Trust issues & moving past them?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend got with me by cheating on her boyfriend (who she didn't tell me about when we first met & began seeing each other) & when she finally did, she told me she would leave him, but this turned into 6 months of will she / won't she (i probably should of walked away, but that was too hard based on the way i felt about her). It got to the point where I said if she didn't leave him, I would be gone.

She did & we are together now. But am struggling with trust & me feeling hurt & reacting to certain things is affecting the relationship which is really frustrating.

For example, it's been now 8 months together (just us) but last month she told me she was getting a parcel delivered to her mum's & she needed to go pick it up. The box for the parcel she brought round to my house & when putting it in the recycling I noticed it had her ex boyfriends address on it. So I asked her how her mum was when she picked up the parcel, she told me this story about getting parcel & her mum etc... so I brought up the fact it had her exs address on it. She then told me she lied because she didn't want me to get upset & it was a mistake.

Things like this have put me on edge & it's making me paranoid. Like when she gets WhatsApp messages. I wonder who it's from or I wonder where she actually is. When I bring things up she says she is struggling with me not trusting her. What can I do to stop feeling this way? Because me getting like this is pushing her away.

[_Maya_]

Sorry but you really can't. You know that she is a cheater. That is never going to change either. You will always know that she cheated on her previous boyfriend with you. It is no wonder you have trust issues. You know what she is capable of because you were a party to her being unfaithful. I don't think there is any way of turning that off to be honest with you. It is just a part of life now and you chose to number 1 help facilitate her cheating and number 2 decided to get into a relationship with a known cheater. If anything you would have been better off just being friends with benifits or something because now you will always have that doubt in the back of your head because you know full well she is very capable of being deceitful and lying to someone's face and for a long time... as she did with her now ex.

[Asker]

I really appreciate you taking the time to reply, it means a lot

[_Maya_]

You are most welcome and good luck to you. Hope you can figure out some way of getting past the trust issues.

[Billlewis]

We know what the argument against having a long term relationship with her is, and we know this guy is well aware of the potential liabilities involved, yet still, she up and left in plain sight to be with him. That's a heck of a gutsy move for anyone, and I wouldn't be surprised if they end up being together for a long time.

[DishLady]

Dating a cheater comes with this constant worry... and there's nothing you can do about it. Cheaters will cheat. Enablers get what they get.

[TommyMountainFigure]

You are right not to trust her, but your timing is lousy. The second you should have realised you couldn't trust her was when she cheated on her ex, with you!

But I guess you're equally to blame, so this one is on you as much as her!

I can't advise you other than if you want to keep what's left of your sanity.. get out now and put the whole sordid episode down to a poorly judged time in your life.. The longer this goes on, the worse it will be for you.. She clearly thinks no more of you than she did of her ex!

[TommyMountainFigure]

@Gronkowski90, I'm really sorry buddy, but I believe you are choosing to see the good in her, as all boyfriends want to believe. The problem is, I have known women like her before, they get off on cheating leaving behind the poor sucker who believes every little lie they are told because it fits their narrative. If you want definitive proof.. Tell her you don't believe her and watch her get all defensive on you as if it is YOUR fault that she's been caught out! She probably won't be able to maintain eye contact when she says it either!

[Asker]

You speak a lot of sense, it's not so simple as just getting out now, especially when feelings are involved. I do love her & I know she loves me too.

[TommyMountainFigure]

I won't keep on, but do yourself a favour and at least take the time to prepare for the worst. That way, if it happens it won't be such a crushing blow!

[Serkee]

Well, you already know firsthand that she's a cheater. What makes you think she wouldn't do it again? You're right, you should have walked away the moment you found out she was cheating on her boyfriend with you. You're setting yourself up for heartbreak by staying with her.

[Asker]

That's the pertinent question. I honestly don't know. She tells me that it's the only time she has done it & wishes I believed her.

