Why do guys discuss sex on the first date?

Question

CrazyGirl2 · Accepted Answer

Not ALL guys do! The overwhelming amount of guys are amazing! They're polite, sweet, kind, and are there to get to know me. I can’t even remember the last guy who even brought up sex on a 1st date, 2nd date, 3rd dat or even a 4th date! Now some guys by the 4th date can really get pretty handsy, but I’m the one who brings up sex then when I tell them that I only have sex with guys with whom I’m in a committed relationship!

The only guy I remember for sure bringing up sex on a 1st date, was one of the very first guys I dated when I got to college. (now this is important, I was only 16 when I started college) This guy expected that I would let him into my dorm room to (in his words) “fvck”! When I told him absolutely not, I only have sex with guys I’m in long-term committed relationship, and who I completely trust. He replied “Do you have any idea how much money I spent on you tonight?” I was so furious! I told him "I don’t care, neither I nor my vagina are for sale, or even for rent, as long as you spend enough money on me! You asshole!” I then said, “Yes! $50 fucking dollars… FIFTY! All night I had to sit there and listen to how much money you have, NOW all of a sudden, how much you spend on dinner is a MAJOR deal, and I had a $20 salad, and two $5 cokes, and I believe the rock climbing was $20? So yes $50 FUCKING DOLLARS! THAT is how much you “spent on me tonight"! I immediately Venmo’d him $200 (which was 4 times the cost of my $20 salad and two $5 cokes. Plus the $20 for the rock climbing)! I told him since he's clearly and obviously broke, I’ll take care of both of us, and give him some extra money to "help you get by". I also told him if he ever calls me again, I will not only report what he just did to administration as it’s a violation of the schools ethics code, But ASO, as it’s illegal to solicit sex from a minor! After that, whenever I went on a date, I drove myself there, and paid for ALL my own food, drinks, and entertainment! (Oh, and I still got shit from two guys (that I can remember) for making them feel emasculated!) 🤦‍♀️ 🙄

All that aside. With very few exceptions, almost every guy I dated was a perfect gentleman. Yes some of them got a little handsy, but that’s just guys, and I’ve been through so much worse, it’s honestly not a big deal. I just move their hand and tell them “No, it’s a bit too soon for that” It’s all just part of dating, and I never blamed them one bit. But again, the vast majority of men are not like that. Not in my experience anyway! If you say yes to a date with the kind of guys who are like that, then expect that kind of behavior!

I hope this helps.
Sincerely, Laura.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I'm a curious person, so might just be he wants to know if you are a virgin or not. Then he knows whether or not to wait for you to make the first move or if it's fine if he asks you. This is giving him the benefit of the doubt. I'm a curious person, so even though I'm not ready to have sex yet with my guy I still asked him if he had been another girls, to gauge and see where he was and if he was experienced. Plus I have pretty high anxiety about that kinda stuff.😅 He told me he dated one other, but only for a month she was a bad choice very annoying and immature and that he hasn't "been" with any women (♂️➡️♀️). Gave me relief not feeling pressure to live up to expectations and to move at my speed with being intimate. He said he'd wait, not that he ever did pressure me hint or ask or imply me to hurry up and jump in bed with him. Just knowing we are both "inexperienced" was a weight off my shoulders. I had known he had a girlfriend before, just didn't know if they did the deed though, especially this day in age when average age of losing v-💳 is 16-18 and he's 23 & I'm 26.😅

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

Both men and women have usually experienced people who are not on the same page as they are, whether it's a guy who just wants casual sex or a girl who just wants free meals and entertainment. It's become so common that people don't trust each other by default anymore, and it's hard to blame them. But no one wants to do any vetting either - pre-first-date or otherwise. They are both unwilling to do the work and unwilling to eliminate the other person because they are attracted to them, so they prefer to ignore their red flags at first. It's a mess.

