My recently new boyfriend had tinder on his phone?

[Olivinator44]

I saw his tinder on his phone. When I told him he said sorry and deleted it in front of me. Then asked if I actually liked him and why I liked him. Then he expressed how he felt like I wasn’t appreciating what he has done for us. He said he feels like he is putting 80% and I am 20%. He says he doesn’t want this small thing to end us. When I asked him if he actually liked me he said he really does and understands I am quite but feels like he is doing something wrong. Like he isn’t doing enough for me. I told him he is doing enough. I’m not sure what to do. I find it will be hard to rebuild trust if I continue the relationship. But also don’t want it to end.

[DaveJord]

So, if you met this guy online... then the fact that he has dating apps on his phone should not be a deal breaker... but that all depends on how long you have been dating, and what things you have discussed up to this point with him. But in this post, you do not discuss all those things. So yes, on the surface it's easy to jump to conclusions or make assumptions. But I ways say, never make assumptions. You should NEVER assume the worst, but at the same time do not make the mistake of assuming the best.

But like you said, you are quiet. My mother never gave me any relationship advice in my life but one thing.

"Watch out for the quiet ones, because you never know what is going on beneath the surface."

What you actually have here is an opportunity to open up to this guy and have a broad and greater conversation. But your immediate instinct is to make assumptions that will lead you to close yourself off even more. When basically he is telling you that is what you have been doing, and it is making me feel less appreciated and valued by you.

When is the right time to remove yourself from dating apps and when is it too late? All depends on what the two of you have discussed, how open and honest you have been about your feelings, and what you two have agreed to between yourselves.

But if you have not had this conversation previously, and you have now just found out about it... sounds more like you have made assumptions that have ended up to not be true. But if you have not addressed that with him previously, then that is on you not him.

But he is being honest with you right now. So, if you are only looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship, then he honestly has done nothing wrong. But if it is not this it will be something else sooner than later. If this is something you want, then you need to start putting in the hard work, because that is what relationships are all about.

But if you end this now, because you think that is right thing to do, then make sure you have learned all the right lessons first about these experiences, before closing off your mind to it. If you do not grow from this experience, you are doomed to make all the same mistakes.

Now from man's perspective, this guy is telling you that he feels like he has fought harder for you then you have for him... and you are making him feel less than. So, evaluate that for yourself before making any assumptions about what you should do about it.

Because if this relationship is worth it to you, then you will fight for it like he feels he has been. But if this is not worth it, then you need to do what you need to do... but next time it will not be any easier for you if you do not grow as a person.

[Hulk_kitty]

I think you need to leave this relationship, you don't want to be in a relationship, were you are always be the bad guy/girl, and you can't do anything right.

If you are in relationship, there is no need for him still have tinder or an account tinder, and then blames you and everything and is your fault because he has tinder. That's toxic behaviour.

Trust me, you don't want to be with someone doesn't want to take responsibilty for their actions, and then blames you, you will only get hurt, and be emotionally bankrupt. Red flag.

One thing I have learnt, your biggest currency in the world, is your time, and not your bank balance, you don't want to waste it on the wrong person, otherwise you be bankrupt.

I suggest you trust your gut instinict with him, and leave him, otherwise if don't trust yourself now, it will be harder to trust yourself later down the line, when he has destroyed your confidence.

This only the start for his bad behaviour, he will ruin your confidence, and then you won't have confidence to leave, and that's abuse starts. Later on you are too scared to leave him.

Don't invest more than, you can afford lose in a relationship.

[Hulk_kitty]

If you don't trust him, leave. You can't have a relationship, with no trust. Forget about rebuilding, you will find someone else. Also don't be scared, cause you will end up single again, that's the worst thing you can do, is be scared of been single or starting a new relationship.
Its far better to be single, and start off fresh, than to be treated badly. Don't let fear destroy your life, or be scared to something new. Look forward to challenge of starting again, you will learn about yourself that way.

[Hulk_kitty]

Remember life is not success only journey, you are going to fail and fall many times all the way. Its how deal with that fall or failure, that defines you.