[Serkee]

Of course she wishes you believed her, whether or not she's telling the truth. And it doesn't matter if that's the only time she's done it, she's already proven that it's a line she's willing to cross.

[Anonymous]

Why? You’re obviously ok with cheating and being with someone elses girlfriend so why would you be upset if the roles were reversed? You two deserve each other and yes, she’ll cheat on you too and you deserve it all.

[Billlewis]

Why is everyone trying to dog this guy? Like none of us have ever done something similar...

[Billlewis]

Plus, he even know she was in a relationship, because she kept it a secret until much later. These things happen, but it's not the end of the world, or a morality violation, much though we'd like to turn it into. I swear, we've regressed into the puritan, Victorian era -- well at least in terms of how men are judged. Pathetic...

[Nirmroth]

@Billlewis I dont think your argument holds much weight for a guy who has a cheating kink or likes open relationships.

The huge majority doesn't like cheating.

[Asker]

I wasn't ok with her cheating, when I found out she had a boyfriend I told her I couldn't do it. She told me should would leave him & that she didn't love him anymore, told me that the relationship was dead years ago.

I, for right or wrong believed her because I thought she was being sincere. ( Maybe a fault of mine) & We are great together but I am struggling with trust now.

[Billlewis]

@Nirmroth whether or not I engage in this type of scenario in my own life has no relevance to the debate -- what's right is right and what's wrong Is wrong, period. We just like to beat up on people for doing what animals do. If you want to complain about something really damaging (and I'm not saying her ex is doing backflips right now), how the toxic jealousy that permeates society today?

[Nirmroth]

@Billlewis firstly we aren't animals and secondly there are animals that life monogam aswell, destroying this kind of argument.

"What right is right and what wrong is wrong" is a super lame empty phrase, not an argument aswell.

From what toxic jealousy that "permeates society" are you speaking off? Open relationships and situationships are at an all time high compared to even 20 or 30 years ago.

[Billlewis]

@Nirmroth it's ; we're never going to agree on this one. I'm from a different generation, when people took care of things themselves. If you grabbed a girl's butt, she'd likely smack you across the face, and conversations and personal conduct weren't policed so, vigorously. I understand your point of view; I just question whether this guy has done anything different than you or I would have. You do know where this evaluate by committee' came from, I assume?

[Nirmroth]

@Billlewis I don't know how suddenly sexual assault comes into play and why do you think people nowdays dont do anything against it?

Well I wouldn't have cheated thats were he did something hugely different than what I have.

[Billlewis]

@Nirmroth. Alright, I'm going to let you have last word.

[Billlewis]

Do you think she's had sex with him since you've been with her? Thanks

[Billlewis]

I also began following you, as well, and I'd like to invite you to follow or message me, too, if that's alright. Thank you very much.

[Asker]

No, I don't believe she has.

[TommyMountainFigure]

@Gronkowski90 Would you be willing to risk betting your life on that? You know better than anyone how much of a flight risk she is!

[Billlewis]

@TommyMountainFigure No, I believe him 100% if the other guy was anywhere near as good as Gronk, she'd still be with him. It's a big time hassle to uproot yourself from an established relationship and switch boyfriends, and women don't go through that kind of aggravation unless the new guy is not only better, he's a lot better.

[TommyMountainFigure]

@Billlewis I'm not for one second saying I don't believe Gronk. I do, I just see how this woman has cheating on her ex with Gronk, and now she's lying through her teeth about where she's going/ been.. Why lie unless she is cheating? As for that whole 'Oh I didn't tell you the truth because I didn't think you'd like it bull twaddle, . She is a seasoned pro at lying by all accounts.. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her!

[Billlewis]

@TommyMountainFigure If anything, she probably felt sorry for him. for getting humiliated like that. She may think about her ex from time to time, but we know whose bed she's sleeping in every night. If I were her ex, I'd try to work something out. Of course, I'm used to not getting any pussy, so it would probably be much easier for me to deal with, because that's how most of my relationships are to begin with, absent any chicanery or aubterfuge.