she's a tall girl and I'm a tad shorter than her). So yeah, what do you think? Should I let the past be the past and treat this as a new relationship? Or are my feelings justified?

[Aerissa_Jade]

You really should have a deep heart to heart with her, I always insist by the 12th to 15th date to do that with my man.

I know lots of people say past is past and nobodies business, men and women both say that.

I say, if your planning your entire future together, the past needs to be crystal clear.

Thus I share my entire sexual history and why I did things and expect the same from him. I insist we have a entire day together to talk about things, not just sexual past but its a day we can talk all about it as much as we both want.

Not only that, but other important things like kinks, fetishes, plans for the future, kids and anything that has not come out as of yet.

I've had guys tell me it bothered them that I had more partners than them and we agreed to end things and be friends at that point or not. I've had guys tell me, it didn't matter and then I find out they had been cheating on me trying to balance things out.

You should have that talk with her, as you know what she has done that last year and it is a great deal of trust for her to share her phone with you. You should find out what she has done before that, and share your entire history of everything (not just sexual.)

Things like criminal history should also be shared and talked about, if any.

Then you both can decide if you want to go forward or if it is best to move on.

You know about 8 in the last year but what if there was 50 the year before that? Would that bother you? Then again, maybe she only had 2 before that, so a total of 10.

If this is going to be an issue for you, I would hate to see both of you waste time on a relationship that is going to end eventually.

[Spongebobssocks]

You are valid. A lot of men wouldn't wanna date her. If she can be that sexually free in the past I wouldn't trust her now either.. its not in a womans biology to have casual sex. Something is wrong. She might have dealt with it but I wouldn't trust it if I were you. But its up to you!

[Asker]

Thank you. Very good point about the biology part... Women have way more to lose with casual sex than men and it blew my mind when she had a more casual mindset than most men when it comes to sex. Most of her partners did it without protection, even one night stands.

I'm still undecided. Will have a long hard think about it but at the moment, I think I will give this a shot for another few months to see if I have a reason to overlook her past.

[Spongebobssocks]

Alright! You do whats best for you:)

[Spongebobssocks]

Thanks for MHO!:)

[Hulk_kitty]

I personally think 8 partners is not a big deal, if it was 10 plus then yes I would be bothered about it.

I think sometimes some people do go through a lot partners, merely because its difficult to find you get on with someone.

For example my brother has had 4 girlfriends, but the 3 he had before that, all treated him like shit. Sometimes people just bad luck when it comes to dating.

Sometimes you have to give people the benefit of doubt, regardless of the history, depending how bad it is, otherwise you could be missing out on something great.

I personally wouldn't dump her over this, but its your call, cause you have live with it.

I understand your concern, for me 8 is not a big deal to me. But what is she is like overall as a person, and is she STD free, more importantly. Character, and sexual health, obviously no than 10 partners, all these factors come into play.

[Hulk_kitty]

All going to say to you, its tough place to be in, I understand you, but the same time, there is not a lot of girls or guys who have low body counts. Unless you are looking a religious girl.

I am having to rethink about, everything and I want in a girl overall, when it comes to the dating scene. and body count, makes it that much harder to make a decision.
Sometimes I feel you have almost forgive a certain number of body counts to have any chance with a girl, otherwise you might end single forever, if you are too picky.

[Boomchakalaca]

People may go through a lot of partners but it dosent mean to sleep with every one of them. Age and time frame of that relationship play a role on their body count.

[Asker]

Fair point.

I've a similar body count as her, but it was over many many years and most were genuine attempts at a relationship. The thing that bothers me was that 7 out of 8 of her body counts were hook ups and that it happened over just 12 months. I did make her do an STD test and it came back negative so that was great...

I don't know, I can't explain it. Something about the fact that she gave herself away to so many guys for free and probably did way sluttier things in bed with other men than with me just bothers me. I would have broken it off in most situations, but OTOH I can see that she is really serious about us.

[Hulk_kitty]

@Boomchakalaca very true. all too much for at the same time, maybe just be better to stay single and have hookups is easier, relatioships are getting to complicated for my intelligence now lol.

[Hulk_kitty]

To be honest, I just can't be arsed with relationships nowadays, too much expectations out there on both sides. More stress and energy than its worth, I prefer the single life, and focus on things that actually make me happy. I don't believe no girl can actually me that happy. I don't believe in finding love or the one will make you happy, its all a big fallacy, created by Hollywood.

[loveslongnails]

I think you've got issues that will break you apart going forward unless you TRULY deal with them now.

" Should I let the past be the past" - Apparently, you haven't been able to do that thus far, so what makes you think you can do it going forward? Do you REALLY think you're capable of doing that " and treating this as a new relationship?"

"Or are my feelings justified?" - I'm unclear if she's CURRENTLY sending slutty messages to other guys, or if those are in the past also?

[Boomchakalaca]

If i were in ur position, i would not date someone with a sexual past like that for a young age. Its better to be upfront about things from the get go to see if you really want to take the relationship further. If body count matters to you, then i dont think this is the right girl.

