Was I wrong to cancel my trip to visit him?

[Anonymous]

I (30F) met this guy (34M) on Raya a little over a month ago. We quickly hit it off and bonded (virtually, he lives in Indianapolis and I live in Atlanta). We spoke throughout every day and ended everyday on FT watching a show or a movie. We made a bunch of plans- first he’s coming to visit me; then I’m going to visit him; then we’re both going to LA after that. He even asked me to go to Nashville with him and his parents this week. Last week, he came to visit me and for the most part we had a great time. I just felt that he was inconsiderate because we only went were he wanted to go, which involved hanging out with his friends. I also didn’t like that he took me with him to pick up weed from his friend’s house and that he smoked all weekend. I brought up him being inconsiderate and he disagreed. We had a bit of an argument about it but talked it out. Now he’s back home and it feels off. We haven’t watched a movie together not once. He doesn’t text me in the morning and the texts in general have slowed. I asked him if we were still on for our plans and he said yes he’s excited, so I booked my flight for next week to go visit him. Communication continued to dwindle over a couple of days. Yesterday, he told me he was getting ready to head to Nashville (where he invited me but never brought up again) and I told him I hope he has fun. He left my message on read with no response. I told him that I didn’t like that things were different and I should cancel my trip. He said he doesn’t see how things are different. And I think I was a little cold to him yesterday because I said “well if you don’t get it then there’s nothing else to say.” He didn’t respond. I really did want to visit him. He posted a bunch of photos from his Atlanta trip… nothing but his friends and food. No sign of my existence.

what should I do?

Updates

2 d

I ended up coming to visit him and it also didn't go too well. I feel like I'm just taking up space. No romance, no consideration. Nothing.

[SallyTho87]

I think, unfortunately, you have had this ideology of him and whom he is in your mind, that YOU created based off of knowing his solely online, and meeting him in person and spending time with him in person has introduced you to who he TRULY is.
He probably introduced you to his friends as he most likely boasted to them about you visiting, sharing photos with his pals, and since they are his buddies, he was probably really looking forward to introducing you.

As for the weed thing, I can understand why you feel the ways you do and it's certainly off-putting when YOU don't get a say in what you would even like to do while you have the time together.
Unfortunately, I do not know if he is the right person you're seeking, as you have admitted multiple issues you have with him, and it's changed the entire dynamic of the relationship over those MINIMAL things. If you two can talk, communicate together to get past this rough patch, then do so and continue putting the effort into the relationship IF you feel like it is worth your time.

Do you want him to remain in your life, knowing him a bit more now that you have met him personally? Do you feel confident he could be a potential long term partner if you're seeing long term? Is he someone you would be happy introducing to your family/ friends? Do you see you BOTH committing effort to heal / recover from the argument that happened?

You need to give yourself some space and really think why you are so invested in this person. Since you felt NOT attending the trip was best, you should really open communication to him and explain why you felt that way. He might not know at all how you're feeling - as he even said he "doesn't see how things are different" and you really did not elaborate or give him an opportunity to understand, or to talk it out.

Contact him, speak with him openly, and be honest how YOU are feeling, and how the trip / he made you feel. I hope you two can work it out and reconnect again.

[bobalife]

It’s hard when a girl develop deep feelings for a guy because she will try to excuse all the things she actually isn’t okay with (as they’re red flags or incompatibility) because of what she thought who he is and how the beginning is - I think your gut feeling is telling you that he isn’t for you, but you’re holding onto what you had before the trip and what you wished you guys could’ve been…. It’s okay to be sad and disappointed, but don’t let your feelings blind you from what’s truly happening…


It sucks because communication is essential to make any good foundation of a relationship work, but I don’t really see much effort from both ends to make it work… I don’t think you’re both happy & both are not feeling respected in your own ways.


And no, I don’t think it’s wrong you cancelled your trip since he’s no longer making you happy, communicative, and putting much effort. Always, actions > words. It’s up to you if you do wanna communicate and resolved problems with him though. But personally, I’d moved on… walking on eggshells & dating someone who only cares about what they do w/o considering the other person is one of the worst feelings.

[bobalife]

Update: I don't know the details but I’m so sorry, you shoot your shot and you tried: maybe it’s communication differences or he’s just not it sis. Thank you, next.

[Anonymous]

Cancel. If I was him I’d take you to some of the most exciting places in my town/city. It would just be us. I’d plan a nice dinner. Have some fun. Find someone else.

[sheikalana]

Well, well, so much to unpack here. It's only been a month and so much has happened. I think you got attached too quickly and expect too much from him. You guys just know each other for one month, he's not your boyfriend but seems like you expect him to behave like you both are in a committed relationship when you're not. Then you change your mind because he doesn't act the way you expect him to. Overall I see this whole situation as a red flag and from what you wrote I don't see this going anywhere.

[DizzyDesii]

Taking me on a drug deal ride is a dealbreaker to me. I guess its not for you since “everyone smokes” now but if you still are interested in him, tell him. If not, just stop responding or send one word texts. He’ll get it. he's already doing it to you

[Anonymous]

Meeting in person was the biggest test of your compatibility, and maybe it just isn’t there. In a way, I think you’re brushing off red flags in order to stay with him, and maybe that isn’t the best choice on your behalf. Take some time to really think about this connection, and if this is actually a good person to be with considering how dismissive and carelessly he seems to handle your feelings.

[Opinion Owner]

Why update the question? You didn’t even respond to anyone and we all gave considerate responses. You’re full of shit the outing is going exactly as you deserve it to — bad!

[Opinion Owner]

And we all basically told you not to go or that it wouldn’t work out with him but you ignored us all, didn’t listen and now look! Lol dummy.

[laly520]

I think u guys aren't compatible n it showed as soon as u two had met irl