When it comes to dating: Why do guys want sex before getting to know the girl first?

[Anonymous]

[WhiteSteve]

Probably not one definitive answer. Some guys might get the easy answer of “they’re just out hounddoggin’.” I think there’s a sexual compatibility aspect to consider too.

Not everyone is a match in the sack, and we’re kidding ourselves if we think it’s not important. I don’t want to emotionally invest for too long just to find out this gal only has sex with the lights off, or if she wants to put me in nipple clamps and pour hot candle wax on me. Neither of those scenarios are going to work for me, and it’s best we know that early on. Doesn’t have to be the first day, or even the first week, but at some point in the somewhat early going, you have to see if you connect on that level or not. I’d be devastated to fall in love with someone just to later learn that we’re sexually incompatible. Much easier to shake off good sexual chemistry but you just don’t click emotionally.

No disrespect to anyone, but from where I’m standing, when I hear these people who don’t sleep with one another until their wedding night…. I mean, what a dice roll. “Now that I’ve made a firm commitment, let’s see if the next 40 years of my life are going to be characterized by crippling sexual frustration”, lmao.

That said, I don’t think that’s the norm in this day and age, we’re more sexually liberated, so there are probably a lot of people having sex fairly early into dating. People might be getting accustomed to this, and once you’ve been through it a few times, the alternative could seem like an unnecessary chore and, frankly, no longer customary, whether that’s good or bad in one’s own opinion.

Also tough to paint this in any kind of broad stroke, but I feel like in many cases it’s fair to say that “men are primarily seeking a sexual partner who they can also enjoy a relationship with; women are primarily seeking a relationship partner who they can also enjoy sex with.”

Any girl I ever dated, including my beloved lady of 16 years, started out as “some chick I’m tryna smash.” And I’m a respectful guy, I don’t mean that in the uncouth way it sounds, and no lying or manipulation would ever be involved. I was on the up-and-up, but the mood was just “hook up and see where it goes from there.” I never came into it like “I’m gonna fuck this chick and never call her again.” It was just “This chick is hot and she seems pretty cool, let’s see what happens.” Pat Benatar style, “No promises, no demands”, haha.

How this is all perceived by a relationship-orientated gal, I can’t say, I can only make educated guesses. I’d also need a little more clarity on what you consider to be “getting to know” someone. I mean, if dudes are showing up to the door and are like “so the bedroom’s this way, orrrrr…?”, that’s a red flag for sure. I’ve been mostly out of the game since the 2000s, so I don’t know how everything works with all the dating apps, and how that’s affected dating. In my day 👨‍🦳, you met people in real life first, so there was no texting ahead of time and then arranging to meet. I’ve certainly had my one-nighters, but that was if I met someone at a party or bar. Anyone else, it would just be someone I worked with or knew through a friend. We’d interact a few times, and then after a while find yourself in a position to hook up (usually at a party or a bar, haha) and it would just happen. If you’re talking about a planned dating situation and they show up on the first date, want to skip dinner, and get right to it…. then I feel fine calling that out as hound dog behavior.

[WhiteSteve]

*relationship-oriented

[Datboi65]

That's not true in the slightest. You said when it comes to DATING, keyword is "dating". Hook ups are not dating. If a guy wants to hook up with you early on, he has already categorized you into non-wifey material.

Think about it like this. Animals are smart, they know not to shit where they eat, and so are men. If he goes for the hook up (the shit) that means that he's not trying to eat (the relationship). The reason for it is because it's 2 scenarios, and neither of them are good for you case. Either a) you let him smash and his objective is complete + he thinks you let other guys smash early on so he either leaves you or wants to hook up again or b) you don't let him smash but continue to see him until he eventually gets bored and leaves.

If a man is serious, he's not asking for a hook up. Instead, he will try to go on a walk/ice cream without spending a lot of money on a date just to see where your head is at and whether you will be a good fit for him or not. He will be asking you some questions about your life about the good, the bad and the ugly. He will try to vet you and look for green flags and red flags before eventually committing. A big mistake women do is when they don't like the question "what do you bring to the table?" When it's just a basic question that you get asked at joh interviews. A guy that just wants to hit it and quit it will not ask you that question, rather try wine and dine you so he can get in your pants.

