My personality is a lot and off puts men should I act more normal and likeable or just wait for a guy who gets me?

[Anonymous]

Everything about me is kind of different and odd. I’ve always been told i’m very pretty but personality is too shocking and off putting for most people especially men. I find it very easy to make friends with other women but men run for the hills or develop a aggressive distain for me.

I make crude sometimes very dark jokes I’m a very direct and honest person and I’m very dramatic in my humor and storytelling as well as generally hyper and I guess at times overly bubbly and comfortable when I meet. Because of the fact men generally dislike me I’m kind of standoffish to guys but if I feel they may be nice I go straight into being myself which usually makes them start feeling really angry and sometimes even hostile at me…

I don’t know how to ease into being myself it’s like all or nothing. Should I lean to be more calm and approachable/cater to be a likable women even though it’s inauthentic or just wait for a man who likes me as I am?

[caring__1]

Do you find it desirable when a guy farts constantly in your presence? Would you prefer he hold it back out of consideration? How would this be any different than your behavioral choices. Hopefully, whatever you choose actually takes you where you want to go. If not, you have the option to fine tune your choices. To legitimize dysfunctional patterns by saying "this is just who I am," you're only limiting yourself. I'm sure you encounter many people who have behavioral patterns you'd like to see adjusted. It's your life. If you like the results, continue the pattern.

[Asker]

I feel like it’s different because the same men who hate me for my personality are the ones who tell me they wish i’d die or someone would kill me or they’d kill me or that i’m ugly etc etc. I not one to insult anyone without reason but it feels judgementful for them to respond so aggressively when I just want to be happy and laugh.

Yes I want a boyfriend and I’m willing t make compromises personality wise but for all the times I’ve been told I was annoying, or loud, or weird I’ve never been told I was a bad person because Im still loving and kind and caring to my best ability. I feel like anything less than what I am now wouldn't be me, I’d some a blank slate I feel I’d be sad being boring and calm and docile but that’s everything all men want from me.

I get your point though so I guess I just have to evaluate what’s more important to me

[caring__1]

It's not about molding yourself into the ideal of others; it's recognizing the best relationships are those where both individuals prioritize being both student and teacher. Learn all you can about your partner's preferences, so you can show consideration for that person, and clearly share the essence of who you are.

No one's saying you need to associate with every type of person. If someone insults you or acts aggressively or is disrespectful, just accept the fact that this is not a person you choose to invest in. That person isn't going to change for you, so don't waste your time with that person, though be observant to see if you may have said or done something that might have triggered that response. Find people who are truly drawn to the type of person you are. Don't be a chameleon and expect everyone to love you, but that doesn't mean you need to be a caricature of a caricature. You'll open more doors with subtleties than extremes. You don't need to use a sledge hammer to get someone's attention. All men don't want boring, calm and docile, but it's a waste of energy to use more force than is necessary to impact the change you'd like to see.

[Asker]

I never thought o was but so extreme or demanding of attention. I’m never trying to seek out men, I don’t even feel I get along with men well. I treat them the same as women when I do get to know them they just don’t like it … Maybe as a whole i can tone myself down because i do want to see a change and I do want to be lovable so I can work towards that and being more selective on what I joke about and to who.

[caring__1]

Review your recent responses to guys and see if you notice any pattern. Sometimes we come across defensive when people assume, blame, criticize, demand, rationalize, yell or tell others what they should or shouldn't do, feel or believe. See if any of these might be triggers for you. Since the best defense is generally seen as a good offense, our response could come across offensive. Maybe your friends or family can help you see your patterns. If you ask for help, accept whatever they say. You can seek clarification, but never deny or rationalize what they are seeing, as that will only lead them to stop their willingness to help you.

You talk about joking. It isn't uncommon for people to say they have a sarcastic sense of humor. Actually, there is no such thing as a sarcastic sense of humor, as someone is always hurt by sarcasm, so it's not humor.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Wait for a man who likes you as you are, although life changes are only recommended if these traits are toxic and harmful to your lifestyle or other people's lifestyle, these are simply just traits that go along with your bubbly personality, I don't believe change is necessary because these features can be appreciated by a certain individual, it's a part of who you are and it should be accepted, not changed, don't change for others.

[LazerBean]

I think everyone who is severely unlikable should try to be likeable. For example, should a person who is naturally an ass and a jerk continue doing so because that's the real them, or should they simply try to be a better person? A better version of themselves, as some people say. In my opinion, if someone has a chronic problem that could be fixed by them choosing to just be a better person, then the answer is obviously to just be a better person.

[Asker]

The thing is I've never been told i’m a bad person. I’ve always been told the opposite it’s always purely the way I act or what I say not my morals or how I treat people. Almost all women like me it’s only men. I don’t want
to think my personality is bad because it’s me and I’m happy.

Anything less excitable than me now would be constrained and miserable. I don’t know maybe i’m just not used to following norms and I need to suck it up. I get it’s most likely a me thing but it’s hard to find out everything about you is somehow wrong and you must fundamentally change into something you can’t imagine to be lovable.

[LazerBean]

The brutal truth is that most women do not have enough of a spine to not be two faced with another woman that they dislike. I've known several girls who are just like you described yourself. Males openly dislike them, but they are fairly popular with the girls. And do you know what happens when that girl isn't around? The other girls show their true colors and everyone of both gender talks about about that one girl behind her back. So don't assume that nobody telling you that they think you're a bad person actually means that nobody thinks you're a bad person.

[Asker]

I don’t know how I’d be a bad person for making a few rough jokes and just wanting to be happy. I’m not super popular but I have consistently had close knit circles of women i care about. Maybe the women you speak to aren’t kind but, I don’t make friends with gossips. I don’t know want “bad” traits you see in me. I understand change and being more approachable and receptive to men I guess but I don’t see how the way I am makes me a bad person.

Honestly guys at 18 can just be really fucking mean, maybe that not your experience but you have to get how terrible of feels to be disliked by an entire gender your attracted to aside from a very select few or an ex and then be told its not because you can polish up on social skills but because you are a bad person as a whole…

[LazerBean]

You wouldn't be a bad person just for making some dark jokes and wanting to be happy. That's definitely not why 50+% people dislike you. Bad people rarely are able to recognize the things they do that make them bad

[Staximus]

Just be yourself, but don't be an exaggerated version of yourself (if that makes any sense). If they don't like it, they can take a hike

[Anonymous]

Nah. Be yourself. Choose you 💛