Is dating other unattractive people the only real solution for unattractive people who are unable to find a partner?

[Anonymous]

I don't want to upset anyone by this opinion. I believe that there is a notion of conventional attractiveness in any society. Most people find the same kind of features attractive. If you lack these features, most people will find you physically unattractive. Conventionally attractive people usually do date other conventionally attractive people. It is very hard to date above your league in terms of physical appearance. And yes, most people (both men and women) definitely do care a lot about physical appearance. Even the people saying otherwise are often just saying so in order to not look shallow. For men, I think if you can earn significantly more than the women you are interested in, you still have a chance if you are lacking in physical appearance (I have personally experienced this). There is a very limited amount of change you can make to your body in order to look more attractive. It is mostly genetics.

If you look around you, you find people are marrying people of a similar level of attractiveness as themselves. People eventually come to overlook appearance and focus on other qualities. We should just accept this instead of being upset or disappointed about it. It's really not anyone's fault.

[coachTanthony]

Yes that is the solution because the problem is not that they are unattractive it's that they are unattractive in their mind. I see so many physically unattractive people get in shape get a sense of humor get some confidence and they do just fine. Most won't even try so yes they will have to accept their fate of what you have said above.

[Asker]

Not to be rude but you have to admit that looks are mostly genetic. How many hours of gym can you expect an office worker who works 50-60 hours a week to do? Is it worth it? Some people simply can't afford to spend so much time in the gym. And the whole confidence and personality thing is also largely false. Believe what you will, but I have the respect and friendship of many women. But I can't expect them to date me because there are always taller better looking men. I can only be their "friend" or "like their brother".

[coachTanthony]

There are men like this and men like you. Yeah it's worth it.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/MhTsyN76ZQ8

[sunflower00]

@ Asker - Just to comment back, it is really difficult to find motivation to go to the gym when you work so much but it’s not impossible. I work full time 6 days per week and also do university full time online and used to go to the gym 3x per week and went on a diet and lost 18lbs. Unfortunately I have gained a lot of it back due to a number of reasons but I’m getting back into the gym again & eating better and I know if I just had the discipline I could do it again (although a little trickier now with the uni & volunteering on top of it). I’m now starting to go 5x per week (3x weights, 2x to get steps in during the dark winter)

Not denying it’s difficult though

[Asker]

@sunflower00 I do go to the gym. I just can't spend more than two or three hours a week. I'm very thin naturally, I have always looked like this. So does my father and my brother. I'm also very short, only 163 cm tall. Not complaining, but there is realistically only so much I can do to look bigger or more athletic. I'm not even some loser or toxic person or anything. I have a good salary, I also play classical music. That's why it's so annoying when people say "it's all about confidence and personality". Clearly it's not. I have been on dates with girls who I would consider more attractive than myself, but they really have no incentive to be with me. The only real way someone like me can enter a long-term relationship that will result in marriage is by not caring about physical appearance.

[Asker]

The problem with this mindset is that it tries to convince men that masculinity = going to the gym. It's almost like your worth as a man depends on how many hours you spend in the gym. And those who just don't want to are inferior or whiny males, not good enough to be a husband and providers.

[coachTanthony]

If you don’t see yourself as a “catch” then why should anyone else? You simply oooze that defeated mindset. Women can easily pick up on it … your words…your actions etc you have already decided you’re not good enough. I guess all guys that look like you should just give up so you can feel better?

[Asker]

They shouldn't "give up". They should stop caring about physical appearance in a partner in order to have a healthy marriage. That's what all men in my family and even those who married into my family did. Going after the pretty girls is not a good idea in the long run. Women think I'm a resourceful and intelligent person, but they are not physically attracted to me. It's up to you not to gaslight people into thinking it's all about their "personality". You don't know anything about me.

[coachTanthony]

They should never stop caring about finding someone they are physically attracted too. I have had several clients who were 9 out of 10 in looks who couldn't find a good woman to marry because they had no personality, sense of humor or self awareness. Women were turned off after they opened their mouth. It's funny you think it's your looks and I would bet the farm its your dry sense of being... and no fun personality. Just a wild guess. Could be way off lol Anyway good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

[BoopBoopBeep]

I'm 5'9" I used to be obese as a kid. I'm not Brad Pitt. I'm not Quasimoto.

I had 3 women ask me out last weekend. A couple months ago at the charity 10K I was at, 4 different women asked for a date from me and tree of them were standing there at my car together. I went to a university lecture Wednesday night and two upperclassman-looking girls whistled at me walking down the hallway and said I looked sharp. I average 5-7 offers for dinner/drinks a month, but I'm busy, so I tell the majority of them that respectfully, we'll have to pencil in something a couple months out. I drive a 2013 Mazda 3 hatchback that needs a new rear bumper because people in D. C. don't know how to park. Including transit time to work, I'm occupied 50 hours/week, so I work out when I can, but you know what, you can't out-workout a bad diet, and most people eat like shite.

I say all this to say that you don't have to spend a whole lot of time at the gym. Hell 90% of my workout is either cardio at a local charity race or chopping wood for a few hours on the weekend or something "real world" that I'm taking care of at my house. Moving 80lb blocks from an old retaining wall to a new location for instance. By hand. @coachTanthony nailed it. When I dropped the weight, got cut, got confident (because I was much better looking than before and I'd already gotten a nicer wardrobe to show that off) then it's not hard for the average guy to get above average women. He's also right that keeping them laughing goes a long way, so work on that. What's not hot is self-pity. I'm not trying to slam you Asker, I'm just saying you're underdelivering to yourself, and you deserve more than that. I'm not special. I did it. You can do it. I've got the same genetics now that I had when women wouldn't cross the street to piss on me if I were on fire.

[BCA6010]

A huge chunk of the very attractive women I've known are with, and in some cases married (with kids) to some pretty ugly men, so no, I disagree with your titular premise. Clearly these guys had other qualities to offer (probably money or at least stability).

[LazerBean]

Not necessarily. An unattractive person could potentially get a more attractive person as long as they don't mind being used for money or are okay with dating a mentally ill person. But generally, dating someone on your own level is the answer.

[Monalisa77]

Jeez thanks, im not going after someone worse off than me

[DextroShade]

Yes that is what they should do, and most men are apparently willing to do because I will often see fat or broke dudes with fat women. The problem is nowadays most ugly women don't think they are ugly because of the stupid and insane body positivity movement, so now we have 300 lbs women saying they are 10's and thinking the men they realistically qualify for are beneath them.

[Miristheiss]

Not specifically in the exception area but in the overall, general norm it is best for people to pair up with their equivalent. 9s and 10s with 9s and 10s, 5s and 6s with 5s and 6s, so on and so forth.

[bededazzle]

could be. hard to change your attraction, but lowering the importance of physical attraction seems like s noble thing. why should it really be important? personally i haven’t been able to do it.

[blueonblack22]

The rule of thumb is don’t have higher standards for the person you want to date then you have for yourself.

[WheelerOfSeeds1]

Go for an attractive person with low self esteem, help them feel better about themself, once they come out of it you will be their knight in shining armor. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

most ugly hideous women dont date average looking guys

[Anonymous]

Loser mentality right there.

[Joker_]

yes.