This is exactly why "courting" and approvals by both families used to be a common thing - most people are terrible at selecting partners for themselves because they are too driven by their emotions and desires to make sensible choices - and THAT is why so many people are messed up and why dating as a whole is largely a disaster.

The ONLY way anyone is going to have better experiences is to vet potential partners at a baseline level before even going on a date, and then using those early dates to continue the vetting process. You not only need to know what each other's morals, values, and life goals are, but you also need to set boundaries and expectations early on - or walk away if you discover that they aren't compatible. But no one wants to do that, because it's work, and because they already know that the people they are most attracted to won't pass their vetting process, and they are simply unwilling to eliminate such attractive people so early.

Most people are their own worst enemy, but most of society ENCOURAGES behavior that is bad for you, because it makes them feel better about their own bad behavior.

GoodManDave · Accepted Answer

We do?

I didn’t think that was a thing except for people looking for one night stands or hiring prostitutes or something.

I don’t think I have ever talked about it even within a few months of dating. I don’t think a lot of my guy friends have. But then I know a lot of “Christian” guys, though a select few of them get a bit pervy (and come on way too heavy (and in my opinion, kinda desperate)). But even that was sometimes after a bit too much beer. My non Christian friends? Yeah, I’d say most do (or have in the past (just a guess), but I wonder if that isn’t all just talk. “Christian” women - oh, a lot of them have hooked up by date 2, and they’ll get into details at lunch right after church.

Then again, my results would probably skew a bit differently because of trying to practice and keep the faith.

DishLady · Answer

They don't all do that. This guy you're with is a creep if that's what he did. FLIRTING is ok, but sitting there talking about sex... nah.

Finchie40 · Answer

Because sex is important to most of us men , we don’t want to be with a girl that thinks sex isn’t that important or exciting that barely wants to have it , So we tend to talk about sex with her to see where she stands with it

coachTanthony · Answer

Because you are either a girl who smashes or makes a guy wait. Guys want to see which one you are.

AviatorTom · Answer

Some guys do, because they are looking for, and expecting sex. That's something I always waited at least a few dates to bring up.

Adam_INTJ · Answer

1. Men and women are different. Men have higher sex drives. Men's biology frives them to chase sex. Women's psychology drives them to chase love. Your desire for social connection and affirmation from others probably holds a similar place in your mind as sex does for most men.

2. Decline of Christianity. Men used to have a good reason to strive for Godly living over biological urges. As people have turned away from Church, though, they're given weak reasons to pursue riteous living over impulsive pleasure-seeking.

3. Cost-reward. Remember, men are driven to seek sex. That's a huge positive for them. You need to also recognize that dates have major cost. Not just the date itself, but also spending the time to try to find a girl who will go on a date. It's a stressful endeavor to ask out a girl you like, and even more demanding to put yourself in communities where where there are girls who you like, and who who are likely to say yes to a date. (Dating apps don't count. As a guy you're more likely to be struck by lightning than to get a date from an app).

So the question is, why would a guy go through all thst stress, cost, and effort? Alternative incentives to sex are few and far between. The only guys who are motivated to find and plan a date are motivated by *something*, so since sex is highly motivating to guys, a disproportionate number of male daters will be seeking sex.

I personally don't chase sex, but that's because I'm a Christian.

My recommendation to you is that you find Jesus first, find a Church next, and find a husband third.

provokeesmokee · Answer

Why don't you?

I discuss several big topics on first dates:

Queer rights (and my sexuality and gender identity)
Polyamory (I'm poly and date poly)
Childfree (they don't need to be but that means we won't have kids together - see poly)
Anti-capitalism (if you ain't, we ain't dating)
Anti-fascist
Pets
Politics

I'm not about to waste time entertaining someone who doesn't align with me on these.

I have many folks who do align, and who are interested and interesting.

Allowing both them and myself to filter out ill fitting matches saves everyone time.

