How to respond when it feels like he’s not putting an effort?

[Anonymous]

Have been having a casual relationship with this guy for 6 months. Recently got in a weird spot where I felt he was using me so we texted about it and said we would talk in person. He asked to hang last night but I said I had plans. I then asked him when he was free next and kinda felt like he blew me off. He said he’s off work next sat and sun but sat he has something going on and Mon he needs to be up early so prob not a good night.

Now I’m just annoyed. Like if you want to hang with someone you make time for them.

Kinda getting over this whole thing. Was thinking of just saying “seems like our schedules are getting more difficult to coordinate. 😕” and then if he doesn’t suggest a time then I think I’m gonna fade this out. What do you think?

[Oliverlogan263]

I think it's a good idea to be direct with him and tell him how you're feeling. Tell him that you feel like he's not putting in any effort and that you're not sure if you want to continue the relationship. If he doesn't make an effort to change, then I think it's time to move on.

Your proposed response seems reasonable and direct: "Seems like our schedules are getting more difficult to coordinate." And if he doesn't suggest an alternative time that works for both of you, then fading things out is a good option.

A few other key considerations:

• His lack of effort in making plans with you demonstrates a lack of caring and investment in the relationship. You deserve better than that.

• His constant excuses and blow offs are disrespectful of your time and feelings. A person who wants to see you will find a way to make it happen.

• You've already communicated your concerns with him directly, and he hasn't changed his behavior. This suggests he's unlikely to put more effort in moving forward.

• Simply fading things out can be easier, but being direct and setting a clear boundary may provide you with more closure: "The lack of effort you're putting into our plans makes me feel like you don't value our time together. I think we want different things."

• Don't settle for less effort than you're willing to give. You deserve someone who enthusiastically wants to see you and prioritizes your time together.

• Stay confident and focus on yourself. Ending things that aren't serving you is an act of self-care and self-respect.

Your proposed response is a good start. Try to be direct but keep it simple, then move on if he doesn't change his actions. Focus on finding someone more compatible who does put in equal effort. You've got this!

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any other questions.

You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel valued and appreciated. Don't settle for less.

[Asker]

This made me emotional lol. Very helpful!! I had given him the chance to talk in person but he’s not even making an effort in that so clearly shows his investment in this. Ready to move on and find someone who will put the investment. It’s ironic because it always feels like it’s the ones I’m not interested in!! But thank you very much for the great advice.

[Oliverlogan263]

Awww you’re welcome. I'm glad my advice was helpful! It's always hard to walk away from something that's familiar, even if it's not serving you. But moving on to find a truly fulfilling relationship does require the strength and self-confidence to let go of situations that aren't right for you. A few final thoughts:

• Remember that you deserve effortless love and care, not half-hearted attempts at a relationship. Don't settle for anything less.

• Focus on learning from this experience and gaining clarity on what you really need and want from a partner. That knowledge will serve you well in your next relationship.

• Letting go can be bittersweet. Allow yourself to feel all your feelings - the sadness, relief, guilt, and hope. They'll pass in time.

• Stay busy and surround yourself with loved ones for support. Redirect your energy into activities that bring you joy.

• As you move on, maintain your self-respect. Don't contact him again or try to stay "friends." Going no contact will help you move on faster.

• Be kind yet firm with yourself. Healing and moving on takes time. But every day gets a little easier. You've got inner strength and resilience you may not realize yet.

• Remember that you are worthy of love, effort and care - all the good things you have to offer another. Keep that in your heart.

I'm glad I could help! It sounds like you're making the right decision to move on. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel valued and appreciated.

I wish you all the best on this next chapter of your life and your journey to finding the truly fulfilling relationship you desire. You've got this! Feel free to reach out if you have any other questions.

[Asker]

I was fading him out and giving him short responses to the point he stopped answering 2 days ago. Now he just randomly message me saying maybe we should take a break. And that it’s been tough since we both have many things going on. I never heard of a break from casual?

[Oliverlogan263]

Taking a "break" in a casual relationship does seem a bit unusual and unnecessary. Some thoughts on his message:

• It sounds like an excuse or deflection rather than a genuine proposal. If he was genuinely busy and wanted to see you, he would make more of an effort to coordinate schedules.

• He may be sensing your lack of interest and trying to "save face" by proposing a break, rather than you clearly communicating disinterest or fading away. It allows him to tell himself the reason you're not talking is because of the break, rather than because you're losing interest in him.

• A break in a casual relationship usually indicates one or both people are losing interest but not wanting to admit it directly. So a "break" is proposed as a softer way to create distance.

• His message is very vague, saying "many things going on" rather than specifics. This indicates he may not actually want to put much effort into coordinating schedules in the future, hence proposing a break.

• You may just be at different places in what you want from this relationship. He seems content with it fading out, while you were wanting a bit more effort and communication from him.

In summary, I'd interpret his "break" proposal as a soft way of letting the relationship fade without directly acknowledging the incompatibility or lack of effort on his part. If that's the case, you're probably better off just respectfully parting ways and finding someone who can meet your needs and invest the effort you desire.

[slatyb]

Tell him how you feel. If he doesn't show that he cares, date someone else.

[kylee2437]

Fade it out. A person keeping you in the talking stage that long with no future to make it official is obviously using you. If he didn’t decide now that he wants to be with you, he never will. And he is just stringing you along because he’s too far deep into this talking stage to admit he doesn’t have feelings for you

[Asker]

We had a hookup relationship only but I guess I felt like we were at least friends. But don’t think he feels that way on his side. But it is hard for me to have a casual relationship and not have some sort of feelings. I think I’m going to keep the convo short and fade it. Not worth my energy anymore.

[kylee2437]

@asker stuff like that is always bound to end. A lot of times when men agree to a friends with benefit situation, it’s because of the sex aspect and it’s because the woman allows the man to get away with less than bare minimum aspects that other women wouldn’t put up with. He saw it as a benefit for you to get his “friendship” in exchange for sex.

[Asker]

Yea it’s definitely come to the end of the road for this one. Thought he was a legit good guy and different than others. But it’s the same old !!

[kylee2437]

@asker a man that is out just for the sex, is most likely not a good guy. And a man that doesn’t put forward what he speaks is definitely 100% not good

[barn_stormer]

you're old and past teh wall. get used to shit treatment

[Anonymous]

She gives little she gets little. That's just the way it is.