If you notice yourself hating the vetting stage that guys put you through when they are serious, while also complaining about why some guys only wanna hook up with you, then you might be lacking in self-awareness. Remember that nothing good in life comes of easy, and yes you also have to put in work to get a man to invest in you by making sure that you are honest rather than getting offended over standard questions in the vetting stage (very common for modern women).

If you still want to debate with me about the talking stage and vetting/ getting offended about the "what do you bring to the table?" question, then I guess hook ups are probably all you are looking for after all. If not, then I hope I pointed you towards the right direction.

[CubsterShura]

Most guys who want sex early on are honestly not interested in a relationship and just want to get what they want and then leave. I am personally at a stage of life where I myself prefer to have sex early on if I'm dating a guy and here's why.

I'm studying in a college abroad far from home and every guy I've dated so far has been in my position, international students from different countries. Most of these people won't be around after graduation, everyone and their dog will be moving to other places for their career or further education. Heck, people can decide to move/transfer to another college in the middle of their degrees. It is commonplace at this stage of life to break up because of one or both people in a relationship moving away, realizing that you have different life goals and career aspirations that don't align, and especially with a lot of relationships being between different nationalities/cultures there is a high chance of things never getting to marriage.

So while I don't date with the mindset of discarding a guy eventually and even in my relationship now I'd be very happy if we can continue being together long-term, I still understand the potential of a partner's place in my life being temporary so I want to be with someone whose company I enjoy in the present. I don't want to be in a situation where things are not ideal right now and I'm waiting for things to get better over the years. And sex is just one of those things where I'd rather know early if we're compatible because I don't want to waste my time building up the chemistry the way I would with someone if I was more sure of us being long-term. I don't want to take a long time dating and catching feelings only to find out that we aren't compatible in bed.

[Dhi99]

Was she flirting with me?

She is sweet person and also she looks beautiful. However, I didn't try to pursue her because I am so busy with my work.
Anyway day before yesterday, while talking about work, I felt like she was being extra freindly.

Next day, I had to print something and the printer was not working. So I asked her to help me. She told me to send it to the general email and then said “or you can send it to my email” (her office email).
Until that point, I didn't know her office email because I didn't even know her name. She gave me her office email, I emailed it to her and she printed it for me.

So
Day before yesterday: I felt she was freindly and I was wondering whether she was flirting or it is just because she is sweet.
Yesterday: I am pretty sure she had access to the general email. She even at first said to send it to the general email. But she gave me her office email. Did she not have access to the general email or did she just want to give me her name?

[Adaeva]

If the girl is attractive enough, automatically the guy will want to have sex with her. 100 percent of men that are not gay, if they see this girl or any comparable looking girl, will automatically want to have sex with her.

That does not in any way imply that they will approach her or even indicate to her that they noticed her. Very often I catch somewhat older men looking at me and, when I catch them, they quickly look away. I have no doubt that they would want to have sex with me if they thought I was legal and maybe even if they didn't. However, fortunately, they never approach me.

[Dhi99]

Was she flirting with me?

She is sweet person and also she looks beautiful. However, I didn't try to pursue her because I am so busy with my work.
Anyway day before yesterday, while talking about work, I felt like she was being extra freindly.

Next day, I had to print something and the printer was not working. So I asked her to help me. She told me to send it to the general email and then said “or you can send it to my email” (her office email).
Until that point, I didn't know her office email because I didn't even know her name. She gave me her office email, I emailed it to her and she printed it for me.

So
Day before yesterday: I felt she was freindly and I was wondering whether she was flirting or it is just because she is sweet.
Yesterday: I am pretty sure she had access to the general email. She even at first said to send it to the general email. But she gave me her office email. Did she not have access to the general email or did she just want to give me her name?

[Adaeva]

@Dhi99 Obviously, she was interested. Attractive girls NEVER give any attention to a guy near her age that she is not interested in. Short of grabbing and kissing you, what else could she have done? What is a girl to do when there are so many guys as dense as you? After all, she was practically throwing herself at you. However, if you don't strike while the iron is hot and that may not be much longer than a day, don't be surprised if she is no longer as friendly.

[OlderAndWiser]

NOT for the reasons that many girls usually assume.

Men, Women, and Sex: We Both Want It...But Not Necessarily at the Same Time!