Bongem · Answer

Because, when you get more experienced in relationships, the sexual part of it becomes important and sometimes a blocking issue. It happens that you vibe emotionally but when sex comes into the picture, it goes bad. Sex is some kind of affirmation that everything is great. So when you've had these bad experiences, you want to know certain things of your possible future partner that already takes away these insecurities.

In all honesty, I have to admit, some guys just want to have sex and are trying to know if you are open for it from day one.

But to know which one you are talking to... you'll have to keep talking and find out what he wants.

mrmonogamous · Answer

The last first date I had was over 38 years ago. I drive the girls who would become my wife and mother of my children to a restaurant that was 90 minutes away, so we had plenty of time to talk. The closest we came to talking about sex was how many children we thought we would want. We agreed that four was best. We were married about 2 years later. Seven years later we had our firstborn, then 14 months after that she gave birth to twins (they run on her side of the family). We didn’t want to risk another set of twins so we quit at three.

Anyway, sex was nothing I ever looked for until I was in a dedicated relationship. My wife was my 5th dedicated relationship. I’d hate to be young and single in the messed up world we live in today.

osmanthus · Answer

Could be a number of reasons some men might interpret that a woman talking very freely about sex might mean that she's very loose about sex and that she could be a skank or a s*** even possibly a whore or prostitute that they could actually ask about services. It usually doesn't form into a formal commitment, especially if it's the first date, so when such cases when men discuss sex on the first date it usually means that they don't have commitment on their mind. I personally might interpret this is the man not really having anything serious in mind so I may usually overlook the man for any commitment unless the man explicitly states later on that he would want to commitment.

WindAtMyBack · Answer

I don't know the percentage of guys who discuss sex on the first date. It's certainly a minority though.

I suppose the short answer to your question is because a lot of people DO have sex on the first date. A common question on this site is about the number of dates before having sex. You might be surprised how many woman say they will have sex on the first date with the right guy. Most won't, but there are quite a few who will.

The point is that SOME people have sex on the first date. But that can never happen if nobody brings it up.

KBird · Answer

There’s a few reasons. He may think that this could be something more casual, and wants to see if you’re on the same page. Sex might be really important to him in a relationship (but shouldn't necessarily bring it up on a first date). Maybe he has some kinks that were a turn off to his previous partner, and wants to prevent that from happening again…. either way bringing it up shows how important it is to him especially in relation to you.

HawkPerception · Answer

I would say sex is always a topic of interest in men and it should be discussed at some point. Sometimes it can even be on a first date depending on the flow of conversation, but it's not typically brought up so quickly.

My guess is that he lacks social tact and can't read the room or the main thing on his mind is sex.

strangeatcircleK · Answer

I don't and oddly enough, some women do.

Sex is that one thing you can't experience by yourself

It's something people look forward to.

Now that being said. Sex I believe is special. I personally believe it's not given away, it's earned

Trust and commitment, for me, needs to be there

I think it's too personal for just a one night stand but not every one thinks that way

And if I can, waiting until I know we want to have children. It's a bit extreme, I know, but birth control is not 100 percent effective.

But that's not for everyone

Sharkstealth · Answer

A guy once told me that a guy should always masturbate right before a date with a girl. This is why dating was easier in the past. A guy could easily get a prostitute the day before a date. This is age old wisdom because the best way to get a girl is to have recently had sex with another. Many marriages and long term relationships as told to me by seniors began with a prostitute before going on a date with a girl they like. Now most things are just a free for all mess. Everybody cheats on everybody else. People use each other constantly or you have acts mimicked from porno stars.

Purpleronnie · Answer

Personally I have NEVER discussed sex on a first date , this is of course discounting one night stands as sex is the point !

I would also never dream of bringing up the subject of sex on the first date. Sounds like something a young dumb immature guy would do and not a MAN !

mobiusforniner · Answer

Someone discussing sex on the first date is a major put off. It shows they have a narrow minded perspective towards their goals; you’re not a person to them. You’re an object to fill some kind of pleasurable satisfaction. If that’s what you want, then great. But I imagine you don’t, in which case this is a man not worth your time.