[Hulk_kitty]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-2SfWJYeNc

[Xoxocutekitty]

Deleting the app in front of you is a green flag.

Him already complaining he's doing 80% compared to your 20% is a red flag, particularly this early into a relationship. I would figure out the root cause of this because he's expecting a lot and not really communicating anything. maybe he wants more sex. Maybe he's broke and wants you to pay for his dates. Maybe he wants you to be at his beck and call so he can manipulate you into having a relationship that works for him.

Either way, relationships shouldn't "feel" transactional. I think this is his way of saying "you're not hot enough for the amount of effort." Any person that is head over heels would be happy to do 200% during the first few months of dating and wouldn't ask for anything back.

[Hulk_kitty]

No offence cute kitty, him deleting the app is not a green flag, he only deleted cause he got caught with it.
Honesty is, telling someone what they are doing, before they find out, example I am your boyfriend, I tell you I am going out for meal with a female friend on such a date and time. Been honest is not, I don't tell you, anything about the meal with a female friend, and then you found about it.

Having a dating app on his, could be completely innocent, who's know intentions. But if I am honest with intentions in the first, you won't have to second guess me. If someone is doesn't tell you something they are doing, or hiding, that's when we dealt someone's honesty.

[Hulk_kitty]

If someone is doesn't tell you something they are doing, or hiding, that's when we dealt someone's intentions.
If I am honest with you from the get go, and tell you everything, I can tell you now, you won't dealt my intentions. Your words, should always much your actions, that's we trust each other.

[MissStrawberry912]

It’s hurtful… but I think it’s good he was at least honest and deleted it. I think it’s important to have open conversations about wants and needs. Maybe ask him how will he feel love from you? Or what concerns does he have that’s making him feel like he’s receiving low effort from you and what can you do more? Will he have an urge and open another dating app again because he’s feeling insecure/unhappy? Tell him what can he do to rebuild trust to move forward.

[lightbulb27]

yea, sounds like poor communication, needs are not being met, not feeling secure.

I kinda not sure if he just deflected onto you when he was "found out". Not sure, I don't know him. but it's good he deleted it. Trust... needs rebuilt.

you are locked up emotionally... so going to require some work to stabilize. that starts with communication, listening.

A little concerning it sounds like emotionally... you are extremes. Worth examining the attraction, and who each of you really are, what you want... and if that's really true. therapist can be 3rd party for perspective if needed.

[BoopBoopBeep]

I feel like you're leaving out a lot of essential information here, because from what I read I don't understand why it was even a conversation, much less the heavy one you described.

You still have tender here

Whoops my bad *deletes*

Italian for dinner or chinese?

That's how that would play out for me, especially in a new relationship, which is what you called it.

What 80% is he doing? Why did he even go down that road? What is going on here?

[sawno]

He is a new boyfriend, so yeah that can happen where he simply didn't think to uninstall it yet. Give him the benefit of the doubt for now and see what he does in the future.

[deus_ex_sisyphus]

He felt uneasy about the trajectory of the relationship. You confronted those feeling and reassured him. He deleted the app in front of you as a show of faith. Neither of you want it to end... Just keep it going, but show no mercy if you catch him on dating apps in the future.

[ThrillSeeker01]

Maybe give him one more chance. Like if he spends a lot of his time with you and you don't notice him getting interested in other girls like on apps

[dudeinohio]

His account is still active on tinder. Deleting the app does not delete the account. All he needs to do is reinstall the app when you aren't around.

But having it is very suspicious. He is/was looking for someone.

[OddBeMe]

Wow young love. Uhh yeah you sound like you’re handling it correctly. Ask what he means 80/20. And make sure you always try for 50/50….

Not that any of us knows what that means. It’s more aspirational. With my wife it’s listening to her.

[Twalli]

What is your love language? Mine is physical touch. The best way you can show your love and appreciation for him is by doing it in your love language.

[KrakenAttackin]

You need to bring more than sex to the relationship.

[Anonymous]

He's a cheater.

[HouseMoat]

You sound a bit controlling

[Danny_dan92]

Confront

[Cheerfull009]

Ha ha, novel