[WiccanLady2023]

@OlderAndWiser - your linked post applies ONLY when a man is interested in a relationship. Far too many men nowadays use & abuse women for cheap sex. Yes some women are too looking for cheap sex, flings, etc. but younger more naive girls are not and they are abused by such men which ruins their self esteem / respect and so they continually look for "love" among users & abusers.

[OlderAndWiser]

@WiccanLady2023 I think the linked post was reasonably clear that it applied ony to people who were serious about their relationships.

[AviatorTom]

We guys always desire sex, it's what our bodies are made for, and what our biological instincts tell us.

That doesn't mean we want to actually have sex before getting to know the girl. That's where the human psyche comes in.

[Chevy1_kb]

a fun love sex a would do it day after day so we desire sex but they should get know you first before diving in

[Anonymous]

It’s easy to mark up guys as sex driven dogs (even sexaholics) who care about one thing and one thing only. We are more visual and impulsive. But believe it or not this behavior is not always the case.

Once upon a time in my younger and naive days I really went slow with women. Very chivalrous. Yeah the urge was there but I actually really wanted to get to know them. I also wanted sex to happen when she felt it was time and she was ready. I did what women “say” they want.

Well guess what happened to me with this “nice guy” behavior? I got friendzoned every single time it happened. Every f’ing time. And most of these women didn’t tell me they were no longer interested. No. They instead played dumb because they didn’t want the attention going away.

So in my late 20s and onwards i started having sex at my first (consensual of course) opportunity. Sometimes I didn’t even really want to do it. But I felt like I had to or risked being exploited and treated like shit again (friéndzone). I had sex within three dated with all three of my last long term gfs. Deep down I didn’t want to do it that way but I felt like if I didn’t then I risked what I mentioned above

I can’t speak for every guy out there. But for me it was more about showing the girl I was interested and about where I stood vs. just pure gratification. About showing the friéndzone would never be an option.

[MikeTheBartender]

Amén

[Anonymous]

I understand why you might be wondering why some guys want sex before getting to know a girl first. I've been there myself. It can be frustrating and confusing, especially when you're looking for a genuine connection with someone.

There are a few possible reasons why guys might want sex before getting to know a girl first. Some guys are simply looking for a physical connection. They may not be interested in getting to know someone on a deeper level, and they may just want to have sex.

Other guys may be insecure or have low self-esteem. They may feel like they need to have sex in order to feel validated or to prove their worth. They may also be afraid of rejection, so they try to have sex as quickly as possible in order to avoid getting to know the girl and potentially getting hurt.

Still other guys may have been taught that sex is the most important thing in a relationship. They may have grown up in a culture that emphasizes sex, and they may not realize that there are other things that are just as important, if not more important, in a relationship.

Whatever the reason, it's important to remember that not all guys are like this. There are plenty of guys who are interested in getting to know a girl first before having sex. If you're looking for a guy who wants to get to know you on a deeper level, don't be afraid to be upfront about your expectations. Let him know that you're not interested in just having sex, and that you want to build a real relationship.

[GreenLanternI0I]

In 2023 and beyond, The Most Important mission for most guys and for entire male Generation Alpha (2010-2024) and ESPECIALLY ALL male Generation Beta (2025-2039) will be to constantly and un-apologetically unload their load, using any means necessary. The rest, things like relationship and marriage would be a thing of the past and would mean not just nothing, but less than nothing. It will be considered as a Joke and weakness.

I'm not going to go into why, it is Super deep and extremely conspiratorial, even though we are witnessing and living in a a so called ""conspiracy"" that has been pushed, placed and enforced on us since 1966.

[Kaamraj]

Guys want sex from dating, if guys did not have sexual interest in women then they would not initiate, plan and pay for dates. Now majority of men realize that this sex is not going to come after the first date but the intention must be there that dating will eventually lead to a sexual-romantic relationship because the man is making the investment.

However, now there are some women who only go on dates for the food and attention with men who they dont really like while giving sex to men who really won't commit to them. This dichotomy has made most men reconsider their stance on dating and invest more wisely.

[Chevy1_kb]

basically using you cause they have no one else or until they find someone else he should go out on lunch night a good few times to get to know each other first instead of taking you to the house has get his hole thats basically a using thing thats what me and my ex did wrong to on the first night we met before getting nights out and knowing each other it for it up

[Anonymous]

Because dating has historically been the path to finding a good partner and getting married, but that is no longer the case today because marriage is no longer the prize for men. Most guys have no interest in marriage because it's a risky bad deal for them. But they will always want sex with women, because they're men. And thans to the sexual revolution, sex is easilly available outside of marriage now. It is the expectation that women have set over the last few decades, and men know if one woman won't put out, the next one probably will. Women know that too so they now feel pressure to put out. It's a viscious cycle.

