Should ex’s be a family conversation topic with the new partner?

[Anonymous]

• So guys and girls please leave me your opinions, this is something that’s bothered me for a while now, My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years now and things have been great, sure we’ve had our ups and downs but who doesn’t? Anyways his family has brought up stories with his ex girlfriend a few times in front of me and my boyfriend will never say anything about it, it makes us both uncomfortable but he won’t speak up about it, since it’s his ex I feel that he should be the one to put a stop to it, I have a great relationship with all of his family, but when they bring up an ex that wasn’t even serious, it makes me feel like nothing more than a fling. Any opinions?

[Smiling_Baby21]

When a person experiences something, there is what someone gets, and that's memories of those moments. It makes your boyfriend uncomfortable in your presence, but how sure are you he isn't involved in that conversation of comparison in your absence? If he knew how much of a discomfort it brings you, then he would make an effort to ensure that no one made his woman feel worthless. Has he made an effort to sit down with his parents and put the issue on the table, or he has let it linger longer cause it also entertains him? You can't judge the parents, because from what I have learnt, every partner has a duty to their other partner when it comes to family. When you know your family best, you try to smoothen the transition for the other person. You give them heads up about certain characters in the house you come from. You talk to your family members about the things that you know would cause discomfort to your other partner. The fact that it bothers you and he doesn't seem to notice that, should make you step back and watch this critically. You either take a stand and tell him to make a move or sit back and enjoy the disrespect and comparison. Cause anything you say to his family, is just going to be the last nail in the coffin they were all waiting for.

[Finchie40]

If they are talking highly of an ex like they were this great person , then yes that’s disrespectful on their part and your partner should be putting a stop to it , out of respect for you and the relationship,. If it becomes a consistent thing , then you have every right to tell your boyfriend that you feel his parent’s are disrespectful people period , and that you don’t want to be around them anymore if they are going to keep comparing you to his ex. If your boyfriend loves you and values you , he will have words with his parent’s and tell them to knock it the fuck off , My Dad has done this to girl’s I was dating by talking about my one ex that he really liked , and I would immediately tell him to knock it off and say she is an ex for a reason , nothing great about her , if she was so great , she wouldn’t be my ex period.. Most people in general do not know how to be respectful , Family and friends can say things that our out of line period , Why I never prioritize my family of friends over my partner when I get into a committed relationship with a girl , cuz family and friends can be toxic to your relationship, Most people don’t think before they speak and most people that you think are close to you that you think you can trust , turns out you can’t , when they are saying things that are disrespectful and out of line . My advice is to you is to have a talk with your boyfriend and tell him the truth on how you feel disrespected by his family , if he loves and cares about you , he will put an end to it , if not kick him to the curb

[TruthBringer]

I think that them talking an ex, regardless whether it is positive or negative, is a red flag. Maybe they don't mean it as such, but it is rude. Not only should the past stay in the past, but they are taking away the focus away from you to somebody who they should forget at this point.

I think in these circumstances you have to analyze their intentions. Are their intentions good by trying to make you feel good when they pedestalize you over his ex? Or are they just sharing happy memories they shared with his ex? Either way, if it upsets you, then it is your boyfriend's job to make them stop. Not just because it makes you feel uncomfortable, but also because they are bringing up a past person of his who should now be deemed irrelevant

[Anonymous]

You say it wasn’t that serious, but are you sure about that or just choosing to believe his words? Remember there’s 2 sides to every story, and it says a lot when she’s made such an impact on his family that they still bring her up. Now as to if she should still be a topic of conversation? Definitely not, and it’s disheartening that your boyfriend won’t stand up for you in that situation. So if you’ve got to do it yourself, just be polite about it and ask them to stop, as it makes you very uncomfortable. Whether it’s intentional or not, being constantly reminded of someone else can be intimidating. You’ll start wondering whether or not they think you’re good enough and just all sorts of unnecessary negative thoughts.

[Asker]

Exactly, I’ve already felt that way and honestly I’ve had enough of that, his mom refers to me as a daughter in law when she introduces me to friends, it’s only been his uncles who have done this. Thank you for your opinion

[Anonymous]

Oye, I got you one beat. My ex's parents had a photo of the two of them at a formal event on the mantle for all to see. I asked one time, like, why do you still have this, your son and I are dating now, a bit awkward no, and his mom said it was such a beautiful picture, why let it go to waste just because they broke up...and she still kept in touch with the girl. RED FLAG.

Anyway, you say the family gets along with you in your case, and things seem to be going well. Two options, speak up or forever hold our peace. Just be prepared that your boyfriend may still say nothing which if that bothers you, is probably not a good thing because if he can't chirp up about this, well, what happens down the line with more serious things. Just saying.

[Asker]

Wow how pathetic I’m sorry they did that to you, and yea if it happens again then he’d better step up about it honestly, if not then I’m outta here lol

[KingslayerC]

I'm not even reading the narrative below the topic. The answer is "no." Anyone who brings up exes is an asshole. My wife's family did that constantly when we first got together. Hell, they still invited him over and went on family trips with him (that I wasn't invited to) and basically worshipped the guy. It was pure asshole behavior.

[Asker]

I am so sorry you went through that, I get it, she’s had the nerve to come over to his family’s home too, it’s so ridiculous

[KingslayerC]

Damn... You're in a bad spot. I don't want to give bad advice, just make sure to take your time with any decisions you make from here on out. It's hard to go backwards.

[EricSummer]

It's only his parents while he himself is also uncomfortable. Is that really so bad?

On the other hand it should be even less of an issue for the parents to avoid this topic. He needs to talk to his parents about this. Would it be ok for him to pin it on you, that your feelings must be protected as you easily get jealous? They must respect that.

Statistically, the parents can be forgiven for treating successive girlfriends as equal, but the current one should still be presumed more serious.

[jshm2]

Why the hell are you insecure about it? She's his ex for a reason, and you're going to end up an ex like her if you keep being as you are.

[Asker]

Ok bro thanks for the genius advice, I’m sure you make your partner’s life so much easier with that mindset.

[admles]

They should absolutely not be.

My ex is pretty much an off-limits conversation topic with anyone.

[Anonymous]

His past, your past, anyone's past should stay in the past, period.

[In_Trance]

There is no blanket answer for this. It depends on the x and how much of an influence you're allowing them to have on you

[sheikalana]

Immediately NO.

[ProbablyClueless]

Eh... I wouldn't be down.

[dudeinohio]

Never ever.