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TonyV · Answer

Well cause they don't know any better, and they've listened to one of the girls that's says "be honest, if you just want sex be upfront about it" cause again they don't know any better yet and haven't realized that's passive aggressive fake advice.

So yeah that's my take, he's a guy who hasent dated much and has asked the wrong women in his live for advice.

Flatmanlewis · Answer

To answer this I think the easiest way is to simply reword the question with the appropriate terminology.

Why do immature and self-focused men discuss sex on the first date?

OR…

Why is it self-actualized guys and gentlemen never bring up sex on a first date?

The answer is in the question.

sean1234 · Answer

With me it was the other way around, that being said, we never even went on the 1st date because of it. She called me CRAZY for me wanting to do the silly thing of waiting until marriage. Heaven forbid! Why oh why? ! Where are the normal women... WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE?

MikeTheBartender · Answer

I have a pretty high libido and am a bit on the kinkier side... So I try to bring sex up lightly... Usually they ask about serious relationships and I tell them about an ex I lived w where we only had sex once a month. That's really all I say, I don't mention anything about crazy things crazy things I'm into, but just watching their reaction to that is a good Gateway peak into what seX life could be.

OfMiceandMen · Answer

Typically, guys who want a relationship don't go around discussing sex on the first date. That's way down the road. If he's discussing it on the first date, then he either hasn't had any for awhile and/or he's forgotten the etiquette.

genericname85 · Answer

cause why not? the logic here is: it's easier to figure out of someone is sexually compatible. it's way more hard to find out if someone is emotionally compatible so why not knock the easy one out first before investing all that time to get the second one?

Daniela1982 · Answer

If they do they are probably only dating you for sex. Then you will never hear from them again.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

He is revealing his agenda.

Twalli · Answer

I discussed it on the second. It wasn't about us having sex immediately, it was whether or not she wanted to wait for marriage and how we would announce when we would be ready to have it, as well as the maximum time we would wait. So it depends on how they discuss it.

clampfan101 · Answer

I would not. I would be curious of her interests and beliefs.

I dated my childhood sweetheart twice before she passed away, and it was nothing beyond catching up, talking about the marriage we already knew we wanted, having casual fun, and cuddling. Sex with her never even came to mind. Just how much I wanted to stay by her side and one day start a family with her. (Unfortunately she was just too pure for this wretched world…)

mattthefatbat · Answer

Because it's bound to happen eventually lol. Plus it shows curiosity in doing something together you both might enjoy, but he can only find out if you are okay with it or might not enjoy it by asking first, yknow consent

SugarSugarplum · Answer

Maybe because they see it more as the opening of a friendship, and less as the grueling job interview it really is ;)

CindyRuns · Answer

Who knows, but, if it was me, he wouldn't be getting lucky... and there wouldn't be a 2nd date

rebeliouse · Answer

What exactly is wrong with discussing sex on the first date? It seems sad that so many people answer this question with answers that demonize any body for discussing this on first date.

Surly going on a date is all about getting to know someone their opinions values interests so why can't anything be discussed and why shouldn't anything be on the table?

TheFirstMan · Answer

Hi, can I ask some unrelated topic but quite in same scope.

1. How big is a vagina hole in diameter normally?

2. How to measure it correctly?

3. How deep should I thrust till I reach cervix?

4. How many type of vagina?

5. How to know either the vagina have been through the birth process or not?

Xoirwinkan · Answer

In general I think girls get more flustered or 'stuck' mentally on such topics, for example I was playing a board game with an attractive older woman, and due to the game being in English there was a word in the game that sounded like our word for 'cock'. She soon admitted she was distracted by the word and we guys thought it was funny. And she wasn't even some virgin teen girl. All that is to say, if guys do that they are trying to mentally prepare you to have sex.