[limaberg]

Well stats shows that even in 1950 a lot women married as a non virgin.

[limaberg]

🤷🤷

[Opinion Owner]

@limaberg The number is much, much higher today than it was back then.

[nastyb]

i would have to agree that this is true.

do not give sex to him before he makes you his girlfriend.

he will try to guilt trip you all he wants.

but you want to make sure that he is with you because he truly loves you...

there are way too many sexual predators who trick, lie, deceive women for sex.

[tzdc21]

Well that can actually backfire on you too. Because if you do that, and the guy does have serious intentions with you, he may be convinced that you're not attracted to him. Especially if he finds out that you've given it out to other guys way sooner than him.

[nastyb]

@tzdc21

I can just tell him : i dont want to have sex cuz i want you to make sure you're with me for the right reasons. If he actually likes you. He would be ok. If he's not into you , he would leave

[tzdc21]

You can SAY that, but one thing I've come to realize is to not listen to what people say. Watch what they do. It's not unheard if for girls to say that stuff that you're saying, but also have one night stands or give it out to other guys sooner, regardless if you're dating or not (And I'm not including r@pe because that's a completely different scenario,). And guys who see your actions, the more you act like that, the more they're gonna think you're not all that into them and/or lying to them with something along the lines that you just said, and the less likely he will actually make you his girlfriend.

[nastyb]

@tzdc21

what you're doing now is a form of manipulation... its not uncommon for guys to try to guilt trip women for not putting out. and guess what? I will dump you right away if you try to guilt trip me. Because decent men don't try to guilt trip women for sex. if he is trying to manipulate me right now... he will manipulate me after marriage.

[tzdc21]

I'm not manipulating at all. There's no guilt tripping whatsoever. It simple as this, guys feel insulted when you hold out on them but give it to other guys. You don't wanna have sex with me, that's fine I'll find someone else. Nobody's forcing you to feel a certain way. I'm just telling you how it is viewed from the other side.

[tzdc21]

And no sex is not all guys want but it's one of the most effective ways for a woman to show her love and admiration towards her man. It's not wrong for guys to want that from their SO.

[nastyb]

@tzdc21

If you actually showed her concerns any acknowledgement, you won't feel insulted.

its just that you do not care about how she feels... thats why you feel insulted.

[You don't wanna have sex with me, that's fine I'll find someone else.]

go ahead find someone else. Because it shows you were never into me in the first place. i can go ahead and search for a guy who actually likes me

[nastyb]

@tzdc21

[And no sex is not all guys want but it's one of the most effective ways for a woman to show her love and admiration towards her man. ]

sex has absolutely nothing to do with love and admiration. men have sex with prostitutes... it has nothing to do with love or admiration.

[tzdc21]

If I'm with a girl and let's say (hypothetically) that I was aware of her sexual history and how soon she gave it out to others, but she makes me wait twice as long, I'm dumping her. I'm not wasting my time guilt tripping or "manipulating" as you claim. I'm just cutting my losses and finding a woman who leaves little doubt in my mind that she wants me as much as I want her.

[nastyb]

@tzdc21

you're dumping her cuz you never liked her in the first place...

[tzdc21]

1) Uh... no im dumping her because I'm convinced that she doesn't like me back. I'm not wasting time with a girl who doesn't make it clear that she wants me too.

2) Yes sex does have a serious part in love and admiration for each other. But we live in a screwed up society that does that stuff for payments, but it's meant to show your SO that you live and admire them. Yeah I got morals too, sorry if that's awkward for you

3) Nobody said anything about not caring how she feels or not acknowledging her concerns. But you seem to be doing a good job not caring about HIS concerns and feelings.

[nastyb]

@tzdc21

quit trying to guilt trip... ok?

im not a naive inexperienced 18 yr old kid who has never dated...

i can see through you like glass...

[nastyb]

@tzdc21

[ But you seem to be doing a good job not caring about HIS concerns and feelings.]

your concern is nothing more than a selfish asshole who is trying to take advantage of a girl for sex. you have no interest in her. quit pretending and be out with it.