[Tyrael]

That's red flag to me. It's almost like she's settling.
Multiple guys in one year before meeting you, who knows how many before that.
Gives it to them for free but makes you work for it.
Admits she wasn't even attracted to you that much.

I'd think hard about whether or not she's right for you long term.

[Asker]

Exactly, this is what I'm feeling. It is a huge red flag. Some of the messages disgusted me because she was never this slutty to me. Her excuse was that she was afraid that I'd make the relationship all about sex, or use her just for sex.

That said, like I said in the post there's the part about her giving me passwords to her phone + bringing me to meet her parents all the time (im the first guy she's brought back home). So in a huge dilemma really.

[Berethor]

You should not trust a girl like that, she sounds very dirty, and she is likely to cheat on you.

[shanshu]

You should count yourself lucky that she trusts you enough to go through her phone that has all that, most girls wouldn't and The fact that she really likes you and introduced you to her parents is a big thing.

She prob not sexual as she is with others is because she wants more from you that's just sex.

You can either let it bother you or move on.

What if she was very resentful if you had a past like hers?

[mark000h]

No it's not bad, but you shouldn't be with her if it's something that bothers you. You have to find someone that matches your values.

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are justified. But she's still a woman and therefore your feelings are kind of irrelevant to her on this. What concerns me is this, "she wasn't initially attracted to me". Well why did she start dating you? I would be concerned with what you told me so far that your not just a relationship of convenience, until a better fit comes along. Not saying that's the case. But I've heard a lot of disrespectful things so far here.

[LazerBean]

Yeah. If stuff like that is going to bother you, you should have figured her out before getting into a relationship.

[Asker]

Appreciate the response but that's not very helpful nor does it answer my question at all.

Didn't think about this that much before we started dating and it's my first time dating a girl who used to be promiscuous. I'm sure I'm gonna find out more things about her that bothers me in the future. That's the whole point of dating, we find out stuff about each other along the way.

[LazerBean]

It does answer your question, it's a simple yes. And as an adult, not thinking ahead like you're supposed to is going to make you screw up and waste way more time than is necessary.

[PickleTree]

You gave a perfect answer. Although, some people on here just want you to tell them what they want to hear. That happened to me earlier today. I gave an honest answer, and later felt bad about it. I honestly thought the girl was looking for honest responses, but she wasn't. Maybe she should have created a poll with 5 choices, and this would be the choices:
A. Yes.
B. Yes.
C. Yes.
D. Yes.
E. Yes.

[LazerBean]

@PickleTree yeah, unfortunately there's a lot of people like that around here.

[PickleTree]

I actually felt guilty, because I hurt her feelings. She said that a guy on here told her that this site doesn't represent the real world. She wanted to know if he was right or wrong. I said he's right. I've never once in the real world been asked if it's OK for someone to have a threesome with their cousin and mom. Questions like that are normal on this site. Had I known she was just looking for validation, I would have told her that this site perfectly mirrors the real world. In the real world, people are constantly asking about masturbation questions. lol.

[richardcory]

If it bothers you, it may be better for BOTH of you to find someone else. The one thing no one can change is their past

[NostalgiaSenpi]

Ask her to delete the texts if you're bothered so much. Your feelings are valid, but at the same time, she trusts you enough to give over her phone and laid it all on the table, including not liking you at first.

[ColHathi]

I think it's weird to look at sex stuff as transactionary. It's just people enjoying each other sexually. I don't think your resentfulness is justified, and I'd leave it in the past.

[HighValue]

Don't be in a relationship with anyone that is in contact with an ex.

[Anonymous]

Really, 8?

You really need to grow up and stop being so insecure.

[Boomchakalaca]

8 is a lot considering their age 18-24. Those partners most likely didn't even make it a year of dating. Itd be like 3 months of fucking then breakup then next person is 5 months of fucking. If u give urself away that quick, it is so unattractive. Its not even an insecure issue its more like.. woah this girl had 8 dicks in her and im the 9th.

[Asker]

@Boomchakalaca

This...

FYI out of the 8, only 2 was a genuine relationship. The rest were hook ups from the beginning, some of one night stands were even outright suggested by her (no dinners, no first dates, just meetup for sex) . I read some of the messages with her friends where she told them "hey im meeting this new guy I met on a dating app", and she was like she would not sleep with me if I hadn't paid for the first date... so while I want to trust her with everything that's going on (passwords to phone, meeting family), I can't help but think she's just settling because she doesn't want to miss a "nice guy" like me.

[AngryCarl2]

It's kind of stupid. If she's such a ho why are you even with her? You're just making your own life miserable.

[noohair]

I don't live in the past because I can't grow unless I am looking forward.

[slatyb]

Yes, it is. You need to get over this.

[Anonymous]

Hard pass. Red flags.

[Neufd]

A bad pats is disgusting

[BaileyWillow]

Yes..

[Anonymous]

i assume you had to ask her out, approach her

[Iron_Man]

Red Flag

[In_Trance]

Pointless really.