Bricealan · Answer

I don't know about you and your first date partners, but at 30-35, I had sex on a first date, not just talking about it, and more so in my 20's. That said, I'm not certain if what describe is so unusual

Minky17 · Answer

They don't if you dress in a modest dress and don't give them the chance to. Change the subject if it bothers you or leave. I don't know why people stay tolerating strangers disrespecting them.

Kaneki05 · Answer

Wouldn't you want to know if I am sub or dom at least? That's probably a important thing to mention as one answer could not be for another.

Aubrey97 · Answer

He's probably not looking for anything meaningful then. I wouldn't bother with another date with that one unless you so happen to just want sex too.

Anonymous · Answer

Probably because men have more testosterone, a higher sex drive and are therefore thinking about sex more than women.

Also, because of that, they have a harder time finding a sexual partner than a woman who can find a man to have sex with any time of any day no matter how she looks.

Men have to get it where they can or they will be constantly distracted by sexual thoughts. They are desperate. And women, they don't have that same kind of sex drive, do not understand it.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

Most likely he isn't serious about dating, just looking for sex.

blueonblack22 · Answer

Most of the time that’s a bad idea. The only time a guy can get away with it is if he’s extremely funny and/or the woman herself just wants a hook up.

Shark_61695 · Answer

To make sure you are both on the same page. If I don't want sex for a couple of months and you are only looking for a few nights of fun then there is no point in continuing.

CoeurDevainqueur · Answer

Men are into practical sensations, pragmatism, visuals while women are more into auditive sensations, more cerebrals… it’s because we are made (work) that way.
It’s like wondering why you women all love shoes 👠? It’s stupid! But that’s the way it is.🤷🏻‍♂️

Billlewis · Answer

Most of the time, there isn't going to be a second date, so you might as well talk about whatever you want.

on_my_knees · Answer

If there's an initial attraction, then it's the elephant in the room.

Abbycado · Answer

Oh, I don’t know…. could it be he wants sex? 🙄

oldawg · Answer

I think that it is the types of guys who you are dating. Maybe I'm just to old school but none of the guys who I know would never do this unless the girl brought it up first

luvstoned4him · Answer

Not all but ones who do , well then you know what they are really after? thank God for showing you the true colors and move on

Indio1375 · Answer

I'm not sure if we all do. Although I might be thinking it I wouldn't disrespect her or whatever partner It Is by doing so

Jbear27 · Answer

Depends on the chemistry and the discussion. Is it an informative discussion or a flirtatious one? Explorative? Vulgar?

HelpfulWoman · Answer

beginning to know sexual appetites and whether you'll mess in that way is important for some. May as well get it out the way

Ms_Facesitter · Answer

He has sex on his mind, not a relationship, would be my guess.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Because they're so stupid that they can't even realize that sex talk will make sure they dont get a second?

bolverk · Answer

If the guys you date discuss sex on the first date, then you may want to consider who you are dating, and where you are looking for dates.

Darkchild25 · Answer

I think you're labelling all men as the same and we are not. I certainly don't do that, and some women find it strange that i prefer not to talk about it initially.

standardguy · Answer

Because they have special needs in bed and they want to check out if the girl is open to it. At least if there is a chance that she gives in a bit. If not so the time being with this girl is wasted from his view.

Anonymous · Answer

Most guys only want sex and not much else and this is a human comment, not AI generated spam like another one here.

WhitneySnow · Answer

No clue. I guess they’re really horny and not afraid to show it?

Amandanator · Answer

Why do you think guys like going on dates? What is their goal? To have a nice conversation? Lol

Tim2nice · Answer

Because not everyone one wants to date forever without knowing when they’ll likely have sex if at all

Peridot25 · Answer

To make sure you’re not a virgin. Guys HATE virgins.

Why do guys discuss sex on the first date?

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Why do guys discuss sex on the first date?

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