[tzdc21]

Then you must be looking through a dirty glass. Because I have said MANY times that I am not into guilt tripping. Im just telling you how guys perceive that, if you feel guilty about that well then that's on you to figure out. And now you're seriously going as low as name calling? Really? Let's be mature about this huh?

And about the whole advantage thing, let's get this clear alright... I get that there are guys out there that take advantage of a girl for sex, and I am not an advocate for that stuff at all, despite what you may think. And I get the concern that girls have about that. Understandable.

BUT, that does not make it justifiable to just dangle the intimacy in front of the man for multiple weeks, months, or even years, and be like "Oh you want sex? Okay then make me your girlfriend. Okay then do this for me." Because that is just as manipulative as a guy taking advantage of a girl for sex.

It's not just the girl's thoughts, feelings, and concerns that should be addressed you know, the guy's should be addressed just as much and just as hard as hers.

[tzdc21]

Because I know I don't wanna get taken advantage of for my time, money, resources by a girl who doesn't really like me all that much. You saying that doesn't matter in your eyes?

[inhua]

you can thank the sexual revolution for teaching boys that their value comes from their ability to garner female validation and there's no greater female validation than being allowed to put his seed into her womb

and teaching girls that men who don't get female validation are societal losers/defects who must have a serious problem within them if no girl wants to pass on his genes to the next generation

[User017]

That will depend on the person.
Whatever idea or experience that led you to ask that question was likely just a horny guy that didn’t care for a relationship.

Sometimes people will just want to have fun (essentially friends with benefits or a one night stand type of thing) and don’t want the baggage.

I’ve never done anything like that or even considered it and I know plenty of guys in the same boat as me. I am horny every day at least once so it’s not like I’m not horny, it’s a strong emotion and I understand why some guys go down that road.

[Paul_in_Indy]

Why do girls want to eat a banana split before they even meet with the owner of the ice cream parlor, his realtor, and his lawyer to discuss buying the shop?

If she just wants to enjoy the sundae, that other stuff seems like an unnecessary step.

[molonski2]

For the most part guys want to bed her as soon as humanly possible , unless you look at the situation and think " this ones going to be impossible to get rid of " " I'm buying into a big problem here " , walk away ( guy ) , that happens also , has happened numerous times to me in my life.

[genericname85]

because knowing if you'll work sexually is very quick and knowing if you work emotionally/personality wise takes a very long time. so it's just a matter of efficientcy. like rule out the thigns that are easiest to rule out first. cause if you rule out the harder, more time consuming things first and then end up failing at a very quick to find out thing, you wasted a lot of time that you could have avoided wasting.

[Anonymous]

Because apparently most guys nowadays think they should have sex with as many people as they can as a way to find the perfect sex life partner. They should be more concerned with sexual commitment, not sexual compatability. If anyone is worried about sexual compatability they could just ask what the other person is looking for and not looking for instead of having sex right away (if you're looking for a serious relationship) But the truth is, sexual compatibility is the by-product of a marriage or relationship built on deep love and genuine intimacy in and outside the bedroom. A marriage or a relationship can not last on sexual compatability or in the bedroom only.

[Opinion Owner]

Not just guys, but girls too!

[MikeTheBartender]

62 male opinions already so I'm probably going to Echo someone, for me personally it does not matter if we have 8 million things in common, if we are not on the same page sexually I am not going to fall in love with that woman. It is a curse, I know it, but until I know we have sexual compatibility I cannot move too far in a relationship.

[sheenagwapa]

because if they are attracted to the wiman they would eanna fuck her immediately women on the other hand especially those who are into love their emotions and sexual appetite ate intertwined. they don't fuck just because someone is handsome. it doesn't work like that.

[EmmaMary]

Because they're being led by their knobs... Simples!

[RingOfFire]

That's actually the right answer. Simple and to the point.

Did I say point? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Dinn3r]

Not every guy wants to have sex before getting to know the girl; but if we are strictly talking about guys who just want to have sex with you without getting to know you, than that could be for many reasons. Maybe because some guys are not interested in relationships.

[DextroShade]

Men want sex, news at 11! Seriously though you need to accept that as a woman it is on you to make him see you as more than a sex object because in these times that is all most women are good for. Guy game is about getting sex from a girl; girl game is about keeping the guy around after sex.